Daughter in law uncomfortable with people holding her baby .

lixy

Oh please, please enjoy being the mother of your son and supporting him as much as you can as he adjusts to being a dad.
Enjoy being a MiL too, and support your DiL in any way you possibly can.
Being a grandparent is great fun, but we were mothers first and the Gchild's parents are still our children no matter how old they are, needing the same kind of support and reassurance as they did on their first day at school.

Congratulations on becoming a Gma, it's a lovely relationship to develop over the coming years. I really hope you enjoy it.

'Being a grandparent is great fun, but we were mothers first and the Gchild's parents are still our children no matter how old they are, needing the same kind of support and reassurance as they did on their first day at school.'

Only neither my husband or I do need the same kind of reassurance as we did on our first day of school when we were 4 years old! I find that rather patronising.

It was a long time ago, but I do remember that although I allowed others, family members and friends to hold my first baby, I was not happy about it at all, and sat watching until I could grab him back.We are all different in this respect, it is not anything wrong about you OP.

I have a darling granddaughter, who was an IVF baby and can understand the reasons for your DIL's behaviour.and anxiety.

I suspect you have no idea how traumatic the IVF process is for couples, my poor DIL was very unwell and it took a toll on my son and DIL's mental health.

Sorry to sound harsh, but it is not your baby, your son and DIL are the parents. You should keep your own counsel, that's what I did. Now I have a great relationship with my DIL, who messages me every day to check on me.

Given time, things should settle down. It's love and support your DIL needs, not criticism. You say the wee one is thriving, so she is obviously doing something right.

Didn't mean to be patronising, just searching for an analogy to compare the enormity of becoming a parent for the first time to. Bobbon8888, sorry if you felt patronised.

Lovelycuppa this thread isn't about you so please don't derail it.

Eight weeks is such early days and the first thing to remember is that bringing up baby is now totally different to when you were doing it!! Just go with the flow and enjoy watching baby whoever is holding them.

Bonbon8888

Thanks for all the feedback some comments harsher than others but I opened myself out there for all to see so I should expect to see all opinions.

Yes you did, some of the comments were not only harsh but spiteful statements with no advise. The one that stood out was making it all about you and nothing else.No other advice.
I would bide my time, and not push anything with the baby. Congratulations on being a Nana.

Gosh, this turned into quite a thread! The advice to take a step back, respect parents’ wishes etc is good BUT I would keep a careful eye on how this develops. Most new parents after a while are delighted at offers of help. If, down the line, you did suspect a potential problem, how you then deal with it is another matter. Fingers crossed you get your cuddles soon!

A parent who puts her /their child first is NEVER a problem Kate54
The OP needs to TRY to understand how difficult her DIL's history has been .THIS child is much wanted and she may well be overprotective in your eyes but she will feel this baby is the most precious child ever born .
Most people who visited me when my prem son came home were lovely and kept their distance,smoked outside when asked and appreciated our need to keep him safe from germs .Sadly there were one or two who thought it was funny to kick the side of the cot"accidentally" to wake him and then swoop in and pick him up .As they were family I felt I should just put up with it,its different times now though and I would certainly be much more vocal about visitors behaviour.
Like your DIL OP I have a history of miscarriage and neo natal deaths ,the live children I got to bring home are my life, anyone who thinks they have RIGHTS where they are concerned would not be welcome here and yes that would include parents .
Our children our choice in who gets within breathing distance ,wait until you are invited to visit and never believe you have a right to do anything without his parents agreeing

Lucca Just to be clear ….I don’t feel entitled at all. I have always waited to be invited, followed the parents lead and the relationship has been easy all along

Exactly how all GP should act.

New babies are wonderful, grandparents should try to recall how hard new babies are and wait patiently to be invited.

