How everything has changed in 15 years

I just did exactly as I was told.

Oh yes, it’s so different. There’s lots more anxiety around for new mums now than I ever remember. Probably because they’re constantly told if they don’t do things a certain way, their babies will die!

If things are fine....I don’t say anything. If they’re stressed...so really my daughters, but one of my DIL’s was as well from time to time, I tell them what I did.

Being a nurse greatly helped me I must say, and still does. Particularly in the night hours. I’ve often been able to reassure them.

Just listen to what they ask you to do and do your best, of course quite often the person who knows best is the only one not asked - the baby.
Just found my 1967 baby book and couldn't help noticing it is completely practical, certainly enjoyed by DDs although not necessarily followed..

Visit when invited; offer help as appropriate. If babysitting check with parents on how things are done, routines etc. And just enjoy!

Wallsendgran, crikey! - are you overthinking this! You really don't need to be an expert, or even have up-to-date knowledge.

Everyone is contactable, on the phone or with a text. You won't be all alone. Have they even asked you to babysit?

My daughters both had over a year off on maternity leave and breast fed. One is very relaxed and quite happy for me to just do my usual thing. The other has a very strict routine of sleep times, vegan foods, no sugar, only water to drink, no TV, baby-led weaning etc. so I'd always ask or check, if in any doubt! (I gave her three-year-old a vegan sweet, as his cousin was eating them, to be told off - he'd never had a sweet in his life, poor thing.)

Stick ain't of do's and don't's inside your kitchen unit door. I used to do this for family and friends who came to visit so I could remember who liked to drink what, how many sugars etc instead of constantly asking!
If you ask the parents, say you're making a list, they'll really appreciate you trying so hard and it will make it easier for you to remember things like what food or drinks to have in for grandchildren!

Oh, I forgot, good for you thinking about what they do with their child/ren and for not assuming that 'under my roof, under my care, I'll do what I want'!!
You're a lovely grandma!

I guess we have to think back to when ours were babies and if we ever left them with our mothers we would like them to follow our wishes within reason of course.

Now ours are grown up with babies of their own, I think we should abide by their way of doing things, some of which can be based on sound medical evidence.

Take sleeping. Mine all slept on their tummies as that was the advice at the time, to prevent chocking if the baby was sick.
Now though they sleep on their backs, and apparently the tragic cases of cot death have gone right down.

It does help to have a reasonably laid back daughter though!
I have heard of grandmothers being presented with a big sheet of paper filled with very strict dos and don’ts!

Ali08

Oh, I forgot, good for you thinking about what they do with their child/ren and for not assuming that 'under my roof, under my care, I'll do what I want'!!
You're a lovely grandma!

Is this laying on their backs? Or less people smoking?

Sorry Ali08 that was meant to be from JenniferEccles quote!

Calistemon

So-called rules change constantly, in fact the rules re weaning changed between my oldest and youngest.

Just ask the parents what "they" prefer.

However, do make sure you know and stick to their rules.

Ask for a demonstration re new-fangled pushchairs, bottles, car seats, sleeping position etc etc and note well.
New-fangled pushchairs can be a nightmare! As can car seats.

I do so agree about pushchairs! So effing complicated now, not to mention big and expensive! And heavy to push.

I ended up buying a good old, light, easy-fold McLaren umbrella type for regular childcare with Gdd1.

It was trying to stop the pushchair folding itself up on a small DGD the first time we looked after her - we ended up sitting with her in the garden in carrycot.
Which reminds me, I had a set of wheels for the carrycot I had for my DC as well as a Silver Cross pram which took to pieces!

According to my DiL i knew nothing about looking after babies. We even had to take a practical test in crossing the road with a buggy. I was given a list of rules and a timetable and just followed it to the letter. We were even expected to text photos of what the babies were doing. We complied and kept shtum. Result - happy family and we got to spend loads of time with the GC

M0nica

I just did exactly as I was told.

