Billy No Mates….Me

I agree that people don’t know what to say. I phoned a friend yesterday who had recently lost her husband and I asked her if she wanted us to continue to talk about her wonderful husband and we agreed that we would. So that’s what we’ll do but if she finds it difficult she’s just to tell me. I know sometimes it’s best not to mention some things as people might be just about holding it together and a reference to the illness or the loss can make them break down. That’s why gransnet is so good because there’s always someone on here to talk to. My thoughts are with everyone going through bad things at the moment x

I'm sorry to hear this, Katey.

I agree with the others that it is probably because people don't know what to say that they stay away, and then it gets too awkward for them to get in touch.

Also, I think that many people became quite selfish in the pandemic, thinking that because their own lives had been restricted, those who were really locked down didn't need consideration, and that may have extended to their feelings about subsequent illnesses.

How upsetting and disappointing for you, I can understand how you feel. Just keep on posting here, you will find many online friends who will hand hold, moan with you, make you laugh and generally empathise. This site has been a god send to many who have had very difficult events.

So sorry Katey. People can be very disappointing and hurtful. There really is no excuse, even a few words in a card is better than nothing. Being a good friend is give and take and is sometimes hard work. Hope your feel much better soon, and go out and about and make lots of new friends

Sorry you have experienced this. . I agree that some people can't cope with the word cancer. It's as if it's something that happens to other people.
When our nephew had leukemia, my older sister wouldn't visit him as 'it upset her'. Never mind what that poor lad and his parents were going through. I was very annoyed with her.

MawtheMerrier

It's just not fair!
You can do everything possible to BE a good friend and it s such a let down when others seemingly didn't get the memo.
I was brought up to believe that to have good friends you have to be a good friend - but alas.
I think I would quietly withdraw from those who have let me down , write it down to experience and concentrate on the others.
But I see exactly where you are coming from

This is how I feel, so no need to repeat.
I would add that people are very selfish. Afterall, it isnt about how awkward they feel, it's about finding the strength to support a friend regardless.
Look in other places from now on.
You need your strength to get better.
Which I hope will be soon

How rotten. It's completely understandable how you feel. The others have made good suggestions. You can always come on here to let off steam or look for support. Meanwhile, take it easy.

Kitty yes,

I know what you mean Kateykrunch.
It's disappointing. I haven't had anything like you, but I have had an illness recently, quite serious and no one seemed to care.
I am giving them the benefit of the doubt, that perhaps they don't realise how ill I was, or perhaps they are having a bad time themselves.
But in your case, I'm not sure, especially the friend who has been through the same thing. Perhaps they really don't know what to say. If they are important to you, I think I would talk to them about it.
When it comes down to it, sometimes friends/family just don't give what you would like or need. I'm sure I'm guilty of that too. We have to choose to love them as they are, as they must do with us.

I'm glad you're recovering. ~It's a lot to cope with, having a second diagnosis and a mastectomy.

Katey- for you
Kitty - for your darling daughter

It's just not fair!
You can do everything possible to BE a good friend and it s such a let down when others seemingly didn't get the memo.
I was brought up to believe that to have good friends you have to be a good friend - but alas.
I think I would quietly withdraw from those who have let me down , write it down to experience and concentrate on the others.
But I see exactly where you are coming from

Kateykrunch, when you're ill, bereaved, divorced etc. people do, genuinely, worry about 'saying the wrong thing' or 'reminding you' (as if you've forgotten) so they avoid contact to save themselves embarrassment. They really disappoint you.

You could develop a thick skin and proactively take the lead to renew friendships, perhaps indicating that discussions on the subject are kept short, you're fine - so carry on as normal please.

Another way is to make new friends through a shared activity (anything) and find that you're accepted just as you are right now - in a relaxed atmosphere - it's wonderful.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2017 pretty well all of my friends and relatives were in touch. Except for a very good friend who I had supported through her husband’s death and her son’s death. Nothing. I sent Christmas cards and the odd message. Still nothing. Then a year or so ago she got in touch. I agreed to have lunch, but she’s the lady who loses it in restaurants and sends her food back!

GrannyGravy13

Sometimes people just do not know what to say or how to say it so it’s easier not to say anything at all.

I agree with GrannyGravy13 people don't realise how helpful and comforting it is to have support from friends, just a quick call or message means a lot.

Hope you have a speedy recovery Kateykrunch

That is hard, but I think gg13 is right. People simply do not know how to respond. I know it might go against the grain, but perhaps if you make first contact and talk about your cancer it will break the ice and they might feel more able to talk to you.

Meanwhile I am told that the kitchen is a very good place for support and care, so do put a toe into there if you feel able?

People are disappointing aren't they. All they need to do is send a get well card!

Did you lose your lymph glands as well? Hope you aren't too sore. Big get well wishes from me, I hope you recover well.

So hurtful isn't it Kateykrunch
Some people bury their head in the sand and hope it's not happening.
Some don't know what to say, but I always feel that you find out who your true friends are when you really need them.
Sending hugs and a speedy recovery

Thst's hard Katey. All I can think is that cancer is still a very scary word to some people.

No-one here will ignore you. 9r you could try going into the kitchen (take cake) or the Argy (if you are brave enough!)

My daughter had a mastectomy about 6 weeks ago and is starting chemo in 2 weeks so I might need a friend. Though I have had lots of support here (and in RL!!) since she was diagnosed.

Sometimes people just do not know what to say or how to say it so it’s easier not to say anything at all.

are there any cancer support groups that you are/ could be in touch with.
you might find more friendly support from people who have been through something similar.
i can understand that you feel disappointed, hurt.
but realistically, people can't give what they haven't got.
maybe they were more acquaintances than friends.
good luck.