Unequal gift

Newnanny we did exactly the same, the others are very happy with the arrangement. We all need to be up front but parents occasionally do get it wrong!

It seems that for many of us, that the main concern is the lie - but it may have been told for a reason OP is unaware of.

I totally understand those who say that children / GCs should be treated 'equally and I also take the point that fortunes may change.

However, I am still uncomfortable with what I know will be uneven for my GCs, and make a big difference to their start in adult life.

I do understand how you feel. I really do. Please consider your parents and sibling. Is it truly worth falling out over. It sounds as though they acted with love for you both.

I have always treated my two sons the same. They would have been upset if I had ever given one more than the other. Rightly so.

My mother in law treated my daughters differently. We had a good relationship until one day I had to say something. She took offence and we haven't spoken since, over 5 years ago. My daughter wasn't worried about it but I was. She was less better off money wise than my other daughter so it wasn't that reason. My mother treated myself and my brother equally and I will always do the same for my children and grandchildren whatever their circumstances.

I am very grateful to my children who are unequally treated but say they are happy with that. I bank roll one who is ill and would have lost their house had I not been able to help, one lives with me and I pay most bills and another is doing well financially but I helped when a burglary left them out of pocket. They have had very different amounts but they care about each other and the ‘losers’ say it is the right thing to do. When it comes to my will they will get equal shares as I can’t predict when that will become relevant or what position they will be in at that time. I really believe that they will help each other out in the future if necessary but who knows…..

newnanny the sale of your let property to your son at less than the market value has implications. If you sell it to him at say £100k and it is currently worth £150k there is a deemed gift of £50k. Before you do anything you need to seek legal advice.

For anyone thinking that deducting the amount of a gift from a child's eventual share of assets left in a will is equitable you should be aware that it can cause problems. £50k given now to help a child buy a house would be worth a lot more in say 20 years than £50k given in cash at the time of death so it might be wise to include a clause that means that the £50k for the house is adjusted to current values at the time of death and the estate apportioned accordingly.

I would just be grateful for what you've been given and don't think about it further.

My children have all had different amounts. DS1 is married with a salary earning wife, DS2 is single, little money, DD1 single working parent, DD2 living on benefits. All need money for different things at different times, some less than others. I intend to distribute much of my cash long before I die, with my will distributing what little is left equally. None of them know the details of how much the others have had which is how I intend to keep it. I don't want them fighting after I've gone and this seems like the best solution.
It is my money and I'm going to do what I want to do with it.

I also think that such a gift and monies left in Wills should be divided equally.

However, over the years we have gifted money as and when the need arose for all of our kids. We paid for University accommodation for all of them and we helped out with a deposit contribution for one, but bought all the white goods and paid solicitors fees for another one. We will do the same for the youngest when he buys a property.

We have never discussed the above with the other children, but they all know that if they are in need we are there.

Fortunately, they are all doing very well and don't need the money. I can see how it might be much harder as a parent if there are very different circumstances for one child than the others. if that was the case then we would discuss the issues with them all, there would be no secrecy.

I’m sorry that this is causing you distress and hope that you reach a resolution at some point. It must be even more difficult if there is no apparent reason.
I have made provision in my will for one of my (2) children to receive more than the other, because the one has constantly had money off me. My solicitor insisted on me signing something with the reasons why.

My own mum was always very fair in giving us the same amounts when we were buying property. She helped me with a deposit, then later my brother needed more help for his deposit so she gave him what he needed and then gave me extra to even things up - which paid for a dining table and chairs and a new vacuum cleaner. She lent him money later which he paid back. When my car died she offered to buy me another one. I said no as I knew I couldn't repay the loan but she said "It isn't a loan, it's a gift. Just don't tell your brother!"

I never told him and I don't know if she ever evened things up, however he was always better off than me so maybe she felt I needed it more, which I did at the time, as getting to work without a car was extremely difficult involving 40 miles a day with 2 buses each way!

I've helped both my kids out with loans at various times. One still owes me money. I hope in future to help them both out equally but would consider unequal help if they had different needs. If I helped in an unequal way it would be based on need, definitely not on favouritism.

