I’m quite disturbed about this, is it acceptable?

Yes i agree with most others, this asking for alcohol seems dodgy, and i would ask with management, and ask if they know where all her cash she brought in has gone too- might be they have put it in the safe- might not, but you need to know, also STOP just buying her things willy nilly & taking them straight to her room- if that carer IS on the take then for all you know she IS helping herself to any of the residents new stuff knowing a lot of them won't remember using it or even having it- maybe that could be why your mum keeps on asking again, because they have disappeared?- also it could be her way of 'controlling' her own life, her own situation? Obviously she can't just trip out to the shops anymore so is getting new things this way- also some old folk had trouble getting things at all when young or if in war time, so there's a 'need' to have these things now perhaps? Not necessarily to control you in particular.But definitely cut down on bringing things in, tell her you can't all the time as the home doesn't allow it much, or some such.And check what she has first- if she asks for things, check whether she really has run out of powder or face creams etc etc first. And if she's got plenty of whatever it is left, then tell her NO as she's got some.And log ALL new items you bring with the manager.Also old folk i think can be easily swayed by adverts on tv- (as she obviously watches tv) telling them they need 'such &such' item, and making it seem so wonderful they must have it- so watch for that too! But certainly the Dissarono thing seems dodgy- mention it to management, could be you're right about that carer, and management are unaware, and would definitely want to know- its a nice home for a reason, and the management will want it to stay that way.So dont worry about telling them, i would tell them if it were my relative in that situation.?

Try just take her 'nice' things to eat in instead- like a small basket of fruit or small box of chocs to munch when she watches tv, (not much just matchmakers or after eight thins, so not to ruin her appetite) or a ladies magazine to browse, so you feel like she's getting a treat, or some squash to drink, but stop taking food like tinned items,soups etc.there's no need if they provide her meals is there, so tell her so.Take small clothes items like wooly bed socks or undies, but not expensive stuff anymore.Or a nice photo of the grandchildren(in a non expensive cheaper frame) perhaps? Anything thats nice but not worth stealing is my suggestion.

maddyone it sounds so familiar. My mother was manipulative and narcissistic. She never lost this until the last few months of her life. We had carers come to the home and she wanted to show what a grand lady she was by giving them gifts. The agency didn't allow this other than gifts under a fiver at Christmas. My mother would weep that I was being unkind and that if she wanted to give them her jewellery or money, she could. My mother also sent me out to buy many things she didn't really want or need. As the dutiful daughter I would spend days looking for the ideal cardigan, socks, shoes etc. Once bought, they would sit in a pile in the corner of the room untouched (the charity shops did well after she died). It was her urge for buying as well as her desire to control. If I didn't or couldn't, I was told that, of course, my sibling would have managed it but they had such an important job that she would never ask them. I had a part-time job, but it wasn't "important" in her eyes. And so it went on. Don't buy all this stuff, is my recommendation. Maybe get the home to explain the rules to her? It would be better coming from them than you.

Shandy57

This has made me wonder, are all the things you have been buying going to this 'carer'?

I wondered this too.

Perhaps you just need to be firm and say no, you are not going shopping for her as she has everything she needs in the home. My mum is narcissistic too and would have my sister and I running errands all the time but we both agree that we say the same thing to her.

Ok so here’s the thing, both my MiL and my Aunty are in different local care homes. Their “fees” (one is private and one council funded but in same group of homes) simply cover board and all meals but no soap, toothpaste, tenna ladies etc etc. In both homes, without exception the management and carers are amazing !! We sometimes take a big box of biscuits or chocolates in for the staff and several bottles of Prosecco at Christmas. Never have staff asked either of them to purchase gifts, but policy is small gifts for carers are acceptable but clearly not money. Both MiL and Aunty have two different forms of dementia.

Maybe I’m misunderstanding but why is your mum still maintaining her own flat ??

Anyway hope you sort it all out

Could it be the covid has changed her taste buds too, if she's saying she likes things, then when she eats them saying she doesn't like them? Thats something you could consider as well rather than she's just doing that to be difficult.A lot of folk who've contracted covid19 have noticed a change in their taste/smell and dislike things now.?

You need to learn NO. NO I won’t go out shopping for you and NO I will not buy a carer a bottle of drink (or anything else). I work in a care home. NO is a word that they have to get used to and will soon stop asking. Don’t be taken for a fool.

Redhead56

Our uncle was giving his carer money a lot of money it should have never been accepted.

