MIL asking for alone time

The OP was asking for advice on how to approach a conversation!

It is just one day a week, let her have a bit of fun with her GC and be careful as there may be a day when you need her to look after your children for a while and you may find she is unwilling. What on earth is wrong with your children having a different experience of life with another adult, and one who lives them dearly.

GagaJo

I had alone time with grandparents and uncles and aunts as a child. I loved it. I was very very close to one set of grandparents and my GP role is very similar to that of my beloved granny.

It's win win for everyone in my view. GP's get lovely time with GC. GC get adoration from their GP's. Parents get a bit of breathing time.

It takes a village. This rigid 'my child - butt out' attitude must be suffocating. The cultures where family is more extended are lovely to observe. In Spain, abuelas sit in the town square watching over their GC, nephews, neices, neighbours children. In China, nainais frequently provide all childcare, so mothers can go back to work after having a baby. Every is happy.

Yes GagaJo I totally agree.

And surely it's in the child's best interest to have a relationship with their extended family members.

DiscoDancer1975

Chardy

DiscoDancer1975 interesting point. I definitely stayed at Gran's when my sister was born, I was four and a half. I doubt that was my first stay. I remember standing at the front room window in sunshine waiting for commuting Grandad to walk back from train station, I think that was around my 4th birthday. Thank you for making me think about him, as he died just after she was born.

My DGD was staying overnight here and with her other gran before her 1st birthday.

Is that a good thing I made you think about him? Apologies if not. My grandad also died when I was 4....apparently. I have no memory of him at all.

Oh yes DiscoDancer that's a good thing. I literally know no-one who met him, much less has memories of him. Both my sisters remember our grandmothers well, so we can reminisce, one sister remembers other grandad, but for him, it's just me!

I had alone time with grandparents and uncles and aunts as a child. I loved it. I was very very close to one set of grandparents and my GP role is very similar to that of my beloved granny.

It's win win for everyone in my view. GP's get lovely time with GC. GC get adoration from their GP's. Parents get a bit of breathing time.

It takes a village. This rigid 'my child - butt out' attitude must be suffocating. The cultures where family is more extended are lovely to observe. In Spain, abuelas sit in the town square watching over their GC, nephews, neices, neighbours children. In China, nainais frequently provide all childcare, so mothers can go back to work after having a baby. Every is happy.

When I brought up my DC I had no family nearby. I would have loved to have a mum or mil who could help out with the childcare! OP, I know you're a stay at home mum, but surely you could take advantage of the opportunity and leave your DC with the MIL occasionally? Meet a friend for a coffee, go shopping or to the theatre! Unless you don't trust her with your children for some reason I think you would all benefit from leaving them with her from time to time.

Oh yes, I see what you mean Madgran.

Smileless it was the reference to MIL disagreeing with aspects of parenting, thought too protective that makes me think perhaps aspects have been raised but ignored. Who knows! As you say at least now proper communication is planned.

I can't see anything in the OP that suggests "needs have been communicated and ignored" but at least now the decision's been made to talk this through.

It sounds like needs have been communicated and ignored which is why there is now a planned sit down discussion

Yes which is a good response to the problem!

I shouldn't talk about conflicts as it sounds aggressive. We never had any of this with our DDs. Both had asked us to do childcare when the babies were under a year old and have regularly looked after DGC on our own sometimes overnight though when youngest child was 3. Our family is close and DD1 PiL also close with them though her MiL doesn't always follow instructions but there is no conflict. Family dynamics within our families mean we help them and they help us if we are free.

Yammy

MamaCaz

Yammy

Your child, your rules, you choose when they see grandchildren, they call their grandparents what you want them to. Visits are agreed upon by both sides.
We moved away for the same reason as you, so far arrangements had to be made therefore no unexpected visits.
I had a stifling MIL whom I wanted to love and would have been but for her behaviour which she rued later on in life when she had no husband and needed family.
I was too young to set my own rules at first until one of mine had a nasty accident when she let them do something while I was out of the room I had always banned. They still carry the scars to this day.

Yes, your child, your rules, but IMO that does not extend to dictating what the children call their grandparent, if the grandparent object to it.

To me, that one sentence devalues all the other perfectly valid statements about parents rights over their children.

'*Nobody*' has the right to dictate what another adult should be called, certainly not their own adult children/in-law!

Those adult children have the right to decide how both they and their children are addressed, but not how to address anyone else against that person's will.

Well, I certainly would not have let my children call either grandmother mummy, or be dictated to as my MIL tried to, she was to be grandma my poor mother nanna a word never used in my family. Her dictate not mine
It depends on the grandparents. My mother got on really well with her MIL and I expected to as well I was in for a rude awakening.
People do have the right to tell their children what to call people I was brought up to call any adult, aunt or uncle out of politeness and respect as in Eastern countries and trained mine to do the same. If they had listened to their father and repeated they would have called MIL an interfering old b......and that was her son. She was doing the dictating by saying my mother was to be called nanna like a dog in Peter Pan.
Nobody can know what situations other people are dealing with, what culture they come from.
Would you have let your children call your MIL or your own mother Mummy? Even if they had asked to be called it.

You seem to be missing my point.

At no point do I condone a grandparent deciding that their grandchild should call them 'Mummy' (which, on the face of it, is just plain weird) or anything else that is unacceptable to the parents of the grandchild.
My point is that the name used has to be something that has to be acceptable to both parties.

