Grandchildren

I feel like I want to sever my ties as it makes me so upset

That seems like a very extreme reaction to this situation Marg and very sad. I would suggest that you don't do that based on what you have said so far.

Wanting to sever your ties seems extreme. Is there more to this ? You feel the need to say the parents aren’t married.
That sounds very judgemental given the number of couples who make a life long commitment without ‘the city hall’

Young families are very busy. As grandparents we are very lucky if we fit into these busy lives.
Could it be your son and his partner feel you criticise them for not being married and for seeing more of the maternal grandparents
I’m still stunned you are considering breaking ties

I am afraid you are being unreasonable. By considering severing this relationship just because you aren't getting the time you want. This is not healthy thinking.

I think you need to sit down and have a conversation with your son and tell him that you would like to see him more. No guilt trips, no pushing hurt feelings, just that you would like to see him more.

If he says no, then you can ask him why...

He may simply say he is too busy, and please remember here it is his place to arrange contact with you, not DIL who seems to be doing more with her family. If that is how it is, accept it and enjoy that time... Many families live far apart. I see my Dad twice a year due to distance and we still have a wonderful time together.

He may tell you other reasons why he doesn't visit more. That would be where it is up to you to listen and while you might not agree, respect his perspective.

Life is busy fir many families and some families are far apart or broken. Try to see what you have rather than what you don't.

I think you need to take a step back, you are in danger of throwing the baby out with the bath water.
I can’t help feeling there’s more going on there, I can’t understand why you would need counselling because you only see your grandchildren once a month.
There’s a lot to be thankful for, your son and his partner seem to be happy, they are in the same area, they visit regularly, what are you expecting?

We see our DS's children about every three weeks, sometimes more. Other GPs don't seem as interested as us, although children love them and are pleased when they do see them. Different relationships suit different people - but you are clearly unhappy with the way your relationship is, so perhaps a gentle conversation is needed to explain that you feel rejected. I can say that when the GC are at school, the weekends are so hectic with parties, sports, seeing friends etc. that there is often little spare time, so perhaps this is what's happening. Talk to them - don't cut yourself off, that would be awful, for both you and the GC, but I can understand when you are so upset you might feel like doing so, .

Step back! You are fearful of something unknown getting in the way of your relationship - don't let your fear, which probably has little or no foundation, create a split you would regret for ever. Your anxiety and perhaps resentment may be part of the problem - your son and his partner will sense it even if you don't speak about it. They are busy - they may have lots of reasons for not having time for you to see the children. I see my grandchildren far less than you do - I wish I saw them more often. When we do meet it is full of warmth and love. This is enough.

This type of issue is very common and I think we all forget just how busy life is for young families. Don't make a fuss and don't cut yourself off there is no need.
Instead offer ideas for the future - for example say that once you retire you will be in a position to help - would it be useful if you were to collect the DGC from School / nursery some days, would your son and DIL like a Saturday off while the kids are with you....options are endless - be a resource to them, not another pressure on them.

Gosh aren’t there a lot of people prepared to judge on this site. I would hate to be so critical of a fellow grandparent whether or not I agreed with their views.
Obviously these grandparents are upset so can’t we all be more empathetic and offer our advice kindly?

Violetsky has offered some wise words - worth time and reflection. I wish you well - and happy years ahead with your family.

Hi OP, who had counselling and what did the counsellor say? Please be very honest with yourself, no need to answer here but do you disapprove that they're not married? Do you disapprove of other things they do, DS's partner working full time maybe? Perhaps you think they drink too much, or give the kids the 'wrong' food? How about behaviour, do you think they allow the kids to misbehave?

I'm playing devil's advocate here I know but only because my late MIL judged everything I did, never said it straight out but in a passive aggressive way. ie "well at least I wasn't one of those mothers who dumped their baby in nursery". Subtle digs all the time. Honestly, do you like her or are you secretly judging?

I know I judge people for their parenting style but I think we have to be very careful with our children. Apologies if I'm completely off the mark.

My teenage grandchildren and family live 3 miles away only have social media contact since Covid. Seen them at a distance about 4 times. Very sad but what can you do? Nothing or cut them off and I reconnected after silly rift with my now deceased husband passed 7yrs ago. I have no other family

Just be thankful for the time you do have with your DGC! So many Grandparents never see theirs. Life is very difficult now for parents of young children. With both parents working & trying to make ‘family time’ when their days off are different it is not easy to include grandparents. I would love to see more of my whole family but know how busy they are so am grateful for the chance to see them once a fortnight! Life is too short to continually nitpick at how many times we see each other! Take a breath & enjoy what you do have!

YABVU There is an old saying which is "My son my son until he gets a wife. My daughter, my daughter all my life"

Women always gravitate to their mum's more. I have 3 sons and 1 daughter. If you get moany, whiney about it with them you bring on exactly what you don't want.

Our one DiL is very close to her mom. Shr lives 5 minute's from her mom. Interfering and moaning makes it worse (I have 2 other grandchildren also who aren't local)

I am not that type of parent. I'm very hands off. I'm widowed and have a life too.

Yes I am involved with our grandchildren life. I look after them once a week on a Friday and gave them Saturday afternoon.

The Friday will drop in September to Saturday afternoons as the youngest of the 2 starts school. Then it will be holidays as the extra day only.

