Unequal gift

Maybe your parents knew you'd be upset to know your brother had been given more, and that's why they said you were being given the same amount.

Is it the fact that they weren't honest with you that upsets you the most, or the fact that your brother received more?

I am certain it is the fact that your parents chose to lie to you that is making you feel less loved. Think, if your parents had come to you and said they had come into some money and wanted to give you both some help but give your brother a little more so he could get a house but would even it up in their will, would you feel ok about that? I really want to know because I am in a similar position but in reverse. My eldest 2 children are both buying a home. My dd I have helped a lot with childcare coasts so she could go back to work full time. I have helped out twice by contributing to the childcare. My ds1 realised he could not afford to buy a house here so moved up North and has bought a 2 bed terraced. He has a job there too and is happy there with friends close by. Dh and I gave him £8,500 towards deposit. My youngest son earns less and is single and has been saving hard for over 2 years but is beginning to get depressed as in that time house prices in our area where he wants to stay and has his friends and job are going up quicker than he can save. He is saving £7,000 each year. So each year he sees a house getting further out of his reach. Dh has suggested we sell him one of our btl houses a 2 bedroom quad house with a big garden, at the price we paid 15 years ago. This would give him £70k equity. We would have to pay capital gains of £28k between us but we would have enough left to buy another btl to replace income stream if repaid interest only. We have spoken to youngest son and asked if he would like us to do that and he is over the moon but will have to wait until October so he can utilise his LISA. I have told him we will be adjusting our will so he gets £70k less than his siblings. He is happy with that. I had the difficult conversation with his 2 siblings and they both said that was fair. They understand he needs help and they both have houses albeit with a mortgage. How would you feel if your parents had said this to you instead of lying to you? we love all our children the same and have tried to help each out when we can. Youngest has not had help before and did not say a word when we helped out his sister with childcare fees or his brother with deposit.

No I can't think this is fair. You should both get an equal amount. Your parents lying about it means they know its unfair and are trying to hide it.
I'm sorry but I would have to talk to them about it. Although it is possible the extra your brother is getting could be a loan.

My Mum asked me what i thought about leaving different amounts to my sister and I before she died. My sister is well off and i am not. I asked her not to do this and to leave us the same, i knew it would cause upset and a sense of unfairness to my sister. I fully understand how upset you must feel x

You have a house and he doesn’t. They are no doubt wanting to make sure that you both have financial security. Stuff happens. I am the eldest of 2 sisters born 14 years apart. My parents were poor when I was born and my Dad worked 3 jobs and my Mum in a shop to get the deposit together to buy a house. We lived with Grandparents until then. No frills for me. Just basics, but I was happy and had what I needed. 14 years later and they were better off when my sister arrives. She went skiing with the school, on a school cruise, had private music lessons etc. Did I resent it? No, because I had what I needed when I needed it. Have you ‘gone short’ of stuff when you needed it? If not, be generous with your attitude towards your parents and brother. Cash does not equal love.

Be grateful, not many people are left money of any amount and in this climate any 'found' money i.e. extra should be welcomed. Be pleased for your brother that he can now have a house, stop feeling hard done by.

It's not the unequal amount that would bother me but the reason and deceit behind it. I would have to ask parents about this or else relationships would be soured evermore. It's a risk to do this so think very carefully about how to approach them. As a bit of a cop out/compromise maybe your brother could ask the question saying you'd mentioned the amount you had recv'd and he wondered why the difference?

Gigi1975 What a pity that is the case but how I totally understand how you feel and know for sure I would feel exactly the same. The lying is disappointing from ones parents, I would have to say something or it would eat me up forever. I would however leave it for a while so you do not say things you regret. Let your feelings settle for a while before you speak with your parents, write it all down a few times to see if the disappointment lessens and then perhaps you can discuss it in a very calm and constructive manner. Good luck

I understand how you feel. Over twenty years ago my parents and my sister & family both sold the houses they were in and bought one together. My parents gave all the equity they made to the new shared house. My Mum told me that when anything happened to them, I would get half that amount. She even told me it was put into a Will. I never got anything in writing. She died seven years ago. My Dad still lives in the shared house with my Sister. A couple of years ago I mentioned it to my Dad. He thought it was hilarious and asked where did I think the money would come from? I told him Mum had said my Sister would have to sell the house, or get a loan (I was sceptical about that at the time). He laughed again, told me he didn't know what my Mum was talking about. He also told me they'd never made a Will. I was devastated. I was upset at the time of them buying the house - a fact they kept from me until it was nearly built - because I was always in a bad way financially and could really have done with the same help on several occasions. The house is now worth a lot more than the price they paid, but I get nothing. I am angry, hurt, upset and bitter about it all. Of course, I know I'm not 'entitled' to anything, anyone can do what they want with their money, but the worst thing of all is that my Mum lied to me about it all and it's sullied my feelings for her. I suggest you either speak to your parents, or let it go, because the only one bothered by this is you. Don't let it consume you.

I think its sad your parents are not being honest but I think you are being a bit childish wanting them to give you equal amounts. It is their money to do what they want with and if that is t help their son on the property ladder then why not. You as you have said already have a house.

