A friend wants to come and stay

At the very least you need to protect your friend from an unexpected ambush by your DH. You will have to warn her in advance or preferably meet up somewhere else as has been suggested. Your DH seems to be very unhappy, it is odd that he has held onto the grudge for years over a small amount and with longstanding friends.

I feel for you Sheila63, your DH reminds me of my FiL. Usually a gentle kindly man, if he got a bee in his bonnet about something there would be no doing anything with him. If he thought someone was trying to get one over on him, or was in some way putting him down, he would never forget it no matter how much you try to explain it and he couldn't see he was just downright wrong. It didn't happen often, but he actually didn't speak to one of his GDs for the last twenty years of his life and I never did find out why (not our children).

I'm with the others - tell your husband that if he intends to be mean to your friend you will just meet her elsewhere. She's lost her husband and you want to provide some support not make her feel worse.

GagaJo

I guess you've got 3 choices.

1) Let her come and prewarn her of what she's going to walk into. Personally, I'd rather do it in an email, when you can very carefully craft what you wish to say.

2) As someone else has suggested, go away with her somewhere on your own. He may not like it, but he's caused the issue so...

3) Tell her she can't come.

I'd personally go for option 2.

TBH, I'd gor for the 4th option!

ExDancer - That’s terrible. Wedding speeches used to be limited by custom to the Best Man, Groom, and the Father of the Bride. I am well aware that they have, happily, moved on to include other relatives and friends. However Grandfather of the Bride’s speech was never traditional and in this case sounds highly undesirable. Can you get together with the bride, her parents and the groom to ensure that grandfather is neither asked nor allowed to speak? Will he even be on the top table? If he stands up you and other close relatives should be ready to tell him to sit down or even to get up and speak over him. It is so NOT his day!!

well i feel sorry for the husband in this scenario.
having to put up with visits from/to these people that he doesn't like, all his married life.
and maybe she is grasping but OP can't see it, as she's known her so long, maybe since they were under their parents' support, so it was less noticeable.
OP best go stay with the woman if she wants to.

welbeck

well i feel sorry for the husband in this scenario.
having to put up with visits from/to these people that he doesn't like, all his married life.
and maybe she is grasping but OP can't see it, as she's known her so long, maybe since they were under their parents' support, so it was less noticeable.
OP best go stay with the woman if she wants to.

well i feel sorry for the husband in this scenario
Really?
It doesn't sound as if the visits were frequent and to hang on to minor grievances for that long is not normal, especially at the expense of upsetting a bereaved friend of his wife.
What a selfish thing to expect to do.

maybe since they were under their parents' support

Whose parents? What support? ?

Sheila63 I'd be making it a very long weekend away!

There is just one sensible and practical answer, which is a nice getaway with friend.

Blimey! If my OH behaved like that about something that happened 4 years ago and the lady concerned had been widowed, I would have it out with him. He sounds like an idiot. Explain to your friend that he’s turned rather unpleasant and suggest a break elsewhere. If the OH disapproves, tough titties, as they say. The other lady, whose OH wants to spoil a wedding. Don’t let him go. Tell him calmly that he is not wanted there. As I have said before on these boards, why don’t people speak to one another? I think it was Philippa Perry who was writing about this in one of her columns the other day. We need to talk to one another.

Perhaps your DH has really become a grumpy old Victor Meldrew?
I would suggest you girls go away somewhere nice together.
Then you can relax and help her to adjust and mourn and you don't need to share her with DH.

The issue is your husband's problem really. Does this behaviour manifest in relation to other friends, other things you want to do.

I would tell your friend that he is still upset about something that happened 4 years ago, explain what it is and then give her the choice of whether she wants to come or not. If she doesn't then suggest you go and stay with her or you go away together, then tell husband what you are doing and why!!!!

It sounds like coercive control to me.
Keeping you constantly on edge, so that you can't look forward to something.

Luckygirl3

ExDancer - you need to find some way of disabling your OH on the wedding day - is there something heavy you can drop on his foot?

Failing that, then he needs to not go. If needs be, tell GD his plans and get her to uninvite him.

I understand his anger over the way he thinks his son has been mistreated - but to take it out on his GD on her special day!! That is insane.

Yes I agree with Luckygirl. Tell your son, tell your ex DIL and tell your DGD what he's planning. Get them to help you stop it. To be honest, he needs to be banned from the wedding. Selfish man!

Lathyrus

Just go and have a nice few days away with each other.
It’s often difficult staying with someone who’s still got a husband when you’re widowed. It mostly seems a bit awkward so I expect she’d rather be somewhere nice with just you

You can have a lovely time and no need for any upsets with anyone.

