Please can I have neighbour advice

You gave been given a lot of really good advice here. Please look after yourself. Your health comes first. Their family will have to step up now as they should have 18 months ago. Sending positive thoughts to you x

I would say in my note to them that you have spoken to your Specialist and been advised to cut down on your activities and so sorry you can no longer help.

Sorry about the “too”. I am not really illiterate!

Enough 's enough. Contact Age Concern and advise of the situation with your neighbours. They are not your responsibilty.

The thing is if she has children living near or far she can get a supermarket to deliver directly to them. My very elderly aunt had her granddaughter do this for her. She lived miles away. She gave them her card details and they used that for payment. Say your doctor has told you that you must rest and not do anything you don’t have too. So ask them to get their family to order their shopping so it is delivered to them. I had a similar problem and found that if I suggested something like that it was met with an apparent lack of understanding. You don’t want this stress so be firm. It is on doctors orders!

well done for having been such a good neighbour. A card through the door explaining that because of your health issues you can no longer help with shopping should suffice. Be firm - do not answer if she knocks or if you do have to speak cut it short. they haven't done anything wrong but probably don't understand how debilitating ME can be. They could get a taxi to the shops or get relatives to help. You obviously feel run down and need to step back. Good luck.

I am afraid to say we have a neighbour like yours. We told her that if she needed anything from the shops, we go once a week and happy to help out during this pandemic. She lives on her own and is about 5/6 years older then my husband who is 70.

The first problem we incurred was payment, she wanted to pay via cheque; she didn't know how to do online banking. Cheques are difficult for obvious reasons so she decided to pay us cash. This made me suspicious because we live in a village 5 miles from any cash machine, bank and supermarket.
Anyway we did the shopping, no cash or cheque. The next week came same situation, shopping list got longer, but no means of paying. When she turned up for collection she said she must pay our bill. She took out the cash, and lots of other cheques to the value of £100, which she admitted she owned our other kind hearted neighbours. I decided enough was enough; but my DH would never confront her.
I gently told her that if she needed this level of support there are a number of organisations that can help as we are not in the position to do it. I gave her the numbers of our 'village friendly support group' and 'help the aged'. I explained that these people not only do shopping but help with transport, medical collections and are even available for a chat. The team of volunteers are trained and have methods in place to support her needs.

We have not seen her now for two weeks but see her family and villagers coming and going so she is getting the support she needs.
I felt guilty as I thought I was not being not being a good neighbour. However I have learnt the difference between being supportive and put upon . I am being supportive because it is much better for her long term needs to be put on a more permanent footing then having the worry of asking neighbours, who can only provide the occasional help

We have let her know that we are still there if she needs us.

Some very good advice about a letter/card giving notice is a great start. I think it may only be a start and you may need to employ more than one of the suggestions offered here.

If it were me, it's not and you must do what's right for you, but I'd be writing the same letter/card to them and their children (if you know their address) to stop any "she said - she did".

Get it clear in your mind what you want to say, make your statement, keep it short.

Please don't say you are "Sorry but I can't keep doing ..." use the word "SAD" in place of "sorry" if you feel you don't feel right being very blunt.

Sorry suggests you have done or are going to do something wrong - not true. Sad suggests things have changed and there is nothing you or they can do to keep up with things as they are now.

You don't have to say either but you probably aren't the kind of person who can say "Dear ? as of Date I won't be doing things for you/your parents." I might be good if you could and no reason why you can't but I think being that business like is you.

Keep telling yourself that it's ok for you to look after yourself, you've done your bit.

Locking your gate when you want peace is another good idea. It is your life, your home and you need to to take care of yourself.

If it hasn't been said already, rather than a plain Do Not Disturb sign, I'd be inclined to make a Resting/Sleeping Due to Illness sign.

That way it reenforces your illness.

I have a friend with ME and if she is stressed she becomes very ill. It sounds as if you are feeling stressed about the situation - reasonably so but stressed never the less - and I can imagine that takes it's toll too.

I hope you've found some ideas that you can put into action.

Sometimes even with good ideas it can be hard to follow through with them especially if you aren't feeling well but if you can find ways to take action I'm sure you'll feel less stressed after it's all settled down.

