Please can I have neighbour advice

I think you have to get your big girl pants on and just tell them that you can’t do anything more for them as you are ill.
If this doesn’t work, Lock your gate, if you see them in the garden, just wave , don’t start a conversation, get some headphones and listen to music, if they wave to you, just point to your ears.

oh and never let them into your home

If this doesn’t work then you will have to ignore them.

It’s a shame but you are not their carer.

This must be very difficult. Are they aware you have ME and its implications for your day to day life? Could you say that you have been happy to support them recently but you will need to stop doing so in X weeks time? Give them notice. Gently suggest their children need to take over this task. It is horrible situation to be in and I sympathise. There are times that you have to put yourself first.

Are their children aware of the situation? If not someone should let them know so that they take over responsibility. Now lockdown is over and they will both have had their Covid vaccinations there is no need for you to continue with and do more than you have already kindly done. It is not fair on you.

Thank you for your replies. Yes, they are aware of my ill health because I'm not able to work. Sometimes the door has knocked and I've not been dressed, plus I rarely go out. I've offered to show them how to shop online - they could even use my WiFi, but they aren't interested in learning. They now get their online shop and also go to the supermarket to do a bit more shopping but only ask me if I need anything if I happen to bump into them on their way out. Not tgat I want them calling, but my relatives point out that things work both ways. They have each other and some family in the nearest city, but I have no one close, my family is 50 miles away. I have managed to do it, which makes me wonder if I'm being unreasonable, but I have myself needed home help and a dog walker, which I pay for when required. Whereas they are squirreling money away and getting reduced rent!

25Avalon

Are their children aware of the situation? If not someone should let them know so that they take over responsibility. Now lockdown is over and they will both have had their Covid vaccinations there is no need for you to continue with and do more than you have already kindly done. It is not fair on you.

Yes, their children are aware. The one who lives far away bought me a Christmas ivy plant by way of thanks and said that they help their neighbour, adding "it's what you do, isn't it".

Politely tell your neighbour your condition is tiring you out and you need to rest more. If they have relatives suggest that the relative can do the online shop for them from now on. You should not be filling in details on their cheques this is not your responsibility. If any money went missing you could be blamed for it especially by a relative who is unaware of the situation.

My daughter has ME so I do understand your difficulties. The trouble with invisible illnesses you don't necessarily 'look' ill and you may well put on a front with people, meaning if they are wrapped up in themselves, they'll think you're OK. You really do need to assert yourself and say you've been doing too much and need to step back, otherwise your own health is going to get worse. Perhaps it would also be a good idea to contact one of their adult children with a similar message. Make it clear that you can no longer help.

I had not noticed you had posted a response to someone else.
The relatives are aware of the situation and it was nice to give you a gift. However you are saving them a job by still doing what you do for your neighbours. Stick to your guns and firmly say you do not want the responsibility. It’s obviously stressing you so back off gently and concentrate on yourself.

It’s what we did in lockdown but now children can visit and be inside with their parents and even hug them it’s time they took over responsibility for mum and dad. You really need to tell the children that whilst you were happy to help during restrictions you can sadly no longer continue to do so due to your own ill health.

Unfortunately you started helping and they are old and have latched on to their ‘lovely neighbour’
If you feel you can’t continue you have to say just that it’s no good thinking resentful thoughts unless you are prepared to do something about it
You can be pleasant and just say you’re finding that you can’t be as helpful as you used to be and then be perfectly clear in what you can and can’t do and if it’s zero, then tell them just that
If you can’t face them then pop a nice letter through their letterbox saying how much you’ve enjoyed helping them but you can’t do it any longer as you are quite unwell yourself and wish them well then keep out their way for a week or so to break the habit

Oh yes we have been there too while we were able bodied but our neighbour got to the stage he relied on us far too much . His wife died in her 60s and we felt sorry for him meeting him off planes when he visited his daughter then giving him a meal after that so he did not go back to an empty house. He could see our conservatory from his garden so if he saw us there he came round for a chat . He was able bodied but lonely but it really got too much for me . We had a good reason to move house but his constant demands helped us to decide to go . Do nip this in the bud now or they will expect even more . My daughter has ME so I can understand how they maybe do not realise how ill you feel , next time lay it on thick how terrible you feel and the only remedy is total rest ( which is true ).

There's some good advice here, thank you.
Sadly yes, I do sometimes feel resentful. It's worse when I'm hormonal, unwell, or want to be left alone. Sometimes helping has been a burden, other times it hasn't. But I am concerned about the future too and them relying on me when I am very limited myself. ? I get a bit overwhelmed at times and now lockdown is not as restricted, I'm dreading weekly knocks on my door and calls over when seen. I don't necessarily like how I am but I'm complex and the exhaustion is very difficult to bear when someone is talking to you for ages and not appreciating how ill you feel.

