DIL here, can I get some help understanding why there’s such an expectation of “alone time?”

We have a friend who was a functional alcoholic for years and he worked as a mental health nurse. By all accounts he was a pretty good one but we had seen another side to him and just knew we would never have wanted him nursing us. He was handling medication and sensitive things , quite scary. No doubt the pressures of the job didn’t help but that is another issue.

Hithere

I would agree that a substance use disorder absolutely could affect an individual's ability to provide safe care. In this particular case, given that I don't know the individual in question, I don't want to cast aspersions on their professional abilities.

Hithere

No, I dont think functional alcoholics can provide good care of anybody.

Have to disagree with you there - as I was once a functioning alcoholic myself who held down a full time job, was able to look after my nieces and nephews (I would never even have thought about drinking while doing that.) Just realised that before they were born I was working as a carer in a children's home and there were never any problems with my drinking.because I just didn't drink while I was on duty and we were on duty sometimes for 4 days and nights in a row. I object to being seen as incapable of looking after people just because I had a problem with drinking. Please stop lumping all problem drinkers together, we are not all the same.

Functional alcoholics are addicted to alchohol. I would not knowingly choose a doctor or nurse who might be treating me while preoccupied with when they will next be able to drink or while suffering the affects of withdrawal.

I think that's rather an insensitive post to follow on from Froglady's who for the second time requested that "all problem drinkers" not be lumped together.

No that's not fair.

I was talking about choice, not individual circumstances.

No I would not choose a functional alcoholic to operate on me but then, I wouldn't know so I'm not given that choice and that is wrong imo.

Thank you VS.

You perfectly expressed what I wanted to say with my post

Fair enough, I withdraw my comments about you possibly being a bit controlling, the further information about who will be allowed to visit seems perfectly reasonable. As to the rest of your 'revelations', I am truly astonished that their employers have not noticed that your in laws are functioning alcoholics, it must be noticeable on their breath, their skin oozing the smell of whisky, and as for the driving.....well, like her or not, I would report my mother in law to the police and have them waiting on her drive to breathalise her, this is completely unacceptable and is putting other, innocent people at risk of injury and death. So, on balance, no, I would NOT permit my in laws to have sole charge of my child, in fact the only time they would be free to see their grandchild would be at my home, not in theirs which frankly sounds dreadful. You and your partner need to be united on this. Good luck, and apologies again for my previous statement made on partial evidence!!

OP, i agree with your decisions and reasoning.
but do you not feel any civic responsibility in regard to your MIL/FIL regularly drink driving.
that is potentially harmful to innocent people.
and if stopped by the police, it may affect her nursing licence.
they need to stop doing that. either get a taxi or don't go.

We had functioning alcoholics in the family. I was amazed when I found out. I never saw them drink, never saw them tipsy and they never smelt of alcohol.

I have met others since.

rafichagran

Farnorth I clearly do know the effects of third hand smoking, but why does a professional woman need to be told to have a change of clothes.
If she has showered and put on clean clothes and does not have a smoke before she visits the baby, that is enough. It is alful to tell her she must have a change of clothes after that. Pure overkill. Honestly I dont know anyone who behaves like this IRL
What the Grandmother does in her own home is her business, but she must accept the baby will not go there.

Because If MIL smokes in her house, all of her clothes will have smoke clinging to them.

So no, “clean” clothes are not enough.

If MIL was as professional as you say, especially as a nurse, she’d know this, and offer to keep “clean” clothing at their house.

It’s not uncommon for heavy smokers.

MIL here, I love my grandchildren to bits but it has never occurred to me that I would enjoy their company more without their parents who I also love to bits and want to see.
I’d enjoy spending alone time with them but it’s not especially important for me to do so.
When I was mummy there is no way I would have left my children with someone who I didn’t trust implicitly to put their needs above their own.

Grandma Showers wtf?never heard of that ,i provide childcare for five grandchildren on different days but i would not want any of them overnight.Your children your rules,never do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable regarding the well being of your children

asd123, I think that is more common in the US. I do not believe that baby showers are as common in the UK as they are here?

I think the whole baby hoopla has gotten out of control though. Pregnancy reveals, gender reveals, grandma showers, etc.

I think it is all over the top. I am a traditionalist in thinking one shower for the first baby only so new parents can get help buying things they need for the babies.

If either my mother or MIL had wanted a grandma shower I would have laughed at them. They can waste their money all they want setting up a nursery and getting gifts.

never heard of showers other than rain or in bathrooms until recently; sounds like another marketing ploy.

froglady, I appreciate that you see functional alcoholics differently than most of us, and I’m sorry you are feeling picked on.

However, most of us do not see alcoholics as safe care givers. The culture of binge drinking is so ingrained in UK culture that’s it’s shocking how it’s defended. It’s unsafe behaviour. This is not a one off now and again, according to OP it’s every day off.

In the majority of cases an alcoholic, functional or not, is an unsafe caregiver. They aren’t bad, terrible people, but they are not a consistently safe choice, which makes them unsafe.

Tellmey, keep to your plan. Protect your child. I have no doubt your MIL is a kind person who loves your child. But as you know, that’s not always enough. I do think you need to seriously consider getting in touch with police re driving drunk. Your inlaws could kill people.

grandma showers What now??? freedomfrom please, what on earth is a "grandma shower"?

Grandma shower is a baby shower for grandma.

* Summerlove* I know Grans who are smokers, they are also Grans, they shower wear clean clothes and are clean, when they visit their Grand children they dont have to change into other clothes. What nonsense. I have never heard this happening before or in RL.
The OP is not letting the child go to the Grandparents house she is not letting them have alone time. So long as the Gran does not smoke around the baby and is clean with fresh clothes I see no problems. Honestly just so over the top, and I am a passionate non smoker who hates the smell.
Glad everyone I know uses common sense.

If MIL is drinking and driving that is another story and that should be reported.

rafichagran

* Summerlove* I know Grans who are smokers, they are also Grans, they shower wear clean clothes and are clean, when they visit their Grand children they dont have to change into other clothes. What nonsense. I have never heard this happening before or in RL.
The OP is not letting the child go to the Grandparents house she is not letting them have alone time. So long as the Gran does not smoke around the baby and is clean with fresh clothes I see no problems. Honestly just so over the top, and I am a passionate non smoker who hates the smell.
Glad everyone I know uses common sense.

I suppose it just depends on if clean clothing has smoke smell clinging to it or not.

I always thought it was common sense to wash your hands before holding a baby. I was proven wrong with that by extended family - even nurses.

Common sense isn’t the same for everyone. Different people have different sensibilities for smoking. No reason to put down those who have a higher sensitivity than you do.

I used to be a smoker, I had specific over clothes with a hood I only wore outside to smoke and washed my hands afterwards. It was very much on my mind that I didn't want that stink on me or around my children and this is years ago. After many years of quiting and starting again (especially during pregnancy) I eventually won the battle.

This article explains Grandma showers well. www.huffpost.com/entry/grandparent-baby-showers_n_5988f20de4b0d7937389a2c3

Thanks for the link freedomfrom. I got as far as a game of “pin the panties on the granny”

Congrats VS! It is not easy to stop smoking