Do I stop contact with my adopted brother

Why “upset the Apple cart “ ? Why not just carry on as before?

That meant to say sadly my brother's lovely wife passed away too which I do understand was awful for him and my nephew. It was cancer of the Esophagus

I forgot to say .. the main part .I never hear from him ever

I think if it means a lot to you then keep up with a newsy Christmas card, but lower your expectations of any further contact.
Most men don’t do letters or cards and it sounds as though the new GF knows your history with your family and isn’t going to keep in touch with you either.

I used to organise all the cards, presents, & phone calls/visits for my immediate family, and now for just DH and my dil does the same for her family.

I doubt I would hear much from ds1 if dil wasn’t nudging him to call, send cards etc.

I wouldn’t see lack of brothers correspondence to be a lack of love. I’d maybe steer clear of any expectations of an emotionally deep connection with him.

I’m sorry you have been through the wringer with your and your d’s health and your home life. I hope things become more peaceful for you.

Thank you Dilly the gardener x

I don't think you need to seek approval of anyone 'approving', loving and living with yourself is most important. You have come to terms with your past and like who you are. Don't seek your brothers approval any more you don't need it.
Make the effort if you want and leave it if you feel things have changed since his wife died.
He might make the effort or he might not. Don't let this drain you concentrate on your self and your own family.

I think even the best of families drift when partners or families are involved. I wouldn’t stress over the past just keep sending Christmas birthday cards etc. That will clear your mind you did the right thing even if your brother doesn’t.

You're doing what your mum asked of you, and keeping in touch Neen, with a newsy letter 2 or 3 times a year so just keep on with what you're doing.

How much do you “need” him in your life? I’d let it go. You sound lovely and every time you write & expect or hope for a response you’re getting hurt.
Stop putting your head over the parapet.

Interesting that you use the word adopted.
My husband would never refer to his sister as his adopted sister.

You sound really wonderful . You've openly admitted the bad times you had but now things sound good . Keep sending the cards to those boys , keep remembering them . I think they might need a warm , caring card from time to time ? x

I am distant with bothe my brother and sister . My sister an I just send flowers to each other at birthday and Christmas which is something we both did for my mum so I think that’s why that’s carrying on but really just an email acknowledging arrival beyond that . I put it down to our spouses being very different I imagine that’s the case with a lot of siblings who drift apart. But I do have a very slight WhatsApp relationship with my brother where we chat about say the olympics holidays and sport and how out adult children are doing which is nice . Just a few sentences here and there but very welcome. Do you think your brother would do that . I have found it quite enjoyable over the lockdown in fact my own sone have been surprised when I’ve been up to date with their uncle after so long ! I think it’s partly because it’s a direct contact brother to sister no spouses involved!

A couple of things from your post stood out to me. Is this just about your brother not responding or is this about how much his and his family's lack of response to you hurts?

As others have said Men more often than not think it's the women's job to keep contact/correspondence going and therefore they can be neglectful. That's sad, it's wrong, it hurts but can be how they are. Is your brother and his family in this mould? If so make your choice about how you go forward in ways that don't leave you feeling hurt and ignored. Then address the question of your promise.

At your Mum's request, you promised to keep in touch with your brother. You have done your best to keep that promise.

So here's my first question - Are you trying to figure out if you can Let Go of Your Promise ?

If that is the emotional concern you are struggling with may be your way forward is to ask yourself some questions.

Such as, would your Mum have asked you to keep your promise even when contact came From you To your brother was NOT returned and therefore caused you hurt?

I'm not sure many people would ask a loved one to keep a promise if doing so would continually hurt the loved one. Would your Mum have asked you to keep being hurt? I wouldn't have thought so but she was your Mum and you knew her. (I don't think she would have knowingly put you in a painful situation)

The questions are :- Are you keeping the contact going Only because of your promise?

Or YOU Need to have contact with your brother ?

If you are Only keeping the promise you made I think you can find ways to give Yourself Permission to let go of the promise and stop the pain his lack of response causes you. See above.

If, however, this is about Your Need for His approval/recognition of your being one of his loved ones is what is the real cause of your distress, that's a lot harder to deal with.

If this you trying to Take Care of that part of you that wants to still BELONG, to still have a connection to your Childhood Family and he and his family are not engaging with you that may be where your hurt is coming from.

If your keeping contact is more about a need for Family and Belonging then I would suggest you find some counselling/therapy. That situation is painful and not easily managed alone, get help and support to work through IF that is the bigger issue you are dealing with.

He is from what you say all that you have left of your Childhood family and you have had a number of losses. Have you had any Bereavement Counselling?

If your hurt is coming more from that feeling of loss and not being part of a family have a look at Adult Orphan and other resources on the net.

I had an awful few moths of dealing with being an Adult Orphan when my adopted Mum died even though I had a younger sister and adopted brothers, a husband and 2 daughters. Fortunately I had some good people around and I already knew about the Adult Orphan concept.

I hope you find a way though your situation. While you are dealing with whatever the cause please take extra care of yourself. Be as gentle with yourself as would your child if they were dealing with this. Best os Luck

Sago

Interesting that you use the word adopted.
My husband would never refer to his sister as his adopted sister.

I think both children were adopted Sago shouldn't make a difference but in reality it does.
I would just keep on as you are doing Neen, I don't think siblings always remain in each others lives to a great extent but always nice to keep in touch.

I think this contact with your brother and his girlfriend takes you back to how you used to be. You've moved on from that and they haven't, or don't acknowledge it, so the relationship is hurtful for you. I agree with another poster that your mother wouldn't have wanted that. However, you could send a very friendly card at Christmas with a bit of news and write to them if necessary with any important details such as changes of address, and keep in touch with your nephew as you do now. If birthdays are important to you/them then send a birthday card too. Then you are doing all you need to do to keep any pangs of conscience at bay and keeping your promise to your mum while protecting yourself.

do you get a thank you from your nephew for money gifts.
if he's living in Geneva, he's probably got more money than you have.
i don't think you need to send money gifts to adult relatives.

Yes I can see why your husband wouldn't. Every one has story behind why they do things and it's ok if someone doesn't get them, it's not their journey to understand.

Thank you everyone . I really appreciate it.
I think it's given me great room for thought.
It does take me back by writing that's for sure as in emotional stuff of the past, but also maybe I could just lesson the contact to cards at birthdays and Christmas and no letters unless I feel like writing one.
I did get a thank you from my nephew at my dad's funeral for any past monies but not usually, as I don't do social media like face book and my nephew doesn't ring or text but he does live in Geneva.
It's nice to air thoughts sometimes because now I feel it's a choice not a duty and come Christmas will be my first card without a letter .

Allsortsofbags thank you very much.
Sorry I'm newish and not sure how to hi light names. I simply pressed reply.

Your brother and nephew are not into you.

Your brother clearly does not reciprocate the contact and your wish for a relationship

I wonder why you expected him to send you cards and show interest when you and your daughter went through cancer (I am so sorry about that)

Drop the rope. You tried, didnt work.

I think Allssortsofbags has said it well Neen .
You have done well and don't need approval. Sorry about what you and your daughter have been through with cancer

If you look below "post messsage" you will find how to do bold text etc.