What would you think if you received this?

Neither have I.

CurlyWurly, thank you again for illustrating my point.

No interferring from me, just support when needed and when they ask - like lots and lots of grandparents.

My original comment was ‘without interference’, (as AC perceive it) - your support was wanted.

What I should have made clearer, is that my post was in reference to another, considering those younger families, who had recently given birth during lockdown. It’s obvious that older children who are used to relationships being present, may miss them. A new young family may report better outcomes.

There are lots on this thread who have stated about how upset they would be, disappointed, or how precious or patronising the message is, or about how unkind the parents are being for not stopping off. Not respecting an AC’s wishes when they’ve made them clear, and instead, stating ‘but I’m your Mum’ (however clumsily) and requesting they stop on the way home from the hospital, is starting to interfere.

FWIW, not that my own experiences should be relevant, bur me and my in-laws and parents all get along and when we don’t, we’re able to sit down and talk about things like adults. They trust they’ve done a good enough job of raising us, to ensure we can make our own decisions regarding our children. They also respect that post-birth, recovery is important.

Lucca

Bibbity. But it's posters here who don't seem to accept that things have changed and that a new mother should do what is best for her and her baby and not her demanding mother

Wrong. Try to actually read what people write.
Once again…it’s not that, it’s the impersonal way it was done.

I’ve read them all

Many are upset about the tone

Some don’t believe that there are people who wouldn’t follow these common sense rules to begin with

Some are saying that new mum will regret and beg for help as she’ll be on her knees

Some are saying that they would punish new parents by putting in new rules for babysitting if they deigned to babysit at all- as a direct action of this note.

Others are looking for deeper meaning into emojis.

Some can’t understand why new mom won’t just acquiesce to a quick visit on the way home from hospital.

There are many opinions and issues.

Not all just about the tone.

Your post illustrates what many of us believe OneOfThoseDIL communication is key. It isn't just what we
say but how we say it.

Smileless2012

Your post illustrates what many of us believe OneOfThoseDIL communication is key. It isn't just what we
say but how we say it.

The drip-feed suggested the new parents tried to deliver the message in an alternative way and it wasn’t heard. Sometimes, it isn’t just about how we say it, but what we hear.

And yet, there are many posts on here which aren’t about how we say it, but the message itself.

The parents have made themselves very clear. They don’t want visitors, regardless. If they change their mind, great, but pushing the issue isn’t helpful. Asking for compromise, isn’t helpful, the only people who would compromise in this situation is the new parents, and that isn’t fair on them or their newborn. Let’s face it, their newborn really doesn’t care for meeting their grandparents during the ‘fourth trimester’ unless there is something seriously dysfunctional at home.

I don't agree that the only people who could compromise if compromises were to be made, would be the new parents, compromising works best when it works both ways.

Summerlove

Lucca

Bibbity. But it's posters here who don't seem to accept that things have changed and that a new mother should do what is best for her and her baby and not her demanding mother

Wrong. Try to actually read what people write.
Once again…it’s not that, it’s the impersonal way it was done.

I’ve read them all

Many are upset about the tone

Some don’t believe that there are people who wouldn’t follow these common sense rules to begin with

Some are saying that new mum will regret and beg for help as she’ll be on her knees

Some are saying that they would punish new parents by putting in new rules for babysitting if they deigned to babysit at all- as a direct action of this note.

Others are looking for deeper meaning into emojis.

Some can’t understand why new mom won’t just acquiesce to a quick visit on the way home from hospital.

There are many opinions and issues.

Not all just about the tone.

Ok. So there’s a variety of answers but I still maintain the majority are concerned about the tone,
What upsets me are the posts from bibbity and of course hithere implying that grandparents are always grasping demanding people who treated their own babies badly. etc. So bitter.
I’m out.

Smileless2012

I don't agree that the only people who could compromise if compromises were to be made, would be the new parents, compromising works best when it works both ways.

I completely agree that compromise works both ways. In this instance, where the parents don’t want visitors for two weeks, but the grandmother does (and asks for them to stop at home from the hospital), what compromise would you suggest?

It's what they do Lucca you kind of get used to it, it's always been the same, the go to response being that AC are never wrong and parents and GP's always are.