Good Luck with things and I hope you have a good outcome.

I have ME, have a daughter with ME, who was very severely affected and bedridden for over a decade and was a trustee for an ME support group for many years.

it is great that gransnetters here have all been so understanding of ME on this thread as it is an illness which has been little understood in the past and very ill people have been told it is all in the mind and they are making it up.

Also people have said they understand that people with ME don’t necessarily always look ill. It is a lovely thing to see that people understand this. Thank you everyone.

You have done absolutely the right thing and should not feel guilty or a bad person in any way. You need to continue to be assertive and just say plainly what your needs are and act on this in a calm and consistent but firm way. Don’t take on any more responsibilities such as contacting their family, or finding volunteers or any of these other well meaning suggestions.

They have responded well to your letter. And may be perfectly nice people. People can’t know what our situation is if we don’t tell them or don’t tell them firmly enough. It is our responsibility to set our own boundaries. If we don’t we can become resentful in a way that may not be entirely fair,

You want to help others which is a nice thing to want to do. This is one of the many good things your illness has taken away from you. We can feel we are bad people because we are ill and helping others can make us feel less useless, less guilty for being ill, of some value, a normal good person. In this frame of mind we can sometimes volunteer for things that we can’t actually manage.

We have to be realistic and honest about what we can do for our own sake and that of others. But I know it is not easy. It is so hard having this chronic illness. Take care and best wishes. You have done well here.

I had a neighbour just like this. He was more than capable of learning online shopping, was a lot younger than me, but he just could not be bothered and had me and several other neighbours dancing to his tune! He had his head so far up his selfish a**e that he didn't acknowledge some of us were struggling too!
Time to make a postitive stand, lock the gate when you want to rest, even disable the door bell if necessary.
Tell them firmly that they have family and they need to ask them to help. They are not being fair on you at all.
You might also consider raising a care concern with your local Social Services. You can do this anonymously but as you are in poor health yourself if you explain all that you have been doing for your neighbours and what they still expect from you by being open with the Social Services it should strengthen a case to get the help this couple need and take the strain off you.
Life you life for yourself, you're not being unkind by withdrawing your support, you are simply being realistic.

Perhaps my experience may help? Many years ago we were constantly helping an elderly neighbour (when we were both working full time) including answering the doorbell when she rang it in the middle of the night. It was one thing after another -including often doing her shopping which she usually "forgot" to reimburse us for. We really wanted her to back off (a least a little) but just felt really guilty about that. Then a kind friend pointed out that (a) she DID have family who lived a short drive away, so it wasn't as though she was alone, and (b) by continuing to do all this, we were "helping" her to keep on demanding from us! So, we stopped answering the doorbell/phone in the middle of the night - which meant that her family turned up instead. And finally, when we arranged to go away for a holiday away for a fortnight, we didn't tell her. About a week after we got back, a For Sale sign went up on her house. Another neighbour said that her family had been there day and night since we left, and she was now staying with her son and his family. And we got a new peaceful neighbour in her place. Basically - you have to stop this. Her adult children could easily do her online shopping for her, but they have no incentive to do so whilst you're doing it for them (sorry) and neither does she. The only person who can stop this is you. (PS if you're not very assertive, look up "the broken record technique" - it's very effective")

You sound like a very nice person, and having got yourself into this habit, it is against your nature to back out of it. However, you do need to explain to them that your illness is making you tired and that you feel that now the lockdown is (almost) over, you think they should be making their own arrangements. Perhaps you may ask them to return a small favour by doing something for you in return, this sometimes makes people back off. Some old people can be quite selfish once they know they have a sympathetic ear and they do need to have it spelled out to them in no uncertain terms that maybe they should be getting help from their family. Take a deep breath and go for it, you will only feel bad for a couple of days, but this too, will pass.

The family need to get involved abut more. I have a 90 year old friend whose DS orders a supermarket delivery online for his mother and he lives in Abu Dhabi! Just state your health is really an issue and you need to rest and relax more. Even tell them you will be resting a good deal of the day so unlikely to see them. Just add, isn't it good people can get out and about now making shopping so much easier and you are sure their family will help them out if needed.