Yes, that is the main change. And there are definitely pros and cons. In 'our' day, we were expected to do as we were told, by our mums, health visitors, etc. I never had any help as I lived abroad a long way from my parents, and my MIL made it very clear she was NOT interested. It was very hard, but looking back I was so lucky I could follow my instinct and do what I felt was right, with the support of OH.

Now young parents have read 100 books and followed so many internet baby 'gurus'- and be be SO particular about minor detail - and GPs often made to feel 'exactly our way or not at all' even when helping with childcare for week or part of the week. Not always easy!

Start by telling your son and daughter-in-law exactly what you said in you original post here, including the bit about not wanting to interfere or be always say "in my day..."

Ask them what they are doing, have been advised?

If they mention something they have been told to do that they don't think is a good idea that could let you in. You can either say you wouldn't have done that either, or ask why they are dubious about it.

Their baby - their rules. You are less likely to go wrong if you stick to that.

Simply said to mine. Is there anything you particularly want me to do. Any do's or dont's. Whats the latest you would like them to nap. Times for feeds and later any foods you would or wouldn't like them to have. Are you happy for it to be nanny and grandads house rules while they are here and please please if there is anything you dont like just say as things have changed since mine were little. I always outlined our day when they got picked up and said when they last ate, nappy changed and contents, and napped. Seemed to work well. I always tell my children and parteners what good parents they are and that am happy to take their lead.

The basics will flood back naturally but new guidelines are always being updated with new research so do what your DIL or DD instruct. It would get my back up when MIL said things like ‘that’s not how I did it and I have brought up two children’ so I would listen to what they want and follow their instructions. Having said all that, my mother was suffering with early signs of dementia when I had my second baby, but, when I gave her my baby to hold, she was a natural, cooing, rocking, holding, it was a tonic for her and lovely to watch.

Ps, I have also been a nanny and the mothers would often just leave me to it, most things are obvious and common sense. It’s new fanged gadgets and push chairs which cause the stress I feel. Just make sure that baby is kept happy and awake long enough for them to sleep at night when back with the parents.
Leave food instructions to parents wishes as some have allergies which you need to be aware of. Think about other cultures and how they manage without all the thousands of guide books that we seem so much to cling on to. In my day, Dr Spock was king. I don’t know if he is still relevant? But, as with many parents, after the first child, when the second comes along, so many things are abandoned and we just follow what makes baby happy and healthy.

I just put the DGC into the same routine my children had when they were toddlers. Set times for meals, outings, snacks, naps etc. DD and DIL provided packed lunch and drink bottle, nappies wipes etc. Worked well for us.

My daughter had to work till babies were born and straight afterwards (self-employed barrister) so I looking after them when they were tiny. She expressed extra milk and it was put in my freezer jic! The eldest was a real problem to get to sleep and I used to sit in a rocking chair and sing anything and everything. He’s on the autistic spectrum and still has the same problem. I think the changes are for the better but I do remember thinking my mother would be spinning in her grave when they were older and were eating curry!

My newly retired husband stepped into mind grand daughter when my daughter returned to work ( I was still working at the time) my daughter then had another little girl -they are 20 months apart. Again he minded both the girls until they went to school. He was always given a list of do's although I'm not sure how well they were observed! The girls are now 10 & 12 & they have the most wonderful relationship with him its truly magical. He is actually my daughters step father so I guess makes this even more special. Good luck on being a grand parent it can be scary but so rewarding.

Things always change over the years, sometimes for the better. Parents and grandparents used to use a drop of brandy to help baby sleep or with teething. Not great.

I agree with just follow the parent's rules. But I would say ask for instructions on how some of the equipment works and time to practice. Some of the buggies are easy if you know how and hell if you don't!

Just tell them that you'd love to help if they need it, but that as things have changed you'll need them to let you know how they want things done. Simple!

My friend was horrified when her dil put ice cubes on her babies feet to stop her falling asleep during feeding. I mentioned it to my daughter and she said she had been told by a nurse to do that too.