Cremation that no-one attends

DH and I want to be buried-didn’t know you could have direct burials?

I want all the pomp and glory at my finale but my husband doesn't want anything. However, I do think that one way or another we will celebrate his life. If not a funeral then a memorial event so we can remember him together. Funerals are really for those left behind.

These adverts annoy me. Relentless plugging all day long during every ad break. My husband wondered if the funeral/cremation businesses are short of custom! I turn the sound off now especially when Debbie McGee comes on. This brainwashing seems to be working. Funerals and cremations are for the living. A chance to say goodbye and give the loved one a send off. This is good and necessary for those left behind, hard though is. It is not necessary to spend a fortune. I've noticed a lot of older people who I know, get very curmudgeonly about this topic especially when they get disillusioned with life. My mother has a funeral plan, so everything is paid for. Her only stipulation - no eulogy, just thanks to everyone who has helped her during her life.

Totally agree. Rosie51.

I have arranged for my body to be donated for medical research. The university I go to will arrange a memorial service for those who have donated their bodies.

I am erring towards being ‘sent away’ to be cremated and the family can have a ‘celebration of my life’ gathering if they wish. Why spend a considerable amount of money having a service and creamation?

I think you would call this cutting out the undertaker and not wanting your family to pay their exorbitant fees. You can arrange your own service and wake afterwards which would be much cheaper. A good idea methinks.

i have paid a company to do this, they collect the body, they cremate it and return the ashes to whoever you nominate. so no mourners, no service. I have paid for it so no expense for my children, also the ones that live quite a distance away do not have to worry about getting down for the funeral. I have told mine that when they get the ashes they can spend the money that would have paid for a funeral on maybe hiring a hall and having a get together or not as they feel. also cost was less than half of a normal cremation.

We had a church service for my dad but he went to the crematorium afterwards with just the undertaker and the minister, as was his wish. He hated the places and didn’t want anyone else to have to go!

My mum chose to have a direct cremation and made sure all her family and friends knew about it. She said that instead of spending all that money on a funeral she wanted us to have a party (mum loved a party) . So thats what we did ! In fact we had two , one in England and one in her native Scotland. It was strange but rather lovely and most important what she wanted

I don’t particularly want a funeral. None of my friends live near me and family are scattered throughout the country, so it would be an expense in time and money for them to attend.

My husband didn't want any kind of funeral service and had a direct cremation. The funeral director informed of the time his coffin would be taken to the crematorium and was at great pains to reassure me that the utmost respect would be shown. At that time we, his close family went off to the woods with the dogs and said goodbye there. We later had a day for all family and friends to gather to celebrate his life. It felt right for us, I scattered his ashes by myself with the dogs amongst his beloved trees.

Rosie51

My feeling is that funerals are for the living, not the dead. While I'd always respect and uphold the type of funeral someone had personally wanted, I would hope they would give some thought to the impact it might make on those left behind. For many, the grieving process could be hampered by the lack of any "marking" of the dead person's life.

My thoughts exactly!

Yes my late MIL wanted this. We all just went to the pub for a wake. She specified nobody was to go to the cremation. Seemed a bit strange but was ok

I'm really glad that I had a conversation about this with my daughter. I have just turned 62 and she is 42, neither of us is particularly religious, so I was thinking in terms of direct cremation. However, when I told her, she was horrified, she said that she really wanted me to be buried so that she could have somewhere to go and 'visit me'. I totally understood that, as my own Mum changed her mind after we had my Dad buried. She saw how often I visited and tended his grave, and when I told her I hoped that she would change her mind about cremation, and be buried in with Dad so that I could visit them both, she realised that the visits to Dad's grave had been very cathartic for me, so agreed to be buried. I'm so glad she did, and I continued to visit until I was no longer physically able (I am disabled). Needless to say, unless my daughter says otherwise in the interim, I will go with her wishes, as she will be the one left behind, and if being able to 'visit me' gives her as much solace as it did me with my own parents, then I shall be happy.

My Uncle was a Catholic and so we had a requiem mass in Latin for him and all the family attended then he was taken off to be cremated … no family. We all went back to my Aunt’s house for lunch and the undertaker brought his ashes round about 3 hours later and we popped across the road and buried his ashes in the C of E church. This was what he requested as he liked the view from the churchyard there! I was very impressed that it was all done on the same day.

I've just been reading up on burial at sea after seeing that the Royal Navy had been out on such a trip recently. It's a bit of a rigmarole but there are about a dozen done each year. The family usually stay on the quayside.
Scattering ashes at sea is a much more popular option.

That’s us too - but survivor keeps t’others ashes until they expire. Then our sons will scatter us both together somewhere special to us.*
Special instructions - take a bottle of champagne and some smoked salmon for celebratory picnic.
* Bank of the River Exe below Tarr Steps would be perfect.

Yes, my neighbours husband passed away a couple of years ago, he specified the same. He requested that at the time of the funeral the family were to sit chatting at the kitchen table with glasses of red wine. It is a celebration of life however it is done and it is what you do for people when they are here that matters.

A very close family friend had very similar wishes. She wanted her brain to be donated to medical science which the family did. This lady had a party a couple of years before her death along the lines of This is your Life” where her close family and friends celebrated her life thus far. When she died she had a simple cremation and I believe her family will all gather to scatter her ashes once Covid makes things easier.

Great idea. A big party, for family and friends at some point, with music to celebrate my life. Definitely no black to be worn.

we had this for both of my inlaws. nobody attended but we ( as in close family) went out for a meal whilst the burning was in progress. This was the chosen method as we all remembered the distress of my inlaws when my brother in law died at the age of 34. My FIL tried to climb on the conveyor after the coffin. NOBODY wanted to see that again. Funerals can be so distressing for those that are close so hubbie and I have also chosen to have no service. A full funeral may suit others but not us. My cousin died recently without warning and his funeral must have cost about £20k . His wife is still in shock and knowhere near the death so please don't tell me that a service helps people come to terms with the loss of a dearly beloved. Personally I think the money could be used elsehwere .

i thought if you donated the body to medical research that the remains were returned for disposal by the family. is this not the case?

My husband chose this method and I have also. The family can do as they please with the ashes.

kjmpde

i thought if you donated the body to medical research that the remains were returned for disposal by the family. is this not the case?

I think it’s optional and you are asked your preference in advance.