My husband is a taxi driver to his adult son. I need some opinions.

Browneyes My 2 boys have always earned their own money since they where at school they paid for any extra's they wanted out of their part-time jobs it instills a work ethic at an early age something this young man has not been shown when he was younger.
Tell your husband you will not allow this to continue he is enabling him to continue this way I certainly would not put up with it from my son's and my late husband would not do it as much as we love them.

I agree with trisher that there are too many unanswered questions here to give an opinion or advice. For instance as far as I can see you have not stated that he doesn’t make any financial contribution to his ‘keep’ only that he doesn’t contribute towards gas/petrol.

So easy for us to write the story when we don’t know the facts!

No, your not being unreasonable at all. It is about time he stood on his own two feet and become more independent from you ar else he will never take responsibility for his own life.

I agree your car became the family car when your dh and you decided for his car to be sold and became a 1 car family.

You still have a call on how family assets are used

Irrespective of your issues with your husband driving his son around, I think you need to stop looking at 'my car'. If you as a couple agreed to downsize to one car, it is very unfair of you to complain when your husband uses it. It is surely now the car for both of you to use? I sold my car, we now have one, it is not my husband's car, or my car, it is 'the' car and we share it.

Just another point of view, I have two children around the same age who have opted to not get a car to avoid the costs involved. At this stage of their life, that is not a bad decision. I confess they do get a lot of driving around at the moment because Covid. I'd prefer them not to risk bringing Covid into the household or getting it themselves. When the situation improves a lot, they will be back on public transport. Could this have anything to do with it?

Some useful advice on here Browneyes87.

What do you think?

Covid would be an issue for me and I may drive him a bit rather than have him use public transport. I know housing in LA is tough and have seen the tents on the street so wouldn't want to be pushing him to leave at the moment.
It maybe that he just doesn't know where he "fits" yet and hasn't found his niche. Obviously, if he finished education 2 years ago I'm assuming that was the summer - well by the following year (maybe 6 months in) the pandemic hit and life in the UK certainly shifted and my own son in California has been rethinking/reworking how he lives his life and it's been tough.

Maybe speak to your husband gently about his son. What does he think? Ask him if he thinks he's a bit down? Could he be depressed? Has he given up hope?

You say his old car stopped working about a year ago for some reason - why not ask why? Can you help out by getting it fixed or would that be super-expensive? If his car was going, all the frustration you feel about using the other car would disappear.

But why is the family car, your car just because you are on the loan document and pay for it? Presumably your husband is an insured driver on this vehicle? Like others I find this car arrangement really odd.

We have separate cars, it is pretty common here. I don’t drive my husband’s car, it is too big and scary. Mine is just a little Toyota Corolla which you can park anywhere.

Sounds as though your stepson needs some help.
It isn't good for him to be treated like a 10 year old, being driven to his girlfriends and picked up all the time, especially if he doesn't contribute.
He may well be depressed or anxious ( even if he doesn't seem to be) and need some professional help, but a calm chat with all three of you ( or just with his dad at first?) is probably needed as a starting point.
Something along these lines....?
He probably needs to be told he is loved and that you both want the best for him as a starting point. If there is anything his dad feels guilty about from his previous break-up or feels he wasn't there for his son at some points, he should apologise ( but not grovel).
You can then say that you don't think his current situation is good for him: offer to do what you can to help him find a job ( even part-time or voluntary work); explain he needs to contribute to the household ( financially if possible and certainly with housework/maintenance/repairs) and that he will actually feel better when he does so; offer to give lifts some of the time when it suits but put some sort of limit on it; ask how his mental wellbeing is and offer to find help if he needs it ( probably expensive is US, but are there charitable organisations?).
If he is just being lazy or inconsiderate, a lot of the same applies (he still needs to know he's loved and wanted) but maybe with a slightly less gentle approach?
Good luck.
PS: Agree with other posters, that the car should "belong" to both of you if you agreed to sell one car. That's what we did when I changed jobs and we didn't need 2 cars to both get to work. Now both retired and can only afford to run one car anyway. Everyone does finances differently, but is there anything about how you and your DH share expenses that warrants a wee discussion to see if you're both happy with the way you're doing this?

To me it seems like the age old problem - lack of communication. Why is it that people find it so hard to talk to those that they love, and are closest to? As others have said, talk to your husband about what is going on, how he plans to help his son grow up and become a useful member of society, or alternatively why he is babying him, and allowing him to walk all over you two as a couple. Once this has been clarified, then your husband should talk to his son, and follow through with the plan that you have both agreed.

With regard to the car situation, it would seem that originally you each had a car, and for some reason decided to sell the vehicle that your husband used, and possibly paid for. Having done this ourselves, I still tended to refer to 'my' car for a while, but gradually got out of the habit as time went by, probably, because we both contributed to the running of it, ie., we both put petrol in it, any repairs, together with the tax and insurance, was paid for out of our joint account, so it just became 'the' car, rather than 'my' car. If your husband is contributing in other ways, ie, he pays for a gardener, or cleaner, or for decorating, while your contribution is paying to keep the car on the road, then you have to stop thinking of it as your car, as it's now a shared car, just like your home is a shared building.

Good luck moving forward OP, but do please start communicating with your husband, and step son, as to allow matters to fester, rather than dealing with them, is the highway to nowhere.

I have always considered having children is for life not for the first couple of decades of their life. My adult children have at various times come back to live in the family home for long periods of time. I have never expected any money from them, ever. I have always given them lifts on a regular basis to friends, work, train stations, airports etc. I do not understand parents who resent helping their adult children.

