I’m quite disturbed about this, is it acceptable?

Aww, thank you MissA you are a kind and understanding person too. The important thing is to get this alcohol gift thing sorted out. I went to the hairdresser today and so my husband has gone up to see her (she gets a visit from someone in the family almost every day which many of the residents don’t get) and so he may have seen the manager and possibly spoken to mum about it. I’ll see when he gets back.

Yes, I think it's as well to sort out the alcohol thing, so everyone knows "the rules".
The rest, well, that can be overcome, one way or another, without a big fuss.
It's helpful to be able to throw some ideas around on here, sometimes, just to get some neutral input.

If Maddyone's mum has full capacity and gifts are declared why shouldn't she buy gifts. Lets not forget this is the resident's home.

Precisely because of the situation that has now arisen.
I would sooner go without a gift than have a suspicion that I somehow coerced a person, as would all decent people.
It is to protect her mum, as a vulnerable person, though, mostly.

maddyone I apologise for thinking you asked if it was unreasonable rather than unethical behaviour but I would still have posted it was unfair of you to assume dodgy carer motives knowing your mum as you do.

And I would ask you not to apply the same logic of assumption to me. I am neither an unsympathetic person just because my view doesn't fit your narrative nor am I ignorant of the cruelty and hurt that can exist in mother/daughter relationships and, again, would ask you not to make assumptions because I disagree with your POV.

It's a puzzle to me why you would invite opinions on your dilemma if all you want is approbation.

MissAdventure

Precisely because of the situation that has now arisen.
I would sooner go without a gift than have a suspicion that I somehow coerced a person, as would all decent people.
It is to protect her mum, as a vulnerable person, though, mostly.

Yes, this absolutely.

Gifts to all the staff eg biscuits, to be shared in the staff room and declared in the records is one thing but spirits is quite another.

I think part of the problem is that when an elderly person goes into a residential home they no longer have control over their lives. To show independence they can become a bit demanding or awkward. My mum had some jewellery that she refused to give to me even though she would never wear it. I respected the fact that she still wanted to be in control as I was the daughter. It must be very difficult to have other people making all your decisions.

I think you're right skydancer.

My late husband moved into Care as a Care Home Manager after he decided he'd burned out as a Social Worker, and he'd have hit the roof if any of his staff had accepted a gift from a Resident. It's absolutely not acceptable.

Nannee49, your post at 16.06 yesterday had me thinking about the Mont Python sketch that asks if the customer wants the brief argument or the full half hour.
Maddyone put her question in chat, not Aibu -

Perhaps a visit to specsavers is in order Iamat least it gave you a laugh

When I visited my mother in her care home another resident would issue a long shopping list to her daughters, which they would carefully write down and discuss, then never buy. Their mother was still thinking she was running her own home and it reassured her if they listened seriously to her requests, which were forgotten immediately the visits were over.

Eazybee. That’s the approach currently recommended for dementia. The classic am I going home today, no longer responded to by attempts to explain , no you live here now. The response is yes, later

With regard to the constant requests for items to be taken in we all comply to some extent but we ‘forget’ other things and mostly she seems to forget too. She is definitely losing her memory. It was slow at first, but over the last couple of years since her first fall and two small bleeds to her brain (plus at this time she contracted Covid in the hospital) it has accelerated. This last six months I have seen quite a big difference. She knows she’s losing her memory and it frustrates her. We as a family are absolutely not trying to control her, and I’m saddened that one or two posters have read that into my post.

She asked my husband for sweets too, and he took them in and she said they were
horrible. She asked me for jelly babies because she said she likes them, so I took some
in and she then ate one and said she doesn’t like them. She asked my DiL for Bovril
which DiL took in only for mum to say she doesn’t like it, bring Oxo instead.

I wrote those words yesterday. Some posters could see how manipulative this behaviour is whilst others ignored it or didn’t understand it. There are many more examples of this. Consequently I’m quite upset that I’ve been accused of trying to control her. I also acknowledged yesterday that it must feel that like all control has been lost if a person has to move into a care home. I understand that. Nonetheless this particular care home respects the residents choices and gives residents many opportunities to make choices about their own life. Many residents go out, but unfortunately because mum is now completely immobile (needing a hoist to get into and out of bed) we cannot take mum further than the care home garden.

Anyway, my husband visited yesterday and told mum it was inappropriate to give gifts to carers unless it was a joint gift for the staff room, or the carer was leaving. She just accepted it and said she didn’t know it was that expensive and she thought it was too much money really. So problem now solved. However I will have a word about gift giving with the manager/deputy manager when I can catch one of them (I don’t want to make an appointment and make it too big an issue) and ask about the policy. I certainly won’t mention the name of the carer because I don’t want her to get into trouble at all.

Many thanks to everyone for your replies. I was asking for advice about giving the alcohol and nothing else. I provided information about mum’s daily requests for things as background. I know some posters are aware of the struggles I’ve had with mum over my whole life and are very supportive towards me. It is difficult to describe how having a very controlling mother affects a person, but it certainly does over the whole life. Unlike my sister I have not shied from the responsibility of having an elderly and often difficult parent, but have faced up to it, and given the best possible care always, but particularly during lockdowns when she was at home and afterwards as her health deteriorated. We have visited all the time, taken her to every appointment, done her shopping, decorating, repairs where possible, did all her laundry, taken her out and included her in every family occasion every week whilst she lived in the flat. It’s sad that that some people see this as controlling behaviour on our part.