I can see this from both angles, having been infertile and going through 10 years of investigations, some painful and unpleasant, in several countries. I was incredibly lucky in the end to have a baby by IVF, and then another, again by IVF, three years later. With my first I had an emergency caesarean, followed by my baby having to be kept in Special Care for several days as I'm a Type 1 diabetic (this doesn't happen now thank goodness!). So when she finally was allowed to stay in my room with me, I was incredibly nervous of anyone holding her, even myself! I know all the in-law family held her, as I have photographs, but all I wanted was to cuddle her, get to know her, breast feed etc.
My MIL and SIL were very critical, once my baby was home, about my feeding her on demand, cuddling her when she cried etc. etc., but my memory of my mum is hearing her washing up in the kitchen while I spent time with my daughter, and no criticism!

When I became a granny, twenty-two years later, I didn't meet my granddaughter until she was about eight weeks old, of course I longed to hold her just like the OP does; surely that wish is totally natural? But I was led by my daughter, holding the baby while sitting, watched by her, and handing her back immediately when asked to. I have always respected hers and her partner's way of parenting and just tried to be supportive and helpful.

OP I can see that your wishes to hold the baby (I think it is instinctive in women) are completely normal and natural. I can feel your DIL's instinct to protect her (hard-won) precious baby from any risk at all, and even to be a little more protective than other new mothers; completely normal and natural too.

Neither of you deserve criticism for how you feel; just help to see why the other may be behaving as they are. At this moment in your grandchild's life, his parents, especially his mother, don't have time or headspace to do anything more than to be new parents, so please just lovingly give your DIL space to do this. If she feels supported by you, your future relationship with her, your son and grandchildren has a chance of developing into a warm one.
I can visualise you both sitting down in the future, and chatting about the time when you were SO desperate to hold him, and she was So desperate to protect him from the tiniest risk!

What a lovely post choughdancer.
?

Dear OP, I'm a baby and child sleep consultant and doula and first of all, don't worry about your grandchild growing up neurotic. He's only 8 weeks old and being held by his mum is the best thing for him at this early stage, trust me it isn't doing him any harm at all. But I do agree with you that by 8 weeks even "attachment-parenting" parents are happy to hand their darling over once in a while but hey, it's their baby and their way. Maybe when he's a bit more wriggly and grabby she won't mind you minding him for an hour or two. Patience!
Yes, it's true that keeping a different atmosphere for night time sleep and daytime naps is generally thought a good idea as it helps baby develop a sense of day versus night. But hey, he's thriving and how lucky they are that he's sleeping 7 hours straight...so they must be doing something right! And did you know that the official definition of a child "sleeping through the night" is 5 hours? Not what I'd call a full night's sleep...but there you go. Babies are different.
What you might have more reason to be concerned about is your daughter in law's postnatal mental health. If her highly protective attitude to the baby is out of character and continues past 3 months, then it could be - just could be - a red flag for PND. In which case she needs to chat with her GP but again, that's not your responsibility. What she needs from you, and what all grandparents can freely supply, is masses of reassurance and encouragement. I think the most welcome and treasured words I ever heard from my mother were "you're such a good mother". (well, it beats "you would look so lovely if you lost a stone", which was her more usual refrain)

@choughdancer what a beautiful story.

sarahcyn

Dear OP, I'm a baby and child sleep consultant and doula and first of all, don't worry about your grandchild growing up neurotic. He's only 8 weeks old and being held by his mum is the best thing for him at this early stage, trust me it isn't doing him any harm at all. But I do agree with you that by 8 weeks even "attachment-parenting" parents are happy to hand their darling over once in a while but hey, it's their baby and their way. Maybe when he's a bit more wriggly and grabby she won't mind you minding him for an hour or two. Patience!
Yes, it's true that keeping a different atmosphere for night time sleep and daytime naps is generally thought a good idea as it helps baby develop a sense of day versus night. But hey, he's thriving and how lucky they are that he's sleeping 7 hours straight...so they must be doing something right! And did you know that the official definition of a child "sleeping through the night" is 5 hours? Not what I'd call a full night's sleep...but there you go. Babies are different.
What you might have more reason to be concerned about is your daughter in law's postnatal mental health. If her highly protective attitude to the baby is out of character and continues past 3 months, then it could be - just could be - a red flag for PND. In which case she needs to chat with her GP but again, that's not your responsibility. What she needs from you, and what all grandparents can freely supply, is masses of reassurance and encouragement. I think the most welcome and treasured words I ever heard from my mother were "you're such a good mother". (well, it beats "you would look so lovely if you lost a stone", which was her more usual refrain)

Thank you, great post.