I think all children should be treated the same regardless of status , life is full of peaks and troughs . We gave our eldest son an amount of money towards his deposit and when our other two sons are going to buy property they will get exactly the same amount .
You may have scripted and scraped to buy your home without the help at the time because funds weren't there to help you , you may like to move to a bigger place in the future .
I think all children should be treated fairly .
I've just been told by a family member that i won't be left anything if they pass before me because apparently i don't need it . Another family member will get my share. Smoked , drank , didn't manage finances well and made no provision for her old age . I worked , struggled in equal measure and scripted and scraped . Never took or expected anything from anyone .
Strange how people manage to get all and how other people view things .

I do feel for you, and I think it's the lie, with no proper explanation of their choice that has hurt. I have given my children differing amounts of money, (and time, looking after their children) because two did not need it, as they had resources coming from their in-laws, but one did. I feel this was the right choice. As children are growing up they have differing needs, as parents we try to supply what's necessary, and it's not always the same. I've tried to be clear about my motives, but I'm sure I haven't always got it right. If anyone is unhappy/feels mistreated I would far rather they told me, and so I think (hope!) you may feel better if you ask to discuss this. Yes, of course it is 'their money', but I would say it's not so much the money as the motives behind it. You are only human, and clearly they are uneasy in some way, or they would not have lied. Good luck1

My DH has two brothers. The oldest is very wealthy indeed through hard work and good luck. The other 2 are much less well off. When their father died without leaving a will his estate was divided equally between the brothers. The younger ones insisted on this.

I disagree. You can't see the future, the "needy" child may become well off in later life and the"comfortably off" one may get ill, or their partner may, for example, and/or lose their job.
I've known so many friends who came out "short-changed" in their family inheritance and they always feel it. One said to me "I worked hard, never asked for any money, helped my Mom when she was sick, and what does she do? Leaves everything to my brother and sister." Brother and sister are since dead, childless and penniless. She has two children and is separated from the father who has not been that good paying up his dues. My point is, you never know.

We have had something similar happen in our family. It has caused massive fallout and upset. This is because it was done sneakily behind backs and dare I say it out of sheer spite. Unless people are prepared to be open and honest and justify why there is unequal division, whether fair or not, it is surely better to treat everyone the same.

If you don't need it, then ask yourself why you feel like this. When my mom died she left everything to my brother as she knew I was financially sound. No resentment.

Absolutely unfair, to lie. And to give unequal amounts. However it is your parents money and they know you and your siblings best. None of us here can judge really.

Gwyneth

I think your parents should have been honest and explained why they were giving you both different amounts. Personally I would have to treat my children exactly the same regardless of their current financial circumstances.

This is how we/I have dealt with money. To say that a child who already has a house etc should get less is almost like punishing them for their hard work, unless there are other imbalances to be remedied.

My issue is that the parents lied. They need not have said anything, and just gave you the money. Also - how did your brother find out the sums were unequal? If he really wants to do the just thing he would not ask you to wait... but remember that the donation could have not been given at all... unless it had been an inheritance.

I would guess that your parents, with all good intentions have worked out the share according to what they see as need.
Your brother doesn't own his own house and you do, so why should you be upset that they choose to help him ?
If you came into some money, would you not want to help your brother out too ?
I think that you are reading too much into this, you have obviously been doing fairly well for yourself - have you been working in a job or jobs that have been better paid than your brother's have been that enabled you to be able to get a mortgage and buy your own home when your brother hasn't?
I think you should be beyond the "I want what he wants" and "It isn't fair" stage in your life quite honestly, harsh as it may seem. Just be thankful that your parents have been able to help your brother and make sure that you buy something worthwhile with your share.

We have FIVE children between us, we have been uneven in our financial support because our daughter went to Uni and due to a combination of her course and anxiety didn’t work through so we helped her a lot with living expenses as she only got minimal student loan. However we ALWAYS without fail spend an equal amount on birthday and Christmas and when giving money, small or not so small amounts have always treated them as equality as possible. We gave wills which split what little inheritance we might leave them equally, even though some have much better paid jobs than others

My almost DIL has lived off her parents for many years and they have told her that when their estate is divided between her and her brother she will get 40% and he 60% as she has had a large share already. It’s seems a pity your parents cannot explain to you. How would it be if you spoke to them (calmly!) and acknowledged what they are doing and say you understand why ……….you have a property and your brother doesn’t - it might open communication channels ………

Did your parents actually say the amounts are the same? Seems like a daft lie that could almost instantly be found out. If they did, perhaps it was because they had an inkling you would react as you have done. Your brother has done a decent thing in offering to make up the difference anyway. Maybe your parents will adjust their will accordingly anyway? Money matters in families are rarely easy but how about appreciating that they’re giving you anything at all?

One of my daughters works in banking with bonuses while another works for the NHS and the third is a teacher but as I don’t know their futures, eg lost of partner or other turn of events, they will receive the same amount. However, if they have a need now and I can help they can have a some of their inheritance earlier.

Personally, I’d have to let them know I know. I’d feel the same as you. It wouldn’t be as bad if they were open about it and explained why.