Excluded Son Baby Shower

Is it, like, the WI on Zoom?

When everyone sits there surreptitiously doing their knitting?

What exactly is a Chat Room?

I am so uneducated.

Please be patient as I have never been in a chat room before

Actually this isn’t a Chat Room

Another spoof story! Where do people find the time?

Germanshepherdsmum

It’s a wind up surely.

I agree, there are quite a few threads at the moment that don't ring true.

I can't imagine either my mother, any of her sisters or my DSs going to a family event I hadn't been invited to and they would all say loudly why they wouldn't go.

I understand how easy it is to scam people when I see the amount of people that respond to this utter b****x.

Dinahmo

I think so too.

I have a feeling of dejà vu
Or dejá vu?

Please feel free to correct ?

I think you need to focus on the relationship not on the shower. The lack of invitation is a symptom of a bigger problem, not the problem in itself

Clearly you feel, and have had validated by others, that it was the cousin who was out of order and not you. That may well be the case but I think you need to weigh up which is more important to you... being "right" or "having a relationship with your family, including your new grandchild".

If you wish to prioritise maintaining a a relationship and contact with your son and his family then I suggest you:

1. Contact your son/DIL (by letter maybe) and say:
*You understand that they are upset and angry about your argument with DILs cousin
*That you are sorry that this has caused a rift between you and that you would like to make up and move on
*Ask them what you can do to make that possible
*Tell them that you love them and care about them

Now if you get a reply and they tell you that you must apologise you could:

*Ask specifically what you are apologising for
*Explain why you said/did what you did that they mention
*Highlight your view that the cousin was wrong etc and that you expect an apology from the cousin

OR

You could:
*tell them that although you don't entirely agree with them your future relationship with them is more important to you and so yes you will apologise.
*Apologise to the cousin
*Invite your son and DIL over or whatever and start working to get things back to normal

Only you can decide which way you want to go with this. But be aware that, on the basis of what you have described, there is every chance that further problems will arise and you may find yourself back at square 1, treading on egg shells and being excluded from things anyway

Another thing that strikes me is your other family going along, without raising the issue. Your mother is presumably scared of also being left out!!! Basically then everyone is being manipulated by the wishes/anger of one, maybe 2 people in the family! Hmmmm!

I think so too.

It’s a wind up surely.

Have you checked that you are not invited on purpose?

You said you blew up at her cousin, what did that involve?

Were you able to resolve things with her cousin? If not maybe you are not invited because your DIL fears problems will continue between you and cousin or cousin will be upset by your presence

Yes really.
This daughter in law will shortly be raising a child of her own, and using the imminent birth of her child as a means of humiliating her mother in law over a disagreement with a cousin is beyond cruel, plus intentionally setting a family feud in motion.

Really?

What a storm in a teacup, but this is the curse of families that have to live in each other's pockets.
It seems extraordinarily mean and spiteful. to exclude you and invite all the other members of your family, all of whom seem to know what has happened. know. What on earth has it got to do with your ex-husband?

Your son is the one you need to talk to, and if he is involved in this baby shower he shares half the responsibility and should not be allowing his wife to use what should be a pleasant social gathering to humiliate his mother.

I understand why you are upset, on the other hand would you really want to be there under the circumstances you have described! I wouldn't worry, if you make a fuss you are playing into her hands . Stay away and treat yourself to something you will enjoy.

And what did those text to your son say?

Sometimes it is not the issue, also how people react to the situation

What happened that cousin was that disrespectful in that trip?

I agree that not being invited to the many shower may be the beginning of what your future holds with them

The first thing that struck me from your post was.... try to treat them as part of the family This suggests that being part of your family isn’t automatic, which it surely is isn’t it?

It may be there is something in your attitude which riles this particular DIL. It is a very common problem. DIL’s cleave to their own families. Not always....but mostly.

You were obviously ( understandably) excited at the holiday you were planning, but your DIL perhaps wasn’t, therefore wanting her cousin there.

How is your other son and his wife? Do you think you have a good relationship with them?

You can’t make things work. You maybe need to be more laid back...take holidays with your ‘ significant other’, and don’t put so much emphasis on what your sons are doing. You may find they’ll then take the first step more, and include you.

I would imagine your DIL feels awkward with/ around you, hence the absence of an invite to baby shower. It’s a very obvious statement to make. Won’t go unnoticed you’re not invited.

I would give this couple space. The ‘ shower ‘ is not important, but the rest of your lives together are.

Congratulations by the way.

annsixty

If your family had any respect for you they should show solidarity with you and not go themselves if you are not invited.

I agree.

I remember there was a big row.

There has been a similar problem posted before about an invited guest at the last minute but I can’t remember the outcome.

Baby showers are quite ridiculous so I wouldn’t want to go to one anyway but like other posters have said you do need an explanation as to why you have been excluded.

I’m sure remember the bit about the cousin and the holiday, are you sure you haven’t posted before?

They also wouldn’t be getting any gifts from me.
I assume they will expect gifts when the baby is born but then you may not be allowed to see it