AIBU

Edge26
I'm confused. Sorry.
Your son is/was going to an event at a seaside. So your DiL decided she'd go, too. What was this event and how long would it have taken?
Two year old possibly would have been in a buggy, but I see no reason why she wouldn't want to take him, too, as seaside fairs have rides for toddlers as well as older children!
I feel there is something else, like maybe you feel they're lying to you or just using you as an excuse. Would her family have had the older child, maybe, so she wanted to rid herself of both that day so she could attend the event, too?

Edge26

A few weeks ago I was asked by my Son and DIL if I would look after my 2yr GS so my son could take a trip to the seaside for a event he was attending and DIL would take other 5yr GS with them so she could take him on beach fair etc. The reason they wanted me to look after younger GS was because she could'nt cope with looking after both of them on her own. Because of long ongoing issues with my son they knew I would not go to seaside with them so I agreed to have GS with me. Fast forward a few weeks later I told my Son I had changed my mind and wouldn't be having my GS on that day, I can't explain why as it is to painful but what I will say is my son is very abusive to me when he can't get his own way. I have given them ample time to ask members of DIL family to help out and thought they had sorted it. Now the time is nearly here and apparently they have been let down and have asked me again. I've said no and now am being made to feel guilty as Dil has said she will have to stop at home. I'm pretty sure they can get someone else to do it for them or even take someone else with them. Thoughs and advice please.

Omg who is she ! 2 and 5 she can’t cope
And you say your son gets abusive toward you if all doesn’t fit within his plans ie toys thrown out of pram son sounds like a control freak manipulates
The people around him she is obviously weary of him he's abusive towards you his mum his wife has no chance , no opinion , if it’s his idea it’s a good idea otherwise when I say jump
You ask how high ! If the children have his ways doubt if she can cope also notice if nobody offers to have the younger of the two she won’t be going
No mention of ??? not going
My advice you have one life it’s not a rehearsal live it to the full your worth more don’t you think ?
time is precious age is cruel
Abuse theirs no excuse he should be ashamed that’s not what us mums are
Here for

I have two grown up sons if either were abusive to me in anyway l would tell them not to bother coming back. I had enough of that with their father. Stand your ground they can't be abusive then use you for free child care.

Gabrielle56

Abusive sons are the pits! I really wish I'd had one of each now my younger son is a total unmentionable ( think sewage)

Honestly, my daughter is worse than both my boys. She has disowned me on so many occasions I can't even count them on both my hands and feet! My boys are pussy cats by comparison and my sons would never dream of using their kids as pawns or abuse me for not being able to help them.

Hithere

Edge

If your dil wants to work 2 days a week, your son and dil are responsible for making proper care arrangements

What would they do if you were not available? They should do that

As for being abused no matter what answer you give your son, why do you keep putting yourself in the line of fire?
Stop this game you are participating in and perpetuating

Edge much as I understand your desire to see your grandchildren, I have to agree with Hithere that for your own sake and health you need to withdraw from this situation.

Abusive sons are the pits! I really wish I'd had one of each now my younger son is a total unmentionable ( think sewage)

Edge

If your dil wants to work 2 days a week, your son and dil are responsible for making proper care arrangements

What would they do if you were not available? They should do that

As for being abused no matter what answer you give your son, why do you keep putting yourself in the line of fire?
Stop this game you are participating in and perpetuating

NotSpaghetti

It's not good to change your mind for reasons other than illness is my thoughts.
I would not do this and would be annoyed if someone had cancelled unless it was a really extraordinary/extreme reason (or illness).

That said, I don't understand why your daughter-in-law can't manage to take the little 2 year old as well as her 5 year old to the seaside without a helper. Unless maybe she herself is incapacitated in some way.

Agree that illness is the only valid reason. Also agree that unless she has issues preventing her from minding her own kids, all I will say is keep your head down for a while, don't poke at it and hope they don't have any more uncontrollables!

Hithere

I cannot believe you still talk to them, given your background.

Unlike HiThere, I can't believe they still talk to YOU!

Thanks for all your comments etc on my subject.
Yes, maybe I should have said no in the first instance but to be honest if I had of said no the outcome would still have been the same, I didn't take my decision lightly though and definitely didn't leave them in the lurch so to speak.
I have tried to talk to my Son and DIL , it works for a bit and then the cycle starts again if they can't get there own way.
The reason I still look after my GS's twice a week is so DIL can work.
Elleks,
Yes, you were probably right in what you said.
I am going to be more assertive in the future as all of this has caused me much suffering and anxiety.

Your son sounds like he has controlling and abusive behaviour and you are his vulnerable target. However I have heard of other children who expect (and demand) that grandma becomes cheap childcare, and then having a tantrum because granny says no. Why do these people have children when they can’t look after them themselves?

