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My husband is a taxi driver to his adult son. I need some opinions.

(65 Posts)
Browneyes87 Wed 02-Jun-21 02:58:19

Hi
I’m new. This is not particularly about grandchildren but I know there are women here who have adult children and that’s why I decided to create this thread.
My husband has an adult son from a previous relationship who graduated from college 2 years ago. His son has been unemployed for a long time. He doesn’t even search for a job. I don’t know why he’s like this.

Since he doesn’t live on his own yet (even though he should) he sleeps at our house a few nights but he also goes to his girlfriend’s house a lot and stays there for 2 days and comes back. The thing is that my husband is always dropping off his son at his girlfriend’s house and picking him up to come to our house. The young man is 24. His old car stopped working about a year ago for some reason. But what makes me uncomfortable is that my husband uses MY car to drive his son back and forth. My husband sold his car so we only have mine, which I pay for every month. I pay for the maintenance, the car loan, insurance and it adds up.

I don’t know how normal it is for a 24 year old to have his dad drive him instead of being more self sufficient and getting around on his own. His son has NEVER been considerate and offer gas money. Me and my husband are paying all the extra gas that the car uses to drive his son all the time. We live in Los Angeles so there are buses and plenty of public transportation he can use. Lots of teenagers and even elderly people get on the buses or trains. Is it normal that my husband drives him around at his age? If it was to a job it would be different but he doesn’t work and just spends the day with his girlfriend or at our house playing video games.
I want to tell my husband to stop driving his son in my car. He’s an adult and he can find a way to get around. Am I being unreasonable? I want to hear some opinions from parents of adult children. I feel like he got too comfortable getting free rides in my car.

CoffeeFirst Wed 02-Jun-21 03:26:02

I’m inclined to agree with you. He’s getting free rides in your car, yet he’s not even got a job.

Is there a reason why he’s not managed to find employment? How does your husband feel about this?

I think there’s some talking to be done as resentment will build up further.

Hithere Wed 02-Jun-21 04:35:29

It is your car.
Tell your dh to find another method of transportation - no more rides for his son

Uber and Lyft are in LA - the son can create an account and move around.

However, the car is a small detail in the bigger picture.
Your dh has to stop enabling his son.
Why is the son going to look for a job, use the bus, etc if his father will come to his rescue?
How is the son paying for any of his expenses if he is not working?

Where is the son going to live if he breaks up with the girlfriend?

Get mad at your dh, not the son

If is your dh that has to give you money for gas, wear and tear of car, etc.

BigBertha1 Wed 02-Jun-21 06:57:21

One or both of those two men needs a kick up the...... I would give it to them if I were you.

Esspee Wed 02-Jun-21 06:58:10

I would be more concerned at housing and presumably feeding and otherwise funding an adult layabout. If he is allowed to live this type of lifestyle he won’t be motivated to do anything to better himself.
LA is an extremely expensive city to live in and I found a car essential to get around.
When you married presumably you agreed to house this young man. Time for a discussion as to what needs to happen in the future. It is your husband’s responsibility to lay down the house rules after you both agree a course of action.

Doodledog Wed 02-Jun-21 07:24:14

I think you need to decide whether it is your car, or the family car that you happen to pay for, so get to decide who uses it. The way you talk about the car makes it sound as though the son is almost a side issue. If it was a joint decision to sell your husband’s car and keep yours, I would see it as a shared car, with you and your husband having equal rights to use it, in which case lifts for the son should be negotiated.

If that is just the way the wording makes the situation sound, and the problem is with the son, then I think you need to ask yourself what exactly is the issue. Do you want him to move out of your house? Are you prepared to make your husband choose between you? Is it that you expect the son to pull his weight more? Does your husband use the car when you want it for something else?

When you are clear about exactly what is upsetting you, you can speak to both of them and get their perspective on the situation, and decide what you want to do about it.

Bobbysgirl19 Wed 02-Jun-21 07:58:06

Good advice given by Doodledog. Also if your car is to become the sole family car now can't see a problem in your husband giving your stepson occasional lifts, isn't that what parents do. What is the distance involved?

M0nica Wed 02-Jun-21 08:01:58

I assume he does not pay for his keep either. If he gets any kind of unemployment pay, expect him to pay a third of it to you for his keep.

Does your DH do all he does for his son because he feels guilty that the break up with his mother caused his son psychological damage which is why he is the ineffectual perdson he is now? In that case he is doing his DS further damage now by enabling to live as he does.

This young man needs to have the rug pulled from under him amd told to grow up. If he is old enough to have a girlfriend, he is old enough to do a job, any job, however menial to get him standing on his own two feet, he can then move up from there.

TerriBull Wed 02-Jun-21 08:02:11

Just playing devil's advocate here, but maybe your husband is taking that time alone with his son during these pick ups, to bend his ear, maybe that's their one to one time where he feels able to discuss what direction, or lack of it, his son's life is taking. Maybe he feels, given his son's propensity for the video games, that during the drives he has his full attention. Do you know how his girlfriend feels about him dossing about her place too? does she work?

We read a lot about the homelessness problem in LA, I imagine there is great difficulty in renting properties. What are employment prospects like there? would he have to move state?.

Sitting around playing video games at age 24 would be enough to drive anyone nuts 2 years after graduation. That's the real issue your husband needs to tackle with him, he sounds as if he is in a rut and displaying depressing behaviour which I imagine is the main issue affecting you and quite understandable under the circumstances.

