I feel a Burden

Were the counselling sessions close together and all a bit much?
Maybe going fortnightly would give you time to process your thoughts before the next session. Someone I know found that beneficial.

TheodoraP sorry for your loss . It can't be easy. Your son is obviously close and he cares about you. You aren't a burden, he loves you and he hates seeing you sad and lonely. Have you thought about some kind of bereavement group (I assume there are such things) or W.I. type of group? Easy for me to say, I suppose, as I've still got my husband - but I had a stroke last year and have felt a burden to him and my sons. x

Theodora from what you have said on other threads, your husband died quite recently.

I think you have an urealistic expectation of how long the grieving period can be, especially after a long and happy marriage, and you are trying to second guess how long people expect your recovery will take. You are also assuming that they will expext a quick recovery. Actually I very much doubt if that is what they are thinking, what they want is for you to concentrate on yourself and how you feel, instead of worrying about others.

I suspect, also, that you have always been the kind of person who rallys round and helps other people, always a giver and that you are now finding it very difficult to be a taker.

So, I am with others, go back to therapy and instead of doing it thinking how soon you can stop doing it and cease being a burden, try and think about how long you will need it to come to terms with your grief.

You were obvious a good and loving mother, with a son that appreciates it, which means, knowing how much you have done for him in your life, he is glad to have a chance to show that by helping you when you are dragged down with grief.

The best thing you can do is accept everything he offers and use it to your best advantage, istead of thinking how soon can you discard it.

This the point when you need to take rather than give, accept that a loss like yours takes a long time to recover from, even partially and willingly accept all the help you are offered. Take little steps, and slowly and you will bit by bit recover. Expect to be back to normal next week and your unrealistic hopes will make life more difficult for everyone.

I am very sorry for your sad loss .

Of course ,you aren't a burden to your son .
You brought him up and he loves you .

Therapy is a great idea and maybe join some new distracting activities and meet other ladies ,who are also grieving .

I can only echo what others have said please continue with the therapy if you can, twice will not have been nearly enough please don’t underestimate what a change and a loss like this can do to you Therapy will help you grieve in a positive way You owe it to your son to try and help yourself through this very different and difficult stage in life
Do take care of yourself and give that lovely son a big cuddle for being so kind and caring

My Mum is 87 and was widowed in 2016, my darling Dad was the most wonderful caring husband and father.

I’m an only child and still working full time with four adult children, I am my Mum’s primary carer and she’s housebound and only lives a few streets away.

We all visit, we all help, she is NEVER a burden though sometimes is very trying ! Never feel you’re a burden ! Everyday my Mum tells me how sorry she is I’m lumbered with her ! She’s not a burden and I’m not lumbered ! Good luck xx

Maybe there is room for a little compromise here. Speak to your son and tell him that although you feel you need to step back from therapy for now, you will listen to him if he feels that you are going backwards. That way, you will take the pressure off him. Or, make an appointment for 6 weeks time for a debrief which will give you time to know if you have stopped too soon.
From my point of view, if I thought that it would make my son feel more comfortable, would take the pressure off him with a young wife plus children and it wouldn't do me any harm, I'd keep seeing the therapist for a few more sessions. It would be my way of saying thank you for his selfless help. What's the worst that could happen? You might learn a bit more about yourself and find it easier to cope.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope the path will get easier for you.

Grief and mourning take time and many people find talking to a counsellor/therapist is helpful though it may mean looking at painful feelings. It's worth persisting with the therapist (or finding another one).