You should simply refuse to get items requested and make sure minimal amount of money is available to spend. Visit less often and you will be more appreciated.

I agree, you can actually visit TOO OFTEN. Cut back, you don’t need to go as often as you are. You are enabling I’m afraid to say.

@maddyone I know the people who want to defend the carer and say don't speak to the manager mean well but if she is innocent (and she might be) then she is walking herself into trouble with this kind of interraction with residents. So no....don't go in with all guns blazing but do discuss your worries maybe couched along the lines of wanting to protect the carer from your mum's behaviour?

Hello there.
I think your Husband is spot on...I would start to say no sometimes....She really does sound unkind ...

I totally agree with Nannee49. If your Mom wants to buy a few things and she has enough money to do so - then why shouldn't she? If she is a little lame and can't get out and about alone, then sadly she is pretty much a prisoner? However, even prisoners if they have the funds, can order food and toiletries online. I am guessing your Mom isn't internet savvy, meaning you and to a lesser extent your daughter in law are her only means of obtaining anything.
Put the shoe on the other foot and imagine how you would be, stuck there with everyone ignoring your requests, because you " have everything you need". We all have needs and wants and just because we are "old and being cared for" doesn't mean that they go away.

Your clever husband is absolutely right- it is indeed an attempt to control you and yes its a sign of narcissism. On the other hand she is not in prison and wanting the odd thing brought in for her is fair enough. To manage this- tell your mother that she is sending you on errands to control you and NO she does not get to do this anymore. If she wants an item you will bring it to her on your next visit but no more being sent out on errands. As for the alcohol for the care staff- absolutely wrong and needs reporting to the boss. Keep an eye on her spending and what it goes on!

Oopsadaisy1

When she asks you to go out and buy things, just tell her that the shop has sold out.
If she doesn’t have dementia she will soon get the message, someone has to stop this behaviour and I’m afraid it’s you and your sister.

Lying is a sin. Tell the truth.

Antonia

*The care home where my relative is serves wine with dinner but I'm sure it's not a great idea for residents to be allowed to keep spirits in their rooms.*
Firstly, the staff will know which residents are allowed alcohol as some may be on medication which reacts adversely to alcohol.

Secondly, how would staff deal with a resident who has over-imbibed and is drunk and disorderly? They need to have some checks and controls for health and safety reasons.

I'm sure that's true, but to me it's another example of the loss of independence which is inherent in going into a care home.
I hope I never finish up in one as I'm sure I would be perceived as a very difficult resident.

I agree, Antonia but for the sake of the staff and other residents I think there have to be some reasonable rules.

I remember a friend telling me many years ago that her father was allowed a bottle of brandy in his room but then started saying the bottle was going down because one of the carers was drinking it.
In all probability it was not true as he had memory loss but a difficult situation for carers to be put in.

Nannee49

*maddyone * I apologise for thinking you asked if it was unreasonable rather than unethical behaviour but I would still have posted it was unfair of you to assume dodgy carer motives knowing your mum as you do.

And I would ask you not to apply the same logic of assumption to me. I am neither an unsympathetic person just because my view doesn't fit your narrative nor am I ignorant of the cruelty and hurt that can exist in mother/daughter relationships and, again, would ask you not to make assumptions because I disagree with your POV.

It's a puzzle to me why you would invite opinions on your dilemma if all you want is approbation.

Stop gaslighting the OP!

GrammyGrammy

Oopsadaisy1

When she asks you to go out and buy things, just tell her that the shop has sold out.
If she doesn’t have dementia she will soon get the message, someone has to stop this behaviour and I’m afraid it’s you and your sister.

Lying is a sin. Tell the truth.

Totally agree. There are better ways than lying.

Again, robust paperwork solves that problem.
I regularly used to give "my ladies" in one home a little tipple, and they'd all go happily off to bed saying "I love you all!"
There was no reason not to, because I had checked their medications, mobility, history, and so on.

My 102 year old mother is in a care home. They are allowed to have small drink in the evening. I take a bottle of Sherry n I’m told to put her name on it. Sometimes a residents daughter will bring in a bottle of Baileys. I take chocolates but check that its ok as some are diabetic. The carers are lovely. So much so that I enjoy taking little treats in for them on eg birthday etc. I have never been asked to take anything in. Toiletries are provided by me for my mother. The food is excellent I’ve visited at meal times plus my mother says they are excellent. My mother is constantly asking to buy food because just like your own husband said it’s a habit. She soon forgets so I wouldn’t be too concerned. No
Money allowed for obvious reasons but I take her out and let her choose items she likes maybe a small ornament for her room etc.

maddyone

Iam64

Eazybee. That’s the approach currently recommended for dementia. The classic am I going home today, no longer responded to by attempts to explain , no you live here now. The response is yes, later

Very wise words Iam and eazybee. We can ‘forget’ things that mum clearly doesn’t need and remember those she does.

