Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

Help - strained relationship with grandkids because off DIL methods

(46 Posts)
AngelaGran Sat 30-Jul-22 11:54:07

I have just had my 50th Wedding anniversary and our son and family came over from Canada for the event. Of course that was wonderful and so looked forward to. However, it became apparent that because of the smothering that their mother has done to them they only want their mother - they are 7yrs and 5yrs. I fixed up theatre/London trips and were denied sitting next to them on the train, holding their hand in London, and basically only going where the DIL wanted to. I have tried everything to be a good MIL and grandparent and was left feeling so depressed after they went back. Has anyone else had the same experience?

Norah Sat 30-Jul-22 15:01:05

I'm sorry, I don't understand the problem, who was smothered, and why any of this is to DIL not your son?

PollyDolly Sat 30-Jul-22 15:02:47

If the GC are only 7 and 5 years old and you haven't been in their lives regularly then they are hardly likely to know you well enough to want to hold your hand or sit with you and away from their Mum are they?

Just be grateful that they were able to visit and celebrate your wedding anniversary, it certainly doesn't mean that their Mum has smothered them.

welbeck Sat 30-Jul-22 15:06:26

i think this must be written by the DIL, probably hoping UK grannie will read and reflect.

yggdrasil Sat 30-Jul-22 16:12:05

When my grandson was 5 or so, he was very against hugs. So I said it was rude to ignore people being friendly, and taught him to shake hands. He is now 10 and still does it when introduced to an adult for the first time. (He can tell right hand from left as a side effect)

notgran Sat 30-Jul-22 16:33:00

AngelaGran. Congratulations on your 50th Wedding Anniversary and having a family who travel 1000s of miles to spend it with you. Count your blessings.

Hithere Sat 30-Jul-22 17:18:08

If there was smothering, it didn't come from the dil

By the way, where OP's son stand here? "Stuck in the middle"?

sodapop Sat 30-Jul-22 17:37:00

notgran

AngelaGran. Congratulations on your 50th Wedding Anniversary and having a family who travel 1000s of miles to spend it with you. Count your blessings.

I agree with notgran enjoy the time with your family without resentment.

BlueBelle Sat 30-Jul-22 17:48:57

Well that went well
Nothing to add I agree with all the posters you’re expecting too much my friend accept that they came to visit and celebrate your anniversary and you met the grandkids

Smileless2012 Sat 30-Jul-22 18:07:38

Congratulations.

When did you last see them prior to this visit AngelaGran? I ask because I think it's very relevant. They wont know you in the same way if you lived in the same country and saw them on a regular basis.

Even if you have regular Facetime chats, it's not the same. They're still young aren't they at 7 and 5, in a country not dissimilar to where they live but still different, not home and a long way from home.

If they are being smothered, and TBH I'm not sure why you think so, they have two parents so it's not necessarily just your d.i.l.

You had your son and family with you to celebrate your 50th wedding anniversary. Not everyone's as fortunate even though their AC and family live in the same country.

Nightsky2 Sat 30-Jul-22 18:08:16

I’m sorry you feel disappointed but please don’t take it too personally.

Your DGC were in a strange country for starters. It’s only natural they would want to stay close to their mum. Strange country, strange accents, strange everything. Try not to let it get you down.

Happy anniversary.??

Jaxjacky Sat 30-Jul-22 19:05:55

Another post where OP doesn’t return.

Norah Sat 30-Jul-22 19:58:26

Perhaps, AngelaGran, you could re-frame your attitude "my GC are 5&7, my son brought them 1000s of miles - maybe I should be happy."

rafichagran Sat 30-Jul-22 20:51:58

Things like this do not bother me, I dont care whose hand they hold. Please dont look for problems.

MercuryQueen Sat 30-Jul-22 20:53:12

1000s of miles, time zones, different everything, of COURSE young children are going to cling to their mother!

I mean, people even SOUND different than at home. Mom and Dad are their security in a strange place. I wouldn’t be surprised if they glommed onto their mom like the face hugger on Aliens!

Luckygirl3 Sat 30-Jul-22 23:05:40

There is no problem here at all.

Shelflife Sat 30-Jul-22 23:14:58

Your GC had travelled a long way and were in a strange environment. What did you expect? They are very young and needed the security of their Mum. You may be Grandma but the reality is they don't know you and why would you expect them to feel comfortable holding your hand ? Please don't let your feelings spoil the pleasure of having seen them all, it must have been wonderful to see them and I do understand how much you had looked forward to being with your GC. Don't take it personally, Mum was simply trying to reassure them .

Mandrake Sat 30-Jul-22 23:29:01

They are only five and seven. Do they really know you at all? If you are a stranger to them, their reaction is normal. It takes time to build relationships and this is harder with overseas based grandchildren.

Congratulations on your milestone anniversary.

Farzanah Sun 31-Jul-22 10:36:22

Odd when OP doesn’t return ?

MerylStreep Sun 31-Jul-22 10:46:09

I’m honestly sure that there are some adults who forget what it was like to be a child.

HeavenLeigh Sun 31-Jul-22 11:02:20

Heavens above! So your Dil isn’t flavour of the month, smothering! That’s very nasty, why don’t you look at the bigger picture here, your grandchildren have come over to a strange country they are very young, what on earth do you expect, and you only went where your dil wanted to, what about your son in all this, I presume he behaved perfectly! Be grateful they came thousands of miles to see you,