Should i pay- tricky dilemma

Smileless2012

Simply be honest and say that you can't afford it, or offer a reduced amount toward the cost. If you don't say no to this the1bg you'll be expected to contribute to other things too.

If you offer a reduced contribution make it clear that you can't afford to pay toward anything else. If your extremely wealthy parents aren't prepared to purchase this for themselves, whose to say they'll make use of it anyway.

No need to feel guilty so don't allow anyone to make you feel that way.

Good advice Smileless

The issue here is the entitlement that your siblings and parents have over you and your resources

I agree. They have no right to dictate your spending.

No, you shouldn’t pay. Another contributor suggests simply saying ‘That doesn’t work for me,’ and I agree with her.

I’m currently sorting out care for my mother and as others have suggested, your parents need a proper OT assessment. I was told by an OT that the kind of electric bed purchased from an ordinary shop is unlikely to be safe if needed for physical difficulties.

One problem is that the bed controls can accidentally be used by the occupant in such a way that they can be shot off the end of the bed onto the floor and be left with serious injuries.

I apologise if this sounds harsh but I wonder if your siblings are thinking 'the more we put in, the more we get back' when your parents pass on?
Did they look around, or just go for the first bed they saw?
I think there'd be possibly cheaper alternatives, if they had bothered to look around. Plus, if it's a case if falling out if bed, you can get rails that slide between the mattress and base to help keep them in.
Definitely go for the payment plan, though, and let your siblings know you are not as well off as them!!
Good luck.

You should feel no guilt saying you can't afford it. Your parents can afford it themselves, so they should pay. If they don't and keep calling 999, surely that will result in some sort of referral that will assess their needs?

This is the time for you to be clear about your position and be firm. Otherwise next time something is needed, they'll expect you to do it again.

2 issues here:
1. The parent's 'need'
2. Your ability to join in the payment scheme.

I suggest that you tell your siblings you really can't afford this, and suggest the following:

Your siblings pay, and keep account. When parents dies, assuming you all inherit equally (do you know?) you will pay them back from your share.
If parent is as wealthy as you say, and isn't leaving it to the cats' home, you will easily be able to have slightly less than your siblings. If your siblings are as well off as you think (maybe need to be aware when you suggest this?) they can manage a slightly larger share now.

As for getting assessment of needs, it is an excellent idea, but the system is so stretched, I wouldn't rely on it.

If they contact 999 often enough the ambulance service will put in a referral to social services on their behalf... this is actually misuse of an emergency service.
Stay strong... they have funds.. do not be railroaded into giving money... if your siblings are SO concerned let them deal/pay for what is required themselves.
You have your future to think about as well.....

Do your parents have a Lifeline ? It may be called something else in your area . My uncle had one and you either wear it round your neck or on your wrist . It is a button connected to your telephone , if your parent falls out of bed they press for assistance , the telephone voice will ask them what their need is and will contact one of 3 designated phone numbers on parents behalf . I was down as first contact for my uncle and had to check on him a few times eg . When he fell out of bed or when his catheter blocked . I was able to help him myself or get him appropriate attention .
There is a fee for this service of about £15 per month or so but it gives peace of mind .
My uncle refused to have it at first but he fell in the bathroom one evening and was there all night until his neighbour noticed his curtains hadn’t been opened and call me to check him . He was 90 years old and to be on the floor for hours like that can badly damage your kidneys . It was after that that he agreed to have the call service installed .

If your siblings live near you, invite them all for a cup of coffee on Sunday and tell them what you have told us here.

Make it plain that you cannot afford to contribute to things they feel, and you agree, that your parents really do need.

Say you also have reservations about buying things your parents won't buy themselves. How likely are they to use them?

My parents certainly would not have used anything my sister or I suggested, but happily accepted the gadget if a doctor or nurse recommended it.

I frankly find it very wrong that your siblings are even considering just buying things your parents refuse and equally wrong that as your parents could afford to buy these things that their adult children are doing so for them.

This last part is strictly my opinion, and you probably won't want to mention it.

You have no need to feel guilty, so don't let yourself be persuaded into joining in this hare-brained scheme.

If your siblings don't live nearby, send them all a group e-mail on the subject. If they bring it up again, stand firm.

I have not read all replies so apologies if already posted. One option would be to keep paperwork and claim back off the estate when the time arises. I bought things for my parents when I saw a need and did not ask for payment though usually it was offered later. I used to say it was an advance christmas present and let it go. The most expensive was a stairlift that we insisted on if mother was to return from nursing home and live on her own. Another was a electric recliner that I managed to source second hand but on my next visit a brand new identical one had arrived for the other side of the room!

