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Gnawing thoughts at the back of my mind

(65 Posts)
bytheway Thu 26-May-22 10:43:34

I was fortunate to leave work 3 years ago at the age of 55, I didn’t retire as such but my DH has a very good private pension and I was unhappy in my work and he encouraged me to leave (which, I’ll add, was fine by me) I have a small pension from work but DHs pension accounts for over 90% of our income.

My days are fairly busy, for a retiree, I take the dog for 2 long walks and I go strength training 4 or 5 days a week. On top of which I have the usual housework responsibilities etc… meet up with friends occasionally.

I’d be the first to say I have a good life and am grateful everyday that I’m in a position not to have to work and have a comfortable lifestyle.

But, at the back of my mind, I have these gnawing thoughts/feelings that I should be doing more. I should be contributing more income, I should find a way to make money and match DHs income.

He’s never ever made me feel like this, Has no problem with my spending, tbh I’ve never been a big spender anyway. So I can’t say it’s something he’s done.

If I mention to him about these thoughts, about looking for work, he tells me there is no need to but if I want to that’s fine too.

I just can’t get rid of that feeling I should be contributing more financially.

Any advise gratefully appreciated

Washerwoman Sat 09-Jul-22 16:27:44

I feel no guilt in retiring several years earlier than I intended whilst DH continues to work.I have a smaller pension pot than him and whilst he was very lucky to inherit some money from his parents my family had very little so nothing there.And wouldn't have expected or relied on inheritance. That's a bonus. However I did work very hard for 40 years and at least twice brought the money in when DH lost his business in a recession. Then was made redundant. I walk or dogs,take care of the garden,was helping his elderly aunt before she died and my very frail mum before she went into a care home.So at the moment I don't even feel the need to look for anything.And DH was the one to encourage me to stop work and enjoy life more. Try to stop feeling guilty.Who knows what's around the corner?My SIL died of cancer before she had time to retire and relax so make the most if it and find joy in everyday simple things .I can recommend it !

Thistlelass Fri 08-Jul-22 03:59:35

You really only should look to come up with a stream of income if that is your desire. Your husband is quite happy with how things are so not a problem there. If there is something you could do which would give you genuine pleasure well just go for it!

Sielha Sat 18-Jun-22 22:40:02

I understand. I finished work at age 42 as it worked better for our family situation. I still feel now, 16 years later, that I should have a job, despite doing voluntary work and being very involved in the care of my grandchildren! I guess it’s just very deeply ingrained. But do you know what? You’ve earned your rest, enjoy it?

Iam64 Tue 14-Jun-22 08:18:07

Doodledog’s point about our collective responsibility to work, so pay taxes and national insurance doesn’t seem judgemental to me. It’s another thread but, its mainly women who either stop work, or reduce hours when children or responsibility for care of elderly parents arrive.
That leaves women permanently disadvantaged where earnings and particularly pensions are concerned. Unfair and discriminatory

BomoGran Tue 14-Jun-22 08:09:48

I wonder, could you be experiencing a real desire to work and earn? Now DH has retired he could walk the dog and do the housework and cooking, would you relish the opportunity to work? Why not give it a go?

Doodledog Tue 31-May-22 17:52:46

I don't want to derail the question from the OP, but in fairness to GSM I wanted to do more than simply nod at her post in my defence grin. The full saying is ' From each according to ability: to each according to need', which I interpret to mean that if we all contribute what we are able to, there would be enough for everyone, and nobody will do without decent housing, education and pensions.

Of course not everyone is able to contribute, for all sorts of reasons; but IMO those who can should, as in a society like ours, we all benefit from the things that are bought from the proceeds of tax, NI and so on. Those who need more, whether because of illness, disability or the need to care for others who are ill or disabled (or for other reasons) should get more out, as should those who are otherwise unable to work.

This is the principle on which the NHS, the education and benefits systems, and much of our society is based. The alternative is a 'pay at point of use' system, which would mean that those who were unable to contribute would get nothing, or one where those who work subsidise those who choose not to (which does not mean those who are unable to).

In the context of this thread, I mentioned in passing that this was important to me, which is why I understand the OPs point of view. I went on to say, however, that when it comes to retirement, time together is more important than money, and that in any case the opinions of others (including mine) are not important to her decision, as everyone's views are different.