She is definitely losing her memory. It was slow at first, but over the last couple of years since her first fall and two small bleeds to her brain (plus at this time she contracted Covid in the hospital) it has accelerated. This last six months I have seen quite a big difference.

When I visited my mother in her care home another resident would issue a long shopping list to her daughters, which they would carefully write down and discuss, then never buy. Their mother was still thinking she was running her own home and it reassured her if they listened seriously to her requests, which were forgotten immediately the visits were over.

Yes, do try this. She may forget about the items she asked for last time and her taste may have altered too, especially after Covid.

Telling the absolute truth to someone with dementia can be considered abuse these days.
Each time you tell them that their husband is dead and they now live in a home is like the the first time, genuinely.

Nannan2

Could it be the covid has changed her taste buds too, if she's saying she likes things, then when she eats them saying she doesn't like them? Thats something you could consider as well rather than she's just doing that to be difficult.A lot of folk who've contracted covid19 have noticed a change in their taste/smell and dislike things now.?

I noticed this after I posted something similar Nannan2, sorry.
But yes, I agree that could be a possibility.

maddyone Perhaps your Mum sometimes just thinks she'd love a tin of Heinz soup and doesn't realise she can't prepare it and eat it any more.

GrammyGrammy

Nannee49

maddyone I apologise for thinking you asked if it was unreasonable rather than unethical behaviour but I would still have posted it was unfair of you to assume dodgy carer motives knowing your mum as you do.

And I would ask you not to apply the same logic of assumption to me. I am neither an unsympathetic person just because my view doesn't fit your narrative nor am I ignorant of the cruelty and hurt that can exist in mother/daughter relationships and, again, would ask you not to make assumptions because I disagree with your POV.

It's a puzzle to me why you would invite opinions on your dilemma if all you want is approbation.

Stop gaslighting the OP!

How is Nannee gaslighting? I think she's just disagreeing, which is ok, isn't it?

I am uncomfortable with hearing so much about what older people in homes should be 'allowed' to do with their own money, or just 'allowed' to do. If course we don't want them to be scammed, and of course they are vulnerable to that, but equally, I would really hate my daughter or a carer deciding what treats I should have and when I could have them. *I agree with Paddington1914's post as far as that is concerned.

I do feel that as maddyone is being run ragged by requests to run errands there is no reason to agree to doing it all, though. As has been suggested, a list once a week would be much more reasonable, particularly if the items (including treats) could then be ordered online and delivered direct to the home. That way, the control would be lessened, and the old lady would have control over what she did with her own money.

If the money started to run out, however (I know that homes can be ruinously expensive) and she would be running a risk of overspending to the point when she might run out of funds, there is a whole new problem to be faced. If she is compos mentis enough to understand, then IMO she should be consulted about it, and it should be made very clear that maddyone won't be manipulated into paying the rent. If she's not capable of understanding, however, it becomes much more difficult, and I really don't know what the answer is.

Paddington1914

I totally agree with Nannee49. If your Mom wants to buy a few things and she has enough money to do so - then why shouldn't she? If she is a little lame and can't get out and about alone, then sadly she is pretty much a prisoner? However, even prisoners if they have the funds, can order food and toiletries online. I am guessing your Mom isn't internet savvy, meaning you and to a lesser extent your daughter in law are her only means of obtaining anything.
Put the shoe on the other foot and imagine how you would be, stuck there with everyone ignoring your requests, because you " have everything you need". We all have needs and wants and just because we are "old and being cared for" doesn't mean that they go away.

I agree with this. I can't imagine how frustrated and annoyed I would be with anyone who told me that I didn't need anything else. (DH half heartedly tries it on occasionally....such as,' how many handbags do you need?' but he gets very short shrift!)

My mothers carers would never ever drink on duty. Any alcohol taken for a small drink in the evening is monitored. Plus carers in the main drive home post their shifts. My mother is so happy with her carers she is always saying we must get them something but they are fully aware that the residents do say things like this and in the main ignore it.