Please can I have neighbour advice

ha ha Hetty58, you made me laugh! Seriously though I do worry for my aunt's very friendly and willing neighbour, she helps my aunt as well as looking after her parents who are a few miles away. Last year she developed Bell's Palsy in her face but very luckily caught it in time and kept her sight in the affected eye - just doing too much, for too many.

You are doing amazing!

welbeck

OP, keep a stout heart.

Thank you. It was hard because I just saw them back from shopping and the lady was struggling. But they managed and I know (and they know) that there are plenty of other options.

Whilst I feel guilty and anxious, I've put a 'do not disturb sign' on the door so that I can do my chores and try to regain my balance. My thoughts have been racing, but I'll calm down. A complete overreaction, I know, but I can't help it because of my MH. I do feel a bit of distance is good too.

Wishing you all a good day.. Hipe it's sunny where you are, as it's quite pleasant here!!

We're out in the sticks and they have no internet, but there are alternatives as we have a meal delivery service here ???

Tell them to look into Deliveroo.

OP, keep a stout heart.

Shandy, i've heard a solicitor for the elderly relate similar cases.
they all crawl out of the woodwork when they smell money.
and often accuse a neighbour of interfering/taking money.
yet they are nowhere to be seem while there's work to do.
very sad. always keep receipts/instructions.
one woman was so distressed by being accused of stealing, that she became quite ill. luckily she had kept all messages/paperwork/receipts.
the police say they see it quite often too, distant relatives try to make a criminal report. yet they did nothing to help.
as the old saying is, no good deed goes unpunished.

My mother, 150 miles away, had new 'young' neighbours - who offered help.

It seems that she took that literally, as, we were horrified to discover, the wife popped round early every morning - to put Mum's shoes on!

I was put off helping any neighbour twenty years ago when I lived in London. A lovely neighbour opposite, who worked part time as a nurse, did everything she could for an old couple next door to her. When the wife died she did even more for the widowed husband, washing/shopping/cooking, sadly she found him dead a few months later. During these years none of the family had ever visited or helped, but they all appeared for the funeral. She didn't receive any thanks or acknowledgement for supporting their great grandad, but they did accuse her of stealing cash from his 'underwear drawer'.

Hithere

I don't agree the adult children have to take over OP unless the neighbours do not have the mental capacity to take care of that themselves.

They seem to be of their sound mind - just cheap.
I wonder if their adult children already went through this and gave up.

Oh definitely of sound mind!! One family member lives far away, one nearby and the other, I'm not sure. If there was any concern about mental capacity, I'd definitely mention it to the DD or our local authority.

I don't agree the adult children have to take over OP unless the neighbours do not have the mental capacity to take care of that themselves.

They seem to be of their sound mind - just cheap.
I wonder if their adult children already went through this and gave up.

Teddy5005

I really sympathise , my neighbour developed dementia! Would knock on my door 20 times a day ! I helped with checking her heating taking her to hospital appointments. It transpired she was nearly blind . Contacted her GP . Social services in spite of my own up coming operations ! Took 3 months to get official help . I was asked to keep an eye on her , as she had no relatives , I was asked to do her shopping told social services I cannot do my own . After a year of neighbours banging on my door when she was wandering , I helped to find a home for her . She passed away soon after . I gave the funeral directors my details and they thanked me . Time went by , do I phoned the funeral directors . To be told “O the funeral was months ago , her family were found “! It was a private affair , I replied what relatives ?? Social services soon found some to help with fees for the home ! I was annoyed and upset ?. Never again I thought. Then the next door neighbour fell down the stairs one night , I could hear her shouting.ambulance never turned up !! Someone said “could I keep an eye on her in the future ? I could not believe it , an unpaid social worker and nurse . I was also working part time and am disabled. So in future I am keeping my self to my self lol

My goodness, it sounds like you were her guardian angel, albeit at a great cost because it's hard coping with a disability let alone not knowing when the door will knock.

Yes I completely get you about the shopping; I do all mine online and it takes a long time, many changes (that's another story!) so I actually feel better knowing that others seem to have more insight than I did about my needs and steered me in the right direction.

I don't blame you for keeping yourself to yourself - there appears to be a societal breakdown in that where once there were multi-generation households and women tended to not have careers, this somewhat filled the need for carers. Now we're faced with high living costs, more women work and then there are difficulties in qualifying for care, so there's a big gap there. Who fills it? Whilst it's nice to have good neighbours, it certainly is a learning curve as to how much to get involved. Especially when there are other options. I think the number of experiences expressed on this thread somewhat shows how much of an issue it is in modern society. And how tricky it can be defining the boundaries with neighbours, too. Thank you for sharing!

Get that 'Do Not Disturb' notice for your door. You can get them on line (or print one off for yourself.)

I really sympathise , my neighbour developed dementia! Would knock on my door 20 times a day ! I helped with checking her heating taking her to hospital appointments. It transpired she was nearly blind . Contacted her GP . Social services in spite of my own up coming operations ! Took 3 months to get official help . I was asked to keep an eye on her , as she had no relatives , I was asked to do her shopping told social services I cannot do my own . After a year of neighbours banging on my door when she was wandering , I helped to find a home for her . She passed away soon after . I gave the funeral directors my details and they thanked me . Time went by , do I phoned the funeral directors . To be told “O the funeral was months ago , her family were found “! It was a private affair , I replied what relatives ?? Social services soon found some to help with fees for the home ! I was annoyed and upset ?. Never again I thought. Then the next door neighbour fell down the stairs one night , I could hear her shouting.ambulance never turned up !! Someone said “could I keep an eye on her in the future ? I could not believe it , an unpaid social worker and nurse . I was also working part time and am disabled. So in future I am keeping my self to my self lol

Shandy57

I am so glad you have stopped.

