The dreaded talk!

Stay were you are
2 hours away is nothing You are in sheltered housing with an alarm system and obviously have friends in the area You are not old, old, many people live hours away from their children
Tell them that you are very touched by their concern but are happy where you are and appreciate they are so caring but you ll know when you need more help and will be more than happy to alert them if you feel you are not managing so well Then get on with your life

When my father died in 2000 my mother was under some pressure to 'move closer to us' from my older sib & his wife.

Other sib & I held our thoughts which included "why the didn't you mention this to us?".

Ma was briefly tempted but then the penny dropped that she would be moving from a sunny house set up for her needs with neighbours nearby for a small flat in London a good two miles from where my bro lives, knowing no-one but convenient for his regular charity & shopping trips.

Her evening carer mentioned that another of her ladies had done something similar in reverse. Left London for Plymouth to be closer to an adult child who had then moved on.

Meow, stay where you are happiest. My Ma extended her thanks and made sure everyone knew they were welcome to come and stay with her when they could.

Apologies if I am repeating what others have said and I absolutely take your point but I can see the other side too.
You need to be able to how them that you have measures in place for some domestic help - why not now, if you can afford it? If you have a network of friends or neighbours to call on in an * emergency* that might also reassure them.
But you also need to think why you want to stay put. In my case (74) I still drive, live in my own house, have a cleaner and neighbours I could call if I needed them. But I also have a social life, activities I enjoy and the independence to travel to any of the AC (1 1/2 hrs in either direction) when I want to. There has been pressure to move closer to one D but that would double the distance to the others! I believe they mean well but I am not yet at that stage. Depending on your health you might be. So be honest about how well you can cope now, what provisions you have made for the next couple of years, and stand your ground if you can. But don’t then complain if they can’t drop everything in a heartbeat when you need them!

Agree with the above to stay put, do what you want to do, with plans in place in case you need more help. And tell your children they have to respect your wishes. 75 is no age at all. I am only a bit younger and OH a bit older- we certainly are not ready for being forced 'into some sort of care'. Sheltered housing is perfect for you- just make sure you have a plan in place and be ready to accept more paid help if required.

Meow - lots of advice to stay put here - I will go against that or at least suggest you communicate properly with your son before you resist his entreaties to you. Firstly, if you have a difficult relationship with your daughter, (his sister) he will know that and it will be a worry for him, so his request to you comes from a place of caring. If he thinks you have no chance of care from her in the future he will want to be assured that he will be on hand. Be grateful that your dil is happy for this. Secondly, you should ask him how he would envisage your life changing if you were to move closer to him and dil - would he for instance still see you for the same amount of time or might you be close enough to join either the family or your dil for impromptu lunch or school event or something? Will being closer to them now add to your life? I accept the differential in rents etc but you might downsize and reduce your commitment to the property. Finally, I have a friend whose son and dil live nearby and who have long asked the dil's parents to move closer precisely because they want to be on hand when the parents become frail. The parents have resisted for years - now one of them has developed dementia and is so confused that moving to a new area isn't a possibility so at the very time when the other needs and could receive the support of the adult children no help can be given as the distance is 300 miles. This is heartbreaking for the entire family. Think again Meow.

How about a compromise and looking at the house swapping register?

Ditto to what Baggs said.
Moving at any age is a stressful PITA, so when you’re getting on a bit anyway, and do seem to have things very well organised, it will be that much more so.

IMO this sort of ‘talk’, albeit well-intentioned, is usually because the adult dcs are thinking more of their own convenience - a 5 or 10 minute drive - if necessary - being much less hassle than a considerably longer one.

We have very frail, elderly neighbours who were given this talk a few years ago, but TBH how on earth they’d have coped with a move - into totally unfamiliar surroundings - I just don’t know. They’ve stayed put with carers coming in, which seems to be working fine.

I know the OP is not at that stage yet, and v likely never will be, but from experience I have seen that even minor differences, like taps that work differently, or an unfamiliar oven, can be very unsettling and confusing for a very elderly person.

Baggs

Why don't people talk to each other like adults?

Exactly Baggs. People don’t return to childhood upon reaching 70, and are capable of reasoned discussion and making their own decisions unless they have some mind altering condition.

I agree with what you are saying meow, you stay put love, you seem to be doing ok, and you are happy, why should you up sticks just because the family wants you nearer to them, it should be all about you not them, I would also tell them not to keep sending links to housing, give them the list of pros and cons, but ultimately it’s your life, you do what you feel happiest doing,

Bijou

I’m 63 - I hope if I ever reach 99 I’m as self sufficient as you, I think you’re an absolute legend

I am 99 and still live alone (my husband died thirty five years ago) and enjoy my independence. Have severe arthritis in both knees. Have survived cancer twice. I manage with an hour or so help a day with cleaning, washing up etc.
My son is 73 and lives 150 miles away.

I have a volunteer job driving people, mostly 70+ , to appointments, hospitals etc. At three of my regulars moved to my area to be closer to their adult children. Mostly at the request of their family. Unfortunately they all regret the decision for a variety of reasons and wish they had remained in their “home” location. So based on a very small sample it seems you need to think very carefully. To uproot against your better judgment to avoid hurting feelings could be a serious mistake.

