Please can I have neighbour advice

I think you’ll find the OP has already sent a letter to her neighbours! I think it was on page 3. This is the problem with long threads, members go to the most recent replies without reading the whole thread. Just saying...

How would you feel about contacting Social Services and telling them that you are concerned for the well-being of your elderly neighbours who keep asking you for help and are becoming a little 'forgetful' about how they handle their finances.

Explain that they have relatives who don't live local, but that you are personally unable to continue to assist them.

If Social Services contact their daughter, she'll soon 'shift her backside'!

These are give them an inch and they take an ell people. You need someone to help you, and yet these people are draining you. Its not on. They have adult children - for whom they are saving money... so said offspring can jolly well get off their asses and help the aged parents. They tale you for granted, but you are not their maid. Get in touch with your local council / church / ladies' circle. The fact that they trust you blindly is not a reason for you to be so giving. No, you are not, not not selfish. They are limpets. Tell them what you are prepared to do, and what not. Learn how to say "I'm sorry, but I am feeling tired / wretched / ill, I have to go and lie down now."

You just need to tell her nicely, that your not well and you can't cope anymore. Suggest they get a family member to help or pay someone from outside.

I know it sounds weird but sometimes thes people start to think they are doing you a favour. "I must ring xx because she likes going shopping for me"

I am almost 64 with suspected MS. Fybromyalgia is also on my record. I experience a lot of problems with my mental health and seem unable to take much pressure any more. I have dealt with a lot through my life. Also under active thyroid. Most recently a growth in my small bowel is needing removed and I have fear of cancer. I live alone. You need to withdraw from this but you know that. Let the family pick it up. In my area we have a charity called Food Train who would shop for the over 65's for about £2. If you want to be extra helpful you could check this out with social services. There is maybe a booklet you could pass them with a list of providers x

Your health and well being come first. Well done sending the letter. Don't offer to help in emergencies as others have said there are services for helping age concern etc.

Good luck do hope the summer gets better and your condition improves.

Maybe print off telephone numbers of voluteer services in the area and attach it to the card. Be sure to let them know in the card that although you are young you are extremely unwell and need to rest every day.
I have worked with the older generation. Unfortunately they do become quite self absorbed and ignore what you have to say and carry on regardless. You have to be quite firm but do NOT feel guilty as they have family who could have done their online shopping for them. Shame on their family putting on you.

I fully appreciate how you feel. We shopped for two lots of friends over both lockdowns and have now been dropped like a stone, not even an invitation for a cuppa! Think must have MUGS tattooed on our foreheads!

The other neighbours who now ignore them have possibly been through what you are going through. By all means do what you feel able to do, but when you feel unwell make that abundantly clear to the neighbours. During the initial lockdown I walked a small dog 3 times a day for a shielding neighbour who gave me wine, plants, a bird bath etc for doing this then gradually the gifts tailed (pardon the pun) off. I stopped the day I overheard her refer to me as the dog walker rather than her friendly neighbour or even by my name.

I totally understand your situation.
Its funny how some people don't consider the other person and just increase their requirements of you.
When I moved 6 years ago... One of the first things I did was to put up a clear note on my front door. 'Do Not Knock'.
I am not disturbed by anyone at all. If a friend is to visit they ring upon arrival or text.
In my 20's I was a slave to my front door... not anymore... So liberating.

sazz1

This is why I don't get too friendly with the neighbours. I will always take in parcels for them and we're there for emergencies like when their drain blocked (OH unblocked it for them) but that's it. If we see them outside we have a quick chat but don't invite them in.
My MIL leaned very heavily on her neighbours even though we visited every few days and I think they were resentful.
Just tell her you can't help anymore with her shopping. She could ring her daughter with her shopping list and daughter could do an online shop for her. And don't answer the door if you don't want to see her. She will get fed up of coming round and getting no answer eventually. You have to be firm or it will continue.

I'm in complete agreement with this, in fact when I first moved into my own home, it was one of the best pieces of advice I was given.
I'm always polite and friendly and will certainly help in any emergency situation but have seen and heard of so many issues over the years that I prefer to keep my distance.

