Gnawing thoughts at the back of my mind

I always said I needed a wife.?

My life was very similar to MOnica and due to other factors (including a 50mile round trip school run) I didn’t work once the DDs were born.
However DH appreciated that I was ‘completely in charge’ at home and he later said he couldn’t have afforded to pay someone for all the jobs I did, including looking after 10 dogs!
He retired at 55 and had 10 good years, before his cancer diagnosis and lived another 5 years with it. He died last year and when I get ‘his pensions’ every month, I have to really tell myself that I sort of earned it, but in a different way from him.
I’ve done 24 years of quite regimented voluntary work, so now chilling, looking after both DGSs as and when, plus DD2’s dogs who come 2 or 3 days every couple of weeks.
Just enjoy your retirement OP and may it be a long one.

It is a bit clearer to me. DH's work included a lot of travel. Often at short notice for indeterminant periods of time. The most extreme was going to Egypt for three weeks and returning 3 months later.

This meant I took on the responsibility of being the family manager, and keeping the family organised and functioning. I saw that as my contribution to the money DH earned. He could go away and do his work with no worries about what was happening. So what he was paid was earned by both of us.

bytheway Try looking at your family life and see how far your husband's career success was due to the time and effort you spent keeping the home front running while he was working and saving him needing to divide his time so much. I think you will find that at least some of his large pension was earned by you.

I would also suggest you find some voluntary work you enjoy. Voluntary work is now much more varied that working in a charity shop or working in charity cafes, and I say that with no disrespect to either occupation. I spent a longtime working as a Home Advisor for 2 different charities and also worked for a heritage charity as a building 'minder', visiting the buildings, which were unoccupied and, usually isolated, to check condition, check on leaflets and empty collection boxes. There reaally are many and varied jobs you could do.

How much housework and dog walking does your husband do?

Maybe find a voluntary role that would make you feel more useful to society as a whole (well, part of it!).

But remember that marriage is about supporting each other in all sorts of ways. Financial support is only one and not always the most important. Since it doesn't seem to be important in your marriage/life circumstances because you are financially okay as a couple, why focus on it?

Focus on being useful instead. If your usefulness, whatever it is, is advantageous financially, so be it, but it's also fine for it not to be anything to do with money.

I have always been financially independent so I think I know how you feel. I would not be comfortable living off of somebody else.

Maybe you could work part-time if it bothers you.

As long as you’re financially secure, I’d give yourself a break. If you want to contribute generally, there are loads of opportunities to volunteer. If not, I’d get on with enjoying life

I agree with GSM. I have always been financially independent, and that has mattered to me, both on a personal level and because I believe that everyone should contribute to the society to which they belong.

I retired at 57, with 9 years to go before my state pension. I too have a small occupational pension, and my husband's is higher than mine. I am not dependent on him, but my lifestyle would be much reduced if I had to live on my own pension until my new state pension age. All of that was all factored into the decision to retire, however. I am younger than my husband, and the original plan had been that we would retire together, when I was 60 and he was 65 and we would both get our pensions. Obviously that plan was scuppered, but if I had waited until I was 66, we would have lost years of time together, so we decided to be poorer but enjoy the time we had planned. It was a collective decision, so I don't feel bad about it, and would feel the same if I were the bigger contributor. Can you look at your situation in the same way?

My first thought was would you be able to cope financially if you were on your own? If not, maybe find a job where you could save the money for later.

I understand what you mean. It was always important to me to make a good financial contribution and to be financially independent. I didn’t have your opportunity, nor was I able to stay at home with my child, but I can’t imagine relying on a man for money, having him pay all the bills including my personal spending. We’re all different though.

I understand how you feel. I only worked part time after the children were born and so my pension is very small compared to DH. However, I did get involved in voluntary work both for a community centre and a local hospice. This meant I felt that I was contributing to the community as well as the family. It is also a great way to meet lovely friends.

I have had those thoughts since I retired occasionally.
I don't need to work financially and I tell myself I would take a job from someone who really needs the money.
Just enjoy being able to please yourself.

Sit down with a good book and a glass of wine and be thankful.

The urge to go out and earn money will soon pass.?

#beentheredonethat#sitinthesun.