Feel so Bad when I have to say no

biglouis I am broadly in agreement with you, I actually find people who are always prepared to be amenable and agree with evrything and never have any views or will of their own, intensely agravating.

Apart from anything else they force other people to act in a selfish and seemingly uncaring manner, because, as you can never find out what they really feel or want beyond their constant agreement with you, you are forced to only consider your own wants and needs when asking for anything or doing anything.

I actually really hate having to do anything with people pleasers. Has it ever occurred to a people-pleaser how really irritating they can be?

I dont understand the "people pleaser" mentality and have never had the slightest difficulty or guilt about saying no. Ive made an art form of being "difficult to contact" especially in the days before smart phones. Even smartphones can be "in another room/on charge/low battery or out of credit". Not a single one of my neighbours has my phone number or email address and thats exactly how I like it.

Gabrielle56, have you let them know you are available and wanting to watch the grandkids? Seems like they would appreciate the offer.
I have sometimes felt used by one of our AC when asked to house sit while they go on a trip with their in-laws, but overall, I'm glad they know I will help them out and they are appreciative.

Gabrielle56 - how sad!! You haven’t seen them since you declined to look after the GK ? That’s one of the most unbelievable reasons for estrangement ..

Edge26

Icanhandthemback,
A lot like my son.

It sounds like it. I spent years wondering what I was doing wrong not realising that her personality disorder was a major part of the problem. I am gradually learning how how handle it but sometimes I still manage to upset the apple cart!

Kate1949. It's lovely that you and your DH are happy with each other, and don't feel the need to accept invitations from friends.
I have known a few couples who were 'joined at the hip' and did everything together. Sadly, there comes a time when one of them dies, often the husband. The surviving partner is left alone, bereft, and her friends have long since given up on inviting her anywhere.
Please think carefully about keeping connections with others, even if only occasionally.

I never used to be able to say no or if I did I gave an excuse that sounded lame or open to compromise. My DH said No is a very small word difficult to say but practise and give no excuses.
I now find it has released me from anxiety and I say it when it is needed. I wish I had learned when I was a lot younger.

MY DH and I babysat for our daughter for years. (Children now grown up). She and her H loved going out with friends and sometimes didn't get home till midnight. We never refused and luckily we lived only a mile away. Recently at a family gathering she introduced a neighbour (who popped in uninvited) to the group as the person who used to baby sit for her.
I'm still smarting a bit.

My husband gave me a cork with 'No!' written on it. I carry my 'no cork' in my handbag and I am supposed to put it in my mouth whenever I am tempted to volunteer (or be volunteered) for anything.

Gabriel56 The sad truth is that if the relationship was as you describe. if you had said yes to this, they would by now have found some other reason to cut you out of their lives.

Sadly, estrangement was clearly inevitable, no matter what your decision.

Our family were brought up to believe men were wondrous creatures, and females there to make there lives easier. A very misogynistic family, to this day. My two sisters admit they've had counselling to learn to say no, and not be walkd over. I'm the only married one and haven't had time to learn the skill, so yes feel utterly destroyed if I have to say no to anyone for anything. I agreed yesterday to have my DGD for 2 hours a week, 30 miles from home, for over 3 months while my daughter does a course...Will have to leave during rush hour, use the motorway, then find some form of amusement for a 2 year old...No just wouldn't come out!

I have never had a problem saying no. I am cautious by nature and do not like being backed into doing things I really do not want to do or that worry me.

It is much easier to prevaricate about whether you will do something and then say yes when you have given it some thought, even if it is only a couple of minutes, than agree to do something that you then realise is a big mistake but cannot back out of.

Gabrielle56

I reluctantly said no to minding GK when we had raging chest infections and GK both had chicken pox.......that was Feb 2018.....never seen them since...talk about regret!

Don’t regret it. You were being used and they should have offered help to you when you were ill not take the hump because you were unable to mind the GKs

Icanhandthemback,
A lot like my son.

Kartush,
I am the same as you when it comes to saying no and it has caused me quite a lot if heartache.
Now after so much advice especially from Gransnet I am becoming more assertive and have started to say no more often so please try not to feel so guilty.
Diamond lily,
You are so right in what you say.

If people turn nasty when you say “no” they are the ones with the problems. If you have received help in the past from them but refuse their request that is your problem.

I'm going to say 'no' to the Tories at the next General Election and I won't lose any sleep over that.

Try to practice buying some time. I try not to say yes or no straight away but say I’ll think about it. I don’t dither and give them an answer quickly but it’s more likely to be the right one

I wish it was easier to say “No” to my boss when he asks me to do things beyond my job description and which are part of his! . I am trying to pluck up the courage at my Appraisal to mention this. I have sympathy for the OP re people-pleasing too.

Whiff

Kartush it's because you are a mom and have a big heart and care about family and friends alike. It's who you are . Guilt about saying no is part of being a parent. But your daughter will understand. Trouble is you don't like to let people down . But hopefully you are having time to live your own life as well. As both you and your husband need some me time.

I get your point Whiff, but disagree.

Guilt about saying no should never be "part of being a parent" and would not be if you had taught your children as they grew up that being grown up means standing on your own feet.

Obviously, we are happy to help family and friends, when we can, but we have the right to make plans without consulting them, and having done so are allowed to say pleasantly, "Sorry love, we are invited out this week-end," or whatever is applicable and NOT FEEL GUILTY AT ALL.

With my children I tell them they can always ask me if I can do something as long as they don't mind me saying no. My daughter seriously takes it as an indication that I don't love her or her kids so I have to phrase it carefully.

So understand! I get a lot of comfort from the film character Shirley Valentine. She may be a fictional character but her initial situation is similar to that of absolutely countless women. Not recommending you do what she did, nor have I, but she DOES draw a line with daughter and husband, as well as with friend, and endures their annoyance, etc. Does the annoyance last? No. Will your guilt last? No, not if you don’t let it. There is hope.

I also find it very difficult to say no, but my go to now is just to say I’m sorry but that isn’t going to work for me because…..add excuse. N.b. Washing hair is not good enough!

A friend only seemed to ask me for lunch if her husband was busy and off I used to trot waiting on the next time he went to golf or something and she was at a loose end to call again. So now when she messages me she's free for lunch, I just say no I can't, I'm busy.
I've finally got a backbone and I'm not be used by her again.

@Gabrielle56, it is very puerile of the children to not allow you to see the grandkids, because if you had passed on the chest infection, they would not have been pleased... and you could have got shingles from the children's chicken pox, or cold sores. @Kartush, You do not owe anyone a yes - or even an explaination as to why you said "no". You are not a robot - or a doormat.