My friend with two young adult children at home started helping her 80+ neighbour and it became ridiculous. If she was out in the either the front or back garden doing her hedge, her neighbour would call over and ask her to 'give hers a trim' - my friend was also looking after her widowed Dad, both house and garden, an hour's drive away, and exhausted to the point where she fell asleep at the wheel and had a crash. The neighbour knew this but still asked my friend to take her to the doctors, the hairdressers, the shops, do her hedge - she was selfishly using her as an unpaid Home Help. My friend finally spoke up when she had to take her to A&E at midnight one evening as she'd fallen, and the 50+ son refused to come to the hospital. He did eventually come, and she stated in no uncertain terms that she was no longer able to offer assistance of any kind and the son, who lives less than two miles away, had to step up to the plate. I live in the road now and sometimes see a very grumpy looking man in the front garden, he's not caring for his mother willingly. Some people's kids will allow others to run themselves ragged over their parents, it's appalling.

Wow! That was a lot to ask of someone. It's not been that bad for me, but I do worry about their advancing age, ill health, that DD has my phone number so call me up (this happened a couple of times already) amd that I seem to get seen and roped into long episodes of monologues. I listen and nod a lot! ?Thankfully, they are actually pleasant and understand that I can't continue, but I do think that home help could be a wonderful thing for them and remove some of their burdens.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's crash, I hope they are okay and am glad they spoke up because it isn't easy and sounds like they had enough on their plate already!

Yes, I think it's over to the 'kids' now. It has been known that the couple manage to do more than me! ?

I am so glad you have stopped.

My friend with two young adult children at home started helping her 80+ neighbour and it became ridiculous. If she was out in the either the front or back garden doing her hedge, her neighbour would call over and ask her to 'give hers a trim' - my friend was also looking after her widowed Dad, both house and garden, an hour's drive away, and exhausted to the point where she fell asleep at the wheel and had a crash. The neighbour knew this but still asked my friend to take her to the doctors, the hairdressers, the shops, do her hedge - she was selfishly using her as an unpaid Home Help. My friend finally spoke up when she had to take her to A&E at midnight one evening as she'd fallen, and the 50+ son refused to come to the hospital. He did eventually come, and she stated in no uncertain terms that she was no longer able to offer assistance of any kind and the son, who lives less than two miles away, had to step up to the plate. I live in the road now and sometimes see a very grumpy looking man in the front garden, he's not caring for his mother willingly. Some people's kids will allow others to run themselves ragged over their parents, it's appalling.

Thank you. I am too friendly and need to assert my boundaries better, which thanks to great advice here, I have been able to do! ?

I think you're being far too nice and they are taking advantage, probably not deliberately, but nonetheless they are, boundaries are difficult to put in place but there are some good suggestions on the thread, my advice would be put in the boundaries and stick to them. I don't mind giving my neighbours an egg or helping them out if they are looking for their cat or something, but doing the shopping is a bit much!

Thank you. ?

OP
You don't need to justify yourself

Your health situation has nothing to do with this- your neighbours overextended their welcome.

Thank you everyone. I've read every post and am grateful to you for your advice and concern for my health. My neighbours were understanding and say that they have their son (who is not far).

Can I just defend myself to the one poster who asked why I was mentioning money, I clearly resented helping and get on with my life :

For the most part, I didn't resent helping and found it very dignifying to be able to gelp someone, when I am very vulnerable and limited in what I can do.

What I find hard to reconcile is that I have paid for my home help and it is they who have told me tid bits about money. I'm afraid that I now feel that they ought to pay for help, as I did, or ask family. Not only on principle, but because there are times where seeing them becomes intense and suffocating. This doesn't help my mental and physical health because I need to withdraw and rest a lot, just to survive myself. Not that I have to explain, but I felt that tge comment was uncalled for.

On saying this, everyone else was so kind and although I can't reply personally to everyone, I do indeed feel for those of you who also suffer ill health and also with those who have experienced neighbour issues, however minor. It can become really tough and like living in a goldfish bowl - especially in a cul-de-sac like here!

Thanks all - I admire the clear sight and courage of so many of you. xxx

OP said pretty early on this thread that this elderly couple not only have her doing their online shopping but they do go out shopping as well.

Now lockdown is pretty much over, there's no reason whatsoever for them to not be able to do their own shopping.

I understand about the OP having a debilitating illness, I myself have MS, I live alone and my neighbours all know how it affects me but I've had no help whatsoever over the past 14 months. My weekly groceries aren't enough to be able to use online shopping so I've had to go out and get my own all through the pandemic.

The OP has been very generous to her neighbours but nows the time for her to stop and put herself first.

have you tried contacting the sibling that lives the closest ?. or you could involve social/volunteer care. or write her a letter saying that you are often unwell and set a time and day for shopping .or you have to be firm and say NO I CANT .

Just a thought - but you could tell a white lie and say you broadband is not connecting, just make sure you cannot be seen on a device.

OP, I was diagnosed with ME 30 years ago so I feel your pain. You need to look after yourself.

Just a point of safety, be very careful writing the amount, date etc on your neighbours cheques, don't leave yourself open to being accused of taking their money. I'm not suggesting you are, but you need to protect yourself.

If your neighbour has adult children perhaps they can have financial POA, and have access to their online banking. They can then do their online shopping from your neighbour's account.

I live abroad and my friend (also abroad) has done all her mum's online shopping and her mum lives in the UK.