My husband is a taxi driver to his adult son. I need some opinions.

Another old thread resurrected by a Spam post

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Trisher I said IF I did not assume he IS

M0nica you don't know what the son is like or what he is doing, you only have one (very biased) view of events. There is obviously resentment and jealousy involved. The son may be "ruined" on the other hand he may be a very nice young man who just needs support and who will eventually find his place in the world. For some it sometimes takes longer.

i already had an image of the film, the graduate. now more so.
are you sure he's going to see his girlfriend, and not her mother ? !

this sounds all wrong.
a very unhealthy dynamic.
nothing to do with family teamwork, helping each other.
what help does this son give to the household.
why can't he get an uber. use some of his benefits.
OP this will drag you down.
don't know what to suggest.

trisher, the problem is that as much as the father may choose to spend his money on his son, and as you say, that is entirely his business, but if in so doing he is damaging his son, making him believe that his father, if not the whole world owes him a living, then the father is being self-indulgent and selfish and should face up to the damage his behaviour is doing to is son.

If it's his own money he's spending it's entirely his business. If providing for his son makes him happy why would you want to stop that? Why not just let them get on with it and find something you enjoy doing.

Also, I’m still not sure if my DH is the one wanting to drive his son or if it’s his son wanting lifts. I do remember one time that I heard my DH pick up his phone and his son asking him at what time he was going to pick him up and that he was waiting. My DH and I were busy at that time. He sounded a bit demanding. He has also asked my DH if he can take him to his girlfriend’s at 10 pm on a weekday when my husband is supposed to work the next day. Sounds inconsiderate to me.

He won’t ride a bike, believe me. He’s too spoiled. His first car (the one that stopped working) was bought by his dad, as well as his entire college tuition. Stepson doesn’t have any school loans or anything. He’s never had any responsibilities. He’s lucky.
Plus, his dad also gave him a credit card with a lot of money when he graduated from college and a trip to Japan. I can’t picture him riding a bike if he has been given everything he ever wanted.
That’s probably why he feels entitled to drive by car all the time and not take any public transportation.
My DH is not rich by the way!!! But he raised his son this way.

geekesse

There’s a world of difference between helping an adult child out with a lift occasionally, or having them to stay temporarily in a crisis, and treating them like a teenager the whole time. Competent parenting is all about raising people who can live in the world independently. It seems to me from this thread that some people, including the OP’s husband, choose to ignore this responsibility.

Of course, there are exceptions - disability, for example. But in most cases it’s a sad co-dependency thing, where both parent and child affirm each other’s inadequacy.

Wow, that's a very harsh view of a situation that you know very little about but thankfully not everyone seems to share your views.

Can I point out as well that no one knows if it is the son asking for a lift or the dad offering. Sometimes dads use something like this to ease any guilt they feel.

Maybe time to re-frame the way you view this situation? If this boy was diagnosed with a serious illness would you and your husband move heaven and earth to help him ? Well actually you don't have to, your husband just has to give him lifts a few times a week. Our adult children are much older than him and normally cope very well with life and bringing up their families. However sometimes life throws a curved ball and they need a bit of practical support from us. We give it without question. It is swings and roundabouts, they are both kind and generous to us and good decent people. A family is a team and when one person is in difficulties the rest of the team help to pick them up. Are you enabling this boy to carry on this unemployed lifestyle? Could you positively encourage him to find work? Again if you act as a team, he would have very little excuse not to co-operate. Not criticizing you for one moment, just offering a different perspective. We can be too close to our own issues to see the wood for the trees.

I'm not sure geekesse. My children have chosen not to have a car because public transport is sufficient for them. That's not usually a problem. I drop them at work at the moment, not out of co-dependence or because they aren't capable, but because there is a pandemic. When cases surge, I drive them for their own and everyone else in the family's sake. When it settles, they will be back on public transport.

Then again, sometimes I drive them just to be nice or because the weather is adverse and I am available to do it. It's a nice time to chat too.

