Daughter in law uncomfortable with people holding her baby .

I agree with you, OP, but IMO best not to say anything. Given previous difficulties this is evidently a particularly precious baby - I dare say she’ll be more relaxed, given time.

It’s not your baby it’s there’s, and you should be concentrating on how exciting it is them having a welcomed baby, I didn’t want anyone holding all of mine when they were tiny babies, I did have music on and mine were used to noise from early age, but it’s their baby so their rules and you are making it about yourself

i can see why they are keeping you at arms length.

I know exactly how you feel Bonbon 8888. I was desperate to see my son's baby when he was born and of course I wanted to hold him. When I was eventually invited to visit, I was told I could hold him if I washed my hands first and then got approximately a minute and a half long cuddle.
My DiL is also very anxious and some of the things she and my son have done with the baby have astonished me. Especially taking it in turns to watch him as he slept for the first three months.
I have had to be very diplomatic, something that doesn't come naturally to me. I have also realised the big difference between being a Mum's Mum and a Dad's Mum. But we have all survived and I am now developing a good relationship with both Mum and baby.
Hang on in there! Offer support but don't get disheartened if it is rejected at the moment. Just let the new family know you are there if they need you but don't push.
Things will get better and if you handle the situation right now you will enjoy years of fun with your grandchild as they grow

tickingbird

^Why do you need to hold the baby anyway?^

This!!

Why, whenever there’s an OP like this do people have to get snippy? Of course she wants to hold the baby fgs! Ok he’s not hers, we get that but wanting to hold her grandson is natural. Some people need to be a little more understanding. There’s nothing she can do but don’t act as if the OP is somehow in the wrong for wanting to hold her new grandson.

I agree with this.
Doubly upsetting if the maternal grandmother is 'allowed' to hold the baby and be more involved than the mother in law.
I'm afraid I was guilty of the above when mine were small. I feel a bit ashamed now looking back, at not letting my mil be more involved.
I know it's natural for a new mother to gravitate more towards her own parents, but the new father also has parents, and they should also be involved. Fairs fair.
Having said the above, I hated other people holding my newborn. I always felt they weren't supporting their heads properly.
Same with feeding. I always wanted to say "hold the bottle more upright# can't you see they're getting air???

Anytime we come to visit she doesn’t like anyone to hold him. The few times I do she hovers over me like a hawk and looks for any opportunity to take him back Of course she does! - you have just said she doesn't like anyone to hold him; and there you are - holding him. What did you expect she would do?

and then my holding time with him has ended. - your holding time! How dare she take her own child to change his nappy!?

We have had so many of these threads where the OP frankly seems to have the sensitivity of a gnat! Sorry to be blunt, but it is either that or a wind-up.

This poor mum has walked through fire to become a parent and lived through a pandemic. Just be a gentle support on the side lines - because the side lines is the place where grandmas belong. If they are invited onto the playing field it is because they have proved themselves to be sensitive and kind.

Hi Bonnie ,

Congratulations .

As your DIL had a tough time having a baby - she's extremely vigilant .

Just step back .

Don't criticise or push yourself on them .

Do something for yourself that you enjoy .

When your son and DIL want help - they will let you know .
It is up to them .
It is their baby .

It's disappointing for you and I certainly understand and sympathesise .

tickingbird

^Why do you need to hold the baby anyway?^

This!!

Why, whenever there’s an OP like this do people have to get snippy? Of course she wants to hold the baby fgs! Ok he’s not hers, we get that but wanting to hold her grandson is natural. Some people need to be a little more understanding. There’s nothing she can do but don’t act as if the OP is somehow in the wrong for wanting to hold her new grandson.

Quite! She is not in the wrong for WANTING to hold her grandson. She is not describing being difficult, insisting on keeping hold of him etc ...she obviously knows that would be unreasonable. She is just expressing her disappointment and worries at how things are turning out and asking for people's thoughts. Nothing she has said deserves a lecture or the assumptions that are being at the very least implied in some posts!

* the OP frankly seems to have the sensitivity of a gnat!*

I don't think her post implies that!

Madgran77

* the OP frankly seems to have the sensitivity of a gnat!*

I don't think her post implies that!

Yes - my response lacked subtlety I will grant you that! - but if it results in this grandmother re-thinking her stance then it can only be good all round.

I am amazed when grandparents think like this. It is so far removed from my mind set that I am left aghast!

My mother in law insisted on changing my 3 week old. She picked him up and left the room with him on one occasion. She also sat with him and wouldn’t give him back after I told her he needed feeding, my breasts were leaking and my anxiety was through the roof. I didn’t speak up, I was a brand new first time mum , I still remember that feeling if worry and anxiety in the pit of my tummy. With my second I was a lot stronger with her. What I could never understand was she was an experienced mother - how could she? You too are an experienced mother. You know how you feel when you’ve just had your first baby. The need to protect, the love hits you like a tonne of bricks. Be patient and support her. She won’t forget it and you will have a stronger bond with your grandchild if you support both their needs now. I personally have never trusted my mother in law again.