Could you tell your son at theoment you are healthy and able to manage without domestic support. The next phase would be if you needed the domestic support and if unwell a carer. Tell him you might have many more years where you remain healthy and independent. But reassure him if you were to lose your good health you would re-evaluate your situation if and when it arises.

75 is really not that old - Camilla is 75 too, but you have health issues. I would consider staying in sheltered housing and start looking at getting some help - maybe 4 hours a week cleaning and look at your social life - maybe you have friends nearby - to prove to your son that you are coping and happy. 2 hours away is not that far - I have a number of friends with children living overseas. Its good you keep in touch try to assure son that you are ok. Hope you can manage your health issues where you are, but you might need a plan.

This is just a thought.

I’ve been playing around with the RAC fuel calculator.

2hrs drive I’ve taken at 100 miles.I think that’s a conservative estimate, average 50 miles a hour. So a 200 mile round journey in a family car will cost around £50 plus mileage wear and tear.

Once a month? Twice on average? That might be a hundred pounds they just haven’t got anymore with rising mortgages, fuel, food. And they might feel embarrassed to say so.

I know I’ve been in that position when I had a young family and a lone parent lived 100 miles away.

2 hours away is not the end of the earth. One son lives 9 hours drive away (usually takes a plane) and the other 2 hours away. No way would I consider moving nearer either, would probably only afford to rent a garage in either place! What does your son envisage happening if you moved nearer - become a carer should you need one? You are settled, have considered what would happen should your health deteriorate and have some funds for help should you need it.

Meow as you say your are in sheltered housing, potentially your future needs will be on someone’s radar as time goes on - meaning you wouldn’t have a fall and have no one who can come to assist - or when and if you need carers to come into your home, your sheltered housing management will know how to refer you for that.

Living with several conditions myself, I pay a cleaner and others to help me in my own home. For a while I relied on lovely friends and church members - but when I started direct payments from my local council, I feel better about asking them to do or help with things.

Family are lovely to offer but unless you are 98% sure, I’d humbly suggest staying put and paying people as your age advances.

Good luck.

Meow

Im 75, my health isnt good but I plod on as best I can, I do not have anything life threatening. I moved into sheltered housing 8 years ago, I have a emergency alarm system if I need it. Son, dil and grandson live over 2 hours away, I am in regular contact with them and get plenty of visits not as many as I would like but they are a busy family. Over the past couple of years they have been asking me to move to be closer to them. It was their choice to move away. They send me links to rented properties I might like (all double what Im paying now in social housing, so I would have to dig into my savings ) and I feel very pressured to move closer to them. I have thought about it and listed pros and cons, the cons list was lengthy! Too many to list here!
They came to visit me yesterday which was most enjoyable, then my son wanted a serious talk with me as they are worried about my health and them living over 2 hours away if anything drastic happens they couldnt get here in a short time. They wanted to know how I would cope. I explained I would be able to afford a carer if and when needed also a cleaner. (Im fortunate enough to have a private pension) At the moment I can manage housework etc, albeit it takes me a lot longer than it used to. Ive told my son I am not going into a nursing home I want to stay put. I understand that they are worried about me but I feel the pressure they are putting on me is just too much and I really do not know what to say to them without hurting their feelings and upsetting them. I also do not want to be a burden to my kids.

Perhaps you could look at "swapping" homes with another person. Thos would entail someone from your family's area wanting to move to yours. A very simple process, if you find the other person.

My Mum is in the same position and currently living with us. She is in her 90s and wants/needs her independence . Could you look at social housing closer to your family? She is currently buying a sheltered flat 20 mins from us so we are there if she needs us.

Stay put, but tell them you are thankful that they care about you and you will think about what they say and will let them know if the time comes when you change your mind. Then if they still keep on about it just keep repeating "I will let you know if I change my mind"

We have cared for 4 elderly parents and understand the difficulties that are concerning you children. As people get frailer, which often happens quite quickly, they can begin falling, become ill, can't manage banking, shopping and often can't get out of the house and lose touch with their friends. When your AC are working this can all put a bit strain on their families and on them, however much they want to help. Old age isn't always how people picture it when they are relatively young (75 isn't old nowadays).
However, I agree that private renting is not the answer. Are there perhaps any warden controlled housing association flats either near yourself or them that you could put your name down for to reassure them? There are also charities who rent assisted living flats more affordably. You don't have to swap till you are ready. As you say, you can afford carers and cleaners so that will be a big help. The question is always when to make any moves, when is the right time? Tell them you will keep it under review, but try to be openmnded as well as to alternatives.

Also 2 hours away is a 4 hour trip , fine in good weather but a thought in winter and dark nights .

have you looked into maybe beig able to do a swap through social housing to be close to your family

Perhaps it is not all about you . I do not mean that in an unkind way though . A few years ago my 2 siblings were tired of the demands of having to visit our 80 year old mother 2 hours away, sometimes 3 times a week .
I live 4 hours away and visited regularly but much less with family commitments here.
I worried about them driving on busy roads after a days work mid week when mum had sounded in need of something on the phone , had fallen , had a medical app. etc and sounding lonely.Moving nearer them to a lovely apartment solved the problem . Every case is different ofcourse . If you are perfectly self sufficient and well by all means stay where you are , but think ahead to when to may be dependent on their help. Good luck.

At the same time, OP's children may see red flags that OP is not able to - therefore the request