To each their own, for their own reasons.

There’s a world of difference between helping an adult child out with a lift occasionally, or having them to stay temporarily in a crisis, and treating them like a teenager the whole time. Competent parenting is all about raising people who can live in the world independently. It seems to me from this thread that some people, including the OP’s husband, choose to ignore this responsibility.

Of course, there are exceptions - disability, for example. But in most cases it’s a sad co-dependency thing, where both parent and child affirm each other’s inadequacy.

Why is your husband ferrying him around, he should be more independent at 24 years old! Why has he no job! Also the situation with the car is strange to me, if you are married and your husband sold his car then surely it’s our car,

New thread:

www.gransnet.com/forums/ask_a_gran/1296680-Hi-I-m-back

go on to ebay or if you can afford it buy him either a 2nd hand bike or a new one and if he asks for a lift say to your husband....sorry i need the car.

It's difficult to comment without knowing all the facts so I'll just tell you about my family. OH is my second husband and I have a daughter from my first marriage who lived with us until she went to uni. OH treats her with the same kindness and generosity that he shows our own daughter and although she's now mid 40's he's exactly the same. He'll happily do whatever he can to help them, nothing is too much trouble and it's one of the things I love about him. It also makes him feel happy, his help and attention is never done churlishly. With regard to cars, money (wherever it might come from) and any other assets that we have or we brought into our marriage, they belong to us both jointly. It would honestly never occur to either of us to talk in terms of mine and yours. Perhaps this is how your husband thinks about life and marriage. Why not talk to him and find out. I can't help that posting on here might lead to further resentment rather than finding out what you are disgruntled about.

I had no idea that Gransnet is an international-thought it was just UK

Your husband seems to be intent on destroying his son, which is much more worrying than who pays for the car and gas. He should be teaching his son to stand on his own two feet otherwise what will become of the lad when his father is no longer around to look after him.

I've just thought all my 3 DS's at one time or another lived with me as adults. As I don't drive I didn't ferry them around but they were welcomed and cared for in my home. Now they all have somewhere to live, but they visit me, run errands for me and during Covid have ferried me around so I don't use public transport. If you care for them and provide for them your children understand and will treat you kindly when the time comes and you need their help.

I do understand your dilemma, I too have 2 adult sons living at home, ones 32 the other is 22. Believe it or not, my 22 year old does drive and has a van, my 31 year old doesn't drive. Personally I think it comes down to personality and confidence. My older son has OCD and gets very anxious about things, my younger son does ferry him around and so does my husband. I've tried encouraging him to be independant, I've tried giving him the" hard" word. He has a tough exterior, but inside he's struggling. He has a full time job but he won't leave home, again I think he has some issues. I've told him we won't be around forever and one day, he will have no choice but to stand on his own feet. Apart from that there's really not much else I can do other than to throw him out.( which I won't do, there's no need to) I do worry about him though. He's my son and my husbands stepson, my youngest is both our son. Again I do think it's down to personality and any problems he'd had to face from my previous violent marriage, it also makes me feel responsible for the way he is, maybe that's why I'm quite lenient. Don't be too hard on your husbands son, there's probably a reason why he runs after him. He'll move on when he's ready, but don't push him out, it will make matters worse if he struggles in some way, he won't tell you if he does because men, regardless of how young or old they are, will see telling you as a sign of weakness if he can't cope with something. My younger son opens up to me more than my eldest does. That's just the way it is. I also have 3 daughters to my first husband, 2 of them aren't at all close to me, and the other is just happy go lucky. It's sad, as I always wanted a close family, its something I never had, I too suffer from mental health issues, so maybe that's why. I can only offer you advice on my own experiences.

so you have a 24 year old baby in your midst? as you need to teach small children to be independent , you need to teach this child to be indpendent. I was fortunate as my parents never had a car so I was never reliant on this type of "taxi" .