Unequal gift

Going against the grain, I feel it is very unfair to give unequal amounts, and to lie about it is terrible.
One may not have a house but it does not mean the one that has is weathy, he/she may have worked very hard for it and may not have much cash left over.
I will give equal amounts to my children, although on the face of it one is more successful and earns alot more, her outgoings do not leave her with much over.
I just want to be fair.

As an only child, I never had this problem myself. We try to make all our children the same but I must admit one does get more help with money and things for their children.
They all know though and we are encouraged by the better off to do so.
I would be hurt if I was told it was a 50/50 split only to find this was not true. Don't blame your brother at least he has told you

I'd be annoyed as well, Gigi1975

We came into some money and decided to give all 5 of ours some cash. Our son is worth more than all of us put together but we gave him the exact same as we did the others.

Can't do it any other way.

I understand how you feel, Gigil. If you have bought your house with money you worked for, and your brother has spent his earnings on other things, it is very unfair to 'equalise' you in this way. My parents didn't do anything quite so blatant, but did help out my sister, who chose not to work after having her children, but didn't see me as 'needing' the money as I worked when mine were young, so didn't do the same for me.

They were right that I didn't 'need' it, but if my sister had felt that she and her family were in 'need', she could have gone to work, like I did. Buying her things that I had worked for, because she 'needed' them and I had them was hurtful, as it made a mockery of my going to work. Or so it felt, anyway.

Sibling rivalry is always tricky to unravel, but I think it was the implicit judgement of our respective life choices that hurt, and this is possibly what is hurting you, too? I still find it difficult when people see fit to decide what others 'need', as it is (beyond basic survival) a very subjective concept.

I keep my two equal, even as adults, and unless one needed to be bailed out of jail, or there were some other expensive but unplanned eventuality, I will continue to do so, and even if one is a billionaire when I die, they will get the same as the other in my will. I would hope that they would come to an arrangement with their sibling in that event, but that would be their own decision.

Thank you MerylStreep.
Ours is a sad reason - a few untimely deaths in an already small family means that there is a lot in trust for one GC.Mercifully they still have both parents and us.

Please do not feel down by this. If your parents are anything like us we have helped our three as and when. It has never been at the same time either. We just help when needed by whoever. It is what parents do. I am 100% sure your parents would jump in to help you if needed.

Equal treatment for me. My sister and I were both put out when we had saved hard for our own homes and young brother got a lot of help for his first home. Parents were misguided though as he divorced 6 years later and she took him for half the value of the house.

I think its often quite difficult to treat all children the same money wise. My daughter got married 5 years ago and had a very expensive wedding we gave her a very large sum of money towards it. My son had just come off working on the cruise ships for a number of years, was living at home and had a low income. He didn’t say anything about the money for the wedding and was grateful for our support me back to cooking, washing, ironing for him. Last year he was in a much better financial position but hadn’t managed to save enough for a deposit to buy a property. We gave him a similar sum of money as the wedding towards a deposit. My daughter hasn’t stopped saying that if he gets married she hopes we don’t give him anything. ?‍♀️ We just feel we like to help our children as much as possible but it can’t always be at the same time.

One if my sons was given a large deposit but the will was rewritten so that will be taken into account later.

@nannagarra I think a lot of what you said is feeling accurate. I’ve always been very financially independent since I left home. I’ve made choices sometimes that I’ve not always loved but I’ve known it’s the sensible thing to do. My brother has never managed his money well and has chose to spend it on activities and holidays rather than housing. I suppose it just feels unfair and without having been given this information from them that has knocked the wind of my sails a bit. I also think as much as we very much need the money I almost wish I wasn’t getting it in this way. It’s taken any joy out of it for me.

It's kind of your brother to say he'll make it up Gigi1975 but really he shouldn't have to do that as it's not his decision. Perhaps your parents will adjust their will to right the balance, who knows? We've given some of our AC money as they needed it, and circumstances change so quickly (one just separated from a high-earning spouse) but it will be balanced up and explained in our will.
Also I'm not sure why they would stipulate they are giving him money for a house deposit when your money seems condition-free. I think Peasblossom has hit the nail on the head when she says siblings equate money left to them to love. This once again reinforces your feeling that you are the 'less favoured one'. You can ask them, or you can decide they can do what they want with their money, but try not to dwell on it. Lots of wise GN's have previously pointed out that it's not what people do but how you react to it that's important.

