Grandchild behaviour

Callistemon, like you I was always pleased with the compliments about my son’s behaviour, at his grandparents’, at friends’ houses and at school. Some of his school friends were real little horrors though! I agree that devices are addictive and whilst children need to know how to engage with technology there has to be a balance. I get the impression that this girl gets lots of praise for being bright and getting good school reports, and that’s absolutely right, but that that may have gone to her head and things have got to the stage where she is, as you say, acting as the adult in this scenario. The longer she’s allowed to do this with no consequences such as the WiFi being turned off or treats being withheld, the more she will gain the upper hand, which will do her no favours in life. My son was very bright, did well at school and uni and was of course much praised, and he is now a partner in a top international law firm, but he has always been respectful of others and thus has many friends - I didn’t have to instil respect in him but I think this is needed with OP’s grandchild or she will really suffer in life. If she behaves like this with friends they won’t stay friends for long. More one to one games and activities and less screen time may be a good start towards building a more balanced and respectful relationship.

We can't override the parent's way of doing things. I know this as we had our grandson 3 nights and who is not into books anymore (he's only 4) and the ipad has taken over. It's so impersonal. Nothing beats a snuggle up with a book. I also saw on BBC this week that too much ipad is causing eyesight problems in kids. No matter what we did to encourage reading a book he was adamant he didn't want to read a book together. There are other issues going on all we can do is show him our way when he comes here but his mother has her way of doing things.

There are a lot of people responding who don't seem to realise that devices have overtaken books, TV etc in what children do in their spare time

I think people DO realise that That! That fact does not mean that the rudeness and inappropriate behaviour should not be challenged appropriately!

I have three of my grandchildren living with us, so these problems are a daily occurrence for me.
The oldest is practically joined to her phone, she can’t be anywhere without checking it, she can’t even watch television without it. But she’s not ever rude, and
If we’re out and about she tends to forget about it.
The middle one is the biggest problem, a gorgeous happy little boy can fly into a rage if anyone tries to separate him from his iPad, my daughter regularly takes it away for a week, but when he’s at his dads, he just uses it for 24 hours, they never leave the house.
I accept that things have moved on a lot, my children would have been outside playing all the summer holidays, but the YouTube rubbish he watches is awful,
The only hair brushing issues are with the toddler, and as long as it’s out of her face I don’t stress too much.

Just got in. So she is 9. I can understand better now. There are a lot of people responding who don't seem to realise that devices have overtaken books, TV etc in what children do in their spare time. DGS1 is 7 so slightly younger and not a girl. He would be on devices all day if he was allowed. He is not. What works are timers - on the device, Alexa or an actual timer for cooking. He has worked out how to switch off the timer on his device though - children now know more than grandparents about things like this. However when the timer rings he might grumble but abides by the rules. We then carry on with the next activity - not hair or teeth etc as that is a fundamental expectation of getting up and dressed. He is too young to roll eyes but I expect that will come. 9 in a girl now is pre-pubescent so you may experience more hormonal changes. DGD is 4 - her "screen" is TV with Peter Rabbit and Doc McMuffins? the favourites. She will have a big fuss and sometimes tantrum when it stops but soon stops when we are all ready to go out and 'leave her' and she is not ready. Both of them are very very articulate and will argue the hind leg off a donkey already and get it right! so what they will be like at 9???? However going out to the park they enjoy - football is DGS1 passion just now and DGD copies her brother in everything. I find going out with all the grands is more relaxing than anything - even in the rain and even in the snow (Scotland).

Teacheranne I really agree with you and I did this with my own 3 DD but when you are looking are your GC it is a different matter. One daughter’s children are brought up to respect you but another daughter’s children have been brought up to be assertive, to question my actions and speech. I don’t argue with the way she educates them but I find it is very so, so tiring. Also anything to keep the peace as I do wish to continue seeing them and just hope in twenty years time they will have grown into lovely people as Mamma66 hers did.

What does she have to play with at your house ethel?

We have a 9 year old who spends all her time doing gym moves and acrobatics, baking with me and playing happily on her own when she's here, but also a DGS who likes to spend time on Minecraft.
Other DGC will do both.

If someone threatened to take my device away or switched off the internet, I’d be most unhappy! Today’s children are digital natives - it’s the 21st century! They’ve grown up with electronic devices. Why do some adults continue to think that such devices are ‘a bad influence’? Would you feel similarly aggrieved if your GD constantly had her nose in a book - or would that be deemed ‘more acceptable’. We, the older generation, need to stop viewing the world of a 9 year old through the eyes of a 69 year old. Stop with the rules and regulations!

OP. Neither I, nor anyone else I suspect, is an expert but if it was my granddaughter I wouldn’t bother if her hair needed brushing or not, I would make a plan for each day she comes over I would say, ok GD at 11 we are off out so make the most of your phone/tablet until then. If you can’t get out with her, just let her be, she is on holiday and it’s just 1 day a week, she won’t come to any harm having a day of TV or Tablet. Good luck❤️

She is almost always on a device and I get told to wait a bit till she's finished

It's addictive and can cause so many problems now.

Germanshepherdsmum

I don’t have grandchildren. My son didn’t behave like this as a child though. I couldn’t imagine loving a child who behaved like this towards me.

I bet he was perfect at home!
The converse is often true, though.
I've noticed that it's often the case that children who are perfect at home are absolute insolent little horrors when at someone else's house.

I was happy if other people said my children were well behaved.

However, etheltbags you have to remember who is the adult and not let your DGD take charge. It can be done without getting cross.

while i understand the theory behind it, i don't think many parents/GPs would dare not present food to a child, esp when eating themselves.
they would be worried about being accused of neglect.
many children have childline on speed-dial, and threaten to report their carers for the slightest thing.
it may sound ridiculous, but it can be a real worry.