As so often on GN, things go from the sublime to the ridiculous so fast. Of course mum's requests need to be fully supported and respected. And a grand-mother going full on Matriach and controlling is totally OTT.

Common sense is somewhere in between. Thanks.

choughdancer that is a very insightful and beautiful story. I wish I’d read this thread while my ds1 and dil went through infertility and pregnancy. I’m sure the OP and others will find it very helpful.

Thank you sacyn, that’s what I was getting at in my post. I do know a situation where there was /is indeed a mental health issue which is why I brought up the possibility - slight but still there - of something more worrying developing.

sarahcyn, what a sensible post!

Thank you for such a caring and loving response. I love my daughter in law. I am not an “Entitled” personality as suggested in this forum. I have been so supportive when she was going through her troubles and cried with her with all her trials and tribulations . My son has encouraged me to come by and hold the baby . I don’t barge in and proclaim “ here I am ,let me hold him” and I feel sad that she is so scared but I give her the space she needs.

So thankful for your wisdom and advice especially coming from a Doula. I thought about PSD especially after what she had gone through . ?

Thanks everyone for your two cents.I’ve reading all this. I am an American posting on a British site wanting to hear your perspective on this topic. Love the Brits. Always have. ?

I never cease to be amazed at the entitlement of grandparents who think they have rights to their child's child

I never cease to be amazed at the rush to accuse GPs of entitlement as soon as they come on GN and ask for advice and any thoughts on their worries ...even when there is no suggestion of "an entitled attitude" in the OP!! .

Neither of you deserve criticism for how you feel; just help to see why the other may be behaving as they are. At this moment in your grandchild's life, his parents, especially his mother, don't have time or headspace to do anything more than to be new parents, so please just lovingly give your DIL space to do this. If she feels supported by you, your future relationship with her, your son and grandchildren has a chance of developing into a warm one
I can visualise you both sitting down in the future and chatting about the time when you were SO desperate to hold him, and she was So desperate to protect him from the tiniest risk!

Very wise, thoughtful, helpful and well-expressed advice!

Norah

Lucca Just to be clear ….I don’t feel entitled at all. I have always waited to be invited, followed the parents lead and the relationship has been easy all along

Exactly how all GP should act.

New babies are wonderful, grandparents should try to recall how hard new babies are and wait patiently to be invited.

But…as I said before I was invited to visit and hold her on day2 , her parents being the ultimate in “chilled”

Madgran77

*I never cease to be amazed at the entitlement of grandparents who think they have rights to their child's child*

I never cease to be amazed at the rush to accuse GPs of entitlement as soon as they come on GN and ask for advice and any thoughts on their worries ...even when there is no suggestion of "an entitled attitude" in the OP!! .

Madgram77 Below is OPs entitled attitude:

Anytime we come to visit she doesn’t like anyone to hold him. The few times I do she hovers over me like a hawk and looks for any opportunity to take him back . If he fusses and has a wet diaper she takes him from me to change him. I’ve offered to change him but she won’t hear of it and then my holding time with him has ended.

OP wants her way.

Seemingly dil is not allowed to want baby back to change a wet diaper. It appears OP doesn't like mum "hovering over" baby?

How is OP attitude not entitled, by any standard?

Lucca

Norah

Lucca Just to be clear ….I don’t feel entitled at all. I have always waited to be invited, followed the parents lead and the relationship has been easy all along

Exactly how all GP should act.

New babies are wonderful, grandparents should try to recall how hard new babies are and wait patiently to be invited.

But…as I said before I was invited to visit and hold her on day2 , her parents being the ultimate in “chilled”

I was agreeing with you Lucca perhaps I was unclear.