My in-laws did exactly the same with their youngest hence my answer:
- a desire to make their AC equal in having houses as one more step towards independence and stability.
- recognition of one AC’s financial need whilst overlooking what the other AC has had to do to get to the same point.
- acknowledgement of your financial independence whereas your brother is not yet at this stage.
- perception of income. You do say you appear to be better off. Giving the wealthier daughter less puts her brother on a par.
- acknowledgement of personal circumstances. Are you married? Will your brother be the sole contributor to his mortgage?
Remember, these were the factors behind my in-laws’ decisions. I don’t think like this at all.

I suspect they love you equally, and they want to use money to make you equal. Maybe this is rooted in comparative success?

Open discussion is needed, no matter how difficult. Don’t let it fester.

This is more about the hurt than the money I think. It was unwise of your parents to give more to your brother than to you without an explanation.
Money should always be split equally and it's understandable that you feel your brother is the favourite.

I can understand giving more to one than the other, when the need is greatest on one side, but what would stick in my craw would be if my parents lied to me about it.

You have said that your brother has told you that he would even it up when he can afford it. But I must say in yur position your parent's lying would upset me too. Can you ask them why?

I agree with Gwenth my family have always had the same.

Good for you Dibbydod. I hope things improve with your DD.

I have 1 adult son & 1 adult daughter . My daughter has chosen not to speak to me for the past two years and I don’t know if she ever will , which hurts me badly, but even so, I still maintain that everything I own will be shared equally between them both , because at the end of the day , they are both my children and love them both equally. So yes ,*Gigil 975* I do understand where your coming from .

To me the lying is the issue here. They should take responsibility for their decision and explain it openly to both of you.

You are responsible for how you to respond to their explanation but I can understand why you feel upset without any explanation of their decision. I don't think equal shares is a given if circumstances are different but I do think honesty should be a given.

Your brother sounds great BTW

I think different circumstances may prevail here. I have a younger son who I have helped more financially as he’s on his own. But saying that I will try and even it up sometime in the near future.

I can see both sides, he needs it more than you but I do understand that you would think it unfair.

I can also see why you were not told, your parents would not want to upset you but recognise that your brother's need would be more important than you feeling slighted.

I think that if you do not talk to them it will become a resentment, maybe just say that you know he has been given more and you understand the reasoning but are upset that they could not have told you.

May I suggest you just ask them their reasoning as it may be very simple. I have chosen not to leave my house to my son but half to be split to my granddaughters for when they are older. This is to protect their inheritance in the event my son has financial problems or a marriage breakdown or makes a bad financial decision that leaves his children without an inheritance. His own biological father made no provision for him and he would have had nothing and no support in life had his step Dad not been the wonderful Dad he was. Both he and I were by- passed by our own parents monetarily and in support in life. We both took ourselves through University and bought our homes and paid for our wedding. We wanted our son and grandchildren to benefit. My husband passed away unable to meet his grandchildren but I can ensure they know their grandad made provision for them and some for their Daddy. Your parents may have some reason to their madness as you see it even if you don’t like it. Just a suggestion

I think you have to talk to them about the way it’s made you feel.
They may have their own reasons that they believe are right.

We had a similar situation where a grandparent left two of my children unequal amounts and the third nothing. But we knew why he he did it and that nothing would change his old fashioned way of thinking. So we could accept it was his money to do as he wished.

It might heal some of the hurt if you knew that unequal money didn’t mean unequal love.

Equal share for my 3 children, though they have different circumstances, not vastly different, but certainly different. My daughter is divorced, but she will get no more, no less. As has been said, no one knows the future…..their circumstances may change. So they will get the same, except my jewellery, which will go to my daughter. My d.I.ls will get their mothers’ jewellery - that’s my justification

Could your parents intend to balance it up later when other money becomes available? Do they know how much your mortgage is or could they be under a misapprehension about how much of the house you actually own?

I agree Gigi and circumstances do change for people. It can also cause some resentment between siblings too. My parents left myself and my brothers equal shares and as I said earlier I am doing the same for my children.