I hope you manage to sort things out.

timetogo2016 Wed 02-Jun-21 08:12:14

No fees no free rides to and fro end of.
It`s your money he is living off.
He needs to grow up and stop being a sponger.

Alexa Wed 02-Jun-21 08:21:04

I agree with Terribull. I do understand how your husband might feel about his son's welfare. However it is not good for the young man to look to an aging parent to support him in luxuries like transport by private car. It is time the son understood the car does not belong to his father but to you.

It is high time you and your husband discussed how the young man is to be subsidised by his parent.

Do people in Los Angeles receive adequate pensions when they are unemployed or unemployable?

SpringyChicken Wed 02-Jun-21 08:36:38

Your husband probably wants to do the taxiing for his boy and the chatting is beneficial to their relationship. Hopefully your husband uses the opportunity to talk about son’s career plans.
To be honest, it makes me cringe when I hear things like ‘it’s MY car, I pay for it’ as if you aren’t married at all.

25Avalon Wed 02-Jun-21 08:45:20

How will the son ever learn to stand on his own two feet? This is doing him no favours in the long run. Regardless of whose car it is it shouldn’t be happening except in an emergency when, of course you would want to help.

FarNorth Wed 02-Jun-21 08:46:19

Did you agree to 'your car' becoming a shared car with your DH?
If not, say so.
If you did, do you now think that your DH is using it more than he should?

Did you agree to the son living with you part time?
If not, say so.
If you did, what's the problem?
If you did, but now want him to leave or to contribute more to expenses, then say so.

Shropshirelass Wed 02-Jun-21 08:52:46

His son should stand on his own two feet now. Mine had to cycle or walk or get the bus if they wanted to go anywhere when they were in their mid to late teens, unless it was late then I was quite happy to be a taxi. They both had part time jobs too whilst at college/uni. They are both now quite independent so I know I did the right thing then, sometimes you have to say no.

sodapop Wed 02-Jun-21 08:54:17

I find the car issue strange, but I think people organise their finances in different ways. You and your husband need to have a discussion about the dependency of his son at 24 and how you can help him become more independent Browneyes,

Fleur20 Wed 02-Jun-21 09:28:57

Your car=you pay for it. Family car=the family pay for it.
Your husband is enabling his son to do exactly what he wants.. live free of charge, responsibility.. a proper manchild ... time for tough love... get a job... any job.. start contributing to the household or live someplace else.
If he needs to talk to his son..they can sit in the garden, go for a walk..
Children are SUPPOSED to grow up... move on with their lives as adults.
Nothing is going to change unless you address it.. challenge it...
You will still be living like this in 10 years if you dont!
Good luck!

Redhead56 Wed 02-Jun-21 09:43:23

I don't agree with carrying a young adult around pandering to their needs. Our son and daughter both got jobs and bought cars as soon as they could so they would be independent. They both went on to further education and were successful in their careers.

I wonder if your husband pussyfoots after his son to make up for his lack parenting in the past. Where does the sons mum fit into his life if at all? Does your husband work and how does he get around does he contribute to the finances?

Why are you the only person who pays for the car expenses? It's supposed to be a marriage so surely there should be a pot for everyday living food bills etc. You need to address this I think you are being used ny your husband and his son. You know this of course that's why the resentment is setting in.

Ground rules everybody needs them start addressing what's acceptable and isn't. Loafing around all day watching video games is not and not contributing anything to a household is not either. You have been a pushover for far too long.

Talullah Wed 02-Jun-21 09:46:36

I know a family like this. They have 3 adult children who get taken everywhere by Dad. He even gets up at 5 am to take his 28 year old son to work. Baffles me but we're all different I suppose. If I was you I'd say this nonsense has to stop. Public transport, taxi, walk. Those should be his choices.

JaneJudge Wed 02-Jun-21 09:53:16

I agree with TerriBull too. I think we all know families where adult children are babied by their parents but I don't think it is any way normal unless those young people have additional needs or an illness or a disability. It sounds like the son is depressed though, the first thing that sprung to my mind was dependency of weed tbh but I may be way off the mark

grannyactivist Wed 02-Jun-21 09:55:11

My own advice would be biased as my husband and I made a decision to encourage our children to be independent from their early teens, so we have never provided lifts and as soon as they were working they made a contribution to household expenses.

I would say that you need a frank discussion with your husband.

aggie Wed 02-Jun-21 09:56:24

Maybe you could “need” the car the next time the son wants ferried about ?
If you pay for gas , maybe forget to get some next time you are out ?
Actually I feel sorry for the son , he must get the vibes that all is not well

trisher Wed 02-Jun-21 10:02:00

It's obvious you aren't happy about the situation, but there are too many unanswered questions for me to give you my opinion. How long have you been married? for example. Where is the young man's mother? If you are paying for the car is your husband perhaps paying for other things, like the house, and if he is how would you feel if he told you it was his house and not shared? Is the dad perhaps harbouring some guilt about his son and providing transport and housing to make him feel better?
As I see it you have two choices anyway. You can leave things as they are and try not to allow your feelings of resentment to build or you can tackle your husband and risk the family row that might follow.

nanna8 Wed 02-Jun-21 10:11:30

If he has a driving licence he should get his own car. Has he got some sort of mental illness perhaps ? It doesn’t sound normal to depend on others like he is doing at his age. A bit of tough love required ?

lemsip Wed 02-Jun-21 10:11:56

I agree with a lot of the comments on here and that he should be more independent. What sort of a relationship with your husband do you have that you can't discuss it with him Doesn't he know how you feel?

If it was your son would you be doing the same re the lifts. We all feel differently about our own.