Please don't feel bad about this situation. It sounds to me as if your parents want to help you both and do their best for you. Maybe things will be evened up later through their wills (that is what I would do) but whatever their plans, be grateful for their generosity and try not to let this affect any of your family relationships.

I am the youngest of 5 children. When my mother died she left everything to the eldest two (it was a substancial amount of properties, investments and cash).
It divided the family.
As a family I always felt we were all equally close.
I would just like to know why three of us were not that equal to the other two!!

I have a sister who is feckless with money. She asked for financial help from our mother when she was in need. Our mother was good enough to tell me about the request and asked if I minded (I didn't). She proposed giving me a matching amount of money, although I didn't need it.

However, after our mother passed away, I came across another begging letter from my sister to our mother and I have no knowledge if a gift was made at that time, or not - or indeed any others. I should mention that my sister left for another country and did nothing to support our mother in her extremely frail state of health for her last fifteen years.

It is not the act of giving money but the background behind it that (to me) is the problem. Some people need or manage money better than others but if there is a constant stream of financial help there could be a perception that one person is being left out. Of course, my mother was free to do what she wished with her money but there was a niggling sense of unease when I found the correspondence relating to a second gift.

I would suggest you speak to your parents, perhaps suggesting that if possible, a gift be made now to your brother and this amount be deducted from their estate when they pass away, if they do not wish - for whatever reason - to give equal amounts now.

Please do not let this fester as many years later, despite a good relationship with my sister, if I think about this quandary, it still rankles! Perhaps I am a very shallow person!

I admire your brother with his communication and straight-forwardness. You've made it clear you appreciate the decision is for your parents about what they do with their money. It's the deceit about the messaging which would enrage me. I'd let them know that you are aware and leave it at that. If they choose to explain so be it. It's a rum way to be with folk and you are right to feel as you do.

For me it is the lie that would hurt. Dishonesty is the thing that I hate most. It also shows that they know they are not being fair but are too cowardly to explain why. I'm afraid that I would feel duty bound to tackle the issue with them by saying how disappointed I was that they lied to me. I wouldn't be able to help myself. If it meant that they were offended and I didn't get the money, so be it. I wouldn't even want them to make up the difference but I would want them to know that the dishonesty put our relationship in jeopardy rather than the amount of money.
Hat's off to your brother for wanting to make up the difference although in reality, if he's not good with money, it is unlikely to happen. At least the thought is there and he is being honest with you.

How about hi mum and dad I don’t want to sound ungrateful but you said me and bro were getting 50/50 but I don’t feel it has being. Then wait for reply because only there can give you the answer you are looking for unfortunately. My sons and grandkids will get different amounts but that’s only because I started with saving accounts when born as all not born same time will get different amounts don’t mean I love them any different. Now my parents well I was born first and received zero my brothers got everything

I'd like to say the hard truth. You and your sibling (s), male or female will not and never can have an equal upbringing. My sister and I certainly didn't and I don't know of anyone that has. My elder sister was always given more and to my parents, I say Thank You! I had to struggle and fight for everything I have and I treat it respectfully and feel a great sense of accomplishment. My sister? She has been on the edge of or in homelessness almost all of her adult life. You are perfectly capable and don't need it. They spend their money the way they want and have their reasons which they do not need to justify or explain.

I understand how you feel. When we were young my DH worked long hours and was away from home a lot hence he earned above average salary. When my parents were handing out money we always got less than my brother and sister because we "didn't need it". That felt unfair because we made sacrifices to be in that position. I have been determined not to do the same with my 2 daughters. They might get different amounts when they need it most but it is always evened out in the end.

