Feel so Bad when I have to say no

This is the definition of people pleaser personality

The first time you say no is the hardest, it gets easier with practice.

You can do it! Trust me, people should not offended when you say no to an invite or ask to modify the plan because it is not convenient for you

If they get offended, that's a different issue and generally speaking, not your problem

I did an assertiveness training at work many years ago and it was one of the most useful courses they did. How to say no - you start your answer to an unwanted request by always saying something positive - e.g. “I’m very flattered that you thought of me, but I really don’t have the time to make paper flowers right now” , or “Little George is such a lovely chap , but I can’t have him this weekend” . Thank the person. such as - “Thank you for the invite, the concert sounds amazing , but we have other plans that weekend and won’t be able to make it, hope it all goes well”. Practise saying something positive - “Thank you for thinking of me, but…..” It does work !

Kartush it's because you are a mom and have a big heart and care about family and friends alike. It's who you are . Guilt about saying no is part of being a parent. But your daughter will understand. Trouble is you don't like to let people down . But hopefully you are having time to live your own life as well. As both you and your husband need some me time.

I learned to say no long ago, and one of the things that first surprised me about doing so is that the vast majority of the time, it isn’t a big deal to the person you’re saying no to. They will either already have a plan B, will be able to create one very quickly, or my not being somewhere/doing something makes no difference to their plans at all..

I agree with previous posters; be polite, and if anyone is offended (really rare in my experience), that’s their problem

As others have said, you need to be more assertive. Some of these ACs do seem to have an overweening sense of entitlement around their parents.?

They had the children, so the children are their responsibility, no one else's,

Babysitting is a favour, not a "given".

Only do what you want to do, and have time to do. You should also make sure to have "couple leisure" time with your DH.

Building your life around grandchildren is not always wise. ?

Whiff

Kartush it's because you are a mom and have a big heart and care about family and friends alike. It's who you are . Guilt about saying no is part of being a parent. But your daughter will understand. Trouble is you don't like to let people down . But hopefully you are having time to live your own life as well. As both you and your husband need some me time.

I think the same.
Also you have said yes so many times that it has become a pattern for you and for family who ask you to do things.
Start saying no in a small way, is it an emergency or really important that you help out, in which case say yes, but not all that important, then say no.Gradually reduce what you say yes to.

I was dreadful at this and spent so much time doing things I didn't want to do. Worse than that I'd dread doing them for ages before and so waste that time too.

Then my husband became ill and had to be my top priority. When I said no to requests I was amazed to find that what Zonne said is true....people just didn't mind. After that had happened several times it became much easier. Luckily my husband is fit and well again now, but I still say no if I want to.

You have to be a priority, however hard that is at first.

I have said no in the past and never given it a second thought.
And no-one has ever asked why,it`s what you should say if you are not up to it or just do not want to do it.
I am pretty sure i have been tod no in the past and again never given it a second thought
If you can,you can,it you don`t want to then thats it.

I think you need to boost your self-respect. Why should you feel bad about not accepting an invitation when you are already going to be busy doing something else that is just as, if not more, important.

Sorry to be so blunt but I can't help thinking "Get Real!". What you want to do is important too, not just what other people want you to do.

I have posted this before Kartush but it resonated with me

" if you never say no what is your yes worth"

We all need to look after ourselves in order to help others effectively.

I'm terrible at saying no. I've put myself and my husband in some uncomfortable predicaments over the years.
Neither of us do the 'friends' thing. We have never felt the need for friends. However, after I retired, quite a few ex colleagues used to ask me to meet them for lunch. I would go, not wishing to offend. Obviously when Covid hit, this stopped and I was relieved.
It's started up again now but I have so far said no. I still feel a bit bad but as Baggs said, what I want to do is important too.

Never really had a problem with saying no, if something is an emergency then yes of course I will help out, it all depends on the situation, if I would like to do something then it’s a yes, if it’s going to upset something I’ve already got planned then it’s a no, we can’t always be available at the drop of a hat, I certainly don’t feel guilty I don’t give it a second thought to be honest, turn it around would the people that are asking you to help them out do the same for you everytime, nothing worse than saying yes to something and wishing you hadn’t agreed to it, which is going to happen if you keep on saying yes to every scenario, if you have been a people pleaser for many years it’s going to hard to change but doesn’t mean it can’t be done, agree with Baggs, and timetogo

I’m the same, find it quite hard to say no, especially to family and then I can end up feeling stressed out because I’ve taken too many things on.
I’m getting a little better at it but if it’s how you’ve always been it’s not easy. I’ll always try & help when I can but there has to be some give & take & we can’t just be expected to be available at the drop of a hat! Sometimes I’ve said yes to a social event with friends when deep down I’ve not really been bothered about going but then I’ve gone along & really enjoyed myself so I suppose that’s a positive side to it.

Saying no is often also about respecting the other person, the person who's asking. My father taught me this when I was faffing around with silly excuses not to go out with some boy. He said that a straight "No!" and putting the phone down cannot be misinterpreted and so it is fairer and 'nicer' to the asker.

In this thread we are talking about other asks than that one but the principle is the same: be straight with people. If you've too much on your plate already or simply don't want to do something then be clear about that. In many circumstances you don't have to give an excuse either, just a sorry, that doesn't suit me/us.

Is it because it bothers you if people say no to you?

I guess I have just got used to the one who is always available to do the things people need to have done. And you are all quite correct, I do need to set boundaries and choose when I say yes and when I say no, it is hard though
@Elizabeth27 no it is not because it bothers me if people say no to me because to be honest I dont ask people to do things for me, I just do things myself

That is BRILLIANT advice !! Thank you so much for sharing

Kartush I actually envy you. Now I have served my purpose it seems financially, I have been made redundant. I would give anything to be asked to look after my little grandson or even the dog but alas no. Don't feel bad or be taken advantage of.

I reluctantly said no to minding GK when we had raging chest infections and GK both had chicken pox.......that was Feb 2018.....never seen them since...talk about regret!

I have just told a neighbour that we will not be doing birthday or Christmas pressies this year. She was astonished.

I feel good that I have had the courage to do this.

vegansrock

I did an assertiveness training at work many years ago and it was one of the most useful courses they did. How to say no - you start your answer to an unwanted request by always saying something positive - e.g. “I’m very flattered that you thought of me, but I really don’t have the time to make paper flowers right now” , or “Little George is such a lovely chap , but I can’t have him this weekend” . Thank the person. such as - “Thank you for the invite, the concert sounds amazing , but we have other plans that weekend and won’t be able to make it, hope it all goes well”. Practise saying something positive - “Thank you for thinking of me, but…..” It does work !

I really like that idea of starting with something positive, I plan to try it next time!

Kartush - I agree completely with vegansrock.

It's all in the words which you appear not to be able to actually say.

Add to the formula "Oh, in normal circumstances I'd be happy to, but right now I have other commitments". That's it.

Any come back to you on that statement shows that the person doesn't respect you because they are asking you to forego your commitments for them and are expecting you to be manipulated.

@Gabrielle56, it is very puerile of the children to not allow you to see the grandkids, because if you had passed on the chest infection, they would not have been pleased... and you could have got shingles from the children's chicken pox, or cold sores. @Kartush, You do not owe anyone a yes - or even an explaination as to why you said "no". You are not a robot - or a doormat.

A friend only seemed to ask me for lunch if her husband was busy and off I used to trot waiting on the next time he went to golf or something and she was at a loose end to call again. So now when she messages me she's free for lunch, I just say no I can't, I'm busy.
I've finally got a backbone and I'm not be used by her again.