I’m quite disturbed about this, is it acceptable?

When she asks you to go out and buy things, just tell her that the shop has sold out.
If she doesn’t have dementia she will soon get the message, someone has to stop this behaviour and I’m afraid it’s you and your sister.

Our uncle was giving his carer money a lot of money it should have never been accepted.

You should simply refuse to get items requested and make sure minimal amount of money is available to spend. Visit less often and you will be more appreciated.

Did the carer have the picture just to show your mum what it was she was talking about rather than it is what she wanted, did the carer actually tell you it would be for her?

I cannot imagine the carer would risk her job for a £16 bottle of alcohol.

When your mother asks for inappropriate shopping just say no you do not need it.

Shandy57

This has made me wonder, are all the things you have been buying going to this 'carer'?

MIL had a carer at her own home who was doing this.
Food from the freezer, taking her bedlinen home to wash which was never returned, selling her fake goods etc.

Iam64

The gift for the carer sounds dodgy maddyone. I’m sure it’s against rules or protocol to give gifts of any kind. It all sounds most peculiar.
It’s a good idea to speak to the manager. I remember your mum being quite demanding. I’d be inclined to be less willing to fulfill her demands. Look after yourself

I agree.

It's very odd that she is asking for tins of soup, other foodstuffs, money, etc
Clothes perhaps if they're the kind she would normally wear but how many does she need?

I'd definitely be asking some questions.

The carer may be innocent they may have been having a conversation about drink likes mum asked carer what she liked carer told mum, mum said she d never heard of it so carer googled it to show mum could be quite innocent so maybe don’t go in to management with this as the main story but ask in general about her seeming extra needs

maddyone

Yes, I think that she wants to treat the carer, but the carer must know because mum called her into her room and got her to show me the product on her phone.

Did the conversation make clear that a gift was going to be bought for the carer?
Or did she just think she was showing you something that your mum wanted you to see?
It's possible that if the gift is offered, the carer would then refuse.

You do need to make management aware that your mum was intending to do this. Thy can address the situation with their staff.

ask in general about her seeming extra needs

Yes, this is the best approach.

When I worked as a carer ( home care ) we were told that under no circumstances were we to accept anything other than chocolates, shower gels
flowers. At Christmas, we were all sent a printed out sheet and if anyone gave us anything, we had to write it down and hand the sheet into the office.

1 year 1 of the people I had been going to for a few years wanted to give me a bottle of brandy, i had to say THANK YOU SO MUCH but I can't accept. I felt really awful BUT I was given strict instructions.

A friend of mine at work had been given £10 in a birthday card by a lovely lady that was 1 of my friends regular ladies her went to with work, she had to tell work and she was instructed to give the £10 back....

Oh maddyone I’m so sad to realise your Mum still has you at her beck and call, it really is time you thought about you. It sounds like she’s being really well looked after, but still, for whatever reason, expects you to attend to her every whim.
As for the alcohol, I think you need a long chat with the manager and if this particular carer is your Mum's key worker, that needs to change.
Take care

The alcohol thing needs to be discussed.
As for shopping. Perhaps you could tell her to make a list each time you go and bring the requested items with you and tell her you don't want to go out shopping once you're there.
Your mother does seem to make a lot of unnecessary purchases. I think you need to be firm and say no you don't need x. You can do this without being rude.
It's OK to be assertive.
Someone suggests visiting less to be appreciated. I think you should visit as often as you want to, as long as you're not overdoing it energywise.

What happens to the tins of soup etc? What does your mum do with them as she isn't cooking anything?

The carer might not be aware that your mum wants to buy it as a gift for her.

Absolutely not. Would not be allowed and should be reported. The only things she might need are squash, toiletries, biscuits. Very small amounts of money as she does not need it. I'm sure if she had a haircut etc the home would tell you. It is totally against protocols for gifts to carers like that.

Maybe let her ramble on about what she wants while you’re there. Then, buy nothing from her list - would she remember ? You could take in a magazine, flowers or sweets -
If she complains, just say nothing extra is needed as it’s all provided & you can let the cook know about food she fancies.
Tell her presents for staff are only allowed at Xmas, then it would be best just to provide a box of sweets or biscuits to share in their staff room

Is she trying to prove to herself that you love her? That you will get anything she asks for?

yes, i wondered about that.
some people find it easier to run personal relations along transactional lines.
by requesting items she can have an expectation that you will return with said item, ie that you will come to see her again.
reminds me of the small child asking for a glass of water etc, so as not to be left alone in a dark room.

Maybe your mum just likes buying things maddyone? It's a care home she's in not a jail. If she's got it into her head she wants a Pot Noodle, for whatever reason, it's her money to do with as she likes.

Her carer might have said quite innocently and in normal conversation, "I was out for a meal the other night and we had Disaronno with our coffee, have you ever tried it?" like you would to anyone you were chatting with and your mum might have thought "Ooh that sounds lovely, I don't drink but why not at my age, I'll give it a go". Disarronno is lovely, I'm quite a fan of it myself.