I think the same, go and stay with her this time.
After that, say to your husband, that whatever the truth of your friend owing money to him, she does not realise this, has been recently widowed and needs some kindness.

How much money is in dispute?

So what if she hasnt done this or that. She is your friend and to me its quite pathetic to be dragging and racking alllll the past up, life is too short, move on, forget it instead of harbouring grudges....

I read a few GN say about both of you staying in a B&B somewhere! Thats good idea, at least you wont be on tender hooks waiting for your husbands built up annoyance to see the light of day !!!

All the best ....

As your DH is fixated on this, any visit by your friend is going to be a disaster. You know this, of course, which is why you want advice on getting out of hosting her visit.
I think it's easy : you've known each other for a long time and you don't need to give her details or risk any great embarrassment or hurt for her. Just write or message and say that you've been putting off telling her but having people to visit now is a very bad idea because your DH is grumpy/anti-social/argumentative/disinterested....say whatever you like. You need to get away for a break and you think it would be a really good idea if you both met up somewhere for a weekend and had a great girlie time, lots of laughs, uninterrupted chat and really be able to relax and enjoy your time together.
Book it, take off and leave him to it - knowing that you won't be anxious and worrying about anything he decides to say making your friend completely miserable!

Ex-Dancer, Good Lord what a ridiculous idea. His invitation needs to be cancelled. He can't be trusted not to show himself and you in the worst possible light and ruin the wedding day of someone who doesn't deserve such treatment. Tell whoever is issuing the invitations, that he cannot be there - they will regret it always. If he cares at all about other members of the family - who will resent him forever - then he needs to manage his anger and not spread it around thinking that he will have an audience of supporters on someone's special day. With what he's planning, he won't!

Approximately how much money are we talking about here?

JenniferEccles

Approximately how much money are we talking about here?

Surely not enough to wreck a friendship, upset a bereaved woman!

There's more to it than money unless he's Scrooge.

Just write or message and say that you've been putting off telling her but having people to visit now is a very bad idea because your DH is grumpy/anti-social/argumentative/disinterested....say whatever you like.
All of which is true.

Have a lovely weekend away from him, Sheila!

He can't be trusted not to show himself and you in the worst possible light...

The only person he would be showing up would be himself. Ex-Dancer is not a reflection of her husband or responsible for his actions.

That said, our daughter's wedding was ruined by her in-laws who caused a scene at her wedding over imagined slights they'd been festering over during the weeks up to the wedding. It ruined the day for our daughter who was in bits, mortified our son-in-law and really browned off my husband who had paid for all their meals at exorbitant prices just for them to be left as they stormed out. If you want to avoid a similar scenario, make your husband stay at home.

Apart from disliking your friend (which happens) your DH sounds a mean so and so.
Real friends or even acquaintances socially are not counting every penny. That would infuriate me. Stinginess is a horrible trait and I’m struggling with a very close male friend over this very issue.

mumofmadboys

I agree suggest meeting for a couple of nights in a place between the two of you and stay in a B and B or airbnb . Say it would be lovely to have a relaxed girlie time.

If your husband is right as regards costs, then could you end up paying most of the bill?

Aldom

You could, I suppose, go and stay with your friend in her home. Explaining, as others have said, that your husband is rather grumpy and that you would enjoy a little break.

Sounds the best plan to me.

@icanhandthemback what an awful thing to do. Why do people make other people’s weddings all about themselves?

What was the outcome in the end? Does your daughter have any relationship with them now? She would be justified in having nothing to do with them.

I wish I hadn't mentioned my wedding problem - please ignore it or it'll hijack Sheila's post - I just wanted her to know she isn't alone in having a selfish husband with a bee in his bonnet about something which has nothing to do with him.
Your DH really has worked himself up into a fury over this trivial matter and if he's determined to 'let it out' there's no way of stopping him. So leave him to stew.
As everyone's said - the only thing to do is meet up elsewhere. There's no need to tell your friend why, unless you really feel you must.

DillytheGardener

@icanhandthemback what an awful thing to do. Why do people make other people’s weddings all about themselves?

What was the outcome in the end? Does your daughter have any relationship with them now? She would be justified in having nothing to do with them.

My daughter distanced herself from them but my SIL hasn't found the strength to do that despite being in and out of care as a child. She won't allow the children to visit either for a very goo reason which I won't go into but it means they aren't involved in their drama either.
At the wedding itself, where the stepfather insisted all the relations on their side leave or he would have nothing to do with them again, we were all a bit shell shocked. However, once we'd got over the shock we all made sure that the "happy" couple got the celebration they deserved and the hotel upgraded everything they could as they felt so sorry for them. Fortunately my daughter is a philosophical person with the calmness her father has so she was able to enjoy herself in the end.