Am I in the wrong

Am I right to feel so hurt that my Daughter says it’s to much pressure to put on her about allowing me back into the family gatherings or I see no point in prolonging my life with chemo.

You are entitled to feel as you do about what your daughter said to you; but equally your daughter is entitled to her feelings about what you said to her.

You say the bad news was from your mammogram. Usually a mammogram indicates only that there is an anomaly which needs more tests to discover whether what is revealed is a malignant tumour, a benign tumour which won't spread, a cyst, or just a technical glitch. When something was found on my mammogram, it took a second mammogram and an ultrasound scan to show the tumour, and a biopsy to prove that it was indeed a malignant cancer.

Have you had these other tests, or are you assuming the worst from one mammogram? And how do you know at this early stage that you will need chemotherapy - that is usually only ascertained after the primary tumour has been removed and examined in the laboratory.

If you have a definite diagnosis of a malignant tumour, and have been told that you will have chemotherapy, then you have my sympathy. It is not an easy journey - but it is better than the alternative of just letting it kill you slowly.

If you are using the evidence of one mammogram to hurt your daughter, then that is indeed emotional blackmail, and as has said before is not fair. Only you know whether you doing this.

Germanshepherdsmum

I can’t believe how unkind some posts on this thread are. I’m very fortunate not to have had a bad result from a mammogram or a cancer diagnosis. But I do know what it’s like to feel you have nothing to live for. I have been there for totally different reasons. How I would react in lollipoplove’s situation I have no idea. It’s a horrible situation and I wonder how many of the critics on this thread have experienced such a combination? I can’t imagine I would act rationally. OP has come here looking for some help and support, perhaps she has nowhere else to turn, and sadly found precious little. Some posters should be thoroughly ashamed of what they have said.

Agreed, some of the replies are very nasty and aggresive, the poster feels very down and maybe not thinking properly. 2 posters were a particularly aggresive and were not kind enough to say sorry about your news.
These particular posters seem to have no idea how others feel when they are so blunt. I say this as someone who thinks she should not put this on her daughter and should do her best to get better Good luck OP

If chemo is needed then have it....for yourself it’s not a good idea to think you live solely for family gatherings.Turn to your friends and any other relatives you may have.
Many people are either estranged from close family or they have moved to the other side of the world and need to make a life for themselves.

Concentrate on your health - good luck

After reading your last thread, the last thig I would want to do is spend time with your son in law. It sounds like you need to fight this as your daughter is going to need you in the future.

Please ring one of the helplines and get in touch with one of the cancer charities. You need some support x

I can’t believe how unkind some posts on this thread are. I’m very fortunate not to have had a bad result from a mammogram or a cancer diagnosis. But I do know what it’s like to feel you have nothing to live for. I have been there for totally different reasons. How I would react in lollipoplove’s situation I have no idea. It’s a horrible situation and I wonder how many of the critics on this thread have experienced such a combination? I can’t imagine I would act rationally. OP has come here looking for some help and support, perhaps she has nowhere else to turn, and sadly found precious little. Some posters should be thoroughly ashamed of what they have said.

Background
Https://www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1293792-Forgive-PLEASE-HELP

I’m lost for words, your poor daughter.
Get treated get well and stop focusing on minutiae.

Your results are very upsetting but you must not stop yourself getting treatment you need. Have you and your son in law not at least tried to be civil with each other. It's not fair on your daughter or your grandchild life is too short to let stubbornness get in the way.

Good post, MissAd.

The threat of taking no treatment to the negative mammogram news is, as others have said, emotional blackmail and is not fair.

The son-in-law's dislike of Lollipoplove may have nothing to with her daughter. That's what I mean by the DD owing her husband loyalty. This combined with the fact that she cannot change his attitude without causing rows that she has to live with is the bottom line.

Sad though it may be from lolli's point of view that the choice is like it or lump it, that does seem on the face of it to be that.

I agree DiscoDancer it's hard to think rationally under this sort of pressure.
I'm so sorry about your diagnosis lollipoplove I hope you can come to terms with it a bit more as time goes on. Have you tried talking to others who have had the treatment and or support groups. Try to build bridges with your daughter you need her support and she needs you too. Concentrate on getting well, there is life after cancer treatment so don't waste it.

There is nothing to indicate a definite diagnosis of cancer.
That would need a biopsy.
It's impossible to tell how someone is in real life just by reading what is posted.
Perhaps it is the shock that has triggered this thread?

Hithere - yep, I'm hoping too, as it does seem far fetched - but I replied, just in case!

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I would just like to give you a big hug right now!
Please don't deprive yourself of family gatherings just because of one person that has problems with close relationships, it's not your fault!
If he starts his "banter "again - no reason you can't put him straight by pointing it out to him that what he has said is nasty and hurtful and to please stop. It won't be your problem if he doesn't like it!
Well, it seems that he enjoys falling out with anybody and everybody. He either likes the drama or, more likely, he likes the feeling of control that it gives him and the only one who can stop that is him!
Please don't take any notice of whether or not the other grandparents etc give cards, presents etc to the GC. Some families just don't bother about birthdays, that's just the way it is. Just carry on with what you are doing in being a warm, loving grandparent and please speak to either your oncologist or his team members or even someone from Macmillan who will be able to help and provide support for how you are feeling. This feeling of hopelessness and despair you are currently undergoing may well be quite normal at this stage.

Good grief....kick a woman when she’s down and make her feel a million times worse!

Maybe she hasn’t put it very well, but her sadness has now been greatly accentuated by this awful diagnosis. It’s not surprising she’s unable to think straight, or maybe write a politically correct post. I don’t think I’d be perfectly reasonable in these circumstances either.

Lollipoplove, you need to look after you, and get better. I personally don’t see any intentional emotional blackmailing, but can see why others might. You do need help, so make sure you get it.

Hopefully, everything else will right itself in the end.

Yes you are I'm afraid.

You're emotionally blackmailing your daughter in the worst way possible.

*
TBH as long as could see my D and the children I wouldn't give two hoots about seeing this man, let alone spending any length of time with him.*

Agree with this! Concentrate on your DD and DGC.

In my humble opinion this post is so outrageous that I hesitate to think it’s even a real situation. If it is then I apologise.
Having a cancer diagnosis is horrible and frightening but to say to your daughter ‘ I am going to die because of you’ is horrendous and what a burden to leave on your daughter’s shoulders for the rest of her life and consequently your grandchildren’s lives. ‘Why did you kill Grandma, mummy just because you didn’t do what she asked’.
If you can’t face chemotherapy and don’t want to suffer through it then I don’t blame you, I certainly would never consider chemo. You can’t put that decision on your child though it has to be a totally private decision made after talking to your medical team.
I wish you luck.

OP,

How dare you use your health condition to blackmail your daughter to get what you want?

Cancer is no joke.

Depending on your diagnosis, you have a chance to be cured.

Please find something that gives you hope instead of putting all your eggs in the basket (family)

Lollipoplove As you've asked - I think it's absolutely terrible that you've said you won't have chemo unless they change.

It's very selfish to put conditions on your decision. It's not up to your daughter, or her family, to make your life worth living. Only you can do that, after all.

Using emotional blackmail to try to dictate to your daughter - and control her - is unforgiveable. Shame on you! (Well, you asked.)