Am I in the wrong

Background information adds information we did not have in this thread and helps to see the big picture

Hithere

May I ask why you have put back ground up. I’m really confused?

Lollipoplove

Luca

I’m not sure why you have brought up a past problem. I apologise if I’m just being stupid

I didn’t !! Hithere did. She posted a link and I said I could not open it.

Lollipoplove

Your last comment has made it a bit easier to see where you are coming from.

The thing is that no matter how you say to her "if I don't get xyz from you, I will not get treatment" it will not go well for her or you at all.

You still need to simply tell your daughter and ask if she will be able to support you at all during the treatment. Then you need to accept what is offered freely.

Other than that please reach out to a cancer charity who will be able to offer additional support to you

Baggs

I will probably have to find & pay for other support.
But I really don’t want a stranger washing me. And a stranger cannot comfort you like your own flesh & blood
As I said before I’m disabled so I’m on benefits I used to have a very good job had upto 2000 employees who worked for me

I think iv phrased the question about my Dsughter wrong. I just wanted to know if she could help me.
I nursed both my parents through cancer. I thought that’s what you do. Your parents look after you so you look after them if need be.
I have done so much for my Dsughter & sil I gave him a roof to live under I supported him for over a year. I got them out of debt a couple of times I thought my Daughter would want to help me

Luca

I’m not sure why you have brought up a past problem. I apologise if I’m just being stupid

Lollipoplove

Baggs
My Sil has always been a bully. Lots of people don’t like him.
It isn’t because of anything iv said about my cancer.
I’m disabled in pain every single day. And being left out of every Christmas Birthdays Grandchildren birthdays etc. I have no other family apart from them. I would need support iv been told this by experts. It’s not fair to put that on my Daughter without her permission. And I don’t think my sil would allow her to give me the support I would need. Hence asking her

Although you have been told that you will need support, does that actually have to come from your daughter?

Yes, it might be assumed by doctors, if you have said that you have a daughter, that she be the one to do it, but I would have thought that there are many people needing treatment like yours who don't have any family either willing or able to do such a thing, so won't there be alternative forms of support available for people in that situation?

I am fortunate enough not to have faced such a situation (yet), so can't advise you, but I imagine that there will be some other Gransnetters who have undergone similar treatments without any family support, and they might be able to advise you on other possible forms of help.

OP

Is there a chance that the support you need from them is more than what they can offer?

Same with the relationship, they cannot offer what you are asking for?

Plenty of times it is not what we are asking for, but how we ask for it and our reaction to the reply.

I would start building another support net

Baggs
My Sil has always been a bully. Lots of people don’t like him.
It isn’t because of anything iv said about my cancer.
I’m disabled in pain every single day. And being left out of every Christmas Birthdays Grandchildren birthdays etc. I have no other family apart from them. I would need support iv been told this by experts. It’s not fair to put that on my Daughter without her permission. And I don’t think my sil would allow her to give me the support I would need. Hence asking her

"if I don’t tell my Daughter how I really feel how can she make a decision"

Your daughter shouldn't be having to make any decision about your medical treatment.

Please take some of the advice here about getting counselling, whether your diagnosis is serious or not.

Unfortunately you sound like my MiL. She would say things to me like - tell your DH I loved him after I have killed myself. This really used to upset me but he was so used to it he just ignored it.
You must never blackmail your children.
Remember laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.
People want to be surrounded by happy people not those who sit in the corner being miserable.

You ask "Am I in the Wrong?" and my answer to that question, based on what you have told us, is Yes.

Bagss “make you think the Dom in law has a point “ a point about what??

A point about not wanting you in on the family gatherings you say you are left out of. Perhaps he has witnessed undesirable comments (like not wanting to go on with chemo) you have said to your daughter, or perhaps she has told him.

He could easily find that kind of talk "beyond the pale" and want to protect his wife from it.

Lollipoplove

Thank you so very very much. to the caring people on here. I asked if I was in the wrong I don’t understand why people are being cruel. Bagss68 “make you think the Dom in law has a point “ a point about what??
if I don’t tell my Dsughter how I really feel how can she make a decision. I am very depressed even before the mammograms scans biopsy’s because her husband leaves me out of all family get together s. He goes out of his way to hurt me. I’m disabled im in pain every single day. I’m unable to work. I used to work I loved working I had upto 2000 employees working for me. But now friends are few I’m unable to go out & enjoy myself or meet a partner so what’s the point in carry on living when I haven’t much to live for. I hope you understand my situation somewhat more x

Do you truly only want a relationship with your daughter based on guilt and her fear of you not helping yourself stay alive?

I certainly wouldn’t.

It’s not your daughters job to be the one to keep you alive. You must do that for yourself and not put that pressure on her.

I can say I hope that you have a good outcome.

However, if anyone tried to blame me for their choosing not to have treatment, we would not have a relationship post treatment, if not before.

Please look for outside support. A psychologist could really help you.

freedomfromthepast

"if I don’t tell my Dsughter how I really feel how can she make a decision"

I am sorry that you are going through so much, but you are asking your daughter to choose between you and her husband. That is wrong. You are making her and her alone responsible for your mental health and life. The only person who should be responsible for that is you.

I hope you are able to find a doctor and a therapist who can help you with your mental health so you can make decisions for yourself and your health.

Try visiting the link that Grammaretto offered or give your doctors office a call and ask for recommendations.

please hear this Lollipoplove

You really need to take care of yourself

"if I don’t tell my Dsughter how I really feel how can she make a decision"

I am sorry that you are going through so much, but you are asking your daughter to choose between you and her husband. That is wrong. You are making her and her alone responsible for your mental health and life. The only person who should be responsible for that is you.

I hope you are able to find a doctor and a therapist who can help you with your mental health so you can make decisions for yourself and your health.

Try visiting the link that Grammaretto offered or give your doctors office a call and ask for recommendations.

Maybe but she is vulnerable and needs help to see a way through, see what might be wrong with what has happened, what she has said and done. Vulnerable people who are scared and upset will NOT be helped by your hammering. Very very unkind, thoughtless and I hope you are never, for whatever reason in such a vulnerable position and if you are that you are treated with more empathy even whilst being given honest feedback!

Yes. I did. And she is still posting about the SIL like any of it matters. Like what she did to her daughter can be justified.

Yes I think you are very unreasonable. I think it was awful for you to put such a horrendous burden on your daughter.

Bibbity did you read the OPS follow up post a few posts above yours, before posting that comment? She needs help and counselling, NOT hammering, it's patently obvious! How unkind and thoughtless

I'd recommend seeing a doctor about your depression and maybe a therapist to help you sort your head out.
You've jumped straight to cancer and chemo when you don't even know you have it and tried to emotionally blackmail with your daughter with it.
You need help and I mean that in a nice way.

Your daughter isn't responsible for your happiness, you are.

Please seek help.

Yes I think you are very unreasonable. I think it was awful for you to put such a horrendous burden on your daughter.

Lollipoplove In your difficult situation I think you would find some independent counselling to help you find a way forward for yourself, your treatment and your family worries

Please try to ignore the unkindly expressed posts, not worth causing yourself more upset. Think about the thoughtful, if honest posts, and maybe doing that with a counsellor would help.

Lollipoplove you must listen, don't do this to your daughter and take steps to take care of yourself

Yes I am. But there’s enough bad advice to push someone over the edge

Lollipoplove glad you have come back and hope you will take some of the good advice you have received