My husband is a taxi driver to his adult son. I need some opinions.

If you're married, the car belongs to both of you surely. I would be more than happy for my husband to have that time with his son but I would be encouraging him to find ways of helping his son get employment. I wouldn't expect him to pay for the gas unless it was a great distance and it wasn't a necessity. I wonder if you would be happier if it were your own son.

Well said Tempest. Your children don’t suddenly stop needing help when they reach a certain age.
Do any of you realise how difficult it is to get jobs nowadays? Even before COVID they were few and far between, it’s worse now. Gone are the days of leaving school/college and taking ones pick of good jobs.
My 28 year old son doesn’t drive (he has dyspraxia) and as he says he falls down stairs most days, can’t tie a shoelace or walk in a straight line, would we really want him behind the wheel of a ton of metal?
I am very, very happy to drive him to work and pick him up again if need be. He doesn’t earn much but pays his way by cooking 90% of the family meals (100% while he was furloughed). He is a joy to have around. Maybe the OP could try involving her stepson in their lives instead of seeing him as a nuisance.

I was just re-reading this post. As the son spends a few nights with them, then a couple of nights with his girlfriend this "all the time" picking up and dropping off can amount to no more than a couple of journeys once or twice a week. That doesn't seem excessive to me.

Probably much like a mother or father would taxi their daughter about - it’s just what parents do.

He's a leech. He needs to grow up and stand on his own feet. How did he cope when he was a college student? Did he need a lot of parental help through his degree studies? You say he did have a car but it 'stopped working'. Did he make any effort to replace it or get it back on the road? As a teenager, did he do as most of them do, take on part-time jobs in order to achieve a measure of independence? Or has he always been a spoilt brat? Sounds to me that your DH is trying to compensate for something that his son has missed out on.

Offer to buy him a bicycle ! whenever he asks for a lift, invent a reason you HAVE to use the car yourself to go somewhere (preferably in the opposite direction !) ...I have a friend with a son like this she has no car, but even though her husband works in the opposite direction to her son's work, he takes him, picks him up, drives him anywhere he wants...he pays nothing not even 'keep' He only eats certain foods (he IS 38 !) which she will rush round to buy ........there is nothing wrong with him, and no reason he cannot do these things himself ! Perhaps both your husband and son need telling you are no longer lending your car unless payment for fuel and wear and tear is forthcoming. See if he leaves home !

I have always considered having children is for life not for the first couple of decades of their life. My adult children have at various times come back to live in the family home for long periods of time. I have never expected any money from them, ever. I have always given them lifts on a regular basis to friends, work, train stations, airports etc. I do not understand parents who resent helping their adult children.

To me it seems like the age old problem - lack of communication. Why is it that people find it so hard to talk to those that they love, and are closest to? As others have said, talk to your husband about what is going on, how he plans to help his son grow up and become a useful member of society, or alternatively why he is babying him, and allowing him to walk all over you two as a couple. Once this has been clarified, then your husband should talk to his son, and follow through with the plan that you have both agreed.

With regard to the car situation, it would seem that originally you each had a car, and for some reason decided to sell the vehicle that your husband used, and possibly paid for. Having done this ourselves, I still tended to refer to 'my' car for a while, but gradually got out of the habit as time went by, probably, because we both contributed to the running of it, ie., we both put petrol in it, any repairs, together with the tax and insurance, was paid for out of our joint account, so it just became 'the' car, rather than 'my' car. If your husband is contributing in other ways, ie, he pays for a gardener, or cleaner, or for decorating, while your contribution is paying to keep the car on the road, then you have to stop thinking of it as your car, as it's now a shared car, just like your home is a shared building.

Good luck moving forward OP, but do please start communicating with your husband, and step son, as to allow matters to fester, rather than dealing with them, is the highway to nowhere.

Sounds as though your stepson needs some help.
It isn't good for him to be treated like a 10 year old, being driven to his girlfriends and picked up all the time, especially if he doesn't contribute.
He may well be depressed or anxious ( even if he doesn't seem to be) and need some professional help, but a calm chat with all three of you ( or just with his dad at first?) is probably needed as a starting point.
Something along these lines....?
He probably needs to be told he is loved and that you both want the best for him as a starting point. If there is anything his dad feels guilty about from his previous break-up or feels he wasn't there for his son at some points, he should apologise ( but not grovel).
You can then say that you don't think his current situation is good for him: offer to do what you can to help him find a job ( even part-time or voluntary work); explain he needs to contribute to the household ( financially if possible and certainly with housework/maintenance/repairs) and that he will actually feel better when he does so; offer to give lifts some of the time when it suits but put some sort of limit on it; ask how his mental wellbeing is and offer to find help if he needs it ( probably expensive is US, but are there charitable organisations?).
If he is just being lazy or inconsiderate, a lot of the same applies (he still needs to know he's loved and wanted) but maybe with a slightly less gentle approach?
Good luck.
PS: Agree with other posters, that the car should "belong" to both of you if you agreed to sell one car. That's what we did when I changed jobs and we didn't need 2 cars to both get to work. Now both retired and can only afford to run one car anyway. Everyone does finances differently, but is there anything about how you and your DH share expenses that warrants a wee discussion to see if you're both happy with the way you're doing this?