Perhaps you can ask if you can babysit at there place so they can have a night out or arrange to take the children out for a few hours so they have some time out.

Yes you do seem judgemental they aren't married also. You also heed to develop a life when you retire with your husband too.

Be grateful he is still here too.

This is so common as to be almost the norm. I only saw my son's children when they (well the parents) wanted something from me, I saw more of my daughter's even though they lived further away.
Please accept it for a fact of life, nothing you can do will change it, but you risk making it worse by pushing.
I cried many miserable tears over the situation, and I feel for you I really do. Please try to get on with your life and enjoy what little contact you do have, at least you do have some .... XX

Marg I don’t think you are unreasonable to be sad about the situation but seeing your grandchildren once a month isn’t too bad. Young families have very busy lives and if you are working then I suppose you can only get together with them at weekends.
When you do see them make the most of your time together and plan fun activities for the children so that they will look forward to seeing you. If you sever ties you might not be able to reconnect and the children will lose two loving grandparents.
There are many of us on here, me included, who haven’t seen our grandchildren for years because they live on the other side of the world and travel has been too difficult during the pandemic.

It so hard but really it is up to the parents. Just enjoy them when you do see them and make a fuss of birthdays and Christmas is my advice.

my dil has never "allowed" me to be involved in gks lives, very occasionally she has had me help out, very occasionally,
just had to accept it.. but painful..

YABU. There are families on here who never get to see their Grandchildren. At least you get to see yours about once a month. No grandparent has the right to see their grandchildren (or children), it is a privilege which is meant to be enjoyable. Enjoy the time you do have, build bridges by not being judgemental about their lifestyle or resenting what 'her' parents get to do and stop thinking about severing ties. Enjoy your own life so this isn't such a big problem in your mind and you have lots to talk about when you see your grandchildren.

Perhaps they think that while you are still working it would be too much. The son’s mother in a relationship does tend to be less involved than a daughter’s. I ‘lost’ three DGs when my son they moved to Scotland but his inlaws were always staying there. Although the oldest (20) Surprises me with calls of his own volition. Fortunately I also have a daughter with twin boys and a daughter, we are very close with DGD and one twin, who have sleepovers every Friday, the other has CP and ATM too nervous of our cat to stay. DD says he likes being the only one at home and laps up the attention. We always send the same treats as the other two have while they’re here.

Ah ....would personally think you are fortunate to see your GC;s AT ALL !!!! I have (I know this from my internet research) at least one grandson ...my daughter has not spoken to me for 15 years...I know his name, address and age (8) but not his date of birth ............would be nice to see him at least once even from afar if I can get to the town where he lives, before I die, but hey ho, c'est la view! Her life, her choice !!!

I would be thankful for what I got. My youngest was in similar position and I saw my granddaughter twice a week one was a sleep over. Until she was 5yrs 6months and 3days she’s 11 now. Then they split up and that’s when my world turned upside down. Now don’t see her at all My sons both are married now with children and my oldest sons oldest daughter I get to see her when she with her daddy normally once every couple of months because I can’t take up all his time with her and his other daughter with his second wife I see her at same time. My youngest now as a son I see him when I can but his mum also as a child from her first marriage her parents have them all the time. I’m moving closer to them. She said I can spend time with my grandson regularly but im not holding my breath grandkids can be taking away from you in a blink and there’s not a thing you can do about it. But the pain is something that you don’t want to feel or the tears you will cry. You could say we don’t mind having them a bit more son but personally I would just be happy to spend time with them when you can.

Its sad that you feel that way. At least you are in contact with your son and I wonder how you and his partner get on. Just roll with it. No need to fall out. Throw the odd offer of a meal at yours or ask if you can pick up from school once in a while or take them to the park. Drop them a few scones round , you wouldn't even have to go in if they live so close. It doesn't matter if they say no to invites, they dont need to justify a refusal unless they want to..
Just be kind. Not just to them but yourself too. Perhaps you are beginning to get anxious about retiring and fearful about what you will do with your time but trust me you will enjoy not having busy days and filling every moment. I hope you soon feel more at ease with the situation. X

I think you are being unreasonable actually, you see them once a month, so you are actually seeing them aren’t you, if they are saying they are busy then they are obviously happy with the amount of time you are seeing the children, always remember you aren’t the parents they are, so you can’t dictate how often you would like to see them, when you say you feel like severing your ties, that to me is going from one extreme to the other, you might as well stamp your feet as you not getting your own way, you seem very judgemental that they aren’t actually married, just enjoy them when you see them op, they have their own lives to live too,

Families come in all shapes and sorts ppl don’t get married anymore my youngest isn’t married but they live together as man and wife. If they work weekends will be only time they get for themselves. To go shopping kids activities etc. i also don’t live near mine and my daughter inlaws are both close to their parents my sons are always trying to get me my own time and how I do that is by babysitting that includes step grandson he’s not blood but I treat him the same. Because his grandparents dropped their son and it’s the children that suffer. One night he said nanna did I do something for my real grandparents not to want me. I wasn’t around then and I just said no it was them not you. They lost is my gain.

To me, it totally negates the idea that someone is so upset about it, when they then talk about not seeing their grandchildren at all.