AIBU

I am thankful for every second I get to spend with my grandson. For most of his life I had no contact with him. I am not asked regularly to share my time with him making every second I spend with him precious to me. I get so upset when I hear grandparents complain about being asked to spend time with their grandchildren, It's not a chore or something to complain about, it's an honour to be asked, a pleasure and a joy to be with him and I am so glad to now be part of his life.

If your son if abusive towards you , I wonder if he is also abusive and controlling towards your DIL? That Wouid go a way to explaining why she can’t cope with both the kids I think. X

If you have issues with your son why on earth did you say you would have the little one it really is pretty difficult to be cancelled on at the last minute and surely this will only make matters a whole lot worse
You seemingly straddling both camps don’t want to have anything to do with your son but offering to babysit then changing your mind
There’s obviously a lot more to this story than we know but I would help out as much as I could to keep my relationship wuth the grandkids alive however if you need to say no then you should have done just that at the beginning when first asked not in a mind change because that is totally annoying

I personally think you were unkind in cancelling, you shouldn’t have agreed in the fits place. Your son should not be rude or say anything unkind but I can understand his angst. It’s like dressing up to go out and taxi never arrives.

he sounds an absolute nightmare
I understand why you are accommodating to take the grandchildren but this sounds so difficult for you
It's almost as if they are setting traps to upset you and find reason to argue

I don't understand parents who have children and then can't look after them on their own.

What a nightmare Edge I’ve read all your posts from previous times as well, being abused and blackmailed, your son sounds horrendous, obviously only hearing your side of things, but can honestly say if I couldn’t sort this out by communication then, I would be walking away. But I personally wouldn’t have said I’d be looking after GS then change my mind unless of illness etc, as I feel you are escalating the problem,

She has said her son is abusive, so why should she help out in those circumstances

I would say it’s the children you need to think of. And don’t let people down

You are the childrens grandparent not their parent. your son and his wife chose to have these children so their responsibility not yours. Live your life, be a postal granny and free yourself of a toxic situation.

Feel for you and not defending them other than to say if she wants to take the 5 year old to the fair that would be difficult with a 2 year old as they can't go on most rides

The people most likely to suffer from the fall out from all of this is your Grandchildren. Get some counselling for help in managing your relationship with your son.
As said before, if you have initially agree to look after your 2 year old GS, unless you have a really good reason (ill health?) then you should not keep changing your mind.
Be strong and enjoy your time with your GS - they soon grow up and are doing their own thing! Make the most of your time with him.

Cut all ties then you can be neither abused nor blackmailed

You didn't want to explain your reasons to us, which I respect as you don't know us. But did you explain to your grandchild's parents? If not, they probably think you're just being unreliable. I think if it's at all possible you should try to stick to your original promise, otherwise you might possibly find they're not reliable for you when you need their help.

It’s just one day. I would do it to help the situation but then you need a family chat about it. I would be honoured to feel trusted with grandchildren

Edge26

A few weeks ago I was asked by my Son and DIL if I would look after my 2yr GS so my son could take a trip to the seaside for a event he was attending and DIL would take other 5yr GS with them so she could take him on beach fair etc. The reason they wanted me to look after younger GS was because she could'nt cope with looking after both of them on her own. Because of long ongoing issues with my son they knew I would not go to seaside with them so I agreed to have GS with me. Fast forward a few weeks later I told my Son I had changed my mind and wouldn't be having my GS on that day, I can't explain why as it is to painful but what I will say is my son is very abusive to me when he can't get his own way. I have given them ample time to ask members of DIL family to help out and thought they had sorted it. Now the time is nearly here and apparently they have been let down and have asked me again. I've said no and now am being made to feel guilty as Dil has said she will have to stop at home. I'm pretty sure they can get someone else to do it for them or even take someone else with them. Thoughs and advice please.

I think that you are being ridiculous. Both in tolerating your son being abusive to you ever and in not wanting to help out and have your grandson on this rare occasion. Life is about family. Stop this, whatever it is that you are playing at.

You obviously have personal reason as to why you couldn't go with them and that is your business.

Why did they have two children is DIL cannot cope with them? Maybe there's also some underlying issue which occurred after the second child was born - again that's their business.

In response to your post, don't feel pressured to have the 2 year old, you've made your decision and your son should respect that. It's a day at the seaside for heavens sake, not a world tour! Tell the DIL to stay home with both children.

icanhandthemback,
Thank you for your reply. This is the only time I have been asked and I have changed my mind about babysitting.
Perhaps I was wrong to say yes in the first instance but I did give them plenty of notice so they could rearrange.
My son thinks it is my duty to do everything he asks of me regarding my GC and dosen't seem to think I have a life of my own to and because I don't work anymore I can drop everthing when he wants something doing regarding my GC.
When I have my GC with me they become my responsibility, when I hand them back they become their parent's. My son dosen't see this, I don't know why.
If I am asked to do anything and I can't I am the world's worst mother and if I can do it then I am the best mother in the world. This is what it is like. My son has said some terrible things to me and this is what I can't forgive.
I welcome your advice and will act on it in the future.

Chestnut

Assuming that you have a very good reason for not having him there is nothing else to be done. You have explained that you can't do it and presumably why, so the outcome cannot be changed. The ball is in their court to find someone else, but this could cause a permanent rift if they take offence. You need a watertight and fully justifiable reason for not having him, and if possible should have him if you want to maintain good relations with your family.

This is a very good answer.

I would only back out for health problems. They will have been looking forward to the trip.
There could be a good reason not to take the two year old, we do not know.

To be fair, we only know one side of the story and Edge26 has not divulged why she was letting her son down with the baby sitting on this occasion.

We don't know if Edge26 has been a bit flaky with saying she'll do something and then changing her mind in the past which makes her son appear abusive or what the relationship between the both of them has been in the past so I won't denigrate either party. What I will say is that, for whatever reason, there appears to be a mismatch between the two parties which is played out over and over again. I get you want to see your GC and don't want to be excluded from their life but you need to put your line in the sand. Make it clear in your head so you know what you are prepared to do before the question is asked. If you say you are going to do something then do it unless something really serious outside of your control makes it impossible. If your withdrawal from an agreement is down to abuse, be very clear as to why you are withdrawing so your son gets the message that you will not tolerate bad behaviour.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the toxic cycle that we do not see what we bring to it. Perhaps you need to seeks relationship advice or counselling to work out exactly what is going wrong at your end. Be prepared to be honest with yourself and take on board constructive criticism. These things are rarely completely one side's fault. If this is going on, your GC will be suffering too and you really don't want that.

I do hope you get things sorted because I'd put money on it that neither side is happy.

Of course she should be able to complain. There are too many parents putting up with their manipulative and abusive AC because they're frightened of losing all contact with their GC.

Edge is not to blame here, her son is.

If Edge chooses to continue babysitting knowing what the risks are, then she should not be complaining how abusive his son is

She chooses the consequences with her actions

You've got a point there Hithere but I can understand Edge wanting to spend as much time with her GC as she can, while she can.

It wouldn't do for me but we're all different aren't we, and I always say we were lucky to have never really known, and had a relationship with our only GC before they were taken away.

Also, the longer she sees them, the more memories will be
made and if heaven forbid, they do eventually stop her seeing the children, when they're older they may well want to reconnect with the GM they love and lost.

I bet the son and dil, as soon as they do not need OP, will drop her and she wouldnt see the gc anyway

Kids grow up and become more independent - is she going to choose to be abused for a decade more (at the most) so she can see her gc?

Yes but Edge worries that if she stops babysitting, she wont see her GC at all. Between a rock and hard place springs to mind so not easy at all.