How would you handle derogatory comments made about your family?

Smileless2012
Why are you smiling less? I feel I need to send you hugs!

Smileless2012

I think you handled it well Nansnet and in addition to saying that people have different lives, hopes and expectations I would add what a lovely couple they are, great parents and that you're proud of them.

Exactly what Smileless2012 said.
Plus, if it was me I'd probably have put both my feet right in it right up to my throat by now, so I think you're handling them very well!!
I really dislike openly loud opinionated people like your son's FiL, and often wonder if the wives just go along with them because they have the loudest voices?!
I'd be really nosy, and start asking about their lives before they got together, who was the richer/poorer, and who makes the most money now? Lol, but that's just me.
You could say, "I'm sure they could be doing better, if they felt they needed or wanted to. But they could also be some tree hugging layabouts, claiming to be artists and causing all sorts of damage to, & littering, our beautiful countryside, like your garden, in the name of protecting the local green grass!"
Then wander off to look at the beautiful trees & grass before they can say anything in return.

Note, please, no offence meant to any country loving tree huggers in here, they were just the first people I thought of!

Be careful nansnet by being easy going the in-laws might think you agree with everything you say, that’s probably why they are so comfortable talking about them.
If they ever start to interfere with your sons marriage they could start the conversation with. ‘ the 4 of us are in agreement and think that you should………..’
You really have to put a firm stop to any conversations about your ACs, even if that means upsetting your friends.
I didn’t realise that you were friends before the marriage took place.

We see our AC’s in-laws very rarely - only GC’s birthdays, where conversation is light hearted and jolly.
As others have said - limit your time with them.

lemsip

that's what happens when inlaws get too friendly with there parties inlaws. they are not related to you so there is no need to get involved with them . we will all favour our own won't we.

Totally agree, lemsip ... too late for us now though! But I'll certainly take heed when it comes to our DDs future in-laws!

Baggs

Since I know my family to be beyond reproach and seeing as the derogatory remarks were pure snideness, I'd have a grumble to myself using words like "darn cheek!" and then let it wash over me.

Baggs... I wouldn't go as far as to say that my family are beyond reproach, but I will certainly take your advice on board ... probably something a lot a stronger than 'darn cheek', if you get my meaning, but it would certainly make me feel better!

that's what happens when inlaws get too friendly with there parties inlaws. they are not related to you so there is no need to get involved with them . we will all favour our own won't we.

Hithere... "Why do you feel you need to have a relationship with your son's ILs?"

It started years before our DS & DiL were married. We were invited over for drinks, then dinner, and evenings out. Sometimes with our ACs, sometimes just us. The friendship grew from there. We reciprocated, and we all got on very well together. It worked well, with no issues, until our AC were married some years later.

The in-laws have a tendency to meddle, mostly Mil, who likes to give her 'advice' to Dil when not necessarily wanted, or required. It has been a niggling issue between DS and Dil. Dil is the loveliest person who just wants to keep everyone happy, and I would never want to upset her. She would be mortified if there was any falling out between us and her parents, and DS obviously doesn't want any unpleasantness between him and his in-laws. DH and I just watch, and listen, let them get on with their own lives, and always support them in any way we can.

We're very easy going, and just want to keep the status quo, but sometimes things get a little annoying! I do understand when others say there's no need to have a relationship with the in-laws, but it's a little late for that, and this is the situation we are in, and after many good years, it would be difficult not to continue. There hearts are in the right place, but I just wish the FiL wasn't so self-opinionated, and the Mil wasn't so meddling!

I feel for your son and his wife, having these comments made about them! I would think that they bless you, but probably don't want to say anything critical about her parents.

I agree that you handled it well, should limit time with them as far as you can, and continue to be emollient.

Do keep your own self-esteem up. I have sometimes found that I feel awkward about being a bit 'common', then I say to myself that I am a well respected and loved person and in the famous words of Eleanor Roosevelt ' no-one can make you feel inferior without your consent'.
I'd also say - they made you feel uncomfortable - whatever the social status, who has the best manners?!

I would never comment on the way any of my family choose to live their lives, they have all made their choices and have to live with them. Some we socialize regularly with, some a couple of times a year, it pays to be diplomatic and keep away from sensitive subjects. Also be aware that others may say the wrong thing, especially if alcohol is involved.

As others say...try and limit time spent in their company.
Make bland replies to them and don’t tell your son what they say.Anything could be turned against you if you do.
Not worth worrying over though in the end, your DS and his wife are happy and that’s all that matters.

Since I know my family to be beyond reproach and seeing as the derogatory remarks were pure snideness, I'd have a grumble to myself using words like "darn cheek!" and then let it wash over me.

I have 3 married children, haven't seen their in laws in years. Saw them at the weddings, Christenings and occasionally bumped into them at children's houses. They are OK but they aren't friends of mine, I didn't choose them, they are casual acquaintances at the best.

Maybe don't see them so much?

If it was someone who knew me they probably wouldn’t make derogatory remarks in the first place. If they did make a remark I would say that our son and their daughters jobs and lifestyle are frankly none of our business.
They sound pompous I really wouldn’t be in their company very much in the first place. I wouldn’t give a second thought to their response either.

Their comments are for your ds and dil to address.

If they bring it up to you, change the subject and refuse to go there

Why do you feel you need to have a relationship with your son's ILs?

Thank you all for your views, and advice. Much appreciated! It seems that most of you agree with my thoughts about them, and that we are doing the right thing by keeping our mouths shut. Hopefully, what I said will have some effect, and he'll know that I wasn't happy with his opinions. If it happens again in future I will take the advice of many of you, politely agree to disagree, and excuse myself to go to the bathroom. Hopefully, DH will do the same!

It sounds as if you have made your point clearly and well . I don’t think you need to Labour the point but going over it again. You did the right thing by making your views clear and didn’t just takes the cowards way by agreeing. I would just be polite in future and keep contact to the minimum for family functions etc .

Your right to think first of your son and dil.
But in my view you need to plan ahead when socialising with your in laws. Both of you should come up with a stock phrase you are happy with. Something g along the lines of 'we are just happy that they are happy'.
Then firmly change the subject. To put a complete end to the discussion one or both of you could excuse yourselves and leave them for a while.
They need training that you will not be coerced into this type of conversation.

How very difficult for you and well done on not exploding and making things far worse. As others have said, just try to limit meeting up with them, if it is family occasions when others are present, just keep a polite distance and always have conversations with them when other people are around to witness what they say. This may stop the snarky comments. Console yourselves with the thought that they are rather vulgar to judge people on what they have achieved financially.

They sound pretty horrid. Let their ill considered remarks glide over your head.

As others have suggested. See them as little as possible and when you do see them, smile sweetly, talk about the weather etc. If the conversation moves on to anything potentially contentious, don't let it get to you, change the subject.
Good luck, they sound awful.

I would keep it zipped,too. They have the problem, not you and I would be having a few sneaky laughs about them when they are not around. They probably know no better.

My SIL often makes derogatory remarks about our family, she thinks it’s funny. I think it stems from jealousy, as we had a mother that cared.

Keep quiet but limit the times you meet, if they did start on derogatory comments about my som I know I couldn’t resist saying “ he’s a great person, couldn't have a better son” and cut the visit short. That way leads to disharmony though, so I would definitely limit the visits and keep my distance from fil. He sound insecure to me with his boasting.

I am with Urmston on this.
I frequently have to bite my tongue when my DiL makes derogatory comments about my DD. I could rise to it but choose not to as it stems from jealousy.