For goodness sake. I should have read through the whole thing - though I do stand by my advice I am glad it has all worked out for you. x

That’s good news MelBB I’m sorry I was concerned for you and rushed to make a suggestion. It is good to hear you managed to sort your problem out. Do not feel heartbroken you’ve been helping them a great deal and need time to help yourself now.

I have had ME for 15 years. The only time people see me is when I am having an ok day - not a good day, they don't happen - but an ok day. I've learned to say no. If you don't do the same, any energy you have will be taken up by the activities expected of you and the stress of worrying when the requests will happen. Tell your neighbours no, you aren't able to. No. Get a do not disturb sign. Don't give them notice - it isn't a job. Just say no, not no, sorry, just no. Suggest they call their family if you wish but I'd be inclined to tell them you are no longer available due to ill health and doctor's recommendations and leave it at that. If they come back, just say no again. They will get the message. You need to be selfish for your own health's sake. Its not easy for people like us who like to help but can't but it is necessary. Just say no. Good luck.

MelBB

Great advice.
GillT57, ohh that sounds intense. ?
I feel very guilty as my family feel sorry for them and one or two think differently. I've just received a final shopping list and kind letter back saying thabk you, they understand and they have a son on hand. Also, that I can ask if I need anything. I feel??

Great to have it sorted xxx

MelBB

Well, I've posted the letter through the door (on beautiful owl paper) and explained that I cannot do the shop after this week because I need to convalesce and reduce what I do because of my health. I kept it short and sweet. I've unplugged my phone and will wedge the gate as I really need to rest today and catch up on some chores. Thank you everyone for giving me the courage to do this. It's helped me to see that I'm not responsible for them, especially now lockdown is over, and that their family needs to step up or they need to get help. As said by many of you, my health is important and by them disregarding my needs it is unfair on me. And the last thing I want or need is to be tied for x many years, and expectations to possibly increase when I'm not able. I've loved having your advice and finding such pleasantry and support, thank you. ?

The very kind op has sorted things xxx

Clearly you resent helping them Why do you keep mentioning their money ? Stop helping and get on with your own life

I would put a card through their letterbox, saying that they won't see you around for a few days as you have been diagnosed with a virus. Lie low, then let them know that you now have post viral syndrome, and the doctor has ordered you to do as little as possible, so you won't be able to help them for the foreseeable future. Underhand, but gentle. Meanwhile, they will hopefully have found their way ahead without your help.

MelBB

Great advice.
GillT57, ohh that sounds intense. ?
I feel very guilty as my family feel sorry for them and one or two think differently. I've just received a final shopping list and kind letter back saying thabk you, they understand and they have a son on hand. Also, that I can ask if I need anything. I feel??

That's lovely. So pleased it's all worked out well for you.
Take care.

If you go online, and look at your local council, they should have a link to the local support service for your area (they were set up over the Covid period for everyone), you could then pass the details on to your neighbours. If you are like me and hate confrontations and find 'no' a difficult word to say, you could even write a little card saying t h at due to your own poor health y o u are no longer able to support them but that this group will help them if they need help. Then hide for a few days (I know you shouldn't have to but it may be easier).

I’m 44 and not a Granny ( although about to become a step Granny!) I love this page, much more friendly than others with similar names ?

I too have an “ invisible illness” and have had friends etc tell me that as I have so much time in my hands, I must be able to help them with their kids / errands / housework etc, errrr..... no!

I wonder if it might help you to say that your doctor or specialist nurse has said that you need to take things easier and so, now that they are able to get to the shops, you’re no longer able to help. Any excuses they come up with, just keep saying “I’m sorry, that really doesn’t work for me and I need to put myself first” maybe they will realise they’ve been asking too much (although, maybe not!)

Best of luck x

A "Please do not disturb" sign on your door might help.

I haven’t read all the responses so apologies if this has already been suggested. Every time they request your help could you say let’s phone your daughter/son. Every single time. Leave messages if necessary saying what they want so you move the responsibility onto them directly. Do not apologise, do not explain. They are choosing the easy option and the children are happy to let you continue and ignore what they know is their responsibility.

I agree with Opsy....It is difficult if you arent keen on confrontation...I'm the same but have a practice out loud what you need to say ...be polite but assertive .......This will make you more Ill....Think of your own self worth.Sounds like you need just as much help....

Let us know how you get on.