If anyone wants to read that as judgemental, there's not a lot I can do. We were asked our opinions about the OP's question, and I gave mine. I don't see it as judgemental, but again, we are all different.

Doodledog Tue 31-May-22 13:03:37

Germanshepherdsmum

Without wishing to tread on Doodledog’s toes here, I have seen her say this many times and explain that in her book it is ‘each according to his means’. If we have the means it is right that we contribute financially to the society we live in, which doesn’t run on thin air, as well as making such other contributions as each of us is able to offer.

Thank you, GSM. Exactly so.

eazybee Tue 31-May-22 08:54:54

I think the OP is regretting retiring too soon, and to be honest, her life does sound rather without purpose. Voluntary work, a part-time job or a course of study are solutions.

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 31-May-22 08:14:18

Without wishing to tread on Doodledog’s toes here, I have seen her say this many times and explain that in her book it is ‘each according to his means’. If we have the means it is right that we contribute financially to the society we live in, which doesn’t run on thin air, as well as making such other contributions as each of us is able to offer.

NotSpaghetti Tue 31-May-22 07:45:50

Doodledog

I meant contributing financially - paying tax and NI towards health, education, pensions - that sort of thing. This argument is not for this thread, though. We are all simply saying what we feel is right for us.

You haven't quoted the bit where I said very specifically that we are all different, and what would suit me (or bother me) would not be right for others.

Well thanks for the clarification., doodledog - I didn't quote all of your post(s) because it was this one bold statement I took issue with.

I'm happy with anyone's choice so you feeling it's important to have financial independence is fair enough but you did say that you
believe that everyone should contribute to the society to which they belong. This is the bit I felt was rather judgemental if I'm honest.
I know now you meant financially contribute but it then makes me wonder about people on very low wages under the tax threshold, those in reciept of benefits etc.

Sometimes people with nothing (or who are not financially independent) do give such a lot in non-financial ways.

Not trying to "pick a fight" here, just feel the need to flag up that contributing comes in many forms.

Puzzled Mon 30-May-22 16:07:15

On my retirement course, we were told "You are going on the longest holiday of your life"
Not really true if you are running the home.
But it is a time for you to relax and spend some time on things that interest you.

But if you have time and energy available after that and your hobbies, you could join your local U3A, or groups at a local church.
Charities and the like, are always short of volunteers, so you could put something back into the community, if that is your wish.
It might be something fairly basic, like washing up for a local senior citizens, or disability group, helping, or fund raising for a charity. Whatever you want to do.
We are both involved in: church, animal charity, local hobby club and U3A groups in various ways. (Givers as well as receivers)

Peacelily321 Mon 30-May-22 15:05:26

I would say if you've got the urge to do that little bit extra, why not help out at a food bank or a mums and toddlers group? There are so many people who really need help and advice from someone with life experience and it will open your eyes. You've got lots to offer by way of being a conscientious person and the sense of doing something new will be very rewarding for you personally. You might make new friends, add to your life CV and come home feeling like you made a difference. Go for it! :-)

Doodledog Sat 28-May-22 19:42:12

I meant contributing financially - paying tax and NI towards health, education, pensions - that sort of thing. This argument is not for this thread, though. We are all simply saying what we feel is right for us.

You haven't quoted the bit where I said very specifically that we are all different, and what would suit me (or bother me) would not be right for others.

NotSpaghetti Sat 28-May-22 19:31:38

I do understand the idea of earning and spenfing your own money but actually we don't care who earned it. We both spend it as though it's ours, which it is.
As M0nica says, it is family income.

Doodledog says
I have always been financially independent, and that has mattered to me, both on a personal level and because I believe that everyone should contribute to the society to which they belong.
- I find this a bit odd, as though those people who are not financially independent are not contributing to society.
They may be contributing a lot more than another person who is working.
Which jobs do you think are contributing to society I wonder? Is it true of all and any job?

craftynan Sat 28-May-22 18:45:22

Mixed thoughts here. Your DH is happy with things as they are and a huge part of me wants to say do things together, enjoy your time together and make the most of each day. The other part of me echoes pp’s who have asked whether you would be financially secure if something happened to DH. I was the higher earner and, with a big age gap, worked for many years after DH retired. I then retired but it wasn’t long before DH became terminally ill. When he died, even though I had the larger pension (but no State Pension yet) my income reduced significantly. It came as a massive shock as I thought we had prepared well for such an eventuality. This is why I have such mixed feelings.

