How old are you?

I will be 69 in June and thoughts of death aren't new to me. I have thought about the subject, off and on, since I was in my 20s. Strangely, it troubles me less at this stage, when it's creeping up on me, than it did when I was young.

I feel pretty old, because the arthritis in my knees is so bad that I can hardly walk. I was really made aware of my mortality five years ago when I had to have an operation for a strangulated parastomal hernia, and was told that there was a strong chance that I wouldn't survive as I had heart problems as well. One of the medical staff tried twice to persuade me that it would be better to "let nature take its course." Sod that, I thought, I'll chance it. It was a bad experience, though, and I felt like I was dying during my stay in ICU after the op.

It's not really my death that worries me, it's my fear of losing my husband. He's three years older than me and was always healthy until last year, when he developed a lung condition which might be asthma but might not. We'll probably end up having to go private to get a diagnosis, as everything takes so long now on the NHS. Whatever it is, it has made him feel constantly ill and I am scared about it getting worse. I feel like, as you get older, it's like you and your partner are running towards the edge of a cliff and it's a question of who is going to fall first.

Yes, I am a little ray of sunshine!

My mum died when she was 73 and I can't shake the feeling that I will go at the same age. My family say it is completely illogical and I know they're right, but even so...

71 and I am living not existing. I hated being 65 for some reason but I cherish every day now. Dying frightens me but I don’t dwell on it I don’t want to leave my daughter and friends tbh.
I try to take a day at a time and welcome any offer that comes my way if it is feasible. The past two years have taught me that we have no idea what is round the corner so we must embrace everything.

I'm 64 but feel 35 until I catch sight of myself in the mirror. I know some people who were "old" at 30.
My lovely next door neighbour died about 10 years ago at the age of 89. She was my best friend despite our almost 40 year age difference. She was young at heart, great company and never feared death or age. I hope to have the same outlook on life as I get older.

GardenofEngland. So sorry to hear the sad situation with your husband. Reflect on your birthday of all the happy times.
Blessings.

Bijou! You are amazing! You will be 100 all going well! Then you will receive your Birthday recognition from the Queen! You have seen such a large slice of life. It looks like you may be our most senior member! I am so happy for you. Congratulations for living such a long life. You could tell some stories!

Bijou - so glad that you're still here. And still able to do the things you do to stay independent.
What do you think are the benefits of a long life?

I`m 78, not far off 79. I have 5 children, the eldest, who is disabled, lives with me. I have mobility problems, and am ashamed to say that since my husband died, 5 and a half years ago, I`ve felt trapped here with my daughter. I often wish I could go to bed and not wake up in the morning. I`m not scared of dying, just don`t want it to be painful. I`ve just realised how selfish all that sounds.

I saw this thread just as I was feeling very depressed at hitting 70 next week

I feel and think young ....i'm just an aging hippy.

My dh suddenly died 5 years ago at 69, my dad was 66, so I'm very aware of the passing of time.

My daughter wants to arrange a Sunday lunch outing next week with my son and gc, but I feel like burying myself away until it's all over. I really hate birthdays now and I'm usually quite a cheerful positive woman.

I’m 66, happily retired at the end of last year. I do have a health condition, which sometimes drags me down. But I think I’ve got 20 years left. DH has dementia, which is hard to cope with. But as a family unit, I have 2 AC still living with us and a GS. Having a house full, I feel very lucky. Although I would have liked my AC to have homes of there own, it hasn’t worked out that way.
I also have an estranged son, and although at the time and for a long time after I was heartbroken. I am thankful for my family and friends that make me realise I’m not that bad.

I feel exactly the same as you,I'm 59 & have recently lost 2 people very suddenly without any warning & some nights I wake up feeling like I'm having a panic attack worrying about thefuture. I do a lot of mindfulness & meditation which helps & try to keep my head in the present,but can't help wishing time would slow down.

I suffer from ill health and at 66 i am starting to think about how long i will live for. My greatest wish is to see my 4 year old grandson grow up. I probably wont see great grandchildren but he is the greatest joy in my life and i want to remain in his life for as long as possible. It really does make you think about how fast time flies.

I am nearly 81 and definitely not as lively as I once was. Last August I had a seizure after a straight forward operation. ( Low sodium plus a general anaesthetic and then drinking too much water in order to do a wee). Ended up in ITU but apparently had to be resuscitated and was unconscious and on ventilator etc for three days. I was convinced I was watching a film on the internet. The commentator was saying that “this is a true story about a woman who lives in …… I saw my dh and daughter upset and crying. The “video” went on and I kept saying I don’t want to watch this any more. It appeared to show signs of ending but then seemed to start again. I said some stupid things like “I haven’t had an operation” and that there was a picture of the hospital with a big cross next to it. Not to go there!!! There was no pain and thought if that is what dying is like then it’s not too bad.?.

I'm 65 next month - going to Claridges for afternoon tea with my family to celebrate!

I don't want to die but I don't suppose being dead will be worse for me than for any of the other millions of dead - and I wasn't unhappy before I was born, so I suppose I will be ok when I am dead.

