A parent without parents seeking advice please

Eloethan the definition of ill health seems to be defined as having a condition that needs medication. It includes people with high blood pressure, high cholestrol, and other 'illnesses' that have few, if any symptoms and, once medication is taken have little or no effect on how they lead their lives.

There are a lot of people going into retirement with conditions like migraine, that they may have had since childhood. It seems to me that the definition of ill health is too widely drawn. it should be limited to when any medical problem starts to put some restrictions on you leading your life, causing chronic pain or difficulty moving or thinking.

I have three, and both my daughters have three.
Our third was ver much planned having had the other two when we were very young, I think we wanted a baby we could enjoy without money worries.
She was a joy, she was/is a lovely girl, her childhood was a wonderful time, but at sixteen she started making bad choices, and at thirty is back home living with us, with her three children. That is something we never bargained for!
I don’t think three is a good number, it changes the whole dynamic of the family, which with us has gone into adulthood.
Both my youngest grandchildren are adorable and much loved, but everything changes with the third, bigger house, bigger car, dragging the little one around to the older children’s activities, older ones inevitably taking some responsibility for the little one.
As for family support, you can never really depend on it anyway, you need to be really sure you can manage.

BJC88, we had four (two of each) although not exactly planned, they were welcomed - and we were very glad we did. They are all great friends and support for each other as adults.

I sought advice from friends, not family members anyway. Before I'm slated for overpopulating the planet - my brother had none!

People may live longer now but many of those additional years are often spent in ill health. This from a report by Age Concern:

"*People living longer, but not necessarily in good health*
But it is not all positive news, as less than a third of people are going to reach 65 in a healthy state, according to a discussion at the International Longevity Centre.

"Gains in life expectancy have outstripped gains in healthy life expectancy, it claims, meaning more than two thirds of people in the UK could spend their retirement years in ill-health."

Most of the older people I know (and many of them significantly younger than me) have or have had various health issues: replacement hips/knees, osteoporosis, anxiety/depression, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, obesity, type 2 diabetes, etc, etc, etc.

Most of my older relatives lived to their mid-70s. My grandma and grandpa lived to their mid/late 70's but until my grandpa got cancer he had been very fit and on no medication. I don't remember my grandma ever being ill until she had a stroke in her late 70's and died within weeks. My other granny died in her early 60's of what we think was a brain aneurism but my granddad died at the age of 97 (his son at 97 and his daughter at 99) and rode his bike well into his 80s.

The report says less than a third of people will, at the age of 65, be in good health. I think that is pretty awful. I believe the modern thinking that a regime of pills can sort everything out is misguided, but a huge bonus for drug companies. People need to eat more healthily and get more fresh air and exercise. The proliferation and marketing of processed food, people driving rather than walking, doing sedentary jobs and having sedentary pastimes has seriously affected the health of our population. Poverty and poor housing also has a major impact on health, and both are on the rise.

It's not a great deal of fun living longer if you are in constant pain or have problems with mobility.

Skydancer what makes you think old people are being kept alive artificially? Older people are healthier and fitter than all previous generations. It is now not even news if a person in their 90s live independently, does all their own shopping and looks after themselves. Many of them with only the most trivial of health problems - high blood pressure and high cholestrol, but nothing more.

My father lived until he was 92 and until the last three months was a key member of three local organisations, organising outings, keeping the books and Master of Ceremonies for all weddings and funerals at his church. His youngest sister is now in her mid-90s and living a similar life. We have neighbours well into their 90s and still hale and hearty.

I agree about the old people, M0nica. So many kept alive artificially. I know I'll soon be one but it isn't as nature intended is it.

*Skydancer, the main cause of population growth is no longer the number of children being born. About 65% of the countries in the world now have birthrates around replacement rate or even lowe.

What is causing the current growth is at the the other end of life, where more and more people are living much longer than they did. Everywhere in the world the children of the WW2 and now early Baby boomer generations are living to a greater ages.

When I was a child, to die in your 70s was considered normal and to get over 80 was commendable. Now, look in any newspaper at death announcements, or read obituaries and more and more of us are living into our 90s and the growth in the number of centenarians has gone through the roof!

Two children should be enough for anyone in this day and age. The world is overcrowded.

Thank you all so much for your replies! Feeling a little bit emotional reading them, the longing for your parents is so heightened when you have your own children, least of all for the practical support but just to share in the memories being made with your own children. Your children are so very lucky to have you!

‘I think you should stick with two until you can make the decision. .......’

Lemsip maybe you’ve hit the nail on the head . . .

I had originally planned to have four so that they would have each other if I also passed away young like my parents (a bit morbid sorry), that and I do love motherhood and a bustling home, but my first son has such a strong and at times domineering personality that I worry it might be a case of the squeaky wheel with three and my second very laid back son would be worse off for it.

