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Need your advice on how to say goodbye to an Autistic granddaughter.

(6 Posts)
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LaurieL Wed 26-May-21 02:57:30

I recently found out my DIL is leaving the country with my 7 year old autistic grandchild and moving to South Africa. Her mother has been an expat in USA since 1994. My granddaughter has dual citizenship, born in USA and has never been to South Africa.

I'm struggling with a broken heart and fully realize I have absolutely no right to interfere or object to this decision.

Here is my issue. How do you say goodbye to a child that has no comprehension that she will not see her paternal family or father but rarely? She parrots "I'm moving to South Africa" but has no clue what that means.

Every time I see her my heart is breaking and I'm finding it more difficult to cope with this ambiguous loss. She leaves in a couple weeks.

She has been a constant in my life, we live in the same city now. I have no doubt we have a bond that will sustain our love for each other. But, that pain is overwhelming and I can't stop thinking about the day she realizes we are not present for hugs and love that mean so much to my family.

Please don't beat me up, I know I'm not the most important person in her life. I just need some wisdom I can't seem to find to calm my broken heart.

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Lolo81 Wed 26-May-21 03:18:30

You can find the strength by doing what you’ve done her whole life, by being the best gran you can be and putting her needs first.
And then you can have a good old cry.

It’s not going to be the same, but technology now means you will still be able to see her on video chat regularly, and watch her grow and thrive.

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stella1949 Wed 26-May-21 06:51:19

I had to do this when my daughter took our grandchildren and went to live far away. Our granddaughter is also autistic although she did understand that they were going a long way away from us.

I was a mess, but I was determined not to let my granddaughter know . I pulled myself together and just spoke about how much fun she was going to have in her new home. I gave her a special "Grandma Box" with self-addressed envelopes and writing paper, cards etc so she could send me "hard copy" letters and pictures. When I was time to say goodbye I gave her a firm hug and told her that I loved her and that we would be Facetiming and speaking every week. I also gave her a little instant camera so she could take pictures of her adventures and send them to me. Then I said "goodbye" and walked out to the car.

They have been gone for 2 years now. She still sends me pictures and little letters, Facetimes a few times a week. Some nights she rings and I read to her over the phone. It isn't perfect but it works. You'll work out your own system of contact, and when the world goes back to normal you'll be able to see her sometimes.

Good luck !

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Esspee Wed 26-May-21 08:04:21

My grandchildren are 4581 miles away, always have been. I used to visit about twice a year but have not been able to of late.
I have to content myself with FaceTime two or three times a week but it is hard.
I try to remind myself that I was 5000 miles away from my parents when there was no way of seeing or talking to them other than an occasional extremely expensive phone call and letters. They coped, I’m coping and you will too OP.
We just fix a smile on our faces and pretend everything is absolutely fine.
I feel for you. ?

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Katie59 Wed 26-May-21 09:41:39

For a 7 yr old girl I would give a cuddly US themed toy that she could associate with you, then keep up on FaceTime when you can

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wildswan16 Wed 26-May-21 10:00:23

Maybe your DIL would help by setting up some facetime or video calls starting now, so that your GC gets used to seeing you on screen as well as real life. Have a story book or toy with you that she is familiar with.

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