I have helped my children with different amounts of money according to their different needs. One has had a substantial sum which will mean they receive that much less when I die. The other children know what I've done. I love them all equally. I echo what others have said - do not let this spoil your relationship with your parents or your brother - but I do understand your pain when you found out what has actually happened. I think the most likely thing is that your parents love you and your brother equally and have been very fearful that you would 'read' the larger gift to him as loving you less. They then made what looks to me like a bad decision - to tell you you were receiving the same as your brother. But it was based on not wanting to hurt you. In fact it has ended up leading to your feeling hurt - which is, I think, exactly what they wanted to avoid. So many people fear speaking to others they love about things which really matter , for fear it 'will all go wrong'. But sharing things which matter bring us closer if done with a commitment to listen for understanding. Maybe after you have read this thread and chosen which bits of advice are the ones you want to follow, you might consider talking to your parents - openly and with love, without blame or judgement but to clear away misunderstanding and instead understand each other better. That could bring you closer and help with the pain you are feeling. Nothing in life is certain - but people often more regret the things they didn't do, than the things they did. If you continue to feel hurt - and I do see it is a very strong and present feeling - you could find a good therapist to talk to for a few sessions - it is part of being human that sometimes we need someone else to help us work through pain, rather than trying to ignore it or lock it away (which never works) If you do that, you might then feel in a place where you could have that conversation with your parents and maybe your brother too. I wish you well.

My husband has three siblings. We know that one has had a valuable watch, one a diamond ring, don't know about third. My husband hasn't been given anything.
At the weekend we were told that sibling 3 is to get a larger share in the will, don't really know the reasoning behind this - all the siblings are doing well and do their fair share to help out their mum. It has nothing to do with me of course, but I feel so annoyed on my husband's behalf. In my opinion it should always be equal.

I think you are right to feel hurt. My MIL gave her other daughter in law £500 for her birthday present and because her son and I have a birthday in the same month gave him £50 for his birthday to share with me. Oh yes I feel you have every right to feel injustice. I hate unfairness. Needless to say I am the one to help her while she tells me about her wonderful daughter in law who never comes near.

We gave our second daughter a large deposit for a flat ten years ago to help her get on the property ladder. We told our older daughter that she would get the same in day and it was in our will that she should get this extra if not before. We didn't help the elder daughter at the time as she was hopeless with money and would have ended up in debt. We paid for both of our daughter's expensive weddings and dresses and have given them loads of hand outs along the way. My eldest is now living in a 5 bed brand new house with her partner and is reasonably sensible with money, the youngest is in a nice 4 bed with her hubby and children. Being entirely open and always generous has kept the peace, thankfully neither of my girls are avaricious anyway. I completely understand why your parents have given your brother a deposit at this time in his life as he probably would seriously struggle to get on the housing market without it. You have made that leap and are getting a nice bit of cash to spend as you see fit. I am struggling to understand the subtext here, don't you want your brother to do well? If the cash was equal it may not be enough to get him a deposit maybe? I note that you mention that he spent time and money living his life, well, that was his choice admittedly and he didn't know that some time in the future he would get parental help did he? I think your parents should have been honest with you, without doubt. Do you think the shares would have been acceptable in that case? As a final comment from me, it's a bit of a nice problem to have - getting a windfall, what a shame it has been received (and managed by your family) so badly.

I do wish your parents had talked to you and explained the reasons why they have chosen to give unequally. I also wish they had not covered up their actions with a lie. Probably they do not wish to hurt you but can see your brother's need. Yes, I can see why you are hurt for more than the obvious reasons.
I am torn as to if you should say anything to your parents because I don't know enough about you or them. Was your brother told to keep the amount of his gift quiet? Such a difficult situation caused by a lack of open discussion between you all. They maybe cannot afford to treat you equally at this time. I doubt it's a sign of unequal love. They have chosen the wrong way to go about preventing hurt. I hope you manage to resolve this issue without family fall out.

I can totally understand how you feel. My mother left myself and my sister hugely different amounts. My mother was manipulated by my sister over several years and changed her will 18 months before she died ( previously it was shared 50/50) which I didn't find out about till after her death. The lies that were also told defy belief, but as I didn't know, there was only ever one side of the story and I could not put my side forward, so convenient for my sister Myself and my family broke off having anything to do with my sister and her family because of the undescribable hurt this caused us. There is much more I could say and there is much much more to my story but u have my deepest sympathy