I would suggest letting the GM see the baby just once, after being home for a few days perhaps through a window and maybe apologising for the message, that with hindsight although no upset was intended, they can see that a conversation would have been better.

If the reason for not having the conversation was concern about the reaction they would get, that could be explained too.

Compromise -
Send a pic of the baby
Send a short video or a facetime

If parents feel up to it and the other person is appreciative of the effort the new parents make to accommodate the GM's wants

Lucca quite so. What a shame all these disparate posts. My grandmother always said that babies bring love with them (she had 8 children). When this baby comes let’s hope it is to love from all her family.

Smileless2012

I would suggest letting the GM see the baby just once, after being home for a few days perhaps through a window and maybe apologising for the message, that with hindsight although no upset was intended, they can see that a conversation would have been better.

If the reason for not having the conversation was concern about the reaction they would get, that could be explained too.

The compromise there isn’t on behalf of the grandparents though is it? They’ve achieved exactly what they wanted, got a peek of the baby and an apology from the AC, when the new parents want space. That isn’t compromise on both sides. That’s compromise on one side, from the AC. That hardly seems fair, when the AC have been so very clear about what they hope to happen.

Lucca, my sentiments exactly. I am a grandparent who is very far from demanding - my children ring me far more than I ring them; I am very aware (and thrilled) that they have their own lives, just as me and their dad do. I am happy that they have flown the nest, but am also happy to support them if needed. The grandchildren pester their parents to come and see us, not the other way around. There are adult children who actually get on with their parents! And I thank God every day that I have a lovely little family.

Hithere

Compromise -
Send a pic of the baby
Send a short video or a facetime

If parents feel up to it and the other person is appreciative of the effort the new parents make to accommodate the GM's wants

The parents have stated they’d probably FaceTime within the first two weeks, so this works for the parents, but not the grandparents.

This would be my preferred though, because the sanctity of the new families wishes is still respected.

They just have an upset grandparent to deal with (and the emotional guilt that comes with it But I’m your Mum - not the stress you need when bringing a new life into the world…

Emotional guilt really!! well TBH I've never been weighed down by emotional guilt the numerous times our boys have said 'but I'm your son'.

No, the GM wouldn't be getting exactly what she wants would she. She wanted them to stop off on their way home from the hospital in the first instance and to visit asap.

"That hardly seems fair". One can just imagine the responses from some if it had been said that what appears to be happening to the OP's sister wasn't fair.

Your family sounds lovely Curlywhirly.

Emotional guilt really!! well TBH I've never been weighed down by emotional guilt the numerous times our boys have said 'but I'm your son'.

Thinking about it, I really can’t recall a time that any of my children have ever said this to me.

As children, I had all the usual comments from them (of course!)

But never that.

Oh we did when they couldn't do something they wanted because we'd arranged to do something with or for someone else GG.

I understand concerns about the tone but, read it again in a nicer one.

Unless not liking the "tone" actually means not liking the "rules" in which case, can't help

RafichagranI absolutely agree with you. It’s nonsense to communicate in this way. For goodness sake her Mum must be so excited so what’s wrong with stopping the car as they go by. Can’t they accept how happy she must be with a new grandchild. If this was my DD I’d be furious. And woe betide them when they asked me for help.

Some posters don't like the rules and have said so. Some posters don't like the tone and have said so. Presumably if some haven't liked both, they'll have said so too.

This is certainly one way of sucking the joy out of something isn't it Skydancer.

If DD wanted this and mum was "furious" then that would not bode well for either or the relationship.

These are dangerous games to play with AC who just want their needs respected whether need is to have mum there every step of the way or wait 2 weeks

The mum is "deeply upset" and the OP, the mum's sister is "deeply" annoyed; neither are furious.

Skydancer

*Rafichagran*I absolutely agree with you. It’s nonsense to communicate in this way. For goodness sake her Mum must be so excited so what’s wrong with stopping the car as they go by. Can’t they accept how happy she must be with a new grandchild. If this was my DD I’d be furious. And woe betide them when they asked me for help.

Two wrongs …. Make it even?
Is that the case here?

What is a reasonable compromise? Neither wants things remotely similar, who loses? What's wrong with mum waiting for 2 weeks to see the baby?