Mother's move to be closer to family

I would be daunted moving again at 59!
I have a husband who would help.

You are not being selfish and uncaring. I sounds like your mother is in a little bit of denial.

Is it too late to hire packers?

I sympathise with how you feel but your mother is in her late eighties; it would be very unkind not to help/supervise her packing up her home and making possibly her last house move. She is not as competent as she once was despite being active and appearing to be pretty independent. Moving house is traumatic for many people much younger than your mother and you need to grit your teeth, hold onto your temper and make one last journey to ensure the move goes smoothly. Could your adult children help?

I wouldn't say you're being selfish and uncaring but I do think you are being unreasonable. Your mother is in her late 80's and lost her husband, your dad just 18 months ago. She probably forgot what she'd agreed too with you, you've said yourself she has minor memory issues.

Moving is a challenging and stressful at the best of times, even when a lot younger than your mum and with a husband by your side. I do hope that this move will be a good thing for you, your family and your mum and that you thought the whole thing through carefully.

Maybe you need to adjust your expectations of what your mum's capable of doing and remembering.

I found the only way to cope with this kind of dithering is to forget I’m a Daughter and think of my Mum ( gone 20 yrs ago) as a client , do what has to be done as you would help a neighbour , and fume on here if it helps

Poor old soul. I am only 67, and found moving house very hard when my husband died. It took me far longer than I thought it would to pack everything up. I was really cheesed off when neither of my two offspring took any leave to help me move out on the actual day, I was left to say goodbye to my lovely home of over 30 years all on my own. It's traumatic for an older person to move to what will be their final home, especially after losing a life partner.

I’ve supported an elderly neighbour for some years with memory problems.
She has known since last February that she is moving. I liaised with her daughter as to me helping. I don’t need to go into details because you’ve been there ?
We live in a lovely friendly street where we all seem to know one another and are very friendly.
One day I was exhausted ( mentally) and we had distributed at lot of stuff to different neighbours.
When I left she asked everyone for it back !!!!!!

Everyone needs someone to help them move, so you really must do what is right and help her. She can't do it alone, especially at her age. I moved 200 miles at age 68 and it was daunting, my friend helped me as I have no car. I don't know how I would have managed without her.

I imagine she's scared of being alone at her age with no family nearby and just wants to be near people who love her. Just give her your love and support because you don't know how long you will have her, and once she's gone you will miss her like anything.

Oh Meryl, how sweet.

OP, i think your mum is probably a lot less able than you imagine.
dementia is a progressive condition, and as you have been focused on all these practical matters, you may not have realised that she now needs much more support in daily living.
you might as well be angry at a toddler doing silly things, it's pointless.
she cannot reliably perform tasks.
you need to lead and decide and assist.
good luck.

Smileless
I didn’t feel sweet when I got home. More a head banging the wall moment ?
How many carrier bags does someone need. 3 black sacks stuffed to gunwales. Any advance on that ? ?

I think you need to look past this and just get her moved. The stress of it all will be telling on you all. We had the same thing when my mum was moving never even emptied her wardrobe of clothes but sat looking through her button tin on the morning she was moving!

Why not just pay for a full packing and moving service? The removal company will provide all the packing materials, will turn up on the day, pack everything, shove it all on the lorry. It will be deposited in your mum's new place, with the furniture in the places she wants it and the labelled boxes in the correct rooms. You can help her unpack those, which is much much less stressful than packing.

good idea.

I'm sure it must have been very frustrating Meryl, I think I'd have had a head banging moment too .

Zonne
Oh if only it was as simple as that ??‍♀️
Meanwhile, in the real world.

jdip, how awful for you. I agree with aggie - treat your mum as a client in your own mind, to preserve sanity.

My parents put a lot onto neighbours - partly because they had grown up in different times. When younger, and really up until near-old age, they were the 'go to' people in their street. It wasn't that they thought they were 'owed' in any way, but in their world, it was how things were done.

If money isn't an issue, and you have POA, then I would get movers in. Don't worry abut the freezer. Tell neighbour she is welcome to the contents!

I think you have to set aside some time in a lump to deal with this. Doing it in small amounts adds to the confusion for her I'm afraid. Without knowing your finances or other commitments, I'd suggest a week (an airb'n'b?) in the immediate run up to the move so you can deal with everything, no backsliding! Probably less daunting than the '2 steps forward, 1 back' that you are experiencing, but of course I don't know how feasible it is.

There is a lady local to me, who works with Age UK and helps with this stuff - her 'fee' is the house clearance afterwards. I haven't clue if this is widespread.

good luck!

jdip you're not being selfish and uncaring, but I'm afraid you are being unrealistic if you expect your mum to do anything much by herself.

Talk to the removal firm and explain the problems you're having. They should be able to do a lot to help.
The firm we used told us not to empty drawers, they just brought them as they were. Hanging clothes went straight into a cardboard hanging "wardrobe" and straight into the new house.
I was amazed how little actual "packing" we had to do.

Your poor mother, I imagine that with minor memory issues anyway the stress of moving is proving very hard for her.

I think she needs all the help she can get, help her now and mutter under your breath if necessary, then sigh with relief when it’s all over, hire help if you need to.

I’m sure she is doing the very best she can, it’s a daunting experience, I wouldn’t want to do it and I’m only 70!

Thanks for all your comments. I am now in her new home decorating with my sons so it's lovely for her to come into. Sons can't help on the day as they both work and have very young children, sure they will be there to help unpack

As to the removers packing, we thought of that but she is significantly downsizing and can't expect anyone else to decide what goes and what doesn't

I have now calmed down and of course I will be there next week. The idea of her being a client rather than my mum is a good one to keep my anger to myself.

I do understand Dementia from working life but my mum has always expected everyone to do everything for her especially my dad which comes from a privileged childhood. I guess I shouldn't have expected anything different. As some of you have said I will not have her forever.

Whether or not your mother has always been inefficient is immaterial to what you decide. She is obviously too inefficient to make her own arrangements.

I am glad to learn from some contributors that removal firms are so efficient!

Hope the move goes well jdip and that your mum will be happy in her new home which you're going to a lot of trouble to make lovely for her.

I am 70 this year and hoping to move to a smaller property after DH's death. I feel overwhelmed by clearing out the house we shared for 30 odd years. i can't imagine how stressed your mum must be at her age. I also understand how difficult it is for you being so far away. I truely hope it goes well and she is happy in her new home.

No, you aren't being selfish, and it must be frustrating, but your mum is rather old to undertake this move. Good advice above to let a removal firm do it. I do hope it works out well and you have lots of happy times ahead with your mum.