I never cease to be amazed at the entitlement of grandparents who think they have rights to their child's chld.
No wonder there are so many estranged families, grand mothers who have not realised or accepted that they are no longer the matriarch - the no.1 person.
Perhaps that was their experience as young mothers themselves- what goes around comes around.
I have 3 daughters and 6 grandchildren I would die for but they are their children and I am happy to respect that.

When he cries she feeds him- it's called feeding on demand and it's the way most women breast feed their baby. Your DIL is not being neurotic she is doing things properly.
And you have held the baby, just not for as long as you want.
If you want to spend more time holding him you need to build an atmosphere of trust with your DIL and that means accepting her and the way she chooses to raise her baby. So try to stop criticising, and hand the baby back with good grace as soon as she looks worried. She's only going to trust you when she believes you will act as she wishes and hand the baby back when he needs his mum. Just now she can't trust you to do things her way, so she is going to stop you holding him for any length of time and watch you all the time you do.

I would never dream of expecting to change a grandchild’s nappy if one of the parents is present. I’d be perfectly happy to, but I neither expect nor hope to do it. I had my turn when my own children were babies, it’s their turn now.

I agree that babies get used to background noise. I used to vacuum with baby in a sling, or in the pram indoors. Dogs bark, doorbells ring, the radio is usually on!

MawtheMerrier

I never cease to be amazed at the entitlement of grandparents who think they have rights to their child's chld.
No wonder there are so many estranged families, grand mothers who have not realised or accepted that they are no longer the matriarch - the no.1 person.
Perhaps that was their experience as young mothers themselves- what goes around comes around.
I have 3 daughters and 6 grandchildren I would die for but they are their children and I am happy to respect that.

Just to be clear ….I don’t feel entitled at all. I have always waited to be invited, followed the parents lead and the relationship has been easy all along

tickingbird

^Why do you need to hold the baby anyway?^

This!!

Why, whenever there’s an OP like this do people have to get snippy? Of course she wants to hold the baby fgs! Ok he’s not hers, we get that but wanting to hold her grandson is natural. Some people need to be a little more understanding. There’s nothing she can do but don’t act as if the OP is somehow in the wrong for wanting to hold her new grandson.

Totally agree, some of the comments here are very nasty. Why would a Gran not want to hold a baby.

Oh please, please enjoy being the mother of your son and supporting him as much as you can as he adjusts to being a dad.
Enjoy being a MiL too, and support your DiL in any way you possibly can.
Being a grandparent is great fun, but we were mothers first and the Gchild's parents are still our children no matter how old they are, needing the same kind of support and reassurance as they did on their first day at school.

Congratulations on becoming a Gma, it's a lovely relationship to develop over the coming years. I really hope you enjoy it.

I totally get you wanting to hold the baby. I love cuddling babies and I know I would want to hold the baby. However, your DIL has her reasons that she is doing things the way they are, and they are what is right for her family and her baby.

Your son's baby might get unsettled if he is passed around leaving DIL and son with the consequences after you leave, maybe he's a bit clingy to his mother (quite okay), maybe she likes him close? Parents now are much more aware of giving baby privacy when changing diapers, so maybe she doesn't think it appropriate that anyone else than the parents do that task?

You'll just have to accept what is. As the child grows you'll get to interact more.

bTW, my children were always sensitive sleepers. Noise or movement would wake them instantly. They sleep just fine now.

Just to be clear ….I don’t feel entitled at all. I have always waited to be invited, followed the parents lead and the relationship has been easy all along
My point exactly Lucca

MawtheMerrier

I never cease to be amazed at the entitlement of grandparents who think they have rights to their child's chld.
No wonder there are so many estranged families, grand mothers who have not realised or accepted that they are no longer the matriarch - the no.1 person.
Perhaps that was their experience as young mothers themselves- what goes around comes around.
I have 3 daughters and 6 grandchildren I would die for but they are their children and I am happy to respect that.

I wish you could have been my MIL! Your first sentence sums up my MIL but, not only did she have rights, she had more rights than us and we were expected to adjust to what she wanted with our children for herself. She ended up with no relationship at all because she refused to accept what worked for us.

Like Zoejory I resented people wanting to hold my baby... even my own lovely mother. I had to grit my teeth to hand the 1st one over. The "pass the parcel" school of parenting was not for me!

Some mums are naturally fiercely protective.

Thanks for all the feedback some comments harsher than others but I opened myself out there for all to see so I should expect to see all opinions.

Personally I can't imagine having had several miscarriages. I can't imagine having a baby during the pandemic.
I'm not surprised she's very, very careful.

I never cease to be amazed at the entitlement of grandparents who think they have rights to their child's chld.

I never cease to be amazed at the entitlement of adult children who think they have rights to their child’s grandparents when it comes to free childcare!!