This isn’t assertiveness. It’s disrespectful and rude. Imagine if she behaves like this in future : at interviews, at work, dealing with colleagues or customers. Define the situation for her, let her know the standard of behaviour you expect from her AND what she can expect if you’re not happy with how she treats you and others. Once she understands , then you can both start enjoying each other and having more fun. Good luck! X

My nephew is the most lovely young man. He is 23 now. He was lovely until he was about 4 and then went through a phase and was frankly vile until he was about 9 or 10. Someone taught me all about positive reinforcement and so the smallest good behaviour was praised and the not so good overlooked (where appropriate). I also used to call him “my lovely boy” and still do to this day. I cannot tell you what a difference it made. He basked in the positive attention. His parents were calm, consistent and loved him no matter what. I would like to think that all of us together influenced the smashing young man he has become. It might not work for every child but it definitely did for him. Good luck with your Granddaughter

When I was a new grandparent and looking after one or two of my grandchildren I created games and activities and made sure the days were fun and happy for all. The second lot came along and I started driving them to play activities and paying to ensure a bit of peace. The third lot I just let them play on their phones or Xbox all day and place a sandwich next to them at intervals.
My advice would be to back off and just get through the summer. As the grandchild grows the relationship will change anyway. Your job is to just keep the child safe until you hand her back. My lot range in age from 28 down to 9. I expect the 9 year old might roll his eyes if I placed a demand on him like a conversation or anything beyond his phone really.

Give her warning. Say "In 5 minutes I want you to switch it off to..." It's reasonable to give warning rather than to expect instant cooperation.

I dont think anyone has mentioned how addictive computer games are and how hard it is to stop playing them. My grandson loves to go on my ipad and play games etc. I sometimes say its not charged or put it out of sight.
Also my granddaughter hated anyone doing her hair which was frequently uncombed/unbrushed

Ok so for a 9 year old strategies might be:

1. Ignore the hair apart from making a hairbrush available and saying: "here's a hairbrush, in case you want to brush your hair"" No further comment, leave the brush available

2. if you ask her to do something (make sure it is worth asking for, is hair worth it??) say:
- "** needs doing because **. When you have finished that game, please do it"
- If she ignores that when the game finishes say "** needs doing because***. I asked you to do that when you had finished your game. You ignored my perfectly reasonable request. Please do it when you finish this next game. If you ignore me again, I will remove your device until it is done"
- if she ignores again, remove the device; refuse to join in discussion; just keep repeating "** needs doing because. Please do it! When you have done it you can play on your device again!" Repeat, repeat, repeat. Do not engage in discussion, justification, responses to "clever arguments!

- if she rolls her eyes, mimics you etc say "That is rude and very hurtful. I will NOT put up with that rudeness and unkindness." Then walk away. When she asks you for something/needs something say "I told you I will not put up with that rudeness and unkindness. I feel very hurt." Walk away!

Alternatively say" That is very rude and hurtful. I will not out up with that. I am removing your device until you show me you can behave properly!" And do it. Then repeat, repeat, repeat, do not engage in argument!

You could quietly get yourself some lunch, not get her any then when she asks why say "You were very rude and hurtful to me. I got myself some lunch to cheer myself up a bit! I didn't ask if you wanted any as I didn't want to be treated so unfairly again!"

The point with all this is her getting consequences for her rudeness. She is treating you like a doormat and needs to see that you are not one. Also, don't threaten her with "Mum and Dad". You have to deal with this in order to develop her understanding of her relationship with YOU.

Good luck

She’s nine.

How old is she.?....

People saying children will only do what they want to. How do you think teachers keep control?
As has been repeated by lots of people don't threaten something you can't or won't carry out. Give her a reason for what you are asking and don't listen to her counterargument.
If she won't come off her tablet tell her you are going to switch it off and do so. It might take a lot of repetition but she should eventually learn that what you say is what you mean.
Ask her parents what they do in the same circumstances when she is not there and what they will allow. In that way, you are not telling tales or complaining about their strategies.
Make it clear to them that if you are in control alone she will have to listen to you. The onus is then on them to make her understand she has to respect you and what you saywhen you are in charge.

I would not tolerate this conduct. The trouble with children today is parents give in to them and they have no boundaries.

It's standard behaviour nowadays when kids are using electronics. With you considering her behaviour to be disrespectful when you ask her to stop you have to inform her parents about her behaviour. Otherwise you have to accept and live with it. Your is not alone.

Germanshepherdsmum

Blondiescot some people on here don’t have children, let alone grandchildren. It isn’t a prerequisite for joining you know. And think twice before posting something like that - not having children or grandchildren isn’t necessarily a matter of choice.

Well pardon my ignorance! I genuinely thought gransnet was a forum for grandparents.

Clear rules, backed up with appropriate actions if broken are probably needed. It's easier said than done and sometimes needs a lot of energy to carry through!
Why not tell her before she comes next time, that she will not be allowed her device all day ( this will be easier if it's in line with what her parents do). Maybe say she can go on her device till 11am and then you're going to do something different. Give her a timer or a 5 minute warning, so that she shouldn't get cut off half way through a game. Getting outside or playing a board game would be good options. Give her a limited choice of things perhaps.
She may be old enough to have a discussion/ do online research together about the advantages and disadvantages of TV/computer/phone use. If you can get her to agree that unlimited screen time is bad for her, that will be even better.
If not having her over for a while is not an option ( I assume parents are at work and need you to help), would the parents agree to sending her without the device next time if she won't budge on this, so that she knows you mean business and she cannot just ignore what her granny asks her to do?
Good luck - you are not the only parent/grandparent with this problem!