The word 'compromise' is so important to successful relationships, and where necessary, parents and grandparents both have to compromise and find a term that is acceptable to both!

It sounds like needs have been communicated and ignored which is why there is now a planned sit down discussion.

MamaCaz

Yammy

Your child, your rules, you choose when they see grandchildren, they call their grandparents what you want them to. Visits are agreed upon by both sides.
We moved away for the same reason as you, so far arrangements had to be made therefore no unexpected visits.
I had a stifling MIL whom I wanted to love and would have been but for her behaviour which she rued later on in life when she had no husband and needed family.
I was too young to set my own rules at first until one of mine had a nasty accident when she let them do something while I was out of the room I had always banned. They still carry the scars to this day.

Yes, your child, your rules, but IMO that does not extend to dictating what the children call their grandparent, if the grandparent object to it.

To me, that one sentence devalues all the other perfectly valid statements about parents rights over their children.

'*Nobody*' has the right to dictate what another adult should be called, certainly not their own adult children/in-law!

Those adult children have the right to decide how both they and their children are addressed, but not how to address anyone else against that person's will.

Well, I certainly would not have let my children call either grandmother mummy, or be dictated to as my MIL tried to, she was to be grandma my poor mother nanna a word never used in my family. Her dictate not mine
It depends on the grandparents. My mother got on really well with her MIL and I expected to as well I was in for a rude awakening.
People do have the right to tell their children what to call people I was brought up to call any adult, aunt or uncle out of politeness and respect as in Eastern countries and trained mine to do the same. If they had listened to their father and repeated they would have called MIL an interfering old b......and that was her son. She was doing the dictating by saying my mother was to be called nanna like a dog in Peter Pan.
Nobody can know what situations other people are dealing with, what culture they come from.
Would you have let your children call your MIL or your own mother Mummy? Even if they had asked to be called it.

Summerlove

I keep saying communication is key Madgran. It needs to be kept in perspective, it's not the end of the world if as in this case, GM's expectations exceed what her d.i.l. is comfortable with.

It's only an insurmountable problem if it's made into one.

Its surprises me that some seem to see any problem like this as some sort of huge battle etc etc. Communication is key in relationships and the OP has already said that they plan to do that and asked for advice on ways to do that, express things etc, clearly looking for a positive outcome rather than a battleground!

I always abide by my DIL's rules and was only too glad to let their mummy do the nappy changing unless she was not there . No MIL should make you feel like this .

Smileless2012

Because some people don't talk to the people they should be talking too about their's and the other person's expectations.

Because people aren't mind readers which is why we need to communicate.

I agree. Completely.

Communication is key.

Because some people don't talk to the people they should be talking too about their's and the other person's expectations.

Because people aren't mind readers which is why we need to communicate.

Chewbacca

This seems to be an unusually common problem lately. Wonder why....

Because some people have expectations that aren’t being met.

Someone's mole hill is someone else's mountain, even Everest

Yammy

Your child, your rules, you choose when they see grandchildren, they call their grandparents what you want them to. Visits are agreed upon by both sides.
We moved away for the same reason as you, so far arrangements had to be made therefore no unexpected visits.
I had a stifling MIL whom I wanted to love and would have been but for her behaviour which she rued later on in life when she had no husband and needed family.
I was too young to set my own rules at first until one of mine had a nasty accident when she let them do something while I was out of the room I had always banned. They still carry the scars to this day.

Yes, your child, your rules, but IMO that does not extend to dictating what the children call their grandparent, if the grandparent object to it.

To me, that one sentence devalues all the other perfectly valid statements about parents rights over their children.

'*Nobody*' has the right to dictate what another adult should be called, certainly not their own adult children/in-law!

Those adult children have the right to decide how both they and their children are addressed, but not how to address anyone else against that person's will.

I agree Peasblossom, making mountains out of mole hills in some cases I mean what's wrong with wandering into another room with the child FGS.

Your childhood sounds very similar to mine and I have wonderful memories, especially of my maternal GM. Thank goodness my dad never had an issue with our 'alone time'.

What does your H think about this Walktothepark? Is he in agreement because don't forget this is his child too and he might not have the same reservations when it comes to his mum having some time alone with your ie your's and his child.

"I notice it's mostly the M.I.L. who gets the blame as well" they are aren't they rafichagran.

Times do seem to be a changing. Often couples announce 'we're pregnant' but when the child's born it becomes the mother's, where are the dad's in these situations? Why don't posters discuss these issues with the father of their child instead of strangers online?

It just all seems so rigid and controlled and sort of obsessed with rules and what’s allowed and discussions and negotiations.

Ah well, I had a very different childhood with lots of “alone time” with GPS, aunts and uncles, cousins, Uncle Tom Cobley and all really.

Just personally, I think they each and all added to my well being with their different abilities and take on life.

Parenthood seems such an anxious time now.

I dont think Grandparents should expect alone time. However I would think myself lucky if a Grandparent took mine for a couple of hours alone, where I could catch up on jobs, have a coffee out somewhere alone and generally enjoy myself.
I agree all this my child my rules is confronational, yes you do need to talk to your MIL if you are unhappy, but ultimately it is your desition.
I have noticed as well this is s thing lately with Grandparents and I dont know why, I will say though some parents, not all, then have this expectation that Gran will do childcare and get annoyed if they say no. This as well after they have previously put boundaries in place.
I notice it is mostly the MIL who gets the blame as well.