My husband is very much onboard, he thinks 3 is the magic number, but like I say works a lot so would not wear the brunt of the day to day work.

We moved country just days after giving birth to my second and at the start of the first lockdown and I have definitely had more moments then I am happy to admit where I wasn’t the mother I had hoped to be.
Both sons are terrible sleepers and for the first year and a bit I wasn’t very present due to my head being in a fog. Another child would mean at least another year of this, another year that I would miss out on with my older two. But then I look at them and how precious they are and think, ‘just one more, go on, dig deep, you’ll survive the early days, just one more.’

Your advice and own experiences have really given me plenty to chew on, thank you. Also plenty of reminders of all I have to be grateful for no matter my decision, thank you so much.

Only you can answer this.
Listen to our experiences of course, but if you are maternal do it, if career minded don’t.
I have three I’m absolutely maternal and adore them. All now successful career people in their own rights. I’m left wondering should I have thought more of myself as now unless they get a move on I won’t see any grandchildren ?

Without being morbid you will, at least not find yourself in a situation where you are having to look after young children and having the worry of parents that are getting old and infirm. Maybe I was unusual in that my parents were quite old when I was born but there were a few years when I seemed to be juggling looking after my children and having to be prepared to drop everything at short notice to drive to another town. And then my husbands father became ill, too.

I have 4 and regret none of them. Each one has enriched my life. My husband worked long hours and weekends and didn't have much help from family but each child was a blessing and hard work too but I am so glad I have them.
They are all grown up now and have been such a comfort to me since my husband died.
If you want more children then have them. Very few regret it.

I think the maternal instinct is very difficult to ignore it was for me. I was desperate for a child I was 31 when I had my son. I had a miscarriage my marriage was a mess but I wanted another child. Even though the circumstances were totally wrong I had my daughter. I brought mine up on my own as I was getting divorced.
I eventually remarried but had no more children. I love my son and daughter and I am so proud of them I have no regrets.
I think you have already made up your mind to have a third child I wish you well for the future.

I've only got two, one if each, but would have liked more. I'd say go for it!

Have three if that’s what you want. And stop worrying about it. All the best!

I don't think it's something that anyone else can advice you on as it depends on your personal circumstances. I had two daughters but with a huge gap, for me it worked as I was able to work but still give my daughters the individual attention that I wanted to give them. They were both sporty, in school and county teams and I was able to give them both support and as they both got older, the financial commitment was no problem. Older children can be very expensive and equally time consuming as younger ones.

I considered having a third but didn’t mainly for financial and practical reasons. It’s hard to fit 3 car seats in a car for example. And holidays are often designed for 4, e.g. holiday lets are often a double and a twin. And of course kids are expensive and while hand me downs can survive 2 I’d doubt they’d go to 3 so new stuff often needed. But, having said all that, now my two are 30+ I wish I’d have had more and thrown sensible-ness to the wind. ?

I have three sons and never regretted having the third for a minute. I had the third after a gap of several years, hoping for a girl. I was delighted with my third boy though. I never had much help when they were growing up. The youngest two had medical problems, now thankfully fully resolved, and it did put a strain on our marriage. Its impossible to say what life would have been like if we had stopped at two children but I will never regret my third beautiful son. All three are good friends now they are grown up.

Just a thought-shouldn’t we be trying to keep the population down? (Ducks behind wall)

We have three , eldest were 7 and 9 when baby three arrived. Not a mistake , although it would have been a very happy mistake! First two have only 21 months between them , so were of course in school when our third arrived. We had moved some distance from my Mum when number three arrived , so no help from Grandma. I was fortunate to be able to be at home with my children when they were under 5 years.
Having number three a bit later was good, elder two in school made baby care easy! It was hectic with first two !!! They are all on good terms - most of the time !
Having a third child is a big decision and one only you and your husband can make . You are a loving Mum and will remain so whether you have number three or not. Be very sure you really want another baby , but if you go for it he/she will be loved . However it is another child to focus on , and children do present us with a certain amount of worry that never goes away . Well worth the worry though !!! To answer your question our lives were enriched by the arrival of our third child.

Having always been career orientated, I had two children and left it at that.

I had 9 years between children and enjoyed both very much I just got sick of folks saying after the first one “when are you having a second one to chum the first one”. I just said we’ll have another when we feel like it, it’s our business and no one else’s. Only have another child if you feel it’s right for you and no one else need interfere or advise. Good luck in your quest for appropriate advice have a third child if you feel it’s right for you and your DH it’s no one else’s business

My friend’s daughter had two boys and decided to try for a girl.
She got twin girls……..

I would most definitely stay with two, you must really want a another child to go ahead.

I think you should stick with two until you can make the decision. .......