MIL asking for alone time

But you posted "I don't think grandparents 'have a right to have alone time, how very strange to request this" Bridgeit.

I agree they don't have a right but can't understand why the mother of a 3 year old and a baby would resent her m.i.l. helping with potty training and nappy changing.

Because needs come before wants... Simply.

When parents are ready for alone time they give it and yes it can be beneficial to all parties..

Problem is MIL is putting her wants first and ignoring her DILs needs.

This has caused issues or this post wouldn't be here.

MIL needs to let her DIL move at her own pace

Smilesss, Because the M-in-Law , is overstepping her involvement & pressing ahead with her own agenda.

I wonder have people never heard of over-protective mothers? Where the child has been so protected and restricted they find new things traumatic and worrying and it takes them a lifetime to get over it.

trisher

I wonder have people never heard of over-protective mothers? Where the child has been so protected and restricted they find new things traumatic and worrying and it takes them a lifetime to get over it.

Good point, Trisher.

trisher of course but OP isn't saying "I don't want my child going anywhere with anyone ever" she is saying MIL is making her uncomfortable. That's only 1 person and she has given us reasons

Good post @ 17.46 trisher, very well said.

VioletSky

trisher of course but OP isn't saying "I don't want my child going anywhere with anyone ever" she is saying MIL is making her uncomfortable. That's only 1 person and she has given us reasons

The OP is calling things like nappy changing a "maternal role". Most mums will let others change their children's nappies, she thinks her MIL wants to push her aside, because she goes off with her GC. Has she never thought that it might be the three year old taking grandma away? My GCs and DGCs were all capable of doing this at three. Now my DGCs are older they just boss me about when we are playing.

trisher I'm just trusting the OP here because there are some red flags to me.

Would you really just run off out of sight with your 3 year old grandchild in the park when no one was looking?

Did you call yourself "mummy" a few times despite the excitement of being a grandma?

Did you really visit your children and grandchildren and expect or want to be the one to change nappies or take them to the potty?“

MIL needs to stop trying to parent these children and grandparent them... Then I am sure Walktothe Park will relax

VioletSky

trisher I'm just trusting the OP here because there are some red flags to me.

Would you really just run off out of sight with your 3 year old grandchild in the park when no one was looking?

Did you call yourself "mummy" a few times despite the excitement of being a grandma?

Did you really visit your children and grandchildren and expect or want to be the one to change nappies or take them to the potty?“

MIL needs to stop trying to parent these children and grandparent them... Then I am sure Walktothe Park will relax

Could I just point out that the OP does not actually say that the mil ran off out of sight in the park when no one was looking.

At least, having gone back through the thread, I haven't found those claims.

Unless I have missed them, I think it more likely that the grandmother has just spontaneously either led or followed the dgc away from the family group, but not necessarily far or out of sight. In a normal grandchild/parent/grandparent group, that sort of thing sounds nothing out of the ordinary.

i agree with VioletSky.

No you are right she didn't, she said "runs away" with her grandchild.

I just find that odd because I wouldn't do that. I'd just ask to do that so mum knew where we were going. I'm pretty immovable if a toddler tries to drag me anywhere really and I'd call out if the toddler were just running off and I was running after and we'd all be chasing down those little legs I expect.

Anyway, I've said what I think and OPs needs comes first.

Some new mums are anxious but we don't "cure" that by running away with children, we earn their trust and make them feel safe.

Well all of my DSs were capable of disappearing in a park by the age of 3, ad had to be chased at 2. I suppose it does depend on the sort of child you have. A friend had a lovely quiet first child and an extremely active and physical second one. I remember her saying "I always wondered why you couldn't sit down in the park, and now I know."
Perhaps I just appreciated having another person to run after them.
I did change my DGC's nappies particularly when their mum was busy. Sometimes I did it without asking. Picked up child smelt and dealt with it. Sometimes I let my son do it.
My mum lived in sheltered housing and when her GGC visited she would take him on a tour of the building. They went by themselves and no one imagined she was challenging anyone's role or rules. They were just having fun.
It isn't challenging or being domineering. It's just playing.

trisher to me you aren't describing the same thing OP is...

Thank you for your answer though

exactly.
people are comparing apples and motorbikes.

As far as the calling "mummy" goes. I have been known to call GCs by DSs names and sometimes run through a list before I get the right one. My mum sometimes called her GGC her GCs. and did the same name mixing up. People sometimes slip up.

By calling themselves the wrong name?

Well possibly but then again, she seems to want the "mummy" role as described by the OP

I've seen children who have never been trusted out of their mother's care. Who have never been to the toilet except with their mum and always had mum on hand. It really isn't good for a child. School or nursery is traumatic for them. At some point you have to start to trust and by 3 your child should know there are others who he can trust and interact with. A grandparent is a great place to start.

trisher

As far as the calling "mummy" goes. I have been known to call GCs by DSs names and sometimes run through a list before I get the right one. My mum sometimes called her GGC her GCs. and did the same name mixing up. People sometimes slip up.

Ours sometimes even got called the name of our old dog

Depends on the grandparent

VioletSky

By calling themselves the wrong name?

Well possibly but then again, she seems to want the "mummy" role as described by the OP

But the child will always know who is mummy and won't get confused. Even if the GM wants the "mummy" role she can't have it can she? Even children cared for full time by a grandparent know their own parents.
What would be the very worst that will happen to the child- he might grow up thinking his GM is slightly loony!

I'm off to play fallout but, not all grandparents are safe for children. If OP has concerns, she needs to address them.

OP, you mention specifically about wording of the conversation.

I am sure I’ve posted before, but I would start with a chat with your partner about both of your expectations from the relationships going forward, limits/boundaries, and how you’re feeling, so you’re both communicating the same thing.

You can start and end the conversation with the theme of ‘anything we say isn’t with the intention of causing upset, but with the intention of us finding a way to move forward’ (or similar, whatever your aims really are) and also being positive about the fact that whoever is involved in the conversation is happy to sit and talk about needs discussing.

My recommendation would be to do a bit of research about ‘I’ statements, they’re really good at explaining how you feel without apportioning ‘blame’ to another person.

If this is (which I understand from your posts) a repeated request, I’d also recommend some reading about assertiveness and dealing with a ‘broken record’ - there are some excellent CBT resources out there which are useful.

You do not have to pass your child to anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason.

Whilst there is joy to be had in a healthy relationship with grandparents, there is also a good lesson to teach your children in not doing anything with someone that makes you feel uncomfortable.

For goodness sake "not all GP's are safe for children" why? because this GM runs off in the park with her 3 year old GS while the mum is there? Because she wanders into another room? Because she likes to help with her GS's potty training and to change the baby's nappy?

TBH I don't see your m.i.l. as wanting 'the mummy role' Walkinthepark I see a GM who wants to to be involved with her GC and be a part of their lives.

I hope you'll see her that way too and do as I suggested earlier today. For your own sake, your H's (she's his mum), your children's and your m.i.l's sake, keep this in proportion, don't make mountains out of mole hills.

Don't see red flags where there aren't any and don't see an enthusiastic, perhaps overly so GM, as someone trying to be a mother to your children.

You say she thinks you are over protective. I'm not saying you are, but I can see why she may think so.