How would you handle derogatory comments made about your family?

I very much doubt if you are going to be able to change this obnoxious man's attitude. He's so full of his own importance that he wouldn't listen, so no point in wasting your breath!
If you are unlucky enough to have to spend time with him in the future, you and your DH will have to bite your tongue and say nothing - as long as your DS and DiL are happy with their careers and family life, there is plenty of time for them to build everything up in the future.
I wonder if at some point, he has offered "better" jobs or a house etc and been turned down by the couple and his pride is hurt ? No excuse for him to be rude, but it sounds as if he has already been put in his place!

I would simply say to them "feel free to think what you like but please don't bore us with your disagreeable opinions. " and walk away.

What a sad person he seems to be. As others have suggested, try to avoid them as much as possible. Someone like that has absolutely no interest in the joy of the world around them. Falling out with them wouldn't in the least dent the hard shell through which he views life and would just upset you. As GBS said:
Never wrestle with a pig; you'll get covered in mud and the pig likes it!

Ditto!
See them as little as possible. Keeping quiet with difficult opinionated family members is the only way forward. Our lives are too short to have to retrieve situations which have resulted from words spoken in anger.

aggie

I never socialised much with my children’s in laws , I keep a polite distance.

This. Just because their children are married doesn't mean the two sets of parents have to be friends too!! I think my late parents and DHs parents had it right - they'd see each other at family events, send Xmas cards etc but didn't socialise outside of that.

I would say " But they are so happy. That' all that matters" . Cant take offence at that and that gets the message home.

Hmm... These are not people you choose to spend time with but have to.Normally you'd give such people a wide berth. The issue arises as to how do we manage these difficult situations in life? My way with such situations is to give a positive first and then state my own point of view or not, depending on the person and situation. It's about adopting a position of accepting that others hold different value systems to our own. So I would validate his right to a different opinion but also manoeuvre the conversation to him having to accept that both opinions are valid. That takes a lot of patience and skill. Of course he most probably won't be able to 'hear' you. People like that usually have deeper issues....have fear around money/ security/ low self esteem etc. I would do things like validate how well he has done financially and at the same time say how happy the young couple are etc. If you are 100% secure in who you are then the opinions of others will just roll away and not affect you too much. These types of insecure people often need to put others down to feel ok about themselves. And when you see him heading for one of his 'discussions' take a deep breath, make a diversion, change the subject, go to the loo etc. An ongoing challenge for sure! Good luck!

I would say They are very happy together and that is the main thing. I have said this to others and feel strongly about it as have seen some marriages where money is not a problem but there can be other issues such as controlling behaviour .

You have said your daughter in laws father is self opinionated and the mother bossy so I do not know why you spend time with them.

fiorentina51

As others have suggested. See them as little as possible and when you do see them, smile sweetly, talk about the weather etc. If the conversation moves on to anything potentially contentious, don't let it get to you, change the subject.
Good luck, they sound awful.

This. and MAKE your husband do the same by whatever methods needed . No good will come of warfare love and support your D in law and maintain the hugh moral ground.

What really matters is that the couple is happy. So, if the topic comes up again, I would simply say "what really matters is that our children are happy, and that does seem to be the case."

ss1024

What really matters is that the couple is happy. So, if the topic comes up again, I would simply say "what really matters is that our children are happy, and that does seem to be the case."

see i think that continues the conversation and enables comments like "well they'd be happier of they were more financially secure" I think changing the subject entirely is a better idea

Avoid meeting with them. But if you do, don't say anything confrontational. Just end the conversation with a smile and change the subject.
Important:
Don't forget to moan ALL the way home in the car to your DH though!! Sweet release!

I think you have done really well keeping the peace. He sounds an obnoxious man whose priorities in life are very money orientated. I’d definitely keep contact to a minimum and if he continues to go on when you do meet up I’d quietly tell him your thoughts on it all, if it causes awkwardness then so be it. He sounds like the type who thinks he can say what he likes and get away with it.

I would avoid them as much as poss apart from occasions...I expect the conversation is all Me me (as in the parents in law)which would drain Me

Unfortunately you can pick your friends but not your family. My daughter inlaw mum and stepdad are the same always making sly digs and comments and they don’t have money. Ive sat bite my lip many times and I’ve always snapped back but Only different is my son has a really good job and so does my daughter inlaw. I’d put it down to jealously.

JaneJudge

I think I would try to limit the amount of time you socialise with them. Thy sound difficult to be around and I am not surprised it upsets you. Life is about more than money.