We have separate cars, it is pretty common here. I don’t drive my husband’s car, it is too big and scary. Mine is just a little Toyota Corolla which you can park anywhere.

Covid would be an issue for me and I may drive him a bit rather than have him use public transport. I know housing in LA is tough and have seen the tents on the street so wouldn't want to be pushing him to leave at the moment.
It maybe that he just doesn't know where he "fits" yet and hasn't found his niche. Obviously, if he finished education 2 years ago I'm assuming that was the summer - well by the following year (maybe 6 months in) the pandemic hit and life in the UK certainly shifted and my own son in California has been rethinking/reworking how he lives his life and it's been tough.

Maybe speak to your husband gently about his son. What does he think? Ask him if he thinks he's a bit down? Could he be depressed? Has he given up hope?

You say his old car stopped working about a year ago for some reason - why not ask why? Can you help out by getting it fixed or would that be super-expensive? If his car was going, all the frustration you feel about using the other car would disappear.

But why is the family car, your car just because you are on the loan document and pay for it? Presumably your husband is an insured driver on this vehicle? Like others I find this car arrangement really odd.

Some useful advice on here Browneyes87.

What do you think?

Just another point of view, I have two children around the same age who have opted to not get a car to avoid the costs involved. At this stage of their life, that is not a bad decision. I confess they do get a lot of driving around at the moment because Covid. I'd prefer them not to risk bringing Covid into the household or getting it themselves. When the situation improves a lot, they will be back on public transport. Could this have anything to do with it?

Irrespective of your issues with your husband driving his son around, I think you need to stop looking at 'my car'. If you as a couple agreed to downsize to one car, it is very unfair of you to complain when your husband uses it. It is surely now the car for both of you to use? I sold my car, we now have one, it is not my husband's car, or my car, it is 'the' car and we share it.

I agree your car became the family car when your dh and you decided for his car to be sold and became a 1 car family.

You still have a call on how family assets are used

No, your not being unreasonable at all. It is about time he stood on his own two feet and become more independent from you ar else he will never take responsibility for his own life.

I agree with trisher that there are too many unanswered questions here to give an opinion or advice. For instance as far as I can see you have not stated that he doesn’t make any financial contribution to his ‘keep’ only that he doesn’t contribute towards gas/petrol.

So easy for us to write the story when we don’t know the facts!

Browneyes My 2 boys have always earned their own money since they where at school they paid for any extra's they wanted out of their part-time jobs it instills a work ethic at an early age something this young man has not been shown when he was younger.
Tell your husband you will not allow this to continue he is enabling him to continue this way I certainly would not put up with it from my son's and my late husband would not do it as much as we love them.

I agree with a lot of the comments on here and that he should be more independent. What sort of a relationship with your husband do you have that you can't discuss it with him Doesn't he know how you feel?

If it was your son would you be doing the same re the lifts. We all feel differently about our own.

If he has a driving licence he should get his own car. Has he got some sort of mental illness perhaps ? It doesn’t sound normal to depend on others like he is doing at his age. A bit of tough love required ?

It's obvious you aren't happy about the situation, but there are too many unanswered questions for me to give you my opinion. How long have you been married? for example. Where is the young man's mother? If you are paying for the car is your husband perhaps paying for other things, like the house, and if he is how would you feel if he told you it was his house and not shared? Is the dad perhaps harbouring some guilt about his son and providing transport and housing to make him feel better?
As I see it you have two choices anyway. You can leave things as they are and try not to allow your feelings of resentment to build or you can tackle your husband and risk the family row that might follow.

Maybe you could “need” the car the next time the son wants ferried about ?
If you pay for gas , maybe forget to get some next time you are out ?
Actually I feel sorry for the son , he must get the vibes that all is not well

My own advice would be biased as my husband and I made a decision to encourage our children to be independent from their early teens, so we have never provided lifts and as soon as they were working they made a contribution to household expenses.

I would say that you need a frank discussion with your husband.

I agree with TerriBull too. I think we all know families where adult children are babied by their parents but I don't think it is any way normal unless those young people have additional needs or an illness or a disability. It sounds like the son is depressed though, the first thing that sprung to my mind was dependency of weed tbh but I may be way off the mark

I know a family like this. They have 3 adult children who get taken everywhere by Dad. He even gets up at 5 am to take his 28 year old son to work. Baffles me but we're all different I suppose. If I was you I'd say this nonsense has to stop. Public transport, taxi, walk. Those should be his choices.