Offer to buy him a bicycle ! whenever he asks for a lift, invent a reason you HAVE to use the car yourself to go somewhere (preferably in the opposite direction !) ...I have a friend with a son like this she has no car, but even though her husband works in the opposite direction to her son's work, he takes him, picks him up, drives him anywhere he wants...he pays nothing not even 'keep' He only eats certain foods (he IS 38 !) which she will rush round to buy ........there is nothing wrong with him, and no reason he cannot do these things himself ! Perhaps both your husband and son need telling you are no longer lending your car unless payment for fuel and wear and tear is forthcoming. See if he leaves home !

He's a leech. He needs to grow up and stand on his own feet. How did he cope when he was a college student? Did he need a lot of parental help through his degree studies? You say he did have a car but it 'stopped working'. Did he make any effort to replace it or get it back on the road? As a teenager, did he do as most of them do, take on part-time jobs in order to achieve a measure of independence? Or has he always been a spoilt brat? Sounds to me that your DH is trying to compensate for something that his son has missed out on.

Probably much like a mother or father would taxi their daughter about - it’s just what parents do.

I was just re-reading this post. As the son spends a few nights with them, then a couple of nights with his girlfriend this "all the time" picking up and dropping off can amount to no more than a couple of journeys once or twice a week. That doesn't seem excessive to me.

Well said Tempest. Your children don’t suddenly stop needing help when they reach a certain age.
Do any of you realise how difficult it is to get jobs nowadays? Even before COVID they were few and far between, it’s worse now. Gone are the days of leaving school/college and taking ones pick of good jobs.
My 28 year old son doesn’t drive (he has dyspraxia) and as he says he falls down stairs most days, can’t tie a shoelace or walk in a straight line, would we really want him behind the wheel of a ton of metal?
I am very, very happy to drive him to work and pick him up again if need be. He doesn’t earn much but pays his way by cooking 90% of the family meals (100% while he was furloughed). He is a joy to have around. Maybe the OP could try involving her stepson in their lives instead of seeing him as a nuisance.

If you're married, the car belongs to both of you surely. I would be more than happy for my husband to have that time with his son but I would be encouraging him to find ways of helping his son get employment. I wouldn't expect him to pay for the gas unless it was a great distance and it wasn't a necessity. I wonder if you would be happier if it were your own son.

so you have a 24 year old baby in your midst? as you need to teach small children to be independent , you need to teach this child to be indpendent. I was fortunate as my parents never had a car so I was never reliant on this type of "taxi" .

I do understand your dilemma, I too have 2 adult sons living at home, ones 32 the other is 22. Believe it or not, my 22 year old does drive and has a van, my 31 year old doesn't drive. Personally I think it comes down to personality and confidence. My older son has OCD and gets very anxious about things, my younger son does ferry him around and so does my husband. I've tried encouraging him to be independant, I've tried giving him the" hard" word. He has a tough exterior, but inside he's struggling. He has a full time job but he won't leave home, again I think he has some issues. I've told him we won't be around forever and one day, he will have no choice but to stand on his own feet. Apart from that there's really not much else I can do other than to throw him out.( which I won't do, there's no need to) I do worry about him though. He's my son and my husbands stepson, my youngest is both our son. Again I do think it's down to personality and any problems he'd had to face from my previous violent marriage, it also makes me feel responsible for the way he is, maybe that's why I'm quite lenient. Don't be too hard on your husbands son, there's probably a reason why he runs after him. He'll move on when he's ready, but don't push him out, it will make matters worse if he struggles in some way, he won't tell you if he does because men, regardless of how young or old they are, will see telling you as a sign of weakness if he can't cope with something. My younger son opens up to me more than my eldest does. That's just the way it is. I also have 3 daughters to my first husband, 2 of them aren't at all close to me, and the other is just happy go lucky. It's sad, as I always wanted a close family, its something I never had, I too suffer from mental health issues, so maybe that's why. I can only offer you advice on my own experiences.

I've just thought all my 3 DS's at one time or another lived with me as adults. As I don't drive I didn't ferry them around but they were welcomed and cared for in my home. Now they all have somewhere to live, but they visit me, run errands for me and during Covid have ferried me around so I don't use public transport. If you care for them and provide for them your children understand and will treat you kindly when the time comes and you need their help.

Your husband seems to be intent on destroying his son, which is much more worrying than who pays for the car and gas. He should be teaching his son to stand on his own two feet otherwise what will become of the lad when his father is no longer around to look after him.

I had no idea that Gransnet is an international-thought it was just UK

It's difficult to comment without knowing all the facts so I'll just tell you about my family. OH is my second husband and I have a daughter from my first marriage who lived with us until she went to uni. OH treats her with the same kindness and generosity that he shows our own daughter and although she's now mid 40's he's exactly the same. He'll happily do whatever he can to help them, nothing is too much trouble and it's one of the things I love about him. It also makes him feel happy, his help and attention is never done churlishly. With regard to cars, money (wherever it might come from) and any other assets that we have or we brought into our marriage, they belong to us both jointly. It would honestly never occur to either of us to talk in terms of mine and yours. Perhaps this is how your husband thinks about life and marriage. Why not talk to him and find out. I can't help that posting on here might lead to further resentment rather than finding out what you are disgruntled about.

go on to ebay or if you can afford it buy him either a 2nd hand bike or a new one and if he asks for a lift say to your husband....sorry i need the car.