Being told what to do

Dryginger

My DH tells me how to drive even though he cant hisself it is so annoying.

When I first met OH he couldn’t drive. We visited his parents - they couldn’t drive either. I took them all out for an outing and had to put up with future FiL telling me how to drive! Nightmare.

There are some upsides to living alone. It took me a while to realise that I was in charge of my own life now, after a lifetime of being told what to do by men.
I think you should tell him how you feel and if he doesn't like it then he must lump it. Just do what you want anyway, but smilingly.

Good morning. I have one just as bad as yours. I do most of the local driving and Im constantly being directed which way to go, and its not the satnav lol. I get around it my mostly ignoring it but we do have fun together and had nice holidays before lockdown, so I just get on with it. Im too long in the tooth now to be upping sticks and hes too long in the tooth to change. Just enjoy the good times you have with him and learn to ignore his comments.
good luck.

Houseseller. I sympathise with you as my DH can be a bit like this. He has OCD and I have thought maybe verging on autism! (It is in his family and his siblings are very strange). I sometimes think he isn’t ‘normal’ as his reactions to things are are odd, sometimes how you would expect a child to react) to me anyway. But this overrides his positives. If I get irritated I just walk away, if he criticises then I just say that we all have different ways if doing things and this is my way. Sometimes I do get really fed up but just do my own thing until it passes. Let your partner know that his comments upset and hurt you, he just may not realise. Good luck.

I have no knowledge of this but definitely would hand over some of the tasks that he does “better”… definitely the online shopping (boring anyway)!

Being the partner of a widower is a minefield, especially if they were married a long time and/or had children.

From time to time we all do it to each other.
"If you know better how to do it; do it! Or show me how."
Occasionally walk away, since "You will be able to do it better than I can"

All part of living together.

Eating again? Next time, quote to him the Selkirk grace.

Some hae meat but canna eat,
And some wad eat, but want it,
but we hae meat, and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.

(Some have food but cannot eat,
And some would eat, but lack it,
But we have food, and we can eat,
And so the Lord be thanked)

Dryginger

My DH tells me how to drive even though he cant hisself it is so annoying.

its easy. stop the car and tell him to shut up or walk home. Its like training a child.

OP, i think the, eating again, comment is really unpleasant.
if you care for someone, live with them, you should be pleased that they are able to eat, and have enough to eat, and hopefully enjoy some pleasure from eating.
that comment drains all the pleasure away.
it's hard to be relaxed enough to digest properly in such an atmosphere.

there was a whole thread on MN recently about mansplaining.
one of the funniest ? was a 15 year old boy telling his mother what it was.

My DH tells me how to drive even though he cant hisself it is so annoying.

dragonfly46

^But he knows that I wouldn’t hesitate to leave if I really wasn’t happy.^

Gosh Peasblossom I am not sure I could live with that hanging over me!

It keeps him in line - mostly ?

Seriously, a couple of months after we moved in together I had to have a serous talk about how unhappy I was with his constant ‘negging’. (Love that word, never heard it before) I said calmly that perhaps we had made a mistake in thinking that we could live together, that his need to change everything I did told me he wasn’t happy either and that it was perfectly OK to say we tried it and it didn’t work.

It brought him up short and he does try now not to “improve’ everything. He has lapses and irritating spells of ‘advising’ me.

More important to me is to know I have options and that I stay because I chose to stay. 90% of the time now he’s good to live with. 10% and he finds me looking at Rightmove!!

ginny

You do need to talk seriously to him and make sure he realises how it makes you feel.
My husband has a tendency to do it but as some have said I just ask if he would like to take over.

One thing I never do is drive when he is in the car. He used to make me feel so nervous that after a while I refused to do it. Shot himself in the foot as we like getting out and about.
Fortunately he is quiet nice otherwise. ?

My late husband was a really really excellent driver. He used to train for the IAM and RoSPA. He had a phase when he wanted me to learn to drive like he did. I am much slower and more cautious but safe. Eventually I asked him if he thought I was a safe driver and he said yes of course, so I said he had two options when I was driving....he could be quiet or he could walk. It gobsmacked him a bit but he thought about it and apologised.
I think communication is key.

