Is it wrong to not let MIl have LO every week?

MerylStreep

AbbieS9812
Your post in April received 4 pages of replies. Not one reply from you, let alone a thank you.

So is it all genuine ? maybe a pinch of salt is needed

Abbie you have posted about this problem previously, I am sorry that it is still continuing and worrying you.

I think your MIL is making huge unreasonable statements and demands ..but she sounds increasingly desperate...not your fault, she is not listening! However you are clearly keen to sustain a relationship with her and for your child to have a relationship with her.

There are some questions that you might find helpful to think about:

1. Do you feel uncomfortable to leave your child with MIL a)because of her demanding behaviour and pronouncements OR b) because you don't trust her with your child and to keep your child safe?

2. Have you and husband sat down and agreed what WOULD be helpful for MIL to do, if you are both comfortable with it? At the moment it sounds like she asks/lectures (not necessarily reasonably but increasingly desperately!) and you battle against her demands/lectures (understandably).

3. Is it possible for you and your husband, as a partnership, to sit down and tell her clearly and honestly that you do not want a set arrangement for childcare; , do not want to leave your child a lot but would appreciate help with ....; ?

4. If she argues, makes statements about bonding etc can you practice and then do actually say to her " Oh! WE think differently!" ...she says more you repeat "Oh. WE think differently!" She says you are repeating yourself you say "Yes, because you seem not to have heard that WE think differently!"
None of tge above has to be unpleasant, just calm and clearly stated.

5. When you visit, she visits, do you go into the kitchen, make tea perhaps, so she has bits of time playing with your child whilst you are near but not watching every move? Are you comfortable to do that? Is your child comfortable if you do that? If not why not? If yes, why don't you do it?

6. Does your husband understand that his mother's behaviour is unreasonable? Is he able to tell you whether she has always got her own way by wearing people down, including him? Does he understand how this might impact on his responses to her and to you? Does he realise that now your child's interests and yours take precedence and that you should work as a team?

I think that until you are clear about your thinking, and your husbands, around the above questions, no solution to this ongoing problem can be found. She will carry on as before and you will push her away as before the more she carries on, out of desperation. Step back and think about what YOU want, are happy with, what is driving your thinking. Then think about what she wants, what, if anything would work for you. Plan with your husband, as a team, and then put that plan into action consistently.

AbbieS9812 I wonder why the threads you started in March/April did not meet your expectations.
There cannot be much to add after all those pages.

AbbieS9812
Your post in April received 4 pages of replies. Not one reply from you, let alone a thank you.

Abbie
You were given a lot of good advice in April in how to handle your mother in law.
It seems you ignored all that good advice because your back with the same problematic mother in law.

There’s been so many threads like this Abbie. She’s your little girl. What you say goes. The shortest word in the English language, NO.

I also think your m-in-law sounds deranged in that she displays obsessive behaviour towards your child, your child, not hers! There is of course a spectrum in the attention any grandparent give their grand child/ren from the completely disinterested to those who are hell bent in maniacally wanting to usurp the parent's role, she is it seems at that upper end.

I'm inclined to agree with others though, only you can loosen the limpet like grasp she displays around your daughter, if she is as bad as you say she is, consider putting some distance between you and move. Having her down the road gives her endless opportunities to persist.

I agree Summerlove but if you look at lemsip's post "Do NOT ...." it's comes across as an unbreakable rule rather than a personal point of view.

Of course. But it isn’t a hard and fast rule !

Lucca

lemsip

You've got to be strong against mil. Do NOT let such a young child sleepover! far to young....The child is yours, no one else's.

Sorry I agree with most of the advice given about this MIL however I don’t think 18 months is too young to stay overnight with a grandparent. Why is it ? What rule states that ?

It is if a parent feels it is.

Each family has different levels of comfort

lemsip

You've got to be strong against mil. Do NOT let such a young child sleepover! far to young....The child is yours, no one else's.

Sorry I agree with most of the advice given about this MIL however I don’t think 18 months is too young to stay overnight with a grandparent. Why is it ? What rule states that ?

I remember being in a similar predicament when my children were small. Not half as bad at all, but how i resented my mil for expecting more and more contact and involvement. In hindsight, i realise i was worried about upsetting her and being labelled difficult. These days i couldnt give a flying f if i upset people, within reason, You have to be strong and deal with the comments that will come, if you do things differently and she doesnt like it. As for her doing peep o crap at the door, go to the door with her, child on your hip, wave bye bye sweetly, then close and lock the door behind her, such a simple solution. You need that conversation with your OH and if he is reluctant to say anything to her, then you have to accept you will be the ogre, in her eyes. But isnt that better than putting up with her behaviour that makes your blood boil? Trust me, you will be glad you have sorted this, when you are older and have grown a thicker skin. She may not like it, but she is being unreasonable, and needs to know it, one way or another.