Iam64

Eazybee. That’s the approach currently recommended for dementia. The classic am I going home today, no longer responded to by attempts to explain , no you live here now. The response is yes, later

Very wise words Iam and eazybee. We can ‘forget’ things that mum clearly doesn’t need and remember those she does.

Big hugs Maddyone, it's so very hard and you have done your very best at all times. My very loving, caring friend, an older mother like me, looked after her Grandma for years and years when her mother died, and gave her all, sometimes at the expense of missing her child's school play etc.

It’s really difficult for outsiders to understand situations like this, so forgive me if this is off beam, but would it make sense to cut back on your visits to your mother?

If she was unkind in the past, you aren’t close now, and she is well cared for in the home, do you have to put yourself through this? I’m not saying to cut her off altogether, but I’m not sure that you ‘owe’ her such regular visits and the right to expect you to run errands for her. Owing someone involves a reciprocal exchange, so if your mum had gone out of her way for you until she became unable to do so, then yes - she’d be within her rights to hope for some sort of payback now; but as (I’m guessing) she didn’t, you don’t need to feel guilty so long as you make sure that she is cared for and not abandoned altogether.

As for the spending, I would be more concerned about the soup than the Disaronno. What does she do with it? All the same, even if she builds towers with the tins, or paints them in the style of Andy Warhol, I agree with those who say that just because she’s old she shouldn’t have to account for everything she buys. Having no control over my life would affect me really badly, and I’m not a controlling person with others (or I don’t think I am ).

What is the situation for those who have nobody close enough to do shopping for them?

So, IMO there are two separate issues going on - one is your right to pull back from an obligation to do your mum’s bidding, and the other is her right to have some control over her life. They are not necessarily linked, although I do understand that old habits die hard, and it might be difficult for you to separate them.

If you choose a public forum for your opening post maddyone where people who have no idea, or no real interest in, your backstory at that point they will take it at face value and offer views that are clearly contrary to yours.

I'm making assumptions of my own here but I'm sure the majority of posters on GN have lived through extremely difficult times with repercussions from childhood traumas forming their personalities and reactions.

It doesn't make them nasty, unkind, unsympathetic, misunderstanding, horrible people - they just have a different take on the situation presented to them and are good enough to respond to your post and offer advice as they see it.

There's really no need for the constant lack of empathy digs on your part.

I wish you well in your difficulties and genuinely hope you find some peaceful, loving resolution with your mum.

Not OK. Arrange to talk to the home manager.

Who has Power of Attorney over her finances? Make sure you have it as this could potentially lead to issues. Get her to write a list and buy it once a month. Keep written proof of what you have bought and receipts but presume you know this already. As for the Disaronno perhaps it’s a birthday gift? If not it needs to stop.

When my parents were in a home, my sister and I used to buy chocolates or a large tin of biscuits eg at Christmas, for ALL the kind people who looked after them to share. They must have been inundated! We of course bought my parents their personal care items; my Mums favourite face cream, hairspray etc and sweets for my Dad who had dementia and developed a great nostalgia for the treats of his youth! If the craved a certain type of food we might buy it for them but the home would always take note and provide it. They even used to order Indian takeaways for my Dad when he fancied a curry! I certainly don’t think it is right to supplement their food, apart from treats, and gift giving as mentioned is unethical to my mind. I certainly would refuse to be guilt tripped by your mother and have word with the home management about what has been said re gifts.

I am wondering if someone there is taking advantage of her and getting her to buy things (via a relative) when they are not actually for her, but them?.....

Whilst I fully understand what you are saying about your mother always having manipulating you, is it possible that the loss of control for a controlling lady is making her ask for stuff she doesn't really need or by the sounds of things, want. If she has dementia, this kind of thing seems to happen. My Mum was a very controlling person and this is one of the things I notice about her. The less control she perceives she has, the more she tries to control. Fortunately, her poor memory allows us to smile sweetly, look as is we are going to comply and then hope she forgets. 98% of the time she does and the other 2%, we apologise for being hopeless and move on.
It would be good for you to know what the rules are about gifts for the carers so you know what should be happening and I am sure that the management will be more than happy to enlighten you.
You have my utmost sympathy being THE daughter who gets the grunt work. This is my position too and as much as I would like to take the same approach as my sister, I find it impossible to turn my back on a vulnerable human being.

Your Mother is clearly trying to control you as she seems to have always done, you cannot control her actions or demands but you can spoon something about yours, there is clearly a part of you that really wants approval and validation from your mum which is perfectly understandable but in this case , I don’t think a leopard is going to change its spots, please do what is best for you .
I would speak to the manager of the home about the alcohol though

Hello Maddyone
I wonder, if you haven't been able to say 'no' to your mother in the past, is she continuing and accelerating previous behaviours? Why not get her to write a list that you get once a week or every 10 days and say that's all you are able to do. And flatly refuse to be running around for her. Break that pattern. It's never too late to stand up to being manipulated and controlled. As you say, she wasn't a kind or good mother and I don't imagine she's going to change now. If she was/still is naricissistic, remember that they have no interest in the wellbeing of others and can be ruthlessly selfish. Look after yourself and use your time to enjoy the things you like doing. It sounds like she is in a good and caring home. Could you address the issues of the gift and get clarity about how she is, what she's eating etc from the homes manager...and then relax?