I'm 73 and don't usually think about it. I've just spent five nights camping in a Viking village with my local group. Possibly a bit daft at my age.

Late 50's, mother has dementia and I just feel what's the poibt, don't want to be too old and have dementia. It's a horrible condition. I'd rather die in my prime.

I turned 70 in January, I am really pleased to hear other views on this subject. Since being 70 I am quite healthy but feel really old, I cannot believe how time is flying by. I am really frightened of death, I have a death phobia that I have had since I was 16. I seem to think about it everyday just lately. In the pastI used to have horrendous panic attacks. If anyone has any advice to give me I would be very grateful.

I am 76 years old , had cancer 20 years ago and managed to get through that, but now have cancer for a second time, but my bad back causes me more everyday problems, and the lack of sleep tends to take its toll. My husband died over 4 years ago and I moved to this ground floor flat last year. Mentally I dont feel much different to 40 years ago, but of course physically do have some problems, but I try to go swimming twice a week, which is both exercise and helps my back and also lets me meet others. I still drive and am happy to go anywhere , love to see the yellow garden book gardens and the nat trust and rhs gardens when I am up to it. Sing in two choirs, involved in Swaledale festival , very keen reader , follow mastermind and only connect and have just taken up learning Bridge. I seem to work on a basis that the future goes on and on, when I think of what I would like to do, but my physical self frustrates me sometimes, when I cant do things on my own. Am very independant and hope to do my own thing as long as possible and hope that I can live here for as long as possible listening to my opera and at least when you are on your own you can make your own choice in things like when and what you eat and where you go. I have loved my family and been happy to share and do things others wanted to do rather than my choice, but now I am making that a plus that as I am on my own, if I am awake at 5am, I go out quietly not to disturb neighbours but it can be lovely to be out early in the morning and have the place to myself . One bad patch with my back I made the best of a bad job by arriving at the seaside by about 7am, and enjoyed the beach to myself and listened to birds etc and then came home about lunchtime feeling I had had the best of the day. wont always be like this I know but for now keeping going.

I lost my husband at 28. Quite suddenly I have had stage 3 cancer at 60 and am now 67 every day I worry will it come back will I get weaker and be a burden. I’m looking after 90 year old mother who constantly nags and puts me down so I can’t go and do what I would like to do in my older years. Yes I do wonder where it will end so I bury my head in a book or film each day and live my life through fiction sad isn’t it

Lovely post franbern.

madeline45 I love your post so not feeling sorry for yourself. It puts me to shame. Well done. Hope you go on enjoying life for many years yet c

At the beginning of May I shall be 78. Yes, I can get quite morose about death and how my end will be.Most of the time inside me is about 55, the outside tells a different tale. This year I shall probably be having an operation, but only if the surgeon is confident about it. My main fear is being a living cabbage, as such I shall have DNR in my notes.

Madeleine45 you are an inspiration.

I too think about dying, how it will happen as well as not being alive any longer. I feel sad that I won't be there to see my children and grandchildren. That makes me very sad.
I believe in God and that helps. But I am only human.
I try not to think about it too much because there's no point. It won't change anything.
I think of how lucky I have been to live to this age and to have had all the wonderful times with all my family. Many people aren't so lucky. And just try to make the most of each day.
MooMoo I'm sorry you find it so difficult. I think talking to someone about your fears might help.

Bijou

I shall be 99 next month. Lost my beloved husband 34 years ago. Have been alone since. Travelled abroad alone until my early 80s. Live alone with an hour’s help each morning Do my own cooking. Had cancer twice, Mobility problems because of osteoarthritis in knees.

??????

I’ll be 70 next year and have been seriously ill several times.

What I have noticed this year is that my husband (he’s ten years younger than me) and my children are being more intentional about spending time with me because we’re all aware that the clock is ticking. We’re fairly pragmatic and know that death comes to us all, so I think it’s a consideration, but not a worry. (Although I just discovered that my daughter was inconsolable during my recent hospital visit, so that’s not to say I won’t be missed - my family are all very fond of me.)

I would like to live long enough to see my youngest child married and my children’s families complete. I’ve talked to my grandsons aged 12 and 9 and discussed with them what they will tell the younger grandchildren about me, if they grow up without knowing me. The eldest child said he’d tell them that I was great at reading stories and poems, baking cakes and giving the best hugs. The younger one said he’d tell them I discovered lots of things about our family history and I had good rules to help good behaviour. “Oh yes, and I’ll tell them granny listens properly when you tell her stuff.”

As an epitaph, that’ll do for me. ?

I'm 82, and lucky to be in pretty good health. I've slowed down a bit, mainly due to Covid, I think.
I live alone since my DH died 6 years ago, but have a son and daughter living nearby who give the odd helping hand, if required. I'm currently visiting my other 3 'children' in Australia, having travelled alone, and hope it won't be my last trip over. Only time will tell if I remain fit enough.
Like most of the other posters it's not the thought of dying that bothers me, but the manner of it. I also dread the thought of being dependent, and especially developing dementia. My plan is to just drop in my tracks, one day.
Keeping active and mixing with people of all ages, singing in a choir helps to keep me going, I think.