I know how you’re feeling. Your situation is similar to the one I was in only my parents wouldn’t have expected ANY of us to pay and certainly not me . Be strong. Tell them NO. Start putting yourself first for a change. Good luck!

You do not have to buy an electric bed if it is for health reasons they need it This is provided by the NHS funding if eligible, if not eligible they do not need it, and I would definitely not pay. It they siblings just think they need it regardless let them pay. Contact Social Services and have an assessment done, even your local enablement service can make an assessment and refer to panel if a bed is required. I highly recommend the Bakare beds which I received for my late husband when requiredhttps://www.googleadservices.com/pagead/aclk?sa=L&ai=DChcSEwixiJPO24f6AhVmgFAGHXRCC6oYABABGgJkZw&ae=2&ohost=www.google.com&cid=CAESa-D26ABKoMfT6QvgRvZ2giX1amQPGha2kqc1v2k4nKpLpogJAVcbwf2Q6osfjwfbMzqHSryA6nvte6GghGyTZ-YrqoVWaK9wYu8ERz4dkh76El7l_XuxmdD-pQR3RgfrTSXtLawti8mlqIAT&sig=AOD64_0xemacy7pX3yvUG7p6KGyB_7IGAg&q&adurl&ved=2ahUKEwj0w4rO24f6AhUMKMAKHb2eA-wQ0Qx6BAgGEAE

Been there, done that. If the parents have the finance, they should use it.............it's not your responsibility but when/if that finance is gone......then that's another conversation down the road. Don't feel pressurised. Perhaps one of the others could put in an extra share and.........get back an extra share at a later date.

I am not being hard here but as they 'don't see the need' then that should be that. The choice has to be theirs. The items should not be purchased by their children. Do stand firm on this...

If your parents do not want it, tell everyone else to stop interfering. No need to explain your own circumstances. Tell them if it was you you would hate having siblings bringing you hospital equipment to your home!

Surely, an NHS would suffice?

Juggernaut

As for not being able to access the bath, get their GP to give you the number for social services loans. LA social services loan out items such as bath lifts, wheelchairs, kettle tippers, wheelie- walkers etc, and it's never means tested.
We paid out for a stair lift for my DM, she used it for seven months, and when we sold it back to the suppliers, we lost 85% of the cost as it was 'second hand'!

I agree with this. If they need aids they will get an assessment and be provided with them.

You say your siblings "don't get this" regarding your finances. They wint if you don't have a clear and transparent conversation with them . Whether they acknowledge your situation or not they must be aware you don't go on holiday etc and that you live a different life to them . So go, give it a go, you've got this x

My mother is at home with nursing care and has all her equipment provided by NHS. One of the dangers in buying equipment which family consider helpful may in fact may not be appropriate and cause more problems or even injury. It is far better to have an OT assessment to decide what is needed and can be supplied on loan.

Do not be afraid to be assertive with your family about your financial situation. Guilt can be a tricky emotion to deal with, but if you don’t your resentment will grow. Best of luck. Stay strong.

I get this from both sides.
The local authority will provide equipment and alterations if person can’t afford to pay. This does not apply to your parents.
I would say £250 is a lot of money to me. I could contribute £50 in a few weeks when I’ve saved up.
Well that’s what I’d do.

Offer what you can, say £25. They’ll get the message. X

Are your parents suffering from mental disability? If so, is anyone POA. and perhaps dictating what they consider your parents need. If they have mental capacity seems strange both parents aren't willing to basically help themselves by buying the new bed and possibly other items. I'd just tell your sibling parents should pay and you can't contribute if family go ahead with purchase. Perhaps your parents can contribute your share if siblings still want to "gift" the bed.

we get this too and my in laws all have more in their bank accounts than we do. I don't know what the answer is. It easy to say, just say no but the reality is you are sucked in and made to feel guilty

I suggest you get your parents some forms from the social services department and TELL your siblings to help them fill them in. They will enjoy giving all their financial details to strangers at the Town Hall.

Then I suggest that you put their mattress on the floor and then they cannot fall out of bed. If they dont like the floor and cannot get up by themselves, I am sure social services will send someone round every day for which they will have to pay and where I live, if social services think they can afford to pay then they will have to pay.

Then I suggest you go on holiday.

My mother was provided with necessary equipment and bed on NHS loan scheme after NHS Occupational Assessment. House alterations on the other hand are means tested.