Yes I agree with this. DiL's father was a heavy drinker who sadly died early and we did find any family events difficult. Fortunately he preferred being in the pub to seeing us so it didn't arise often.

... where would any of us be without the unsung heroes who do the menial graft that underpin the whole infrastructure of society?

Your DIL's father may well want the best for her, that's natural enough, but to look down on others who may not have had the options, education or wealth... or even luck, to achieve his status is both arrogant and ignorant.

Ultimately, your son and DIL have chosen to live the lives they want to lead, and the rest of the family should butt out - unless they've been asked to be involved.

IMO, the only way to deal with this is, as others have said, to limit your involvement with these other in-laws, and if the opinionated father insists on discussing these issues, tell him politely that you don't think it's any of your business to decide how they should live and that they must make their own choices.

Honestly I would just think there he goes again what an idiot
and leave it at that. I am sure your son has learned to do that and takes no notice.

I think you should go on doing what you have already done.

In addition, it might be possible to prevent your DIL's parents from getting far on the critical track by saying at the first hint of criticism or the desire to discuss the young couple's careers or fianances something like, " Well, I know nothing about that, so I can't comment" and then move on to some other topic of conversation that has nothing to do with the family.

You cannot change a self-opinionated person of our age - only he can change himself, and he is not going to, as he is certain he is right.

Try to ignore his remarks, rather than take him up on them.

Depending on the dynamics in the family, I think I would mention my son that it embarrasses me when his FIL starts discussing their (your son and daugther-in-law's affairs) as they are adults and their affairs are not really any business either of you and your husband or of the in-laws, but that you feel it wisest not to enter into a discussion with them.

Presumably, your son's FIL has made his opinion very clear to your son and his wife and you don't want them thinking that you and your husband are ganging up against them.

How often and when do you see your son's in-laws?
If it is only in the young couple's home once or twice a year it should be possible not to get involved in discussions.

If you see them regularly as part of your own social circle, I would try to see less of them without giving offence on that account, obviously.

They don't sound like the kind of people you and your husband would choose to see regularly, so see as little of them as possible.

Nansnet - very well managed - I am completely with you in wanting to be sociable with the out-laws - it is all for the younger generations that we do this but if you're lucky you can find some joy in that relationship and if you can search for that and downplay the other not so rewarding aspect it might become easier for you. As the years go on they will gradually cease to comment on the financial situation - at least they're never approached to loan money and that might be something you could always keep up your sleeve if the time ever came when you felt you couldn't bite your lip any longer.

Both of us have had extremely difficult family members to contend with. It really had a huge impact on both of us.
It has made us tolerant and diplomatic and very fearful of any confrontation or upsets.
You can't change people and life is too short for angst and hassle. Let it all wash over you.......

Thank you again, everyone, for your advice and suggestions. DH and I have discussed this at length over the past couple of days. Whilst we've had many good times with them over the years, perhaps it's time for us to gradually start seeing less of them, and on the occasions we do get together we will definitely steer clear of any discussions about our DS & DiL! We're also in agreement that he can sometimes be a bit of a p*#%*! Good to know that DH and I are on the same page!

10 out of 10 for self control to you and your DH. Personal experience tells me it's wrong to get involved and say what you think when such crass remarks are made. Long may your patience continue, you're doing the right thing!

Nansnet Your DIL's father sounds very much like my (late) FIL. He harboured ambitions of his son marrying the daughter of a local councillor, a wealthy family. When that relationship ended and he chose me instead FIL made it clear I was second best - not as attractive, not as socially acceptable, only working class (so was he!), didn't dress smartly enough, didn't have a penny to my name etc etc. To keep the peace I ignored his snide remarks, but when, on our wedding day, he criticised my wedding dress it was the last straw and I retaliated quietly but vehemently. He realised he had overstepped the mark and apologised, saying that he only wanted the best for his son and didn't want him to make a mistake. I told him I was not a 'mistake' and he'd just have to accept me for the person I was. We got on much better after that.

Too many parents have high expectations for their children rather than accepting them for the people they are and the lives and careers they choose to follow.

All we've ever wanted for our sons is their happiness in their relationships and careers, whatever they may be. Success and financial security would be a bonus but it doesn't happen for everyone, it doesn't make them a 'lesser' person.

Fortunately we have 3 lovely DILs and we're good friends with all their parents. We don't socialise frequently because of distance, but when we do get together we all get along very well and can all express our opinions (if necessary) without fear of offending.

I don't know what to suggest regarding your DIL's father, other than perhaps taking him quietly aside on his own and telling him how you feel about his remarks. It may not change him but he might think twice about being so outspoken in the future.