Doodledog Sat 28-May-22 15:56:09

That sounds like a good life, TwinLolly. I’m quite envious smile

TwinLolly Sat 28-May-22 15:25:10

I feel the same as you at times.

DH works at sea and I'm in the fortunate position to join him.

I gave up my job a few years ago to join him when he became my fiancé, when he asked if I'd like to join him. I have tried to get work on the ships and have been offered a contract but it meant I wouldn't be guaranteed the same ship as him nor same sailing schedule. I had to turn it down as we didn't feel it would be in our best interests as a couple, and for the sake of our marriage. He continues to reassure me it is OK not to work.

So I now volunteer a spare hand if staff need help, unpaid, unofficial. I find it rewarding, despite not earning an income.

Best of luck!

Polly7 Fri 27-May-22 21:27:58

Think money can be viewed as be all and end all hard to explain but it’s just money? and however couples work it out, surely it doesn’t matter who has the most if it’s equal partnership and both sides content - not as if you havnt worked too, it’s true, if you were paid for all your house duties childcare etc im sure you wouldn’t feel bad ? enjoy and be grateful I’m sure he is grateful too

Enid101 Fri 27-May-22 20:29:53

Germanshepherdsmum

Do you know what your financial position would be if something were to happen to your husband? Would you continue to receive money from his pensions, and if so how much? Would you need to work? If so, if you have skills maybe better to keep your hand in even if only part time or on a voluntary basis. None of us knows what tomorrow may hold.

This is very sound advice. Do you know what your financial situation would be if you were suddenly left on your own.

Omalinda Fri 27-May-22 20:23:15

66th birthday coming up and work 4 days a week. Just wish I could afford to retire.

Germanshepherdsmum Fri 27-May-22 19:45:35

The difference is, to my mind and in my experience, the degree of stress that the partner working outside the home suffers. I have always felt that there is a good reason why men die earlier than women.

Treetops05 Fri 27-May-22 19:22:31

How much did you earn per hour? Add up all the house, garden, shopping etc you do...you are contributing a great deal to the home x

Esspee Fri 27-May-22 16:24:41

The way this country is heading with Boris at the helm I am considering working from home as inflation means that should I be fortunate enough to live to a good age I might go from being comfortable to being destitute.

seadragon Fri 27-May-22 16:24:11

I was the breadwinner for most of our married life and my pensions, though not huge, make a larger contribution to our bank accounts which are both joint but I manage the one which pays the direct debits, outings, car/house maintenance and anything unexpected while DH does all the shopping and gardening purchases. He was the stay at home parent which enabled me to pursue a satisfying and challenging career in social work, first in hospitals and then with the military. I have done a lot of not very much since retiring, at 62, 12 years ago, apart from helping out family. I feel no guilt that I did no voluntary work during the pandemic, in part, it's true, because both our AC's were seriously ill, though not with Covid. I feel no guilt now that I am not volunteering to assist with the Ukrainian families arriving in our area even though I have a degree in Russian. My DGS has asked me to teach him Russian, though, as he has a Russian friend he wants to keep in touch with. Writing this I realise that, as the breadwinner, working long and often stressful hours, I am now focussing on family life more. DH is busy working as a volunteer on a rewilding project. We are content doing what we need to do rather than what we feel we ought to be doing.

Doodledog Fri 27-May-22 16:15:10

The OP is saying that her doubts are about contributing financially, not in other ways, though. Voluntary work wouldn't solve that problem, and would mean spending less time with her husband.

I don't really see how we can advise, tbh. So much depends on attitudes to money, relationships and so on, and these vary hugely between individuals. We can't (and shouldn't) change the OP's perspective, which is that she feels guilty for not contributing as much as her husband. That wouldn't (and doesn't) upset me at this stage in our lives, but it would have mattered to me not to have contributed financially to our family and to 'society' when I was younger, which isn't an issue for others. Everyone is different.