Child taking things what should I do?

As for the money, not going to mention that directly, but may tell her the story of the time I stole 10p from my Mum’s purse to buy sweets and how awful it made me feel. Other than that we will remove temptation and just not leave money lying around. We used to give them pocket money before, so will start that again. None of them have much, bless them.

Mamma66

Sadly, those of you who have suggested that she is an unhappy child are probably not too far off the mark.

She has had a parenting role over her younger siblings since she was very small; putting the younger ones to bed regularly from the age of five onwards. It has always made us so sad that she has never had the childhood she should have had.

I will try to tread carefully and not make too much of it. She has been a bit light fingered since she was about eight and I have always felt that this has been a sign of her being unsettled.

My heart breaks for her, but I am worried, an eight year old taking things is one thing, but if she carries on as she goes to ‘big school’ she might not be given the same amount of leeway. (It’s not just us she takes thing from).

I will tread carefully, encourage her to continue coming and continue to work towards being the stabilising influence we have always tried to be.

She doesn't sound as if she's had much f a life, poor girl, and is perhaps unsure where she fits into the family.

She has been a bit light fingered since she was about eight and I have always felt that this has been a sign of her being unsettled
Is that about the time her mother and your DS split up and she was not able to see her step-father and you?
Her mother sounds rather chaotic and any family stability was taken away from her.

She may need outside help but it could prove very difficult to broach the subject with her mother without opening up the rift again.

Lots of good advice and you sound like such a kind Grandma but what a sad story. Phillip Larkin was right.
www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse

You sound as if you ve handled it brilliantly
Everything is so out of her control for this little girl and remember she had two long enforced break s from seeing you, or coming to your house perhaps this time when she came she didn’t know if it ll be the last time for a while again so treated these items as if she would never get the chance to see them again in other words hanging on to them …in case
She’s got no control over what happens in her life she wanted control over these dolls bits and pieces
She didn’t know if it was her last time of seeing them did she ? So what else to do but keep them

Callistemon21

You could try the tactic of giving her some pocket money if she comes to visit you, and a pretty purse to keep it in.

You could say nothing about the missing money or perhaps just say you think it would be nice if she had some pocket money to spend as she likes.

wise and compassionate...

I was thinking about her needing something of you with her. I gave GD something very simple - a polished stone - and told her that she could take it with her. She did carry with her to school once or twice, I know, although I don't know if she still does. It was hers, anyway, to keep. Similarly, if I was going to an exam or somewhere I was nervous about, my mum would lend me one of her hankies. Perhaps you could do something similar so that she knows that the item carries your love with it.

It's a difficult situation and won't be cured in one go, I don't suppose, but every little thing is a step forward. She'll remember that you cared when she's older.

It's so good that you are treating this situation with kindness and understanding. A similar situation in a family I know caused a rift that lasted many years because the adults involved were so horrible and sided against the family and so did the child's Grandma! Caused untold damage to the family and the child. ?

If it were me I would not leave it too long before broaching the subject of taking your things without permission being unacceptable to you and wont be tolerated if it happens again. It hurt your feelings so she has to know that. However it an obvious attention tactic so take time to spoil her a bit and give her something she knows you treasure to take home reminding here you are giving it to her because she is special to you and you hope she will treasure it too.
Our Step grandaughter went through a stage of being really quite horrid and we found she needed a lot of reassurance that she was loved as much as our biological grandchildren. Even conversations about my parents and my childhood made her feel as she didnt have that link to our family history she couldnt be loved as much as her sisters who were. So sad and simply untrue. All loved ewually despite being very different individuals.
I dont think many of us in general talk enough to children about their feelings. I learnt that...Maybe we can all learn a thing or two from posts like this.

I used to do this as a child. The only stable influence and place I felt loved was at my grandparents house. I alway brought the items back the next time I visited. I guess I wanted to take some love home with me. To remind me that I was loved as I was/ am.
There’s some really good journals available on Amazon for pre teens that discuss feelings, mindfulness etc. maybe she would find it helpful to take home and use. Then her problems are out- if you see what I mean.

I really don’t think this is the big thing you think it is. All my grandkids want to take things home with them at any age . I let them take them for sleepovers. If these thing are too precious to you, or played with by other grandkids visiting why not pop into a charity shop / car boots sale and get her a couple of things she can take home with her. Make her feel a bit loved and special. Poor child has been used as a weapon by the sound of it, used as part of a game. is it any wonder she isn’t sure of the rules ?

Lots of good advice and compassion here.
I think you're handling it really well. What a lovely grandma you are.

I agree with BlueBelle that she has a need to keep something of yours because she doesn't know when, or if, she will be allowed to see you again, and probably chose the dolls house toys because they were special to her too and was worried she might not see them again.

Septimia's suggestion is perfect. Give her a small special item that she can keep with her whenever she needs it, perhaps one of the toys or something of yours. I'm sure she will treasure it.

Playing with and restoring your dolls together is a great idea. I have seen that children role play with a dolls house and often reveal their thoughts, feelings and worries as they play. It can be a good emotional outlet for them.

You could also treat your toy collection a bit like a toy library, so if she wants to take something home with her she can, but return it on her next visit and swap it for something else. We do this with our youngest GC and things are usually returned unless they've been lost amongst their mountains of toys at home!

I hope you're able to see your GC again very soon and perhaps more regularly. They need you.

Our grandkids have toys here, but if they want to take something home with them, it's allowed. Pr bably she did it so that she will have something of her very own; it's an awful feeling, being a stepchild, when you feel you are being sidelined, even though you aren't - so she took what you told her not to, and then other stuff, just because she could.

As the other little ones are visiting with the older child,if you are going to take the advice from the grans I feel it would be in every one’s interest if you get a little gift for the younger two.

I am sure you would just thought that but you are so worried about the older child,it just might slip your mind.
IMO the advice given to you is excellent advice
Hope all goes well for you and the children.It can be very difficult with grandchildren and in my case great grandchildren
their little feelings are very tender.

Are the toys she took specifically her toys, or are they owned in common by the three children?

If they are her toys, I feel she should be allowed to take them with her, and that as this is the first time she had been allowed to visit you for a long time and the whole situation is upsetting for her I would not make too much of the fact that she had asked, been told no, and took them all the same.

I agree with those that say that an unhappy child may well be stealing to deal with a situation that she had no control over.

Lock all money away next time the children come, and jewellery too to prevent more pilfering.

Accusing anyone of theft is a very dubious process unless you can absolutely prove that the money was taken by the child you are accusing - her sisters were there too, remember. Is it absolutely certain it was the eldest girl that took the money?

Why are you so certain of this? Could it not just as well be one of the other children?

Is there not the remotest possibility that you spent that money and have forgotten that you did so? Or that someone else, like an adult who had access to your home, nicked a couple of quid?

My mother routinely accused my sister of taking money out of our mother's purse, which my sister both at the time and as a grown woman swore she had never done. And I was never able to see why she should lie to me about it, if she was telling a lie when she said she had not stolen anything.

Long after I was grown up, my mother accused a visitor to my flat of having taken money from my mother's handbag - fortunately only to me, but she quite ignored the fact that she had left her handbag on the outside door-step to my flat while fetching other things from her car. When I pointed this out to her, she replied that if a thief had taken the money, he would have taken her wallet as well. Reasonable enough, you may feel, but I said that surely applied to the visitor of mine she was accusing as to anyone else.

I feel you will only make the difficult situation worse if you mention this matter to your son. If it should happen again, then I agree, you will need to, saying that you had missed money today too, but had not been completely certain that any of the three children could have taken it.