Continue to see the therapist… minimum of 6 appointments is the norm in NHS. It does help long term

You ar SO very lucky to have the support of your son !!! Since I was widowed I have nobody ...not complaining, just the way it is BUT I think it makes a difference if you have no one ....because you just HAVE to get on with it !!1 some days are hard, tasks are hard but that is how it is always going to be ! Get out, join clubs and things (I know that is what everybody says but it helps ) I go everywhere ...out to lunch, dinner, concerts, theatres (now they are thankfully open again !) travelling, walking, all on my own ....on a day when I have nothing specific to do I just get on a bus (bus pass ! wonderful !) and I can go to the coast, the city, just watch the scenery go by and people watch ! End up goodness knows where ...somewhere I have never been before but I know there will be people to ask if I get lost,cafes to go in, different things to see .....the coast, the countryside ...its brilliant ! Yes, I even go to Jazz club in the village where I live ...I sit on my own, but hey, I would be sat on my own at home anyway, so no difference ! My only real complaint is most people are in two's which means at a busy lunchtime etc one of them is saving a table so I cannot get a table and therefore have to try to find somewhere else, which is often no easy .........my only complaint ! PLEASE don't do it !!!!! Good luck .....do try to get out !

I think that your son would certainly feel happier if you continued to see your therapist and if you continue, it will take some of that weight of his shoulders that you are so worried about.
Having a third person to help you to work through your grief, can only be a good thing, surely ? It's a slow process, not to be dealt with in just a couple of sessions.
If you stop now, believe me , it may well rebound on you in the future unexpectedly. I know, it happened to me after the death of my mum and then later when one of my best friends, who had been like a second mum to me. I stopped grief counselling to look after my dad and felt guilty that I was a burden to my son, who was in his late teens at the time and had had to grow up extra quickly and help to look after his other grandparent while I was at work.

You dont sound like you are being a burden but I would say if you are offered help/support/tea and sympathy you need to accept all of it.

My mother moans about everything yet wont accept simple resolutions to her issues.

Please continue with the therapy. It is very early days and yes it will pass, but not yet! Your son is being wonderful and supportive so continuing therapy would help him as well .
Good luck and don’t be frightened to grieve. It is all part of the process.

So sorry for your tremendous loss.
Your son sounds incredibly caring and practical.
I agree with many other posters - he really wants to help and support you. However he also has his own loss to come to terms with and a family to care for.
I’m thinking that while you’re seeing a therapist regularly, it’s easing his mind and worries for you a little.
So continuing with the therapy may be equally good for you and him? It’s taking some of his strain and putting it into the hands of the therapist?
Wishing you every good thought that you’ll get through this dreadful time.

Yes, I agree with others. Two sessions is not nearly enough. If you don't want to burden your son with the full load of your grief and all that is challenging after the loss of a life long relationship, then you need to look to other areas in life for support as well. There are all sorts of organisations that offer support. It's also important to realise that no one else can take away the pain of loss and it will take time. Feel the feelings as much as you can...and that's where a counsellor or therapist can be a huge support. Cruse can be very helpful... it's what they do. www.cruse.org.uk and it's right... this too shall pass, but how long it takes is different for everyone.And when you are in the depth of the process it can seem like the pain will never end. It will! Sending you a cyber hug!

So sorry TheodoraP.
I am on the opposite side to you. My father recently passed, leaving my mum on her own. Like your son I call and do a lot for her because I want to help in anyway I can. Don't feel guilty about being a burden, because you aren't. This is your son's way of showing his love and compassion for you, as I do for my mum. My mum is constantly apologising for me helping, but this is so wrong, I help because I want to.

"I have always tried to be a strong person" and thus seeing a therapist may have felt very strange for you? You could be my Mum talking - it took me months to get her to a bereavement counsellor and meanwhile I worried about her constantly. When she finally agreed to go, I felt that a weight had been lifted off my shoulders but she only went for 4 sessions (all she would say is "it's not going to bring your Dad back"). Then I took her to the GP who prescribed anti-depressants. I tried to encourage her to join other groups but she would get very angry with me so in the end, I backed off and (unknown to me) she started heavy drinking which led to an accident, and her death. If you REALLY want to be less of a burden to him, then yes share your need for support around as many people and groups as you can - including going back to counselling. I'm sure that he will breathe a sigh of relief too.