But he knows that I wouldn’t hesitate to leave if I really wasn’t happy.

Gosh Peasblossom I am not sure I could live with that hanging over me!

You do need to talk seriously to him and make sure he realises how it makes you feel.
My husband has a tendency to do it but as some have said I just ask if he would like to take over.

One thing I never do is drive when he is in the car. He used to make me feel so nervous that after a while I refused to do it. Shot himself in the foot as we like getting out and about.
Fortunately he is quiet nice otherwise. ?

He he as a great desire to be in charge ! Obviously feels he must direct /control his environment. Sadly this includes you. It may be that if he 'fails' to keep things under control he feels out of control and he is trying to avoid that. Could well be Asperger's syndrome? However what ever the reason I feel you must retaliate in the kindest way possible way. Make it very very clear that enough is enough. If he finds fault with your cooking simply down tools and walk out of the kitchen. No cross words simply ditch the cooking. Do not resume it either! Perhaps a few days of preparing his own meals or going hungry will break the cycle of his behaviour. For your sake I hope this works , if it doesn't and he continues to constantly find fault with all you do then this may be a large red flag warning you of worse to come. Please be alert ! Look after yourself.

This sort of behaviour is called negging. Negative sniping and criticism. In your shoes I would pull him up on it, as keeping quiet seems to make it worse. If he keeps it up just smile and say "yes love, if you say so". Works on my DH. ?

It’s had to tell how serious your post is. My husband has been a bit like that forever, but worse since he retired. We laugh about it though, and I just do it back. The biggest thing is when I’m driving. “ what are you going this way for?” Now I simply say, “because I’m driving...do you want to drive? Shall I get out here?”. I think since he’s semi retired ( still does some research work), he thinks I need help with stuff I’ve been doing for 40 years without his help! It’s all low key, I give ad good as I get.

If it’s like this for you, just ignore it, or tell him to do it. If it’s more serious and making you unhappy, maybe you need to rethink your relationship.

All the best ?

It sounds to me as if you need a break from each other. Now that things are opening up, do you have friends you could invite over or go out to meet? DH and I have not had much time apart since COVID and I am sure we stifle each other at times. Assert your independence whenever possible. Shrug off his criticisms.

People will treat you the way you let them.

He may be unaware that he does it. Talk to him about how you feel, not when he has just made a negative comment but when you are both calm. After the talk, it will be easier to pick him up on any comments he makes that you dislike.

Why are women still putting up with this type of thing? If my OH behaves in a way I consider upsetting or annoying, I flipping well tell him! Don’t you think the days of the silent little woman are long gone!

Is it ‘being together all the time’ syndrome? Lots of people have really struggled with all the lockdowns, as there’s nobody else to talk to for a lot of the time, and that amplifies getting on each other’s nerves. I know several men who have started going to Men’s Sheds in recent weeks, and have benefitted hugely from outside conversation with other men in a similar position to themselves. It might give him something else to think about.

I’ve had an even better idea. My OH tends to do it in fits and starts. Next time he has a bout of it I shall blow up a balloon every time, write on it and put it in his study. ??????Then he can fight his way through them!

Seriously, it is very grinding down. My OH does try not to do it and does repent until it gets the better of him again. At the moment the pluses outweigh this irritating habit. Because that’s what it is.

But he knows that I wouldn’t hesitate to leave if I really wasn’t happy.

‘Eating again?’ Sounds passive aggressive to me. Have you gained weight since being on steroids? Most people do. Perhaps he doesn’t like you a bit chubbier these days and thinks shaming you into assessing your food intake is ‘helpful’.

Communication is key here. As his attitude is bothering you it needs to be discussed. In depth if need be.

There are complex issues at play here. Your semi-dependence on him, his referencing his first wife (why? she’s not relevant to your relationship!). It depends how upset you are and how strong you feel after your ill health, as to how much you’d like to dig deeper on this issue. Only you can assess the level of distress or annoyance you feel.

Good luck, whatever you decide is best.