Perhaps it would help you to seek some counselling, just to talk it through with somebody else. It is difficult to say no to family but children of all ages can be very selfish, and may be a few coping tactics would be helpful. Saying that it sounds like your son could do with some sort of therapy - but - if he is a true narcissist then no help is possible (because they’re never wrong it’s always someone else’s fault (eg D Trump).

Self preservation is not a sin.

Edge26 I have only just seen your post from June regarding reporting your son to the police.
I have had to do the same myself. Just wanted you to know you are not alone, and well done for making the decision. Abuse is unacceptable.

I fully understand that you have your own reasons for saying no but I will say that, nearly 30 years ago I asked my MiL to babysit our daughter as my husband had a 'work's do'. My parents, who lived nearer to us, were on holiday at the time so obviously couldn't babysit.
MiL said yes, she would and on the very afternoon we were due to drop our daughter off to her she rang and said she had other plans so couldn't have her that evening as she had theatre tickets.
I never forgave her.

I’m assuming you told your son the reason why you couldn’t have child. I understand that they mad at you but no reason for abuse but can’t understand why mum can’t take both children with her. I mean when mine were 2-4 I’d climb onto a 24hr coach ferry and train from Germany to Newcastle with a buggy and suitcase lol because my hubby was away with army and I wanted to see my parents. But hopefully you can work it out with them and they shouldn’t hold to ransom to see your grandkids.

OP, sorry to hear you are going through this. I understand sadly as a younger brother has anger problems and after an outburst from him 5 years ago, I suggested that we only meet if his wife is with him. She is lovely.

But I also have a distant cousin who’s a friend, whose daughter asked her if she could have her DGS for two weeks whilst the rest went on holiday to Florida Disney, because ‘ she can’t cope with his tantrums’. My cousin said no.

But I thought - it starts again, alienation of one child.

Good luck with your issues. You don’t have to take it from your DS.

Personally I’d never have agreed to have them in the first instance and if I had agreed I’d move heaven and earth to keep to that agreement. As for those saying why can’t Mum cope ? Maybe she just wanted to spend some quality time with the five year old doing some slightly more grown up activities like the fair and sea which would be quite hard to do with a lively toddler

BlueBelle

Sharon
No means no is correct, but Edge said YES and then later said NO
It wasn’t about taking the children to the seaside it was about not wanting to take a baby (2 year old) to a funfair !!!! quite different

To quote Edge: I have given them ample time to ask members of DIL family to help out and thought they had sorted it.
Surely we are all entitled to change our mind.
Disappointing to let someone down I know and I do agree that under the circumstances with her son's behaviour towards her she should have said no in the first place.
Be assertive from now on Edge.
Don't feel obliged to do something you don't want to do just to please others.
Yes, I have been to assertiveness classes some years ago. Well worth considering it.

Personally I would have continued with the arrangement. both my daughters have been very abusive and toxic toward me in the past but I belive children should not be used as pones by either side. If you had agreed no matter what had happened, I think you should have stuck to that. The first time he asked was the time to say no if feeling were so bad between you.
Over the years My girls have send me to the naughty seat, ignored me, sent me to Coventry, lied about me slagged me off to others, for but I never ever play back. I am always the better person I will not argue. In the end of the day they need me more then I need them, as they need baby sisters and all sorts of help so I just be the better person. If you play back then they feel justified in their actions toward you.

I hope you can sort this out as the biigest loser in this is the two year old in my view .

Whilst you have my sympathy for your relationship with your son I can’t understand why you can’t go through with this favour and yet are happy to still look after your GCs twice a week.

I suppose the couple could always consider paying for a babysitter, rather than relying on mummy to step in every time.

Sharon
No means no is correct, but Edge said YES and then later said NO
It wasn’t about taking the children to the seaside it was about not wanting to take a baby (2 year old) to a funfair !!!! quite different

It's not in any way unreasonable to change your mind, but history with your son shows that any unmet "need" of his is seen as unreasonable.
You know that, so I'm not sure why you are expecting this time to be any different.
Your son is abusive, so the word "no" is always going to cause upset.

I remember my MIL cancelling babysitting at short notice - on one occasion it was right at the last minute and we were going to a business dinner. it was very annoying as we rarely asked for her help - certainly not to go to the seaside!! If you can help it will help your relationship -

Perhaps you can find a local assertiveness course? Then you would be equipped to deal with requests. Even if you just say you’ll let them know tomorrow if you can help. It avoids you being pushed in to doings things that you are not happy with.

Make a decision then stick to it otherwise you are letting them down and don’t make excuses that they can argue about.

Just say NO,

You changed your mind?

Yes unreasonable.

Either your son is abusive in which case you need to withdraw from the relationship and don’t agree to babysit
Or
You agree to babysit and you stick to it

You say “too painful” to say why but this is a cop out because how else can we reasonably say anything