This is why I don't get too friendly with the neighbours. I will always take in parcels for them and we're there for emergencies like when their drain blocked (OH unblocked it for them) but that's it. If we see them outside we have a quick chat but don't invite them in.
My MIL leaned very heavily on her neighbours even though we visited every few days and I think they were resentful.
Just tell her you can't help anymore with her shopping. She could ring her daughter with her shopping list and daughter could do an online shop for her. And don't answer the door if you don't want to see her. She will get fed up of coming round and getting no answer eventually. You have to be firm or it will continue.

Yes, I agree, be clear about your own needs and wishes otherwise these folk sound as though they will take advantage of you again.

You have enough stress with your illness and don't need them piling stuff onto you.

Who knows, perhaps they will move. Watch out for that For Sale sign.

Sometimes it’s easier and more comfortable to put the blame on an anonymous third party. I would suggest that you tell them that you’ve been told off by your doctor/consultant/ME expert for overdoing things and making yourself ill by not getting sufficient rest so you have to stop doing their shopping etc. and get back to a quiet life and regular naps. You’re sad not to be able to continue helping but at least they’ve got relatives nearby and the worst of lockdown is over so they’ll be ok won’t they.
Any future intrusions can be cut short by saying that you’re just off to have a rest but hope they’re well. Job done and no confrontation necessary.

Well done Mel. Unfortunately you are an empathic giver and they are takers. Don’t let them try and talk you round. You’ve done your bit. If they can walk they need to use or lose their health and get to the shops via taxi or whatever means.

I think you need to say something like ‘my doctor has told me I am doing too much with my health problems, so I’m going to have to stop helping you regularly’.

I know I would find it hard, but if your health is suffering you really must be firm. Good luck.

I’m sorry you are having this struggle and that you are also struggling with ME. My gut instinct is that you lay your cards on the table. You have, regardless of your illness, taken the trouble to help her thru the lockdown. You don’t feel well enough to continue, not least of all because you need to rest more frequently now.
Yes you will feel awkward doing this but....and this is a thought which gets me through difficult times....at the end of this I will still be alive.
Your health and well-being trumps their needs....especially as they have family who can, easily, shop on line for them. Step back....your health demands it.

You moved to the wrong place. Tell them about your ME and that although it doesn’t show, you yourself could do with some help. Then hang a DO NOT DISTURB sign on your door.

I have ME and can empathise with you. At the end of the day you need to look after your own health. Easier said than done but you have to look after yourself ?. It’s hard enough getting through each day sometimes without demands that someone else could meet. If you weren’t there they’d soon find someone.

I’d find it very difficult but I think you do need to tell your neighbours that you can no longer help them now lockdown is over and covid rates are much lower. I guess they’ve both had their two jabs so could go out.....

Hi honey, lock your gate. Put ear phones on and pretend you are listening to music and wave, walk the other way to get to the shops, but lock your gate. That would be maddening! I looked after a neighbor some streets away for months and months picking up a bit here and there for her, never hear from her now since covid has all but eased. Aust. People are funny.

I sympathise because I too have had similar problems, and this happens when you are a caring person.
I also have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue so I know what a struggle even looking after your own needs is.
I think some people need to be told bluntly or they take no notice. Tell them you can no longer help them due to your own health problems. I would definitely put a stop to them ringing your bell as and when they please, as rest is essential with such conditions.
Get a cheap lock for gate- a bicycle lock and small padlock perhaps, and ebay sell Do Not Disturb stickers to put in your door.
Look after yourself

Hi I suffer with arthritis but I’m also a soft touch. I’d probably would have done the same as you even though it was a struggle. I’m guessing from what you wrote there family don’t visit often and they lonely. I would ignore the door lock it. Keep your conversations short. If she comes to door. Got to go waiting for phone call etc. Next time family visit try catching them and say sorry but it’s too much you have to take over. Drop them a note saying now it’s fine to go to shops I won’t be doing your online shopping anymore. Glad I could help you then. Have fun shopping. Otherwise unless you tell them they won’t get the message. You have to be clear and firm.

Excellent advice here, letter should be clear to stop helping now as of today do not give notice.
If they persist in bothering you to shop just don’t do it at all tell them you forgot to do it.