Why should she not give something new a try without the sinister thought that some poor carer doing a difficult job, that very few people want to do, is on the make?

It would drive me nuts if my purchases - most of them modestly priced it seems - were being vetted. She might just be wanting to feel part of general life again, to feel a bit of autonomy, instead of yet another control however well intentioned.

maddyone - this all sounds so very familiar, as my mother was just the same! Still, it was her lifelong personality (just exaggerated in old age) so no surprise to me!

She was mentally unwell, a rotten mother - and a nightmare. Staff in her (three) luxury care homes, where she spent her final year, said they'd never had such a difficult, hostile and demanding resident.

How did I cope? As I had no fond relationship with her, I visited weekly, made a list of her 'needs' - and took the items on the next visit. I refused to go on errands.

Her newspaper was sent to the home from a local newsagent. I ordered stuff online (mainly from that notorious yet convenient supplier) and I set firm limits on what I was prepared to do.

From her point of view, though, she felt insecure/powerless without spending money at hand. She gave small tips to 'favourite' staff and hairdressers (no problem, really - as it was her money, after all, so she had a right to spend it). She 'needed' many things to feel happy.

She had to feel in control - and controlling - hence the constant demands. She'd always had her many needs, whims and fancies indulged (thanks to my ever loving father) so it was a way of life for her.

Therefore, she just loved the idea of us all running around the shops for her - looking for ever more exotic, rare and difficult things - often 'not suitable' when received!

I just made it as easy as possible for myself. I felt better when I tried to keep her happy (or at least less angry) as she was my mother, after all, and not well - so I felt duty bound to help out.

I am going to repeat everyone else but the carers are not allowed to accept gifts like this. The most we are allowed to do/give is to buy boxes of chocolate or biscuits which are shared, which I do often but they are not allowed to accept direct gifts personal to them to take home. Her showing it you on her phone sounds well dodgy!

I had a similar experience when my mother was in care. She hated losing control over her finances and everyday decisions so would often ask for things which I knew she didn’t need. I also suspected that exaggerating her relationship with one of the carers was to keep me on my toes so I made light of my concerns with the manager but made sure they were aware I was ‘on the case’.

We all know/knew our own mothers and the ways in which they like to play one off against another to get attention. Unless dementia is affecting her judgement she will also know you and what she can get away with.

Just go with your instincts. Tread lightly but keep a written and dated account of your concerns in case you should ever need to take things further.

My mother is in a nursing home in a different country - my brother often buys small gifts for staff - usually chocolates, biscuits etc. but these are always left in the staff room to be shared between all staff.

My mother also asks for things to be brought in but these are usually fruit, biscuits and sweets. I wouldn't jump to conclusions about the carer expecting gifts, a quiet word with the management will probably clarify things.

maddyone

I don’t know, it’s just disturbed me. I’m definitely going to speak to management about it. I can’t go in for the next couple of days but my husband says he’ll go tomorrow and he’s going to tell mum it’s not the done thing. It could get bigger couldn’t it? Mum could have me getting things for all the carers. Whenever mum dies we will certainly give a gift, but that’s different.

I think you are being unnecessarily alarmist here. It could be perfectly innocent.

I would need to be clearer about what actually happened with the carer, who might simply have mentioned this drink and needed to show your Mum what it was on her phone as Mum. like you, had never heard of it. If your Mum then decided she wanted to buy her one, that is not the carer's fault, who probably knows nothing about this. It may be that if your Mum does manage to get someone to buy this, then the carer might go through the proper protocol of refusing this.

I certainly would not talk to the manager unless you know for sure that this carer accepted an item that she shouldn't. So far she has done nothing wrong, except chat to your Mum, which is an important role of carers. They do a very difficult job, but also play a very important part in cheering residents up with their chit-chat about their lives.

One of the things that care home residents lose is freedom of choice and the option to be spontaneous. You and I can just think - I know I fancy a bowl of soup/peanut butter sandwich/ a peppermint - or whatever. Residents can't do that. It is not surprising when residents fancy having a choice of their own, taking back some control and right to spontaneity.

Please do not speak to the manager unless you are absolutely 100% sure that something wrong has been done.

I feel very aggrieved on behalf of carers and the cared for.

These are people doing a shit job - very often literally - for other peoples' parents.

They're doing the job we can't or won't or don't choose to do ourselves.

Yes, there are bad apples who take advantage but that shouldn't be the starting point in how the caring profession is viewed. They're human beings in an unnatural situation looking after other human beings they have no connection with whatsoever.

I, for one, am profoundly grateful to the carers who looked after my mum when I was too stretched to do it myself. Mum often asked me to get a certain type of biscuit so she could offer it to the carer over a cup of tea as she was the hostess in her own home and that's the way she'd always done things.

The people who cared for my mum made her last few years and my life, as a consequence, easier, safer and more enjoyable with their chats and little kindnessess yet all the while seemingly under such official suspicion and scrutiny and control if the majority of posts on this thread are to be believed.

I couldn't do it but I salute those who do.

Ditto Nannee49 - exactly my point.