I am heartbroken. My daughter moved out of State today with our granddaughter

I would think they were too scared to tell you - hence the note.

I think they've been very immature in the way they let you know. And your son-in-law leaving without a thank you or a goodbye is just bad manners.
I hope your daughter and granddaughter said thank you for everything and see you soon when they left?

I think you and your husband have every right to feel annoyed and upset about how they've handled the whole situation.
What you do about it though is another matter.
I'm of the "least said soonest mended" school of thought, rightly or wrongly. It's happened. You can't change it. They'll never agree they did anything wrong and if you complain it'll make you sound needy.
Onwards and upwards Howtofindhope ?

I'd tell them gently that you were really hurt by the way they told you and the way your son in law left without a word of acknowledgement. You don't need to make a big deal of it but I think it is best not to pretend everything is okay when it isn't. You can still wish them well and tell them you hope for a great relationship going forward, but also make a space for your own feelings to be recognised.

This case reminds me of when a person breaks up with a partner in a restaurant.

I think it was unfair to drop this on you at a gathering of other people too. How far away are they? I hope you manage to come to terms with the separation soon.

This must have been a terrible shock for you. They should have prepared you more kindly. You must have formed such a strong bond with your GD , I can understand your distress.

Bluebelle's responses always seem so well thought out.
I'm just shocked that after living with you for 4 years with the intention of saving to buy their own place that there has been no discussion over that time about how close they were to achieving that. Surely they must have been to view properties and yet they didn't mention it, is that right. Usually, well going by my kids they would have been full of it and discussed every step of the move. I do find it odd that they have just sprung it on you, why do you think they'd do that ?

Have they invited you to visit them OP? Have you made plans to go down and see them yet? How far away are they?
You can keep in touch with your beloved GD via Skype or FB. We do this with our GC in New Zealand every week. At least you won't be restricted from visiting and will be able to get there easily enough.
As others have said, plaster a smile on and start planning for the future

Howtofindhope try not to look for reasons to be angry with them, it won't help you at all.

I don't think it would matter how they told you, it would have hurt anyway.

I'm afraid they aren't responsible for your feelings, this is something you need to manage for yourself.

It is time for them to live their own life and for you to live yours.

Fill it with things you enjoy

It’s very early days but it’s up to you how you handle it, you can pull your big girls pants up, plaster a smile on your face, and get used to it or you can wallow and wallow and make everyone unhappy

The wise mother helps her chicks leave the nest safely not pull them back in

OP,

Let me ask you, how would you have preferred to be informed?

I disagree they are immature.
They must have put some thought in minimizing the impact it would have on you - that shows they care.

The result is still the same - they have decided to have a home of their own.

It was going to happen sooner rather than later.

I posted their age incorrectly they are both 26. I agree that is not young. I believe they were both immature the way it was handled. Of course their happiness is top priority no matter our feelings. But it doesn’t take away the sting. Our house feels so lonely and it’s quiet. I walk by the parks in the morning where we took our granddaughter a lot and the tears start and I feel like I can’t breathe. It feels like this heartache will never go away.

I don't think they could face telling you in the manner you'd have preferred as they knew how upset you would be. My daughter's boyfriend has just made a film called 'An Irish Goodbye' - it is a phrase used when someone leaves a party abruptly without saying goodbye.

It is fantastic you have helped them get onto the property ladder, I wish them luck and hope you can fill the space they've left in your life with good things.

HowToFindHope, as BlueBelle implied, your daughter well knew this would be shocking for you. This is quite a good sign as it shows that your daughter understands your feelings.
This is a big loss for you and we all hear your distress.

OP

Maybe your dd and sil told you they were moving out this way because they thought you would react less than favorably to the idea?

You also said sil left w/o a goodbye, what may have happened - any conflict, disagreements, etc?

Agree with BlueBelle & MayBeMaw be happy for your family and be glad they are moving on with their lives. You have helped them when they needed it so time now for you and your husband to enjoy your lives.

I understand your sadness, but 26 and 29 are not all that young and “out of State” is not emigrating to a distant land.
The chicks have to leave the nest and it is far better to smile and wish them well in your heart as well as openly than to have an atmosphere of resentment.
You say they were saving to buy their house so must have known they would move out some time but perhaps preferred not to think of that day?
You must rebuild your own life, pin a smile on, be glad for them and look forward to happier times visiting them in the future.
(And it is their dog! )

26 and 29 - it is not that young

Grammaretto
Yes, they are young my daughter is 26 and her husband is 29.