I'm really grateful for all your advice and think that I will put a nice lettercard through the door explaining that I will be unable to help much longer. This will help me to have the space I think I need. Hopefully I have done my bit now and they have someone that can take over. If it werr my parents, no way would I be happy with a neighbour doing this. So I guess I'm not completely selfish. ??‍♀️

I think part of the problem is that ME, is a very modern illness, by which I mean it is a disease only recently given a clear separate aetiology and name, but its cause is still unknown and to many people, especially older people, it is not a 'proper' illness. I have a cousin who has had the illness for over 40 years and I know the problems she has had.

I think, like others do, that you have got to go and have a talk with your neighbours and tell them plainly that your illness means that you can no longer do for them what you have done in the past and then tell them what you can no longer do and possibly a few things you can do. Explain to them, because of yur illness, you cannot stand, or sometimes even sit and chat when the neighbour calls, so she must expect you to cut conversations short or refuse to talk at all because you are too ill to do so.

If you wish to or can, you should tell their relatives that you cannot and will not give help in the future because of your illness. You could also alert Social Services.

If after you explain your circumstances, they still ask and call. Just tell them firmly and politely (again) that you can not get shopping or stand on the doorstep or whatever and put the phone down or shut the door. They will get the message in the end.

At the end of the day, this couple's problems are NOT your problem and they must look elsewhere for the help they require.

Which is why I don't get too involved with people around me because " I've got one of those faces " and I've already been " had " before.

When writing your lettercard, give them a definite date which will be the last shop you can do for them.

I think you should lock your gate without waiting to see if they start coming round too often.
Don't give that situation a chance to develop.

They are being cheeky and selfish and you are being completely reasonable in wanting to protect your health.

Thank you all! ❤️❤️❤️ I hope I don't get banned but I'm 39 and not even a mum, let alone a gran, but it seemed a safe place for me to ask. And you have all helped. ?

Your health comes first MelBB and these people are taking you for granted.
Good advice here about letting them know in advance that you are no longer available to help as you need to look after yourself.

I agree with Oopsadaisy1

OP,

If your neighbours are 100% socially clueless - tell them you are unable to continue helping them from now on and they should make other arrangements.

The fact that they are aware that you are sick and still ask you- I am inclined to think they are not as nice as you think

Even if you were not sick, you do not have to help if you dont want to.

One thing is a favour for two, another is become their unpaid carer.

If they need your help this much, they need to hire somebody, talk to family for assistance or even move to living assistance accommodations.
The older they get, the worse it will get.

I would also tell them to stop popping in unannounced as you have things to do.
If they keep doing it, ignore the cell, door, etc.

Your health comes first MelBB. Whether they believe you or not you need to tell them and their family that you can't do any more. I have M.E. too. I have learnt not to worry what people think. Your condition will get worse if you don't slow down. Give them a weeks notice. That should be enough. They need help but you've done all you can. The headphones in the garden and locking the gate- both good ideas.

I'm really grateful for all your advice and think that I will put a nice lettercard through the door explaining that I will be unable to help much longer

Can I suggest strongly that you adjust this letter Do not say you can’t help much longer that just gives them mixed messages and permission to keep asking How much is too much longer, a week, a month, a year ?

Put your little message together but say you unfortunately can’t help them ANY longer as your health is causing you problems
Please be clear not woolly

BlueBelle

*I'm really grateful for all your advice and think that I will put a nice lettercard through the door explaining that I will be unable to help much longer*

Can I suggest strongly that you adjust this letter Do not say you can’t help much longer that just gives them mixed messages and permission to keep asking How much is too much longer, a week, a month, a year ?

Put your little message together but say you unfortunately can’t help them ANY longer as your health is causing you problems
Please be clear not woolly

Oh yes, good point. I was thinking of 4 weeks because the supermarket delivery runs out then, so I can name a date. Thanks!

I have been known to put a 'Do Not Disturb" sign on my front door! When I was working long hours I sometimes took a nap at weekends. It worked a treat.
I also used to turn my landline off & still do if I'm resting. Likewise my mobile.
Put your big girls pants on & tell it like it is to your insensitive neighbours. They'll get over it!

I know it is not your responsibility but could you contact volunteer groups in your area or give them the details to do so. Then you could say you are not going to be able to carry on helping but you know someone that can. The volunteers may also be able to help with other things they require.