Mind you, I can see how 18 months of being mithered like this has driven you up the wall.

Make sure she hasn’t got spare keys to your house. Most people understand the boundary of a locked door but she seems to not be picking that one up.

I’m afraid your other half sounds like a bit of a weasel not to have tried to find a solution to these massively mismatched expectations.

I think saying the OP's m.i.l. sounds "mentally deranged" and is "trying to abduct (the OP's D) and rear her herself" is way over the top M0nica.

Why don't we reward or give into unacceptable behaviour from children? Because is encourages them to carry on. There are 3 people who are equally responsible for what's happening here and has been happening for sometime. The OP, her husband and her m.i.l.

I thought this problems sounded familiar. the advice you got three months ago is the advice w are giving now.

Sadly, you are one of a number of people who post problems on GN, who somehow think there is some magic formula that will solve their problems with out them having to do anything about it. Usually it is this tendency to look to others to solve all their problems while they stick their heads in the sand that caused the problem in the first place.

I will, I am sorry but I am going to be brutal.

You have a mother in law who sounds mentally deranged, or is in relation to her grandchild and is trying to abduct your child and rear her herself

You have three options. They are in order of preference

1) Move house. if you are renting that shouldn't be a problem, less easy if you have to sell first. Move at least 30 miles, preferably not on a public transport route with a difficult car route as well . This is the sensible and best solution. If you are not on the doorstep it is much less easy to constantly visit.

2) Stand up for your child. Most women would die to protect their children, You aren't even prepared to stand up to an unpleasant woman. For heavens sake. Tell your MiL what your rules are, then expect her to obey them. If she hammers on the door for three hours in a thunder storm. leave her there. Keep the house locked during the day, so she cannot get in. Ignore her phone calls. If necessary seek legal advice, but for heavens sake be prepared to protect your child, that is what mothers are meant to do.

3) On the other hand you could could acquiesce, hand the child to your Mil, and go somewhere else and get a job.

All except the first mean that you have to do something. If all you are going to do is phaff around like duck in a thunderstorm, go for option 3 and be done with it.

Your other thread has been posted on again Abbie; might have been better to stick with the original rather than starting another one.

It really isn’t fair to favour your own family. I know grandparents have no rights but if they did they would surely be equal. My DIL openly favours her own mother who lives a long way away and will arrange her life such as dentist, hairdresser, going out with friends etc until her mother next comes to stay. It’s not nice to be treated this way.

Your MiL's behaviour is not good for your LO. Trying to make her cry when she leaves is cruel. If she loves your LO she wouldn't do this. She sounds very needy and you need to be firm with her.

Now things are opening up you could start going to mother and toddler groups so you are not always available

From the way the OP is written, it sounds as if AbbieS9812 is in the States, Redhead56.
Things may be different there.

I don't think there is anything I can add from the advice given on the previous thread(s).

Just seen after I posted you have repeated this post from earlier and you were given advice before, well it seems like you are going round in circles then and nothing has changed

Totally agree with lucky girls post! I’ve never heard anything like this, I wouldn’t be putting up with this for one second, whose child is this! 5 days a week, you feeling under pressure, if you want to ask your family to help that’s what you do, she’s moaning that she doesn’t get enough 1 to 1 time with her, she’s a toddler for gods sake not a parcel to be handed round, she would like to babysit every weekend, she’s got it all worked out hasnt she, you obviously don’t want this for your little one, and to top it all she’s pressurising you and making you feel uncomfortable and she’s rude! Where’s your partner in all this, quite frankly I’ve never heard anything like it, you must start being assertive she’s trying to walk all over both of you, and your husband should be supporting you, you sound very young, your MIL has had her children this little one is yours and your partners, I would be telling her that, she needs to seriously calm down! Big red flags

It sounds as if you favour your own family. It isn't fair really but it IS normal. My grandson's step-granny makes a BIG distinction between my GS and her own grandchildren, despite claiming to treat them all equally. But certainly, if my daughter had a partner with children of his own, I wouldn't care about them as much as I do my GS.

I think really, if your DH wants your LO to spend more time with HIS mum, then he needs to facilitate it. Obviously, you have to take your husband's feelings into account as he is also your LO's parent.

But as the others have said, if you don't do anything about it, you will forever have the same problem.

You have asked for advice on this very problem some months back you were given all the same sort of advice but obviously haven’t acted on it as you are still in the same predicament asking the same question so what more can be said or done
now it’s entirely down to you or you will be back in a few months asking again No point asking if you re not going to take the advice given

I think you got a lot of good advice a few months ago?

I thought this sounded familiar. OP so much empathy, support and advice was given to you last time you posted about this same problem. Did you take anything from that advice? Did you tell your DH/OH that he has to man up and sort this out once and for all? Regrettably we on GN can't resolve this for you; your DH/OH, on the other hand, most certainly can.