All of your advice is so helpful you have no idea how much I appreciate the responses. I am working today and trying to hold it together in my office. Tears rolling down my cheeks. I want to hide. I really hope this gets easier. Can you all write me everyday!? You have been great therapy for me!

Are they very young, your DD and her spouse?
It does sound thoughtless - no thanks and taking the dog like that. I would be very miffed.
How far away is it? At least it's in the same country so you won't need passports and visas to see them.
Time to enter the next phase of your lives.

I think your daughter used that written fun method to take the heat off, because she knew you would not deal with the situation, would be heart broken, and probably try to stop them or even start crying

The story has now changed a bit that it s now not about them moving away so much but about them not thanking you and disrespecting you, which I totally agree with isn’t good at all of course your son in law should have thanked you, but we don’t know what the relationship has been, or maybe they feel the need to escape quickly, before you tried to talk them out of it Maybe they ll be sending you a big thank you present when they get settled there
Re the dog if it’s your daughters dog then she presumably has asked her husband to take it, again maybe he took it quickly knowing you would not deal with seeing it go very easily
I m sure you and your husband have been wonderful parents and done all you can, maybe even too much
I m sorry this has upset you so much did you have no idea it was on the books , and I m also glad you have a lovely husband, you are so lucky, now you can concentrate on him perhaps if you look in hindsight maybe you’ve done too much, made them the centre of your life and that is why you both have fell so very hard.
Won’t you visit ? It’s the next state not overseas
I hope you and your husband start doing some fun things together and don’t let this dominate your life
Pull yourself up and start thinking about a visit

NotSpaghetti

The note sounds like a possible "last resort" to a parent who doesn't want to hear the gentler language that preceded it. I can definitely see this happening and urge you to think back and try to feel less upset about it.

"It's time for us to move on" and "there are good jobs in ×× that we are looking at", "we think the climate is good in xx and are considering a move there" "the houses are expensive in xx but it has good schools"
...these are the gentle introductions that you may have chosen to ignore. Maybe you have said "oh let's not discuss this now while we're having dinner" or "I think the weather in xx is not as nice as here".

I do feel for you (two of my adult children left the UK, one to the USA) so trust me this comes from a place of understanding - but try to be grateful for the special everyday time you have had with them and that you have given them the wings to fly.

I'm not saying that this is what happened, or minimising the pain, but you reminded me of a friend who eventually had to sit down and write to her parents to tell them about her divorce. Every time she tried to tell them they just found ways of not listening.

Mmmm....that sounds like they really didn’t know how to tackle it, and have ended up making it worse.

I can see why you would be so upset. I would be. They’ve tried to make it less of an impact , but in so doing, have made themselves look ungrateful.

Not really sure what you can do. I would be tempted to say how this has upset you, and that you would never have expected them to live with you forever, but would have liked their departure to have been different.

All you can do is rise above it all. Put your energies into your son and fiancée. Perhaps don’t ask them to move in with you!

I wish you well.

I'm guessing your daughter was trying to tell you in a "cute" way Howtofindhope.

Have you let them know how you feel about it all?

It might be better to let it go, they obviously didn't expect it to be a big surprise that it was coming. They might be thinking you are happy to have them all out of your hair...

What I am trying to say is, I don't think that they have meant to cause you this much hurt. I think you are looking for reasons to justify how you feel about them leaving.... But you don't need to, this is normal.

Try and look at the positive side of you can and figure out how to keep having a close relationship with a little distance between you

I should have explained the “note”. We were all at the table, my husband, daughter, SIL, my oldest child (son), his fiancée and a family friend. We all had a few drinks and were having a game night. My daughter grabbed a piece of the paper we were using and drew stick figures and circled them with an arrow pointed down to the state they were moving to. They never sat down with us before or after that incident. It’s been so hurtful. We never wanted nor expected them to stay with us but we also didn’t expect this.
When our SIL left a week ahead he never said thank you or goodbye. We weren’t looking for a pat on the back just maybe some appreciation. On top of this he took our daughters dog that has been with us since he was a puppy (long before our now SIL was in the picture). We had no idea he was taking her so we didn’t get to say goodbye to her. We all had very good times and we tried to make everything easy for them. We feel disrespected and hurt. My husband is such a good man I see how much this has effected him.