I'd hate to go to therapy and think if you want to stop, whether for now or completely, you should. Your son wouldn't want you to do it for him if you are not comfortable going again. You say he has a new baby. Do you get much chance to see your grandchild? I think being with a new baby, maybe taking it for a walk in the push chair so the mum can have a rest, would be enjoyable and then you are helping, not a burden. Maybe they could have an evening out and you could babysit? Or a lunch, when you could enjoy a little time with your grandchild if they are awake.

I know it is hard to go out alone and do things, even if you did before your husband died. Sometimes an interest group is a good way to start. Maybe there is something you'd like to do, walking with a group, a book club, etc. U3A are usually very welcoming and have a variety of activities. I'd prefer those to therapy and doing one might reassure your son. I hope things calm down for you. It takes as long as it takes. Another help might be a kitten or puppy? All the best.

So sorry for your loss. It is a very difficult time and your son sounds wonderful.
I’m trying to be that person too. My 93 year old dad was widowed last November. He is generally in good health but hates being on his own. I work full time and live 100 miles away but try to get there every other weekend and ring him every day. My children live further away but still visit as often as they can.
But he refuses to engage with anyone/anything that doesn’t involve me and makes me feel very guilty if I can’t get down to visit. I know it’s awful and he’s missing mum dreadfully but I’m at a loss really now.
I’m sure that your counselling sessions will be a great help and really hope that you can access more. Wishing you all the best xx

Hi I lost my husband in 2017 and felt exactly like you re being a burden. I wanted to try and do things myself however I did begin to realise that my children helping and supporting me was helping them too. Your son probably needs to be with you etc And actually as mum's isn't that we would do be there for them .

If you haven't seen a therapist before then you will be finding this an extra hard thing to do at a time you are vulnerable and overwhelmed. When seeing a therapist it brings up painful emotions and new thoughts and it is hard work to do the work each day as well as the talking with the therapist. Perhaps it is too soon for you to do this and feels too much to you? Why exactly do you think you wanted to stop seeing the therapist? Was it too much? Do you not feel worth it? Do you feel ok? What was your thinking around it? Do you have any friends at all? Start to spend time with them and maybe join a U3A group...something light like poetry or theatre trips perhaps......join a church...do stuff....you don't have to be the life and soul of the party but start to create new positive paths...Your son (presumably) lost his dad remember...what are you doing to support him? What are you doing to be a help and support to the mother of your grandchildren? Start to be useful and reach out to others....gently does it and be good to yourself...but small steps to move forwards.....engage with today..this hour...and make it better...This grief will pass ...it really will!

So very sorry for your loss. You said you think your son is extra worried because you have decided to stop seeing therapist so why stop? Unless it's that you can't afford to continue then do carry on for a few more sessions. It seems it will help your son and may well be beneficial for you.
I agree with others that you are lucky to have such a wonderful son.

Just a thought, maybe instead of your son visiting you, you could go to his house sometimes, it might be a help to him and you DiL, particularly with the new baby, it would take you out of your environment for a while and help you all with the grieving process.

Just had to reply to say what a wonderful son you seem to have. Very thoughtful re Therapist as he must have sensed talking outside the family helps put a differing perspective on things. I too have a wonderful son who talks a lot of sense. I don’t live in his pocket but do rely on him occasionally to bring me into reality ! My advice would be to continue on with Therapist even as someone else said - just however many times you feel your need.... and do enjoy that new baby !

I’m so sorry for your loss. I used to be a bereavement counsellor within a charity and found there was no typical number of sessions . Some people just need to offload for a couple of sessions and others find they need much longer. I think the most important point is that you feel ready for counselling as it can be painful . It sounds as if you need more time to process what’s happened before you are able to work on the feelings of loss and grief. Don’t give up totally on counselling but only go back when you feel ready . You are lucky to have a child who cares so much but unfortunately he can’t make you feel better when you are so deeply grieving. It is a cliche but time will help a bit to come to terms with your new ‘normal’. Take care of yourself.